Turned out by home he meant Margot’s house. I don’t know what kind of explanation he gave her, but she and Holly both left us alone while he sat me down on the edge of Margot’s bathtub and pressed an ice pack to my nose. I watched my blood drip down on the white tile and pretended I didn’t hear his unspoken questions.
When my nose was good and numb, Father Keller left for a few minutes. He came back with a mug of something brown and sludgy. “We need you sober,” said Father Keller. “And if the smell of you is any indication of how much you’ve had to drink, the hangover coming your way will hit harder than whoever broke your nose. This will help with both.”
The concoction smelled like vinegar and rotten eggs. It tasted worse. But a few minutes later, my head felt a little clearer. The next time I looked up at Father Keller, there was only one of him.
Father Keller sat next to me in the lip of the tub. His argyle sweater was streaked with my blood. “What happened?” he asked. His voice was too gentle. No one uses a voice like that unless they already know the diagnosis is terminal.
I wanted to tell him everything. Give him my confession, like I had said. But then I’d have to go on feeling helpless. Father Keller would give me an I’m-sorry and another wise talk about how sometimes there’s nothing you can do but let life beat you senseless. You and everyone who’s counting on you.
Screw that.
There was a hot coal of anger burning in my belly. Or maybe it was just the whiskey. Either way, I thought I’d rather feel that way than helpless. It wasn’t the liquid power of hate, but it wasn’t despair either, and that was something. Probably the best I was going to get.
I got up. The new bruises were easy to ignore. Must have been I was getting used to getting beat up. As I headed for the door, Father Keller might have said something to me. Probably told me to stay put and answer his question—in nicer words than that, of course. I didn’t listen.
Holly and Margot were still awake. I guess it made sense—I wouldn’t have been able to sleep with one of the Fallen after me, either. They were sitting on the divan together, Holly with a mug of something clutched between her hands, Margot looking at her like she was a puppy the shelter was going to have to put down. When I walked in, they both looked up with surprise on their faces, like they didn’t already know Father Keller’d had to drag me home, stinking drunk and with a broken nose.
I stopped in front of Holly. I leaned in so she could get a good long look at what I’d gone through for her. “You lied to me.”
Holly pressed herself against the back of the divan. Like I was the thing she needed to be afraid of. “I… I don’t know what…”
“There was no boyfriend. You made that deal yourself.” As she opened her mouth, I held up a hand to stop her. “Try to deny it, and I’ll throw you out on your ass right now. I’m done being manipulated.”
“Nic,” Father Keller said quietly from behind me. His hand came down on my good shoulder.
Margot patted the seat next to her. “Sit down, Nic,” she said in a voice that told me she was used to being obeyed. “Tell us the story from the beginning. Then we’ll talk it through together.”
She’d never used that voice on me before. It made me want to march right out the front door and not look back. Let them deal with Holly themselves if they were so willing to forgive what she’d done. But it wasn’t like I had anywhere to go. Nowhere but my empty office, where I could sit in a dark room and stare at my empty whiskey bottle and hope I could do something to help the next person who walked through the door.
“I met the demon you made the deal with,” I said to Holly. “I read the contract. No loopholes there. When it comes to contracts, demons are the best in the business. The best lawyer in the world has nothing on them. Vekaniel could ask you for anything she wants, and you’ve got no choice but to give it to her.”
“I’m sorry,” Holly whispered. “I knew you’d make me leave if you knew the truth, and you were the only chance I had. You said you wouldn’t help me if I was the one who made the deal.”
“I said I couldn’t help you,” I corrected. “I wasn’t your last chance. You never had a chance to begin with.”
“And what else was I supposed to do?” She was still looking at me like I was a rabid dog, but a little of that ferocity I’d seen in her before flashed in her eyes. “Lie down and wait to die? I saw a chance to save my life. I took it.”
“You made me think I could save you!” I roared.
And just like that, the anger in my belly went cold. All I had left was the hollow feeling I’d been carrying around since I had poured all my power into Michael’s sword for that final strike. I’d spent the past five years trying to fill that emptiness by solving mundane problems and righting piddling wrongs. All so I wouldn’t have to admit that I’d given everything and it hadn’t been enough.
“You pissed off a powerful demon pretty good, if that’s any consolation,” I said. “Turns out she was behind the same operation you used her power to fight. Kind of poetic, really. Also a lesson to her not to leave the important jobs to someone else.” I swayed on my feet. I was still drunker than I thought.
