CHAPTER 10
HAPPINESS IS A STATE OF MIND—RELOCATE THERE!
We’ve all heard that having a positive attitude can have a positive effect on your health. Just some of the articles and books I’ve read claim that an upbeat attitude can help increase healthy cell proliferation, boost the autoimmune system, and halt tumor growth. If only this were true…
The problem with being positive is that it can be a double-edged sword. A patient who believes that a positive attitude has the power over their prognosis might feel pressure to be in a good mood and keep a smile on their face at all times. This isn’t realistic when dealing with cancer. What happens if that patient tries to be positive and their treatment doesn’t go according to plan? They might blame themselves. “In 2010, there was multiple meta analysis of a lot of these studies and most didn’t find a causative relationship between positive thinking and survival,” says Dr. Mindy Greenstein, psycho-oncologist, clinical psychologist, and consultant to the psychiatry department at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Dr. Greenstein is also a breast cancer survivor. “For a while, people were really pushing specific kinds of attitudes on cancer patients and it was just another pressure for them.”
Sadness, guilt, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, hopelessness—these are all very normal emotional reactions when battling cancer. Trying to ignore them will make you feel worse—emotionally and physically. Forcing a positive attitude can actually backfire by creating stress that takes an added toll on the body. Dr. Greenstein says that her mentor, Dr. Jimmie Holland, calls this, “the tyranny of positive thinking.”
So—let’s keep it real. Forget being positive! There are better ways to handle your feelings. We will get to them in a minute… but first, a story.
As most of you know by this point in the book, a year before I was diagnosed with cancer, I had major spinal fusion surgery. During my four-month recovery, I was home on disability and basically had to relearn how to walk. It was the worst time of my life. Until that point, I was a pretty negative person. From the time I was a child, I was sassy and argumentative. By the time I was in my twenties, I was cynical and jaded and always saw the glass as half-empty. This attitude did not work in my favor when I was recovering from back surgery. The natural fear and worry anybody would experience after a major health crisis coupled with a fatalistic attitude sank me into a deep depression that brought me close to committing suicide. Quite honestly, the only thing that prevented me from killing myself was that I was pessimistic about succeeding. Oh, the irony.
So why am I telling you all this? When I was diagnosed with cancer, I vowed that I would approach this health crisis with a different attitude. I knew I had to flip the script if I was going to survive—not just physically, but emotionally. To do that, I decided I was going to retrain my brain. Every time a negative thought crossed my mind, I would shut it down and find the silver lining in the situation. Losing my hair? I get to wear wigs that let me try new hairstyles without commitment! Gaining weight? Now I have an excuse to wear my comfy sweats 24/7! When a bad thought entered my mind, I found a happier or funnier one to chase it away. At first, this required a minute-by-minute presence of mind. And boy, was this work! When I really started paying attention to each of my thoughts, I was shocked by how negative I was. But as I put this practice into action, day by day it became less of an effort and more automatic. My mind would catch itself and switch the thought.
But here’s the thing: I wasn’t trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For me, the trick was to find something beneficial—like a life lesson or a gained perspective. I didn’t force myself to be happy. Many days, I wasn’t. Many days, I mourned for my old life, my old body. But even in those moments, I had a greater awareness, and hence an appreciation, for my life. The life I was still living.
“What’s important is that we all have a trial-and-error system of figuring out what works for us,” says Dr. Greenstein, author of The House on Crash Corner. “Rather than focusing on having a positive attitude, which can be very, very murky, focus on the things that make you feel better. That’s what you need to do more of.”
Translation: Find your happy. Whatever makes you happy—indulge in it and indulge often.
“Everyone knows when your brain is happy; it gives off good stuff like endorphins,” says Hoda Kotb. “Feeling good, feeling happy—and not pretending that you feel good or just saying you’re happy—but really being happy helps your brain give you more of that good stuff that helps you along the way. So much of it is mental. When you feel better and happy on the inside, the rest of it kind of works.”
Dr. Greenstein recalls a story about one of her patients who had a terminal diagnosis. He was hoping to live another five or ten years but refused to stop drinking and smoking. “I said to him one day, ‘You know, you’re still smoking and drinking,’ and he looked at me and said, ‘Listen, I’m dying. You want to take away my candy?’” recalls Dr. Greenstein. “You know what, he had a point. It wasn’t a good thing but he was looking to enjoy whatever time he had left. He did not get his five years but he lived on his terms and enjoyed the time he had, which I think is being positive also.”
