The next couple of weeks felt like they dragged by. September turned to October, and the leaves started to fall, the streets and sidewalks full of autumn colors. No news came from the SPD.
For Marissa, these weeks were full of various ups and downs, some due to med adjustments, and she still had not been cleared for active duty. Things felt stagnant.
She had been asked to act as an extra set of eyes on some local cold cases—but nothing official. She had actually canceled a few sessions with Dr. Seaver before Herbert Jackson, the head of the Port Townsend Police, knocked on her door with the cold case assignments, reminding her that she wasn’t allowed to work unless she saw someone who would give her the green light. The PTPD had been understaffed for as long as Marissa could remember, and Jackson continued to advocate for Marissa to go back to work and join the force, but she couldn’t do it without being given the green light. The fact that she had to rely on Dr. Laura-fucking-Seaver felt like some kind of sick joke from the universe.
After a few weeks off, Dr. Seaver’s office felt smaller than it previously had. As Marissa shifted to get comfortable on the couch, Ellie laid down at her feet. Dr. Seaver was curled up in her big gray chair, pen in hand, notebook on her lap. She gave Marissa a tight smile, her hair was always pulled back in a neat blonde bun that made her face look pinched.
“So, it has been about three weeks since your last visit.”
If it were up to her, she wouldn’t be there. She wasn’t sure there was a question there, but the long pause made Marissa nervous. “Yes.”
“Well, I’m glad you’ve come back.” Something about her voice made Marissa think she didn’t really mean it. “Why don’t you tell me how the last few weeks have been?”
“Pretty uneventful,” she said honestly. If anything, it had almost been boring.
“Nothing of note?”
“I did go on a lunch date.” Marissa rolled back her shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it, but there they were. “You remember I told you about Jack, the guy I met at the Mansera?”
“Yes,” She leaned forward, feigning interest.
“He took me to Doc’s Marina Grill. We had delicious seafood, no alcohol. And then walked along the pier.”
“That sounds like a successful lunch date.”
“It was. Until he tried to put his arm around me.” She sighed at the memory, still frustrated with herself. “I once again freaked out. And this time, I couldn’t even blame alcohol.”
“How did he take it?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I was honest, although I left out all the details. I just told him I’m still working through some trauma.” Marissa hated saying it out loud. It felt like she was openly admitting she was a victim. She was sick and tired of feeling like a victim. “He was actually really understanding.”
There was a long pause before Dr. Seaver broke the silence. “But…?”
“But it’s not exactly like I see myself dating anyone in the future if I can’t be touched.”
“Do you want to date?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted. “I don’t necessarily want to date anyone or be in a relationship. But I would like to think that one day maybe I could accept a hug without freaking out.”
“So let’s take a closer look at that. Is it a certain kind of touch or a particular placement?”
Marissa thought hard about it. It was a fair question, but ultimately, she couldn’t be sure. “I don’t know.”
“Is it from everybody or just men?”
Marissa thought again. “Well, it’s not everybody.”
Mel could give her a hug. Jared had been able to, as well. Shrugging, she sat back and folded her arms across her chest.
“I think that not wanting to be alone is perfectly reasonable. And I think it is something that you can accomplish.”
Marissa wasn’t feeling exceptionally optimistic.
“What happens when you’re touched and you have this reaction?”
Marissa was quiet for a long moment, trying to put it into words. “It’s like a sudden sharp shock. It hits me all over, all at once. And I want to vomit and scream and escape all at once. I feel like I can’t breathe. Like all the air is being squeezed out of me, and I can’t inhale. Every inch of my body feels like it’s on fire, and I literally want to crawl out of my own skin.”
Dr. Seaver nodded in that annoying way she did and wrote something down before looking back at Marissa. “And after this happens and you’ve been able to remove yourself from the situation, a little time has passed…” She leaned forward with interest. “What happens then? How do you feel? How long do those feelings last?”
Marissa sighed, shifting uncomfortably again. “That feeling of wanting to get out of my skin lasts a while.” She thought back to the lunch date and how much she had just wanted to leave after. “I just want to be alone. I sit in the shower for as long as I have hot water; I turn my phone off. I shut down.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I feel at a loss. Rage and grief, for anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days.” There was something about saying the words out loud, letting them roll off her tongue, that made her shudder.
Dr. Seaver talked about a safe space, making it in her mind and talking herself down. In theory, she was sure there was merit to her methods, but it wasn’t resonating with her at the moment. She watched the clock until the time ran out, nodding her head every so often.
