School the next day was uncertain. I didn't know how I would act if I ran into Kate. It was great thinking we were friends after a fun night together, but after sleeping on it, the old nervousness had come back to me. Did we actually have anything in common? We shared the same sense of humor and both liked tacos. As far as I knew, that was it. I didn’t think she would ignore me if we ran into each other in the hallway, but did she really want to be my friend?
It turned out Kate was the least of my worries. I got to school at my regular time and parked in the student lot. Eddy and I had not talked during the entire ride over. I was still mad at her for the stunt she’d pulled last night, and she seemed to be mad at me too for some reason. She probably still thought I hadn’t shown enough gratitude for the “help” she’d given me. We were at a stalemate, neither of us willing to back down. I wasn’t too worried, though. Usually when we had a fight, we gave each other the silent treatment for a few days and then silently agreed to ignore what had happened. And honestly, I could sort of see where she was coming from. She thought she was helping me in her own crazy way, while I hoped she was coming to realize that I saw her actions as intrusive and rude. Either way, our mutual silent treatment left me feeling irritated as I locked the car and headed toward the school.
Walking through the front doors alone, my irritation turned to dread. Jenny Jeffries, my archnemesis, was walking straight toward me. I steeled myself for the unpleasantness to come. She had hated me for years, and I still could not figure out why. I had racked my brain after every one of our encounters, where she usually belittled me and made less-than-subtle references to how stupid she thought I was, but I was still in the dark. I had even resorted to asking Marie to fish around and see if anyone else knew why Jenny hated me. She had come back to me empty-handed.
So when Jenny stopped right in front of me and asked with the most pleasant tone of voice she had ever spoken to me, “Haley, can I please speak to you for a moment?” I was shocked.
“Sure, I guess we can talk,” I stammered out. As she led the way down the hall, I wondered if it was a good idea to go somewhere private with a person who enjoyed making fun of me. Maybe today was the day she snapped, and she was leading me to my death in a dark corner of the school. I really had to stop following people into dark corners of the school.
We ended up in a small classroom by the gym. I remembered taking a couple of written exams in the room when I took gym freshman year.
I became mildly alarmed when she closed the door behind us. Looking around, I saw that she was standing in front of the only way in or out of the room. If this was a murder plot, then it was going very well so far, at least for her. Me, not so much.
“So, I saw you talking to Kate Monroe yesterday,” she started. This was unexpected.
“Yeah,” I drew out slowly. That was all I was willing to say until I was a little clearer on what was going on.
Jenny looked at her feet. She seemed to be having trouble getting out what she wanted to say. Finally, she took a breath and made up her mind. “I don’t think you know this, but Kate is actually one of my really good friends. We grew up on the same street together, and I used to go over to her house so much that I practically lived there. She doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, so I sort of took over a sibling role.”
She paused and gathered her thoughts again. I’d had no idea she was close to Kate. I hadn’t even known that they knew each other.
“Look, what I’m trying to say is, don’t even think about hurting her. Kate is one of the best people I know and deserves to be with someone who recognizes how awesome she is. For some reason, she likes you. I don’t know what she sees in you, because you have always been really annoying and whiny, but I’m not the one who wants to date you. So don’t be a jerk to her and we’ll be fine,” she said, sending my world off its axis.
My legs got really weak all of a sudden, and I had to sit in the nearest chair or I was going to end up on the floor. I was shocked. I was sure I had heard it all wrong, and that Jenny Jeffries of all people hadn’t just announced that Kate liked me. This had to be a joke. It was just like her to find the cruelest thing to say to hurt me.
“Why are you saying this?” I asked her. I couldn’t control the weak sound of my own voice. It got even worse when I felt the urge to cry. I put my hands over my eyes in an attempt to stifle any tears.
“What's the matter with you?" she said, exasperated. "I just told you that a beautiful girl likes you, and you're falling apart. You should be jumping around with joy. Actually, you should be celebrating the fact that anyone likes you despite all your deficiencies. I can't be the only one who can't stand you."
I couldn't help it. The pressure behind my eyes finally broke and I was crying. It was one of the worst things that could have happened. I was crying over a girl who was my tormentor’s best friend.
"Oh my god, you're crying now. This is pathetic. Why in the world are you crying?"
I didn't answer. I just kept my head down on the desk and let the tears flow. At least I wasn't sobbing. This was already embarrassing enough without big, ugly sobs and snot everywhere.