So, are we condoning you go out and start boozing and whooping it up? No. Don’t be daft. What we are saying is that life is about living. And you aren’t living life unless you are enjoying it. So, I do advocate going rogue a little if need be. I did—and not just by a little.
Here’s how that went down:
By the time I was in the middle of chemo, I had had a lot of time to contemplate the direction my life was headed. I was unchallenged at work. I was sad and resentful being in a relationship with a man that wouldn’t commit. I didn’t volunteer and had no hobbies to keep me interesting or make me a compassionate person. I wasn’t living the life I wanted to live. I wasn’t becoming the woman I knew I could be. During my reconstruction, one persistent thought sat in the corner of my mind: This is your second chance in life to get it right—make changes now! This thought nagged at me for months. Then, one day as my supervisor started irrationally screaming at me (something she did regularly), I had had enough. After nine years of reliable, loyal, dedicated employment—I quit my job on the spot. A week later, I broke up with my boyfriend. And a week after that, I started writing this book…
My point being, is that going rogue, hopping the rails, switching gears—whatever you want to call it—can actually set you on the right path. The path that was intended for you.
Today, I am a TV beauty producer and am blessed to work with talented people who teach me every day and who value my talents. I found the love of my life, my soul mate. And I pursue my passion projects—you are reading one of them now. Thank you for that!
So, how do you find your happy while battling cancer? As a cancer survivor and psycho-oncologist, Dr. Greenstein knows firsthand. These are her insider tips.
figure out your coping style
“Some of us have a more realism-based way of coping. We need to know all the facts. We need to know what to expect and then we can deal. Some of us have a denial-based way of coping, which is to just say ‘Everything’s going to be fine,’ whether that’s true or not,” says Dr. Greenstein. “None is superior over the others.” So, why does it matter? Knowing what coping method complements your personality can help you handle crises with a greater sense of ease and will give you peace of mind as a result. The main coping styles include:
Task-oriented coping: This technique focuses on targeting the source of the stress and eliminating it or learning how to manage the stress associated with it. Those that cope this way seek advice on how to deal with their stress, have a plan, take action, focus on the positives, and are realistic about the situation.
Emotion-oriented coping: This technique is when a person relies on external strategies—like yoga, meditation, or going to church/temple/mosque to pray—to manage stress. Research shows that emotion-oriented copers have less doubt in their minds and experience less anxiety.
Avoidance-oriented coping: This technique is when a person copes by displacing emotion on others, wishful thinking, drug use, gambling abuse, risky behavior, or ignoring the problem. It is also called maladaptive coping. (tip: Even though Dr. Greenstein says one coping style isn’t better than the others, my advice is don’t use this one.)
get a mantra, then get chanting!
According to research done at Cleveland University, rhythmic tones involved in chanting create a melodious effect in the body called neurolinguistic effect (NLE). When we chant a mantra that has special meaning to us, it creates a psycholinguistic effect (PLE) on the body. The NLE and PLE effects are by-products of the production and spreading of curative chemicals in the brain. The research concludes that this is the reason why chanting provokes curative effects in the mind and body. Here’s how it works:
Each tone vibrates the bones, muscles, and fluids of the chanter. The elongations of vowel sounds are particularly healing to the brain and the body. But even if it’s a phrase you are repeating, it will take on a melodic rhythm that works the same way and offers the same benefits.
Brain waves begin to balance after three or four minutes and the temperature of the muscles and skin rises. (Warmer temps keep the muscles and skin pliable, soft, and in a state that is more conducive to healing.)
Research shows that when the body is in a state of stress, anxiety, depression, or anger, the natural variation in cardiac rhythm becomes weak and erratic. The research also shows that when we repeat mantras, or prayers, we automatically adjust our breath to six or fewer breaths per minute. What’s important (and cool) to note is that this is the exact frequency and natural rhythm of key biological functions including heart rate, blood pressure, and blood flow to the brain. This synchronization of biological rhythms and functions has serious benefits including promoting a healthier immune system, reducing inflammation, regulating blood sugar levels, and lowering blood pressure.