Marissa stepped outside, dropping her sunglasses off the top of her head to her eyes, the sun much brighter than she was prepared for. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she turned it back on. Instantly, there was a new message from Allie.
[Allie: Where are you at? It’s my day off, and I want to take you to lunch.]
Hitting the call button, it only rang once before Allie picked up. “Hey!”
“Hey,” Marissa said with slightly less enthusiasm. “What’s up?”
“I want to take you to lunch!” she said in the exact same tone Marissa had read in her text.
“Why?”
“You don’t always have to be so suspicious, you know,” Allison sighed. “Can’t I just hang out with my best friend?”
“I suppose.” She still wasn’t buying it. Considering they hung out most days, it felt like there was more meaning behind this.
“Let’s go to the sushi bar!” The Ichikawa Sushi Bar was their place for sushi and sake.
“Alright. I’m just getting out of Seaver’s office.”
“Perfect! I’ll meet you there in fifteen minutes!”
Marissa hung up and made a face. She didn’t particularly feel up to being social, but Allie would just show up at her door if Marissa canceled on her. So patting her leg, she motioned at Ellie to follow and headed down the street, shoving her hands into her pockets. It was only a five-minute walk down the lane and up a hill.
As she arrived, she leaned against the wall, waiting. Ellie sat at her feet and looked around, ears perked forward. Glancing down at her phone as it buzzed, she let out a heavy sigh as messages came through from her mom. She had given up on phone calls, for the most part, and was now spamming her phone with text messages on a daily basis.
[Mom: Hi Sweetie, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We haven’t talked recently, and I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.]
Moments later, another text.
[Mom: Didn’t you tell me you were going on a date? How did it go? I want to hear all about it.]
Thankfully, Allison arrived seconds later, a big grin on her face. She pushed her sunglasses up, holding her long, dark hair back from her face, and pulled Marissa into a hug. She also took an extra moment to greet Ellie before opening the door. “Let’s go. I’m starving!”
Marissa followed her in, still feeling suspicious of the impromptu lunch. As they sat down, Allie wiggled in her seat, unable to stop smiling, although as she watched Marissa, she was clearly making an effort to stop.
“So, what’s up?” She raised an eyebrow.
Allie just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. “Let’s order first.”
“Well, now I’m really curious.” She folded her arms on the table and leaned on her elbows. “Besides, I’m pretty sure they are already on their way with our order.” They were regulars, so much so that when the staff saw them come in, they usually just went to make the order. “Spill it.”
Allie huffed and ran her hand through her hair, putting her sunglasses on the table. “So, a couple of months ago, I started talking to Natalie again.”
Natalie. Natalie had been Allison’s Jared, for lack of a better comparison. They had started dating in high school and had been together on and off forever, although their last breakup had been explosive. Marissa hadn’t been sure if they even talked anymore. Obviously, the answer was yes. Marissa kept her expression still and leaned forward as she listened intently.
“We obviously needed to work through some things, but we’ve decided to give our relationship another try.” Allie was all but bouncing in her seat. Marissa waited, expecting something else. She didn’t have to wait long. “But to give it a real try, I’m going to move to Seattle.”
Marissa didn’t know how to react. She could see how excited Allie was, but she felt her heart sink regardless. Here, Marissa had finally moved back to their hometown after over a decade, and now Allie was going to escape it. And for someone who had left Allison in pieces. That breakup had nearly destroyed her. “That’s … not what I expected,” she managed honestly.
Allison let out a sigh. “I know. And I know what you’re going to say—”
“Do you?” Marissa leaned forward on her elbows, watching her friend’s expression drop. “Don’t get me wrong, Al, I want you to be happy. But do you remember your last breakup?”
The solemn expression on Allison’s face told her that she did remember. If Jared and Marissa’s relationship was considered turbulent, then Allie and Natalie’s was a damned dumpster fire.
“It wasn’t great,” she admitted.
“Allie, I think you’re understating it a bit. You were so unhappy, you started cheating on her.”
Allison took a deep breath through her nose and folded her arms in front of her on the table. She went to say something as the staff came over with their food. Smiling up at the waitress, Marissa thanked her before sighing back at Allison’s defeated expression.
“I’m sorry. I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through. That’s all.”
“I have. We’ve been talking for months…”
Marissa blinked. She had been so wrapped up in the despair of her own life, she hadn’t even noticed a change in Allison. As she thought back, she could see it clear as day. Some fucking detective she was.
“For months. We are in a really good place, both of us. And we’ve been talking about my moving to Seattle for a while now.” Allie started moving her food around with her chopsticks, no longer meeting Marissa’s gaze. It only took her a second to understand why.
