THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11
The morning workout hadn’t removed the feeling of her blackout, and Jaime hurried through her front door. Maybe she just needed to relax a bit. Curl up with the novel she’d been reading in fits and starts. But when she walked through the apartment she couldn’t find it. She frowned, but she’d probably misplaced it, or Caroline had put it somewhere in one of her bursts of cleaning.
Without the book’s plot to distract her, the walls of her apartment pressed against her. It felt so empty and small that she toyed with asking Caroline to take a vacation day or two. Would that help press back the trapped feeling? She wasn’t really sure, but she couldn’t ask her friend to use precious vacation time to babysit her.
She felt the energy bottled up inside.
After pacing like a caged cat, no insult to Simba, Jaime decided enough was enough. It had been four days. She wanted that to be long enough for everyone to decide she was ethically sound. After all, attorneys had a lower professional responsibility standard than most would find acceptable. It had been a surprise to learn in law school that her personal standards for ethics were higher than those required by the bar.
Left to her thoughts she’d go crazy. The questions were endless.
What if the criminal charges didn’t stick? What if Dane decided to make her pay anyway? What if she lost her job?
She got dressed and headed to Old Town via the Metro. She’d forgotten to ask Chandler if he’d had time to reclaim her car, but it would be a while before she was jumping to drive anyway.
When she reached the King Street offices of Daniels, McCarthy & Associates, she was ready to argue long and hard for her dream. Bella had barely nodded her back to Savannah’s office before Jaime launched into her argument.
“It’s been long enough, Savannah. The bar must have had the allegations for at least a couple weeks before they sent me the letter, so surely they’ve made their decision.” Jaime met her mentor’s gaze.
Savannah was shaking her head. “These things take more than a couple days to handle.”
“What if I don’t have more time? I’ve got to get back to work or I won’t have a job.” Especially if someone was maneuvering to get her fired.
“You know that’s not true. You’ve always got a job.” Savannah spread her arms wide, indicating the office.
“But maybe that’s not what I want.” Jaime ignored the flare of emotion on Savannah’s face. “I am a criminal defense attorney. That’s who I am. I give a voice to the innocent who need an advocate they can’t afford, something I can’t do while I’m sidelined.”
“These things take time, Jaime.”
“I don’t have time.” Grant had been clear that he could only hold her job for a couple weeks—she’d overheard the pressure he was under. Was it only three days ago? Every hour away made it easier for him to talk himself into taking away her job. The injustice of the situation made her so mad—she wanted, no needed, to fight back. If only she knew how. “I don’t know who I am without my work.”
Savannah leaned forward. To Jaime, her black suitcoat fitted against her black sheath suggested she was dressed to attend the funeral for Jaime’s career. “You hired me to talk you out of craziness, so listen to me.”
“I didn’t hire you. You won’t let me pay you.”
“Then pay me a dollar.”
“I can afford to really pay you. I’ve got a little saved.” If she ate ramen noodles for the rest of the year.
“And I’m here to save you from yourself.” Savannah picked up a pen from her desk and put it dancing across her fingers. “If you rush this process, you’ll lose more than a few weeks at the PD’s office. You have to trust me.”
Trust.
It was easy to say but so hard to do.
Jaime met Savannah’s gaze and thought of all the times the woman had been there for her. Bile rose in her throat at the thought that her career was on the line. She swallowed against it. “I can’t lose my career.”
“I know.” But Savannah’s gaze hardened as she studied Jaime. “This is about so much more than a job. You must let go of control. You hold on to it so tightly, but you must trust me and ultimately God.”
“You’re easier to trust than He is.”
“Right now. But what if all of this is about pushing your future beyond your ability to mold and control? What if you have to lose it to see how unimportant it really is?”
“Unimportant? How can you say that when you know how hard I had to fight to get into law school and then get through it?” Jaime’s voice shook. “I can’t depend on anyone else to take care of me.”
“Even me?”
The quiet words fell with the force of a thunderclap between them. Jaime got up and paced in front of Savannah’s desk, feeling as if there was a battle going on, one she couldn’t understand other than that the tight knot in her stomach told her she wasn’t all right. “That’s not fair.”
