We settled on the floor with our food, and I tried not to stare as she practically inhaled two of the three tacos on her plate and most of the rice and beans. It was especially interesting to watch her face. She closed her eyes at the beginning of each bite, and her expressions changed as she relished each flavor. My own food was disappearing at a much slower pace.
I didn’t dare even glance at my bed, especially not after having seen the somewhat sensual way she enjoyed her food. Too dangerous for my mental health.
After she’d satisfied most of her hunger, she wiped her mouth with her napkin and looked sheepishly up at me. “Sorry I kind of ignored you there. I was just really hungry from practice, and I absolutely love tacos callejeros. When we go visit family in Texas, we always make a point to have these at least once. Your mom is a really good cook,” she said before taking a few sips from her glass of water.
“No problem, I’m glad you enjoyed them. I wasn’t sure if you liked tacos or were a vegetarian or something, so it’s lucky that tonight worked out. Do you visit your family in Texas often?” I asked, curious about her life outside of what I already knew, which admittedly wasn’t much.
“We visit my uncle and his family a few times a year. My cousins are younger than me, so I usually end up babysitting or just playing with them most of the time, but I don’t really mind. They’re actually really fun to spend time with, though I don’t know if I could handle them for more than a few hours on my own. An eight-year-old boy and six-year-old girl are old enough where you don’t have to look after them constantly, but young enough where you can’t leave them alone too long,” she explained.
I nodded my head. “I babysit the kids down the street. Really good kids, but I totally understand what you mean. I’ve been babysitting them for a few years, so we have a pretty good routine down. I also bribe them with candy, so that helps too,” I said with a smile. She laughed.
“So did your parents meet at college?” she asked out of the blue. I guess she’d gotten curious about the Suarez family after sitting through dinner.
“Yeah, they’ve told Eddy and me this story so many times we’ve lost count. They met on the first day of the first class of the first semester of their first year at school. They started off as friends and then feelings happened, and at this part of the story they both get sentimental and Eddy starts making gagging sounds. They are both gigantic dorks, but they’re sort of my relationship ideal.”
I paused and had the crazy idea to clarify what I’d just said. I didn’t know why, but my mouth wouldn’t shut up. “For the future. Because I don’t have a relationship now. I’m single.” I was telling Kate Monroe that I was single. Why was I telling my crush this? I’d officially gone mad.
“So no girlfriend, then?” she asked. She was looking straight at me, and it threw me off. I hadn’t been expecting her to ask that question. I hadn’t even been sure she knew I was a lesbian. I tried not to panic. I tried to play it cool. I was pretty sure I failed.
“No girlfriend,” I squeaked. Actually squeaked. My voice had gone up at least three octaves. I cleared my throat in an attempt to get my voice back to normal, but when it still felt constricted, I took a sip of my water.
“Me neither,” she responded.
If this had been a TV show, I would have spit out my water, or at least choked on it. But instead I just finished drinking and tried not to think that I may have just heard Kate Monroe say she didn’t have a girlfriend.
“I’m single too,” she clarified. Okay, that made more sense. She didn’t mean she didn’t have a girlfriend. She was talking more broadly. About a lack of a boyfriend, not girlfriend. That made much more sense.
Deciding not to comment on her admission of being single—and what could I say to her, that I would be happy to be her significant other? Not likely—I switched to the intended purpose of this visit.
“So about world history,” I started as I set my half-eaten food to the side. “What exactly are you having trouble with?” I stood and got my history book and my laptop from my desk. As my computer booted up, Kate placed her plate to the side, opened her bag, and pulled out her own book and laptop.
We sat like that, on the floor of my room across from each other with our laptops and books spread in front of us, as we talked about the class she had missed and the upcoming exam. Neither of us were looking forward to the AP exam, and we agreed that it was hard to stay motivated for school when we had already received our college acceptance letters.
“I didn’t get a scholarship, and I don’t think I want to do cheerleading next year,” she was saying now. “I’d rather focus on my classes and get used to college than worry about doing extra stuff. I should probably look for a job, though, something that will let me study when I need to. I’m thinking the library would be a good place to start. What about you?” she asked.
