Marissa didn’t even bother to get out of bed when Allison came by after work. Thankfully, Allie didn’t seem to mind, and she brought food. Nothing too heavy but enough to count as putting something in her stomach.
“I’m still mad at you,” Marissa reiterated as she pulled out a famous Jack in the Box taco.
“You can be as mad as you want.” Allie settled in next to Marissa on the bed, pulling out her box of curly fries. “It’s only because I love you, and I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Marissa twitched her nose, taking another bite of her food before letting out a sigh. Before she could answer, Allie bumped her shoulder. “I guess that’s fair,” she muttered.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. What was that?” Allie grinned playfully.
Despite how tired and achy Marissa felt, she couldn’t help but smile. “That’s fair. I don’t know what I would do without you either.” She leaned over, resting her head on her friend’s shoulder.
“Now that you’ve eaten, do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you from downstairs?”
Marissa considered for a moment. She did have an unopened bottle of wine downstairs that was just waiting for a girl’s night. But if Marissa were being honest, she wasn’t really feeling up to it tonight. Everything still hurt.
“No, I’m good. How long are you hanging around for?”
“Oh, I already ran home and fed Wicket. You’ve got me all night and tomorrow. I was thinking we could do a movie marathon.”
“I’m down.” Marissa straightened before leaning over to the other side to turn up her heating pad. She took one of the pillows she had shoved behind her and offered it to Allie, leaving the remaining three as is. She spent the next five minutes struggling to find that comfortable spot that didn’t send searing pain up her back.
“I was thinking of a ninety’s marathon. Like, American Pie, She’s All That, Ten Things I Hate About You…”
“Oh, I like that,” Marissa answered, finally managing some comfort. “Let’s start with Clueless.”
“Definitely,” Allie enthusiastically agreed, finding the movie among the streaming channels in minutes.
When Saturday afternoon rolled around, Marissa pulled herself out of bed. Looking in the mirror, she studied the reflection that stared back. She felt like a shadow of her former self. Marissa used to take so much pride in her looks, had routines morning and night, and spent a lot of time focused on her hair. Now, she barely bothered to wash her face. Her dark, thick hair was long and full of curls after spending the last forty-eight hours up in a very messy bun. Throwing some cold water on her face, she pulled her hair back up and went into the hallway. Marissa stopped at the top of the stairs, taking a deep breath before looking into her office. From the hallway, she could see half of the whiteboard beside the window. Stepping into the room, she let her eyes fall over the board, studying the same images and words for the hundredth time.
It was almost a carbon copy of the setup they’d had in the SPD room. Pictures of the victims, descriptions, dates, and times written in marker. Above the pictures of the victims, she had stuck two pink post-it notes, numbered 1 and 2. The rest of the board was covered in different colored Post-its: thoughts she’d had, theories they’d been working. In the corner was a map with pins when they thought maybe it was about the location. Her own picture was at the end of the board, along with Tom Disher’s. Hers was the only one that wasn’t marked deceased. While she had been able to re-create the board, she had not had much luck adding to it. She hadn’t been in much of a position to do any further investigating. All she could do was add her own theories and watch for the pattern, making sure it wasn’t happening somewhere else. With a heavy heart, she stepped out of the room and closed the door, heading down the stairs.
She let Ellie out and went straight to the coffee pot. While she waited for the coffee to finish, she flipped through her phone—no new messages. Fuck, she needed to change the wallpaper.
Opening up her texts again, she opened Jared’s conversation. It was now full of unanswered pleas and apologies. It had been over two weeks since her last message. “I hope you don’t plan on staying mad at me forever.” She knew it was more like putting her thoughts out into the void; he wasn’t going to answer. It had been months now. Closing her texts, she scrolled through her contacts and stopped at her sister.
It only rang once before her chipper voice rang through. “Hey, Riss, what’s up?”
“Hey. Why don’t I take the girls for the night? I owe the girls a slumber party, and you and Brian can have a date night.”
“Uh…” Melanie was clearly caught off guard, but as her thoughts caught up with her, she heard the bounce in her voice. “Oh my god, yes! That would be amazing!” She paused. “Are you sure you want all four of them?”