Holly didn’t seem to appreciate the irony. Her face went pale. “There was a demon behind the whole thing?”
I probably shouldn’t have let that part slip. I blamed the alcohol still sloshing around in my veins.
“And I made a deal with her.” Her white hands clenched around the mug. “Is she still out there? Still taking kids?”
It would have been kinder to lie to her. But I had a priest standing behind me, and the whiskey had loosened my lips. “You slowed her down. Like I said, she’s royally pissed at you.”
“But I didn’t stop her.” She looked like she was going to cry. As if I hadn’t gotten punched in the gut enough today. “It was all for nothing.”
Margot took Holly’s mug and stood. “Let me get you another cup of tea.”
“Tea isn’t going to save those kids.” She looked at me. “What is she doing with them?”
“That answer isn’t going to make you feel any better.”
She shoved herself up from the divan. The fierce spark in her eyes grew to a blaze. “What does a demon want with my kids?”
“She’s got a bunch of demons who want out of Hell,” I said reluctantly. “She’s giving them the kids’ bodies as hosts and sending them off with new identities to live out their lives as humans. She thought no one would miss them. Guess she wasn’t counting on you.”
I tried for a smile. My lips wouldn’t cooperate. Who was I kidding? Father Keller was wrong—no amount of nice words would make this bitter pill go down easier for her.
She took a breath. And another. Her hands loosened. Her face relaxed. Hurt and anger hardened into something else—a fierce, almost joyful resignation. It was a bizarre thing to see.
“I came to you thinking you could save my life,” she said. “But you can’t. And that’s okay. I always knew it was a long shot. I knew what I was getting into when I made that deal. I did it because stopping them was worth it, even if I couldn’t get out of paying the cost in the end.”
But she hadn’t stopped them, and now she was going to pay the cost anyway. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “I’m not saying it wasn’t worth it. I’m saying it still can be. You can’t save me, but you can save them.”
“I wish I could.”
“No. Don’t tell me you won’t do this. I was the only one willing to stop them, and I bet they’re being more careful now. When I’m gone, no one is going to care about helping those kids. And if they do, they won’t know what they’re facing, let alone have what it takes to go up against a demon and win.” Her blazing eyes bored into mine with an intensity that was hard to look at. “But you do.”
“It’s no different than when we were talking about you. I’m not saying I won’t. I’m saying I can’t.”
“It’s not the same. Those kids didn’t sign any contract.”
“They may as well have, for all I can do to save them. You think I wouldn’t if I thought I had any chance?”
“You talked to this demon and walked away.”
“Because she let me go!” I swallowed down the memory of Vek offering me my own life like she was tossing me a scrap from the table.
“You can make sure it wasn’t for nothing.” Her searing eyes had a wet sheen. “Please.”
“Sorry to tell you, but it was for nothing,” I said. Father Keller’s hand tightened on my shoulder. I ignored him. “I wish I could change that. I can’t. You wanted justice for those kids. Wanted it badly enough to sacrifice everything. I get it. But sometimes you sacrifice everything and it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. The truth is, no matter what we do, there’s no justice in this world. Probably never will be.”
Holly slapped me across the face.
The impact jarred my broken nose enough to make the blood start flowing again. I blinked at her dumbly as a warm wet trickle ran down my lip.
“You’re going to stand there and feel sorry for yourself?” she demanded, hands on her hips. “You? What have you done that’s so hard except tell me all the things you can’t do? I’m a fourth-grade teacher. I don’t know the first thing about criminal conspiracies, let alone dark magic. But I didn’t go home with my head low and pout about how powerless I was. I gave up my job and my reputation to stop these people, and when that didn’t work, I made a deal with a demon. You think that came easily to me? I used to teach Sunday school! But I did it, because if my soul was what it took to make this right, then that was what it would take.
“You swing around a magical sword. You talk to demons. You have the kind of power the rest of us can only dream of, and what are you doing with it? Whining worse than one of my fourth-graders, that’s what.”
“You’re wrong,” I said through the blood in my throat. “I don’t have any more power than you do. I just know a few things.”
“All right, so maybe this demon is too strong for you. You still have a better chance than the rest of us. How dare you throw that away?”
“You have no right to tell me what to do.” My quiet voice echoed through the room like a low roll of thunder. I stretched myself to my full height. Holly took a step back.
Then I sagged. My voice lost its strength. “I fought my war. I made my sacrifice. I’m done.” I sounded like I was about a hundred years old. I felt it, too. “All I want is to find a little peace, and do some good in the world for once in my life. I want a chance to fight battles I can actually win. You don’t have the right to send me into another impossible fight. No one does.”