I hadn’t thought that far ahead. “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “I’ll probably have to get a job too. My parents set up a college account for me when I was little, so my tuition and room and board are mostly paid for. And I’ve saved most of my babysitting money over the years. The car I drive belongs to my parents, though, and when I go to school, my sister will get it. The only thing I had to pay for was gas. Next year I’ll have to cover books and any extras, so a job would be very useful. Mind if I get a job at the library too?” I asked half-jokingly.
“I can see it: me and you ruling the library with an iron fist,” she said. I laughed, though the idea of Kate Monroe and me doing anything together certainly had appeal.
“How about this?” I said. “You be the brains and I’ll be the muscle. Someone being too loud or giving you trouble? Call me and I’ll take care of it.” I gave her my cockiest look.
“I’ll have to think that over,” she said. “I’ve seen you go against a backpack, and it wasn’t pretty.”
I groaned and covered my head with one of my pillows. I could hear her laughter. I peeked just a little bit of my face out from under my cocoon. “I wasn’t ready!” I protested. “That backpack was a lot heavier than it looked. Who knew that you were so freakishly strong?”
She pulled the pillow from off my head. I gave no resistance. It was too much fun.
“That’s why we have to start working out together. I can’t have my library enforcer being taken out by inanimate objects. Come over on Saturday. There are no games scheduled, so we just have a short practice during the morning. Are you doing anything Saturday?” she asked with hope in her voice.
I took a couple seconds to go through my schedule in my head. Without thinking too much about it, I said, “I’ve got nothing planned. But I’ll only agree if you promise to go easy on me. I don’t want to call my parents from the hospital after having a heart attack at eighteen. That might actually happen, since I haven’t ran for more than thirty seconds since freshman year gym class. Which I got a C in,” I added so she’d know the full extent of my lack of physical ability. She couldn't say that I didn’t warn her.
She put one hand over her heart and the other palm up, facing me. “I swear that I will not allow you to have a heart attack, twisted ankle, pulled hamstring, stubbed toe, or any other injuries while on my watch. By the power vested in me as a high school cheerleader, I pronounce you soon to be physically fit.”
I laughed at her solemnly spoken vow of nonsense. She was very good at saying silly things with a straight face. Her serious look dissolved into giggles as she collapsed next to me on the floor. We lay side by side, mirror images of each other with our heads held up against our arms. The nervousness and anxiety I’d had earlier about this study session were vague memories. It was hard to believe that only two hours ago I’d been agonizing over whether or not Kate Monroe had purposely smiled at me in the hallway. Now we were lying together on the floor of my bedroom, sharing smiles and acting like goofy longtime friends. Except I had never wanted to kiss Marie or any of my other friends. While the thought of kissing Kate Monroe had been a fantasy, and then terrifying once it had become a remote possibility, now there was a sense of longing and anticipation.
After spending a few hours with her talking and eating and making jokes, she was so much more to me than the pretty cheerleader I had a crush on. She was a real person. Which was stupid of me to think, because she had always been a real person. But she was one of the first girls I had ever found attractive after I’d finally admitted to myself that I liked girls. She was literally the personification of my burgeoning sexuality. It was hard to go from dream girl to real girl, but I was slowly realizing that getting to know the real Kate was a thousand times better than dreaming about Kate Monroe.
Plus, she seemed to like spending time with me too. She hadn’t looked at her phone once since she’d come over, and didn’t shy away from teasing me or laughing at my expense. That was something I appreciated. Some people might have found those sort of interactions rude, but to me it was a sign of comfort between two people. I couldn’t imagine being close friends (or more) with anyone without having some lightness and fun in the relationship. As long as all people involved were okay with it, of course.
Even though Kate and I would most likely never be in a romantic relationship, I really wanted to be her friend. Ignoring her physical attractiveness, which was very hard to do, there were so many great qualities about her. Except for the whole trying to get me in shape thing. If she decided to cancel the workout session, I wouldn't fight her on it.
A knock at the door drew our attention away from each other. "Come in," I called out. The door opened to reveal my sister. I got a queasy feeling in my stomach at the sight of the smirk on her face. She was up to something.
"How's the studying going?" she asked no one in particular. She was leaning against the doorframe right inside the room.