remember to breathe
“Some things are very, very simple and sound silly but remembering to breathe—just slowing down—helps,” says Dr. Greenstein. “One thing that people have found helpful for a range of issues, including cancer, is mindfulness meditation or mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR). There are apps specifically for guided meditations. I use Headspace because I love the voice of the guy who leads the meditations.” Much like chanting, studies prove there are many physical and emotional benefits to meditating. However, the most important benefit is that it helps quiet the mind when your hard drive is in overdrive. A quiet mind is a peaceful mind.
call on your girl gang
“One of the most helpful and necessary factors for coping well in a crisis is having a social support system,” says Dr. Greenstein. “Who makes you feel better? Who helps you feel gratitude and appreciative? Who reminds you of what’s meaningful in your life? Surround yourself with those people.”
I can’t agree more with Dr. Greenstein on this point. I don’t know what I would have done without my Girl Gang when I was sick, with both my back problems and cancer. There was a period of three very dark years, and they were the only things that kept me distracted and sane during that dreadful time. Each one of my friends, in their own unique way, saved me. On days when I couldn’t get up, my sister Moira would hoist me out of bed, into the shower, and dress me. On days when I couldn’t see straight through the stream of tears, Carly and Dana got me to laugh, hysterically. When I went freelance and didn’t have steady income and was stressed to the gills, Leah assigned me story after story, some that included traveling to some pretty dope locations. When I didn’t have the energy for anything but sitting on my couch, Jesse would drive three hours to watch hours of bad TV and carb load on salty chips with me. When I needed to get away, Nicole flew me to California and propped me up by her mom’s pool while my other gal pal Juliette had me over for slumber parties with her baby boys. These women were my guardian angels on earth. I emerge from this battle a warrior only because I had the most loyal, devoted soldiers by my side. I owe them my life and I love them to death.
I recommend you lean on your girl gang as much as I did. Be aware that your friends might not be sure how to help or what to do. Most people get nervous or scared that they will say or do the wrong thing—so they end up doing nothing. It’s not that they don’t want to help. They don’t know how. I encourage you to be vocal. Need a meal delivered or want some company? Tell them! I promise that before you hang up the phone, your doorbell will start ringing.
“E” is for exercise!
I mentioned the importance of exercise in the last chapter but what you might not know is HOW important it is for you, especially now that you have cancer. Extensive research proves that thirty to sixty minutes of medium- to high-intensity exercise done three to five days a week can cut the risk of getting cancer and halt it from reoccurring. A joint study released by Harvard Medical School and Women’s Hospital in 2012 showed that one in ten cancer patients die from lack of physical activity and it is responsible for more than 5.3 million cancer-related deaths globally. The study, which was first published in The Lancet, goes on to state that “physical inactivity has become a contributor to the burden of disease and shortening of life expectancy comparable to smoking tobacco.” What???!!!! That is crazy.
Personally, I hate working out. It’s the last thing I want to do with the five free minutes of personal time that I have. So, I try to make it a fun social activity. I rope my friends and colleagues into attending aerial yoga or spin classes with me. I get my boyfriend, Kenny, and his kids to go on hikes or scenic walks. Anything to mix it up. I still hate it but I do it. Beside the obvious benefits of a smaller waistline, increased energy, and a lower risk of depression/anxiety/stress, exercise also has a dramatic impact on healing your body after surgery—making it heal eight times faster! I don’t know what else you need to hear. So, get your tuckus up, slip on your cutest gym outfit, and get moving!!!
give yourself a break!
Most of us live by deadlines, obligations, and goals. Setting high expectations can be a good thing when it drives us to excel, but in most cases a checklist of objectives just adds unnecessary pressure and stress. It’s a lot to manage. When dealing with cancer, it’s important to wipe the slate clean of anything you don’t need to be doing. Making your life as simple as possible—for the time being—will allow you to focus on getting healthy. “One of the most important things to do—and it’s amazing how hard this is for many people—is give yourself a break,” says Dr. Greenstein. “Cut yourself some slack.”
When I was diagnosed, my job as a beauty director required me to do a lot of business dinners with beauty brands, PR people, and experts. It was my job to discuss how we could partner together to promote their projects and increase the magazine’s revenue streams. These dinners would extend my workday and keep me out very late. When I got sick, I felt the need to continue doing all aspects of my job to keep up the status quo. My bosses didn’t make me feel this way. It was my own self-imposed pressure to keep things “normal.”