Marissa laughed. “Of course I do. Give me a few hours to pick up some supplies for tonight and then drop them off. You guys deserve a night off.”
“Okay. I’ll get the girls ready!” She could hear her sister giggling with excitement. “Thank you so much!”
Once she hung up, Marissa grabbed her hoodie and called Ellie inside. “Come on, girl. We’re gonna go to the store. Buy some food.”
Marissa spent the afternoon at the store, circling the isles and coming home with only junk food and sodas. The girls came over in the afternoon, Mel all but tossing them inside and running off after double-checking once again that Marissa was sure. She adored her nieces. Bree was almost a teenager, as she liked to remind everyone often, just in case they forgot. She looked just like Melanie had when she was that age. Long, wild hair with big, bright brown eyes, tall and lanky but starting to hit maturity. She went out of her way to make sure she was being helpful and was always so sweet. Blaire and Bridget were eight and six, respectively, but looked and acted like twins. They were little troublemakers who liked mayhem and mischief and loved lying around with Ellie. And then there was Baby Bethany, the sweetest of the four, always giving hugs and just wanting to cuddle.
They spent the evening watching Disney movies and eating junk food. When it came time for dinner, Marissa ordered pizza. Allison stopped in just to check up and stuck around to watch Tangled before heading home. As hard as she tried, Marissa couldn’t really stay mad at Allie.
As the night went on, Marissa turned the pullout couch into a bed. Slowly, all of them were asleep except Bethany. So she cuddled up with the four-year-old and put on Fantasia. Marissa had hoped it would help soothe her to sleep, but as the movie came to an end, she still couldn’t sleep. Tucking all the girls in, she carefully got up and brought the empty popcorn bowl to the kitchen.
Sitting down at her kitchen island, she thumbed through her phone, staring at her text messages and searching socials. Before she could think better of it, the phone was to her ear, and the other end of the line was ringing.
“Marissa,” a growl echoed on the other end of the line.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s late.” Marissa closed her eyes. Angry or not, the sound of his voice instantly made her heart race.
“You need to fucking stop. Stop fucking calling me. Stop fucking texting.”
There was a long pause, but he didn’t hang up.
“I just…” She hadn’t really had a plan when she called. She hadn’t actually expected him to answer. “I miss my friend.”
“Marissa.” Jared sighed heavily. “Just fucking stop.”
“I know you’re angry. I know that I hurt you. But I need—”
“Nope. Not a chance.” He grumbled into the phone, keeping his voice low. More than likely because Kirstie was right there sleeping. “I don’t fucking care what you need. I stopped caring about what you fucking needed the second you made it clear you didn’t care about what I fucking needed.”
“I—”
“Nope. You’re going to listen to me. The only reason I answered you in the first place is that I need you to fucking understand that you need to fucking stop. You made your bed; now you have to fucking lie in it.” He paused, letting out a big sigh. “I don’t know if we can go back, Marissa. From where I’m standing right now, I don’t see how.”
Dropping her head into her hand, she nodded to no one but herself. “Yeah, okay.” What else could she say? “I’m sorry,” she all but whispered before she hung up.
He wasn’t wrong. Marissa knew he wasn’t wrong. What else could she do? She needed him to be this angry. But for the first time, she didn’t have her best friend. She dropped her arms and buried her head down on her island counter, only to lift it back up at the sound of footsteps.
“Bridge, what are you doing up?”
“I thought I heard something.” She rubbed her eyes. “Are you sad?”
“I’m just tired, honey.”
“Mommy says you miss Uncle Jared.”
“Yeah, I do,” she told the six-year-old honestly.
“She also says Auntie Kirstie makes you sad, too.”
Marissa raised an eyebrow. “You’re calling her Auntie Kirstie already?”
“Yeah. Mommy asked us to call her that when she took us to the aquarium last week.” She covered her mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”
“It’s okay, sweetie.” She was going to just pretend she hadn’t heard it. It may have been childish, but it was absolutely the answer right now. “Are you thirsty?”