"Fine," I responded. I would have to have a talk with her later about not listening. I had specifically asked her before Kate arrived to make herself scarce, and here she was interrupting us. I was going to leave it at that and hope Eddy would take the hint and leave, but then Kate chimed in.
"Haley has really been great about explaining some of the stuff I missed in class. I'm feeling much better about the exam than I was yesterday, that's for sure," she told Eddy.
"Good thing Haley is in your class, then," my sister said to Kate. Her voice took on a saccharine quality. That wasn't good. "It's too bad none of your friends are in that class though. You had to go ask Haley, who was virtually a stranger, right?" Eddy didn't even stop to let Kate answer. "Though I thought Megan Jones was in that class. Isn't she on the cheer squad?" she asked.
Kate looked surprised for a second but recovered. "Meg's a great friend. Not that great a student, though," she answered. "Let's just say I felt a little more confident about Haley's notes than Meg's."
That was exactly what I had thought. For a second, I thought about suggesting another study session, including Megan this time, but I kept my mouth shut. I rationalized that Kate should bring it up since Megan was her friend. Not to mention the part of me that wanted to keep any more study sessions just between Kate and me.
"That make sense," my sister said, nodding. She still looked unnaturally innocent with her hands now clasped behind her back. She was still standing by the door, but I almost expected her to start strolling around like a TV prosecutor during a trial, right before the unveiling of a key piece of evidence that would send the defendant to the electric chair.
I was right. She did have something planned. She was facing both of us as she talked. "I was just under the impression that since Megan is a member of the National Honor Society, she could take pretty good notes. Guess I was wrong." She turned around and walked away from my room without closing the door behind her, leaving the two of us on the floor to think that little bit of information over.
I hadn’t known that Megan was in the National Honor Society. I actually didn't know anything about Megan other than she was a cheerleader and the three of us had history together. Apparently she wasn't that good of a student in history, regardless of honor society membership. That was probably what Kate had meant when she’d said that Megan wasn't a great student. That she wasn't a great student in World History class.
Regardless, my sister was trying to stir up something, but just thinking about trying to figure out what was making me tired.
Kate was looking at my bedroom door with her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth set into a straight line. Instead of getting up and going after my sister as I half expected her to do, she turned to me and her face relaxed into a rueful smile. “It's getting late, and I really should be getting back home,” she said as she started gathering her things together. “I still have to finish my homework for my other classes, and I'd like to get in a quick run before I head to bed.”
I could feel my own eyebrows rise. “I thought you had practice earlier today. Not enough exercise for you?” Admittedly, I had no idea what went on at cheerleading practice.
“No running at practice today; we just did some quick drills and choreography for the last few games of the season. Track, softball, baseball, and lacrosse all have upcoming games or meets that we're scheduled to attend. I always like this time of year. Everyone thinks football season is the big time for cheerleading, but the spring sports are smaller and more relaxed than in the fall. Plus, we get to be a little more creative.” She finished putting her things in her backpack and stood up. I quickly got to my feet.
“Let me walk you out,” I said as I pointed in the direction of the stairs. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to get rid of her, but at this point I didn't know what else to say.
She led the way downstairs, and when we got to the front foyer, I could see my parents sitting in the living room. “Thanks again for dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Suarez,” she called out. Both my parents turned from the TV and gave Kate smiles and waves.
“Like I said before, stop by anytime, Kate,” my mom said. “It was wonderful to meet you, and I hope Haley will have you over again soon.”
“It was nice to meet you, Kate,” my dad added.
I opened the front door and led the way toward Kate's car. When we got to the small sedan, I turned to her. “Guess I'll see you Saturday, then. Unless something comes up. You have my number, so just text me or give me a call if you have to cancel. Or if you want to forget about the whole working out part and just go get some ice cream or something,” I told her truthfully.
Just as I’d hoped, she smiled. I was getting addicted to her smiles. “You can't get out of it that easily,” she responded. “But I wouldn't be averse to some ice cream after a hard workout.”
“Are you sure we just can't skip to the good part?” I asked. She gave me a disbelieving look and didn't bother responding.
“Bye, Haley. Thanks again for all your help tonight,” she said as she leaned toward me and put her arms around me in a hug. I was momentarily surprised, but soon enough I was giving her a hug back.