“But you’ve been putting it off,” Marissa said softly.
“I’ve been putting it off.” Allison nodded, lifting her eyes back up to meet Marissa’s. “I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay.”
Now Marissa looked down at her food, though she wasn’t feeling particularly hungry anymore. She couldn’t be the reason anyone put their life on hold. She may not have felt great about Natalie, but she wasn’t going to let anyone, especially Allison, miss out on a chance to live her life because of her.
“Allie,” Marissa started, trying to pick her words carefully. “If you’re sure this is what you really want. If this is what is going to make you happy, then I fully support you. Don’t you dare put your life on hold because of me.”
She shot a finger up as Allison went to say something.
“I am a big girl. I will be okay. Besides, Seattle is not that far. It didn’t come between us while I lived there, and nothing is going to change with you there.
Allie smiled with relief, reaching over to put a hand over Marissa’s. “Thank you. I’m really happy, Riss.”
“Then I’m happy for you.” And even though she still wasn’t sure about Natalie, the glow that surrounded her friend did make her smile. Allison deserved to be happy.
“Hey, how was your lunch date with what’s his name? Is it Jack?”
“Yeah.” She gave her friend a smile. She almost retold how the lunch date went, just like she had told Seaver. But instead, she just gave her a shy shrug. “It was really nice. He’s sweet.”
“Are you going to go out on a real date with him next?” Allie was still vibrating with excitement, and Marissa didn’t want to take away from that.
“Maybe.” It was unlikely, but for her friend’s sake, she would make it seem possible. “So. When are you planning on making the move?”
Allison shifted in her chair. Marissa could tell she wasn’t going to like the answer. “In a couple of weeks.” She gave Marissa a sheepish smile. “I’ve been trying to find a way to bring it up now for a while.”
“What’s a while?” She raised her eyebrow, taking a sip of her water.
“About a month. Month and a half.”
Marissa made a face, unable to stop herself. She wondered if this was how Allie felt when Marissa left Port Townsend. It was so long ago. She could still remember the excitement of moving out to the big city and starting her life with the man she loved. They were married right after that. Of course, that had been over a decade ago and hadn’t worked out. She hoped it would be different for Allie and Nat.
“What’s the plan for the house?”
Allison seemed relieved and wiggled more with excitement as she relayed all the plans to Marissa. “I’m going to list the house on Airbnb. That way, it’s there whenever I’m in town but can pay for itself.”
“Your house is pretty much built to be an Airbnb.” Allison owned a small one-bedroom house, conveniently nestled the perfect distance away from downtown, uptown, and Fort Warden.
“Agreed. I’m pretty excited.”
They stuck around the restaurant for a couple of hours, talking about all of Allison’s plans. Marissa wanted to be supportive but still could not stop her brain from recounting that last, explosive breakup. But maybe if Natalie and Allison could get past their issues and still come together, perhaps there was some hope that she and Jared could at least find some common ground again.
Allison was all but glowing as she shared her plans. Marissa listened intently, trying her best to ignore the voice in the back of her head that kept pointing out all the little things she had missed over the last couple of months. She had been too involved with herself to put any of it together. She looked at the pictures of the apartment Allie was moving to, which she had found with Natalie. It was a beautiful place in a nice location. Things had been paid for, and everything was already in motion. Marissa still wasn’t sold on if it was going to work or not, but it was clear that Allison was ready to make the leap.
Marissa did her best to be helpful while Allie got ready over the next few weeks. She helped her pack boxes and went to the thrift shop to donate a few things that no longer had a place. She helped her clean the house, not that it was a big feat; it was a small house. Marissa told her about all the hotspots she would need to visit and the best places to eat, giving her the grand Seattle tour without actually taking her around from place to place. The internet was great for that. Fuck, she was going to miss her.
Before they knew it, the night of her going away bash was upon them, and Allison was set to leave the next day. Marissa had planned everything down to the very last detail, with a little help from Melanie. The sun was barely in the sky when both Melanie and Marissa arrived on Allie’s doorstep, still dressed in their pajamas, and knocked on the door. When a groggy Allison answered, they allowed her to put her shoes on and then shoved her into Mel’s car. Mel had closed her bakery to the public for the day, cooked some delicious pastries for breakfast, and set up the TV in the dining room so they could comfortably spend the morning watching classic films, such as Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Casablanca—two of Allie’s favorites; she favored herself to be a more modern version of Scarlett O’Hara.
As the afternoon rolled around, they piled back into Mel’s car, still in their pajamas, and drove down toward the Fort and the beach. It wasn’t exactly beach weather, but they got in the icy water like giggling girls anyway and splashed around. Ellie, not a huge fan of water, watched from a safe distance. It was something they had done often during their school days, especially when they were skipping classes.