But as my chemo treatments revved up, I had to face the fact that things weren’t normal. I didn’t have the energy I once did and I needed to preserve what was left to help my body heal. After a lot of internal dialogue, I blocked out my calendar so nothing could be scheduled after work hours. I was anxious about this at first, but by prioritizing my health, the things that really mattered in my life quickly came into perspective. Sometimes, you need to step back, step away, to see the full picture. “I often hear patients say, ‘I’m not doing it right. I should be more active. I should be more this or more that. I should be better,’” says Dr. Greenstein. “There is no right way to cope or deal with cancer. Adding that pressure is only putting hurt on top of hurt. You gotta let it go. Do what feels right for you. Do what makes you feel better.”
This doesn’t mean you should drop all your responsibilities like they were hot potatoes. If it’s your day to pick up the kids—then pick up the kids! And if you are the type of person who needs a healthy distraction to stay sane and you still have the energy, then, by all means, keep busy! But it’s important to recognize when things aren’t working for you and to give yourself permission to say “no” to them. If doing the food shopping is one chore too many, recruit a friend to help out. I began ordering from Fresh Direct so that I had one less chore to do each week. If your volunteer gig is draining you of energy, tell them you’re taking a temporary hiatus and you’ll see them again in a few months. Unless it is an obligation that means life or death—and there are very few of these—then it can be rescheduled, reassigned, or removed from your checklist. When something makes you feel burdened, stressed, or overwhelmed, then it’s time to say “no.” And when you do—it’s important to not beat yourself up about it. Be selfish—this is the one time it will serve you well.
while you’re alive—live!
Dr. Greenstein touched upon this tip with the story of her patient who kept smoking and drinking until he passed away but I’d like to expand on this thought a little more.
If there’s an upside to cancer, it’s that most people will be empathetic, loving, and supportive when you are sick. Even your judgiest friends and harshest critics will rein it in and ease up on you. (The ones who don’t are the ones you should reevaluate your friendship with.) I noticed this immediately. Coworkers, friends, family—they all stopped questioning me, got out of my way, and let me do what I wanted to do. Rarely in our adult lives do we get this sort of freedom. When you are sick with cancer most people are willing to give you a reprieve, a “time-out,” so to speak. This can be physical, mental, or if you’re really lucky, both. My advice is, use this moment to your benefit. I used it as my “Get Out of Jail Free” card—an opportunity for a do-over at my life. I figured it was my second chance at life, so why waste it? I didn’t like where my life was headed so I used this time to “press the brake and pivot.” I quit my job, broke up with my long-term boyfriend, and started to approach life in a totally different way—one that helped me channel the best version of myself.
“That’s the thing about cancer—everything sorta snaps into focus,” says Hoda. “The BS falls by the wayside and you zero in on the top ten things that really mean something to you, things you really care about. They weren’t the same as the day before your diagnosis. But if there is an upside to all this, it’s that we get to reevaluate our lives, and that’s a good thing.”
Make no mistake—you define your life. The choices you make are your choices. Not making a choice is even a choice. The great news is—there are no wrong choices. Every choice you have made in the past, you made because it was the best choice for you at the time. This is a powerful, powerful fact. And it’s a reason why you shouldn’t have regrets in life. Oprah talks about this all the time on Super Soul Sunday.
Many of us—most, actually—don’t know our own power. We come up with a million reasons why the choices are out of our control and how we are powerless to change our circumstances. But the fact is, you have power over most things in your life. You may not feel like you do, but you do.
The question is: Now that you have a second chance at life—what are you going to do differently? How are you going to emerge from this cancer journey a stronger, smarter, more grateful person?
“A lot of people don’t have the luxury of today,” says Sandra Lee, Emmy-winning lifestyle expert and DCIS breast cancer survivor. “Today might not be my best day. It might downright suck, but it’s a day that I get and I don’t take it for granted. Now, every single day, I ask myself, ‘What did I do today worth giving my life for?’ That’s how I decide the work I am going to do, the friends I want around me and who I want to be.”
I feel like my life is actually better after cancer. I say this all the time, “Cancer almost killed me but it really saved my life.” Facing a major health crisis is life-altering because it gives you the opportunity to gain a different perspective. It made me reevaluate everything and I’m a happier person today because of it. Below are the eight rules I live by now that help me hold on to my happiness. They don’t require money but they will make your life rich.