“Nope.” The little girl grinned at her.
“Okay. I’m going to get myself something to drink, and then how about we watch Fantasia 2000 and lie back down?”
“Is that the one with the whale?”
“Yes, ma’am, it is.”
Bridget giggled and did a little happy dance. “That one is my favorite.”
“Perfect. You go lie down and get comfy, and I’ll be right there.”
Once the six-year-old was out of sight, Marissa pulled the bottle of rum down from her alcohol cabinet, twisted the cap off, and took a large gulp. And then another. Once she put the bottle back, she grabbed a soda from the fridge. She returned to the living room to watch Fantasia 2000, Bridget already sleeping soundly into the first song.
Settling in her Lazy Boy chair, she raised the footrest and pulled a blanket over her, patting her leg to invite Ellie all the way up. The shepherd had her head on Marissa’s leg, waiting patiently for an invitation. How they both fit so comfortably in the chair was anyone’s guess, but the sixty-pound dog believed herself to be a lapdog.
On-screen, the music had changed from “The Pines of Rome” with the whale artistry to “Rhapsody in Blue.” She wasn’t able to focus on the cartoon, though. Instead, her mind drifted back to the last time Jared had been in the house with her.
It felt like a lifetime ago when they had been sitting on her kitchen floor, each with a spoon in a carton of vanilla ice cream. Jared had come to spend the weekend with her, as he had done for the past year. He would make the two-and-a-half-hour drive in the middle of Friday, trying to beat traffic, and would stay until usually late Sunday night.
It was only Friday night, and after an enthusiastic hello, they’d decided that ice cream sounded better than dinner. Jared had taken a bite and smiled at her, watching her while she nearly gave herself a brain freeze.
“What?” Marissa had laughed.
“Come home,” Jared said after a moment passed, putting his spoon down.
Marissa paused and looked down at the ice cream carton. “No,” she said softly.
“Please come home.”
Marissa had wanted so badly to put this off. “I’m not going back.” She closed the carton, rose to her feet, and put it back into the freezer before turning back to him. She remained standing, leaning her hand against the counter for the support she was going to need.
“What the hell do you mean?” He furrowed his brow. “We talked about this. We’ve been talking about this.”
Marissa sighed, fidgeting as she stood there, trying to avoid his eyes. “I know.” She lowered her voice, still looking at the floor as he stood in front of her. “Can we just not do this now? Enjoy the weekend?”
“No. You can’t do that. You can’t avoid answering me.” She could feel his eyes boring into her as he stared intently at her.
“I’m not avoiding. I just…” This had all been so much easier in her head. “I just wanted to enjoy the weekend.” She took a slow breath, realizing he wasn’t going to let this go.
Without looking up, she heard him clench his jaw. “When were you planning on telling me you weren’t coming home?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
“God damn—I’m trying here, Rissa. I’ve been patient. I’ve been following the plan. Your fucking plan. And now you’re telling me you just aren’t going to come home?”
“I know. I’m sorry. Plans change.” Marissa sighed. “I just … can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Why not?” Jared sure as fuck wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Please.” She closed her eyes. “Don’t ask me that.”
“Why? Not?” He emphasized each word.
“Because.” Taking a deep breath, she straightened her shoulders, slightly lifting her head but still avoiding his eyes. “I’m not going back. I’ve already made all the arrangements. For the condo. For the work transfer. I’m—I can’t go back.”
“So … so you made this decision a while ago. And didn’t bother to even fucking include me?! How long were you going to keep up the lie?”
“I’ve been trying to talk to you for a while now. I just didn’t know how. It wasn’t a lie.” She paused. “I just wasn’t ready for this to be over.”
He stared at her, confused. “Over? What the fuck does that mean?”
“Because your life is there.” Marissa swallowed anxiously before looking up at him. “And mine is here now. I can’t go back there. This isn’t fair. To either of us.”
“Your life was there, too!” Jared gestured into the vague distance. “We have plans, Marissa. Plans that require us to live in the same city, let alone the same fucking house.” He paused, the realization washing over his face. “Are … are you leaving me?”