“Of course it is. You can’t make statements like that without expecting a reaction.” Savannah relaxed and placed her hands on the desk. “Jaime, there is more to you than this job.”
“It involves my reputation. No one will hire me if these charges follow me.”
“They won’t. But you have to be patient.”
“I can’t. I have to get back into court.”
“Why?”
“Because that is what I spent my adult life working toward.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to give a voice to the innocent and protect the rights of the guilty.”
“That’s noble, but why?”
“Because without help they will be wrongly imprisoned.”
“Wouldn’t that be easier to do from a firm like this?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because many lack the funds to pay for good representation.”
“And that’s your duty?” Savannah studied her with an unrelenting gaze.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“When did you become a two-year-old?”
Savannah just studied her.
“Because I know the pain of not being believed. I needed an advocate, and no one came. I want to ensure that doesn’t happen here.”
“So help Tiffany.”
Pain shot through Jaime with such an intensity she almost wished Savannah had sliced her open with a knife. At least then she could be put back together. Instead, she felt herself slipping into a memory. Into a well of pain she kept locked up. With three words, Savannah had thrown up the door to expose it to the light.
“I can’t.” The words barely qualified as a whisper, but she felt them vibrate from her soul.
“You can.” Savannah stood and came around to Jaime. “Sometimes the only way we are made whole is when we take our pain and use it to help others. You can do more for Tiffany than I ever could, because despite my best intentions and efforts, I have not walked her road. I do not know the unique pain she has experienced. You do.”
The words reverberated through her, a pulsing call to arms.
Jaime wanted to run from it, pretend she hadn’t heard. But she couldn’t. Savannah’s words echoed the call of her heart to be that voice for the innocent. What was more innocent than a violated child?
“Isn’t the fact she was abused further evidence that your God is one I should run the other direction to avoid? What kind of God would allow this pain for a child? And abusers rarely have one victim. They leave behind a string of ruined lives.”
“I can’t help all of them, Jaime. But I can help Tiffany. You can help Tiffany. She’s the child who’s been placed in front of us with a sign that says Help Needed. The only question is whether you’ll be part of her healing.”
“Where were people when I needed healing?” The words were too loud for the space.
“God is always there. Even when we can’t see Him. When He seems most hidden, He is most present. I’ve found in those moments He is closer than my breath. I have to choose whether to see Him, but He’s there.” Savannah reached for her hand, but Jaime tugged free of the touch.
The words rolled off Jaime. They didn’t connect with her reality, with her experience.
“Don’t forget He brought you to us.” Savannah let the words settle. “Will you help?”
“No.” Then, before she could walk away, “Yes.”
“Good.” Savannah opened a desk drawer and pulled out a slim red folder. “Here’s a list of questions we need to answer.”
Jaime felt numb as she took the folder. She didn’t want to look at the questions and see what Savannah thought was important. She already knew. What was important was getting Tiffany as far as possible from her abuser so he couldn’t molest her again. Until that happened, all efforts were wasted.
“Bella will show you an empty office. It’s the last one we have, but I have the feeling we’ll need more.”
“Are you attracting strays?” Savannah had given Hayden and Emilie space when they’d had to leave their jobs.
“No. This is about bringing together strong women who know how to use the law to help people.”
“Angela doesn’t fit.”
“Angela needed an escape to a meaningful practice.”
“I don’t want to be another charity case for you.”
“You aren’t, Jaime. By helping Tiffany, you’re freeing me to keep your case moving. Between your uncle and the bar, you create enough work for a couple clients.”
Jaime glanced around the office, took in the framed licenses, the graduation certificates, the Harvey prints. There was a dignified air to the space, with the colorful Persian rug and the real ficus tree in the corner. African violets bloomed on the wide windowsill. But it was clear that Savannah invested in people rather than things.
“What if I say yes to pay you back for helping me?”
“I want you to say yes because you want to help Tiffany.”
“I do, but I need to know I’m compensating you for your time.”
“Then do this, and I’ll consider the debt paid.”
Jaime heard her, but the words slammed around her soul. Could she do this? Could she really go deeper into Tiffany’s pain without losing herself? As she thought of the child’s shy smile and shadowed eyes, she knew she didn’t have a choice.
Savannah had found her Achilles heel and was using it forcefully.
“All right.” For better or worse, she was in.