“God, nothing beats the beach in October.” Marissa breathed in the salt air as she sat down on a rock, her bare feet in the water.
“Agreed.” Allie grinned, sitting next to her and looking out into the Sound.
“There is something wrong with the two of you because it’s freezing out here.” Melanie dramatically pulled her arms into her oversized hoodie.
“No, it feels just right.” Marissa closed her eyes, feeling the breeze. “I’m going to fucking miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too.” Allie sighed. “But like you told me all those years ago, Seattle isn’t that far.”
“I know.” Now it was Marissa’s turn to sigh. Taking another deep breath, she opened her eyes as she exhaled, looking over at Allie. “You are going to love it so much, Al.” Marissa smiled, thinking back to the excitement of moving back to the big city. “And you guys are in the center of it all.”
They hung around the empty beach, taking in the brisk, cool air for a bit longer.
After stops at Allie’s and Mel’s to allow each to get ready for the night, they ended up at Marissa’s, where she also changed into evening-appropriate clothes and took some precautionary medication, hoping to stave off the aches till the next day. She just wanted to enjoy this night to the fullest.
They met up with some other friends of Allie’s, acquaintances Marissa knew and was friendly with, but nothing beyond that. They started at Sirens, a bar on the pier. The women munched on appetizers and enjoyed fancy cocktails.
“I’m so excited for you!” Mandy, the sandy blonde-haired girl exclaimed, taking tiny sips off her drink.
Marissa did her best to mingle with the rest of the group, but something about being with more people made her feel more isolated. She did, however, make sure to keep up with the drinks. And the more drinks she consumed, the easier it became to be social.
By the time they made it to the Mansera, the world was wobbling beneath Marissa’s feet. Ellie was leaning hard against her legs, and she realized more than once that she was leaning down to use the shepherd to regain her balance. It was loud and crowded, and everyone else was paying for their drinks. She vaguely remembered seeing Jack and his charming smile; thankfully, he kept his hands to himself.
It felt like no time had passed at all when Marissa was hugging Allison close, standing on the tips of her toes as she squished her best friend. “Fuck, I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m just going to be a ferry ride away,” Allison said with a grin as she pulled back.
“You better call me when you get there.”
“I’ll call, but that hangover is going to be a bitch,” Allison laughed.
Mel took Marissa’s arm and led her toward their ride. “Why do you have my shoes?” Marissa asked Mel when she spotted them in her sister’s hands.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Melanie said with amusement as she got Marissa into the back seat of the car. Ellie jumped in beside her before Mel got in.
Marissa felt like she had just closed her eyes when Mel shook her shoulder and led her out of the car. “Did we get an Uber? Because it’s like a two-minute walk,” Marissa observed, proud that she wasn’t stumbling over her words, as it took effort.
“Walking implies that you wear your shoes,” Melanie said as she pulled Marissa’s house keys from her purse and unlocked Marissa’s door, first letting Ellie in and then leading Marissa in.
“Do you want some food?” Mel offered, attempting to lead her to the kitchen.
“No,” Marissa said quickly. Even in her drunken stupor, she didn’t need Melanie to see how little she actually had in the kitchen. Although, the ice cream in the freezer would be amazing.
“Do you want to go up to bed?”
“Um…” Marissa did not. She wasn’t even sure why she was already home. Wasn’t it too early? “Nah. You wanna stick around and watch some TV with me?”
“No, hon, I need to go home,” Melanie said with a smile, plopping Marissa down on the couch. “But we’ll hang out soon.”
“You’re my favorite sister,” she announced.
“Well, being on the same continent makes that easier.”
If Marissa didn’t know any better, she would have thought the expression that flashed on her sister’s face was sad. “What’s up, buttercup?” She had meant to sound more serious than it came out.
“Nothing,” Mel said with a smile Marissa did not find convincing. “Do you need help getting upstairs?”
“No, I’ll be good right here.” She pulled Mel in for a hug, holding her sister close for a long moment.
“Alright. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay.”
“Okay, little sis. I love you!”
“Love you too, Riss.”
Marissa collapsed on the couch as she heard the door close behind Melanie. She struggled to ignore the feeling of sadness as she stared at her ceiling. She knew if she closed her eyes, dreams would follow, and if she lay there continuing to stare at the ceiling, her mind would wander to places she would rather not go. Fumbling around the couch, she felt around for the remote. She was sure there was something on that would eat up the time until she could pass out.