“Jared.” Marissa had closed her eyes and looked away. “You know I love you. You are my best friend in the entire world.”
“Answer the question.”
She kept going. “The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”
“Answer the question.”
“Things have changed. Plans change. People change.” She was starting to feel frantic but refused to let the tears surface, fighting back any sign of weakness.
“Answer the fucking question, Marissa!”
“Yes!” She had snapped as she met his gaze again, forcing the words out. “Yes, I am. We have tried this so many times, and it never works. And I do love you. But it’s just not enough!”
“Don’t give me that fucking bullshit! Never works? Other than you changing our plans without discussing anything with me, what was going wrong?! Give me a real fucking reason and not some fucking lie for your therapist!”
He knew her so fucking well. Marissa hadn’t been sure she was going to be able to go through with this. “How many times have we given this a try? We’ve been divorced twice, or don’t you remember? Something always goes wrong. I just don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Oh, come off it. You don’t want to do this anymore, but you’re fucking happy to lead me on every weekend for how long with the empty promises of coming back home? Of starting a damn family!” His face was red with rage, and he clenched his fists.
“I wasn’t leading you on. I meant all of it. I just realized.” She started stumbling over her words a little, losing her nerve. She had to slow down. “We’ve spent so much time trying so hard to make this work. It shouldn’t be this hard. We’ve spent the better part of our lives trying to make it work, and I just don’t want to keep working so hard to fix us. I almost fucking died, Jared. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“I know!” He had snapped right back at her, hitting his fist on the counter. “I know you did, and it fucking scared the shit out of me, and I’ve been by your side every step of the fucking way!! I’ve done everything you wanted. Everything you’ve asked. And you just … just decided this for us? I don’t get a fucking say?”
Marissa blinked, looking down at Ellie, who nudged her leg.
“You have been so amazing. And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. But no. Because we’ll just keep going in circles like we’ve always done.” She sucked in a breath, the pain on his face so much worse than she could have imagined. “We’re familiar, but it doesn’t mean we’re meant for each other.”
“No,” Jared had said firmly.
“What do you mean no?” She had stared at him in disbelief.
“No,” he repeated.
“It’s over, Jared.”
“No. No! We’ve been doing great!” Jared took a step toward her. “Give me a real reason.”
Marissa paused, swallowing as she looked down at the floor. “Have we? Are you happy right now? Is this what you thought your life would be at this point?” If this kept going, Marissa was going to cave.
“No one’s life is what they thought it would be. I deserve the fucking truth, Marissa.”
She had sucked in another deep breath and had taken a step back. She didn’t have a choice. “I’m telling you the truth. I don’t want this anymore.” She had shuddered. She’d had to force the words out, and she couldn’t even look him in the eyes.
“You’re lying.”
“No. It’s over.” Marissa looked back up at him with wide eyes, taking another step back. “Why would I lie?”
“You tell me.”
“I’m not lying, Jared.” She had swallowed hard. “I’m just done.”
“That’s it? That’s all I get? You’re really not going to give me a reason?”
“I’m sorry,” she’d said weakly.
There had been an uncomfortable silence as Marissa shifted her feet beneath her. When the silence continued, she finally looked up to see him just staring at her. She immediately wished she had kept her eyes down. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Don’t!” he snapped, his voice low and quivering, causing her to jump. He turned, grabbing his jacket before turning back to her one last time. “Goodbye, Marissa.”
She hadn’t started breathing again until she heard the door slam behind him. Crumpling to the floor, she broke down sobbing, unable to catch her breath.
Just the memory of that day brought her to tears. She hadn’t meant a single word. There were so many moments she almost backed out, losing her nerve.
Marissa wasn’t truly shocked that he was still so angry. Chances were he would never forgive her. Now in her chair, shaking her head, she bit down on her lip hard enough to make it bleed, the metallic taste causing her to shudder. Ellie whined and nosed Marissa’s neck, doing her best to be comforting. Scratching the shepherd behind her ear, she glanced over at the girls again before turning back to the movie.