Margot listened with a curious frown between her brows. Her piercing eyes watched me more closely than I was comfortable with. I still didn’t know how much of my past she had pieced together. Probably didn’t want to know.
“If you really felt that way,” said Holly, “you would have kicked me out the night I showed up on your doorstep, the way you threatened to. And when you found out what I was up against, and told me there was nothing you could do, you wouldn’t have changed your mind just because I decided I was going to die on my own terms. You would have told me to get out and stay out.”
“I’m telling you now.” I couldn’t look at her. “Go. There’s nothing more we can do for you.”
Father Keller stepped up from behind me. “You don’t have to go, Holly.”
“Then I will,” I said. “But I’m not having this argument anymore. You keep telling me I need to walk away from the supernatural world, Father. Well, this is me walking away.”
“You want to be done? Fine.” The hard contempt on Holly’s face was worse than her pain. “You said you know a few things. So tell me what you know, and I’ll solve this myself. I’ve still got a little time before the demon tracks me down, right?”
In that moment, I had a hard time believing she was only human. She blazed with power. Not the divine fire that used to burn under my skin. Something stronger than that. She shone with conviction, so bright I could almost see her skin glowing with it. Her faith lit her up like she was the sun and the rest of us were just caught in her orbit.
Faith in what, I didn’t know. Not God, or she wouldn’t have gone looking to demons for a solution. Faith in herself, maybe. Or in the happy ending I couldn’t make myself believe in anymore.
Whatever it was she believed in, I finally understood what Margot had been trying to tell me all this time. Faith had power. Faith was power.
Still didn’t do me one bit of good. Seeing it in Holly didn’t change the fact that I didn’t have any of my own.
The part that hurt the most, though, was that looking at her sparked some kind of memory, something deep below where my conscious mind could reach. I had felt like that once. Before I got this tired and beaten down. Before I understood how powerless I was.
When, though? Not back when I was a guardian angel. If anything will beat the faith out of you, that job will.
I followed the thread of memory back… and saw myself standing on a bloodstained street of gold, hands burning from clutching Michael’s flaming sword.
Holly looked the way I had felt that day. She blazed with life and power and righteous fury. But it had been hate fueling me that day. And Holly had no hate in her.
Had it been hate that drove me through the gates of Heaven and to the feet of the divine throne? Had it been hate I poured into the sword along with my divine fire?
Of course it had. What else could I have felt, facing down the one who had forced me to commit countless atrocities?
But I looked at Holly. And I called up the memory one more time.
For the first time since I had woken up naked in that alley, I felt an electric surge of power run through my body.
It wasn’t divine fire. It wasn’t the dark flame of hate, either. It was regular old human faith.
Looked like I owed Margot an apology. Despite how sure I’d been that I had no faith in me, despite how hard I’d tried to smother it before it could rise to the surface, the truth was I believed in something after all.
I’d killed God for it. And now I was going to go up against my oldest friend for it.
Because along with that white-hot burst of faith, an idea had hit me. It came fully formed, like a bolt of divine inspiration, if there had been any such thing. I knew what to do, the way Holly had known something wasn’t right about what was happening to those kids. The way Sullivan knew I’d had something to do with Kevin Fisher’s disappearance even though there was no evidence to tie me to him.
“There’s something I have to do,” I told Holly. “Whichever way it goes, I’ll be done before Margot’s magic runs out. But before I go, you and I need to have a talk.”
Holly looked bewildered, and no wonder. “I thought you wanted me to go.”
“Yeah, well, you can gloat later. Right now, none of us have time to waste.”
Father Keller looked more worried than happy. That wasn’t much of a surprise either. He didn’t want me kicking Holly out, but that didn’t mean he was on board with me going out to do battle with the Fallen.
I’d sit him down for a long talk later. If I survived.
As for Margot, she shot me a private smile.
“Then… you’ll help?” Holly sounded like she wasn’t ready to let herself believe it just yet. I didn’t blame her.
“I’ll do what I can,” I told her. “I can’t promise anything. And your contract… there’s nothing I can do about that. No matter what happens in the next few hours, you’ll have to pay a price.”
“But the kids will be safe?”
“As safe as any human ever is.”
“Then do it,” said Holly. “I’ll pay whatever it takes.”
“I hope you still think so once you hear what I have to say.” I took her arm and led her down the hallway. “We should talk in private.”