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they got worse. I felt an arm go around my shoulders. Then my back was being patted awkwardly. I cried harder when I figured out that Jenny Jeffries was trying to console me. I really was pathetic.
"There, there," she muttered halfheartedly. It was obvious she didn't want to be sitting there with me. I didn't blame her. I wouldn't have wanted to be with me either, in the state I was in.
There were a few more seconds of awkward patting, murmured attempts at consolation, and my sniffling. Finally, Jenny seemed to have had enough, because she pulled back and grabbed my shoulders to straighten me in the chair.
“Look, you better get yourself together. I have no idea why you’re crying, and frankly, I don’t really care that much. If you don’t like Kate—and you’d be an idiot not to, because she is awesome—don’t worry about it. She’s a big girl and she can take rejection. But if you do like her, then woman up and go get the girl. Sitting there crying isn’t accomplishing anything.” She gave me a little shake to knock some sense into me before letting go.
I wasn’t sure if it was the force of her words or from being manhandled, but my crying tapered off and I took a deep breath. When I got myself together, I voiced my doubts.
“I don’t believe you. Kate doesn’t like me. She hardly knows me. How can she like me?” I reasoned.
Jenny rolled her eyes at me. “That’s what dating is for, you idiot. To get to know someone. And I wish I were lying, but I know when Kate likes someone, and unfortunately she likes you. She has not stopped talking about you for a few weeks now. How funny you are, how smart, how nice you are to everyone. I had to double-check who she was talking about, because it didn’t sound anything like you.” Her words were not exactly nice, but my hopes lifted just a bit. Could she maybe be telling the truth?
“I didn’t know you and Kate were so close,” I said. The change of topic took her by surprise, if her widened eyes and raised eyebrows were any indication, but she recovered quickly.
“There’s no reason you should,” she responded. “You’ve never hung out with either of us, and the three of us have never had a class together. It’s a big school. You can’t know everything about everybody. Plus, it’s not like we’re joined at the hip. She has her cheerleading and I’ve got my own things going on. But that doesn’t mean she’s not family. Because she is,” she pointed out again, with more than a little bit of menace.
“But isn’t Kate straight?” I asked. “I might not know everything about her, but I do know that she’s had boyfriends. How does that fit into what you’re saying about her maybe liking me?”
Jenny threw her hands up in exasperation. “Seriously, have you never heard of bisexuals?” she threw back at me. “They're not like unicorns. They do exist in real life. Not everything is so black and white, or in this case, gay or straight. Geez, you really need to broaden your circle of knowledge. There’s this thing called the Internet that’s great for looking stuff up. Try it, maybe you’ll learn something.”
It was unnerving to hear her say almost exactly what my mother had said last night before I’d shut down my parents' attempts at telling me that Kate might like me. So far, there were now five people who had said that, and even discounting the fact that three of them were related to me, that was a good number of people who somehow might have been seeing what I couldn’t, or refused to.
I looked at Jenny. She didn’t look happy in the way she might have if she were feeding me a bunch of lies I was eating up without question; I would have expected to see more slyness in her expression if that were true. Instead, she looked put out, like she couldn’t believe she was sitting here with me of all people, trying to help me sort out my love life. Honestly, I couldn’t believe we were in this situation either.
Once she realized I finally understood what she was saying, she let out a sigh of relief. “All right, so do you get it now? A girl likes you. Everyone knows that you like girls, since you decided to announce it in the middle of a class, so this is a good thing.” She shook her head. “Who the hell comes out in English class? When I heard about that, I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. So of course I wasn’t surprised when I found out it had been you,” she said matter-of-factly.
These insults were getting old. “Why do you hate me so much?” I asked. This was my chance to finally get some answers for all the years of abuse. “I’ve tried to think of reasons why you don’t like me, and I’ve come up blank. One day you just started being an ass to me, and it’s been really annoying, especially since I have no idea why.”.
I was surprised to see her nonchalantly shrug. "I think I've been pretty clear over the years why I don't like you. You're annoying, whiny, boring, your voice is too high-pitched, your hair looks stupid…I could go on all day. All of these things I've mentioned before, by the way. It's not my fault you never listen."
"So there wasn't one event that triggered all this hatred?" I asked. I had been operating under the assumption that I had done something to make her dislike me. Finding out that there wasn't a reason actually made me feel a little better. I couldn't change who I was, and if she didn't like me, that was her issue, not mine.