“No problem, Kate. Anytime.”
After Kate left, I went back inside my house to find my entire family waiting for me in the living room. All three looked expectantly at me, my parents hanging off the back of the couch and Eddy standing to the side. I looked at them. They looked at me. Was I supposed to say something?
"Thanks again for tonight," I started hesitantly. "No major embarrassments, which is always appreciated. But"—and here I turned to my sister and pointed in her direction—"what was up with the visit to my room? I specifically asked you for space, and instead you come in and interrupt our study session. Why would you do that?"
"Hey, I was doing you a favor," she said indignantly. "Now you know she likes you, because she made up that whole story about needing your notes and a study session for that class. Megan Jones is super smart and probably does better in history than you do. You should be saying ‘thank you’ instead of attacking me.” She sniffed, piqued. “I'll be the better person, then: you're welcome." With that, she walked right past me and up the stairs, and then I heard her door close. I stood there, shocked at what she had just said.
My head was still turned in the direction of the stairs when I heard my mom say something. I quickly swiveled in that direction.
"Your father and I both like Kate very much, Haley. We totally approve of you two dating, and we're really looking forward to meeting her parents." I understood the words coming out of her mouth, but I was having trouble making any sense of them.
I quickly tried to clarify. "Mom, Kate and I are not dating. We're not even friends. Today was the first time I've ever even had a conversation with her. Plus, she's straight," I added so they would know they were definitely getting the entire thing wrong.
My dad jumped in. "Honey, I'm not an expert on same-sex relationships. Or the love lives of high school girls. But that girl was definitely into you tonight. And from what your sister said, it sounds like she saw something there too," he pointed out.
I was getting a little grossed out now. I did not want my parents discussing, or even thinking about, my nonexistent love life. "You are all way off," I protested. "I hardly know the girl! She's just a really nice person who is friendly. That's it. There is absolutely no romance involved. And I really want to stress this part again, because I think it’s the most important: she is straight.”
“Or she might be bisexual. Or questioning, or gay, or on her own spectrum of sexuality. You said yourself that you didn’t know her very well. Why is it so hard to believe that she may like you?” my mom asked with a gentleness in her voice that made me swallow a lump forming in my throat. I didn’t know why I was getting emotional about this nonsense.
“I won’t be some straight girl’s experiment,” I told them with finality. “So please just drop it.” I didn’t wait for a response. I turned and made my way to my room. I tried thinking about how fun this night had been with Kate, but my mind kept drifting back to what my family had said. I knew they meant well and wanted me to be happy. I also wasn’t deluded enough to think they hadn’t noticed my crush on Kate. As I was learning, I was pretty transparent with my feelings. So they’d put two and two together and got six: I liked Kate, Kate was nice to me, therefore she liked me and we should be dating.
But that wasn’t how it worked. I was forming a friendship with Kate, and I didn't want to jeopardize that with wishful thinking about romance. It was ironic that, before, I’d been nervous about having any contact with her. Just the idea of talking to her had made me sweat through my clothes. But I’d had such a good time with her tonight that I really wanted to hang out with her again. She was funnier and easier to talk to than I’d thought she would be. Me and my lesbian crush would probably ruin all that if I wasn't careful.
No matter how well-meaning my family was, I couldn't let my romantic feelings get in the way. Because I definitely had romantic feelings at this point. Kate had gone from being a goddess who I didn't know to this great person that I was getting to know. I still had a crush, but it was more real now because Kate was more real to me. It was amazing that my whole view of her had changed in only a few hours. Looking back to just this morning, it was embarrassing how I’d thought about her. I’d practically dehumanized her with my focus on her physical traits and my complete ignorance of her personality.
I thought about calling Marie to talk some of this stuff out, but I couldn't quite make myself do it. I just wanted to sit in my room and think about things for a little bit, like could a lesbian be friends with a straight girl who she had a crush on? If movies and TV shows were anything to go by, the lesbian usually ended up dead or heartbroken. The idea of either of those things happening to me was very unappealing.
And there was that last sliver of thought that refused to be dislodged in my mind. What if, against all reason and rationality, Kate actually liked me? Just the thought made me feel warm in the best way possible. Hope was sometimes a little brighter than the harsh light of reality.