"It's more that the whole package is offensive to me," she answered, looking me up and down. "Crying over absolutely nothing just increases my dislike for you. How can I let one of my best friends potentially date a basket case? You're lucky I respect her so much, or I would be doing everything in my power to prevent her from even getting close to you. But for whatever reason, she sees something in you that I don't, so I'm just going to be a supportive best friend and console her when you eventually break up."
She stood up from the chair she was in and grabbed her backpack from a desk. Taking that as a cue that our conversation was done, I did the same. Apparently I was wrong, though, because she turned to me and asked a question.
"What was up with all the crying just now? I mean, you like Kate, don't you?"
I nodded. This was only the second time I had ever admitted to liking anyone out loud before. It was amazing who my two confidants were: my best friend and my worst enemy.
“Then what’s the problem?” she asked. After everything that had happened in such a short period of time, I was beginning to figure out what the problem was, but was hesitant to acknowledge it.
Suddenly the bell rang. We had been holed up in this room for long enough to be late for class. “Damn,” Jenny said under her breath. To me she said, “Thanks to your emotional fragility, I’m going to be late. I thought this would take five minutes tops, and then you had to go and have a breakdown right in front of me. Typical you,” she accused, “messing up what should be something easy.”
She walked to the door, but before she opened it, she threw one last warning at me. “You better get your stuff together before trying to get with Kate. Last thing she needs is all your baggage bringing her down.” With that, she left the room, leaving me with my thoughts and a few ideas of what to do next. The first thing was getting to class, because I was beyond late at that point.
I slipped into history class, but when I chanced a glance at the teacher, it was clear that I had been seen. A detention slip would be forthcoming, which I deserved. My eye caught Kate’s. She was sitting a few rows up, looking worried, but once I gave her a smile, the tension on her face eased and she turned back to the teacher.
I tuned out the lecture and instead tried to analyze my thoughts (hey, I had a study buddy in this class now, so I could afford to slack off a little). Jenny was right, I did have to get myself emotionally in shape before I started anything with Kate. Because I was ready to face the truth. Everyone close to me said that Kate liked me, so I should start listening to them. By taking off the blinders I had set up regarding anything romantic, I could finally see that all the smiles and offers to study and workout on her part were actually flirting. If some boy had been acting the same around Eddy or Marie, I would have come to the same conclusion they had about me and Kate.
But I did give myself some slack, because there was no way I could have known that Kate wasn’t straight. At least, not entirely straight. I wished people would wear signs announcing their orientation. If Kate had been wearing a button that said “Lesbian” or “Bisexual,” it really would have saved a lot of time and stress on my part. Because I never wanted to be that lesbian who hit on straight girls or got her heart broken by someone just having fun until she met the guy of her dreams. I’d blame popular culture for saddling me with the idea of the sad lesbian destined to die alone with dozens of cats.
My heart had been too guarded, but I was ready to see if Kate could take good care of it, at least for a little while. I wasn’t deluded enough to think that anything long-term would come of being with Kate, but it would be nice to finally go out on a proper date with someone. Maybe even have an official girlfriend. That idea caused a warmth that traveled from my toes all the way up to the top of my head. A silly smile formed on my face, but I couldn’t get it to leave. Cuddles with Kate Monroe might happen in real life soon, not just in my daydreams and fantasies.
But first I had to be brave. So far, Kate had done much of the work in trying to get my attention, and while she definitely had it, now it was my turn to show her that I was interested too. No more crying about the possibility that I would make unwanted advances and be rejected, or that Kate would just be using me. It was time to have faith, in both Kate's trustworthiness and my own appeal.
Jenny Jeffries deserved a thank-you for making me see the light and face my fears. Some cookies would be appropriate if I wasn’t sure she would just throw them in the trash once she saw that they were from me. And at least now I could put aside those stupid fears that she was secretly in love with me. It was quite liberating to know that she hated me for totally invalid and irrational reasons. That said more about her than me, honestly.
I vowed to spend the rest of the day working on a plan so that when I saw Kate alone tomorrow for our scheduled workout, I would be prepared not just for the treadmill or weights or whatever else she planned to torture me with, but for any opportunities that arose that would allow me to show my more romantic nature.
If everyone was right and Kate liked me, then I should see an immediate positive reaction to my attempts. If everyone was wrong and she didn’t like me, then I could use one of the weights to knock myself out and spare me the embarrassment of her rejection. Either way, I would have some clarity after tomorrow.