Witches Be Crazy

The hall was filled with stunned silence once more in the wake of Lady Dubya’s power play. Even Dungar found himself shocked by just how little concern she had for the welfare of everyone in her life. Putting three people to death didn’t faze her in the slightest. In fact, the look on her face implied a level of macabre enjoyment.

Rose, by contrast, now wore a look of unbridled despair. She had gone limp in the arms of the guards as she shot pleading looks at anyone who could bring themselves to make eye contact with her. She then turned to the other prisoner.

The blonde guard just stared at the ground solemnly. “You know I cannot harm the innocent, Rose.” She reminded her soberly.

“Rosie, you know I’d do anything to protect you. I love you more than anything in this world. But I cannot break my vows to Suola!”

“Bibi, my darling perhaps maybe you should perchance—” Jimminy attempted to reason with her.

“GO GET ME MORE FOOD, JIMMY!” The dictator screamed, dumping the remnants of the platter into her lap then handing it to Jimminy.

As he stared down at the dish, Jimminy’s hands began to shake. First they shook in small vibrations, then in full blown tremors as he looked up at his beloved with a quivering lower lip. Then, without warning, he hurled the empty silver platter at the ceiling hard enough that it punched a hole clean through.

It was difficult to tell who between Dungar and Bibi was more shocked by Jimminy’s sudden growth of a spine. But after her brief stint of shock, Bibi huffed loudly and motioned for the guards to take him away as well.

“Don’t even bother!” Jimminy snapped at the approaching women. “I’ll throw meself into the pit!”

Without so much as a pause to reconsider, he marched right over to the pit where Dungar and the women stood, gave a slight bow, and hopped into it. The moment the thud of his feet against the ground was heard he began screaming.

Immediately his hands reappeared above the pit as he hastily tried to climb out. Screams erupted from the audience as some covered their eyes while others craned their necks for a better look. One of the guards ran over to stomp his hands and prevent his escape. However, before she could reach him a spider dropped out of the hole and the ceiling and landed on her face. She froze immediately and the screams began.

She began running around flailing her arms wildly while the audience struggled to decide which commotion was preferable to watch. Taking action, another guard ran up and slapped the first right across the face where the spider crawled.

“Hey!” The first guard screeched. “I just had my makeup professionally done this morning!” She then slapped her slapper. Her slapper did not take kindly to this and gave her a shove backwards whilst shouting at her.

“Then get a hold of yourself and bloody well do your job! It’s just a spider for god sakes.”

The moment she uttered the words, a virtual waterfall of tiny black spiders came pouring out of the hole in the ceiling and quickly began filling the room. The guard was thoroughly covered with them within a matter of seconds, and immediately fainted.

No coherent words or sounds could have been heard over the terrified wails that ensued. Women abandoned the bleachers and guards abandoned their posts faster than they would have if the building was engulfed in flames. No longer held at sword point, the four prisoners took the opportunity to make their escape as well, slipping out a back door. Once they were outside, though, Jimminy stopped them.

“I can’t let her die, mate! Sure she’s not a nice lady, but she doesn’t deserve to die if those spiders are poisonous!”

Dungar had no response because he couldn’t immediately decide if he agreed with that or not.

Stopping their bickering, the two men looked at Rose who was standing with her hands behind her back and a guilty look on her face.

“I …” Rose began with a grimace. “May have read a book about spiders then started secretly breeding them in the attic of the town hall so I could kill them for the bounty?” Her voice trailed off as she looked out at the growing carpet of black insects that was making its way through the town. “… And it may have gotten just a little out of hand.”

“Hah!” Dungar laughed while Jimminy and Gilly both looked at her incredulously.

Immediately Jimminy bolted back into the hall, forcing Dungar to begrudgingly follow. The interior was still crawling with spiders, many continued to spill from the hole in the ceiling as well. Their bloated would-be executor had not moved from her throne. Spiders were crawling all over her, making her spasm and flail, but she continued trying to inhale the remaining food in her lap. Her strongest instinct was neither fight nor flight, but rather consume.

“Bibi we need to get out of here!” Jimminy insisted, pulling at her greasy arms.

Disregarding his animosity momentarily, Dungar joined in the hoisting efforts as well, but even with his added might, the large slimy creature could not be budged. Her limbs continued to flail increasingly violently, and her words were no longer coherent, just a medley of screams and syllables. Then, out of nowhere, she lost all consciousness. Her screams fell silent, her flailing limbs went limp, and her grinding jaws halted.

“Oh blimey, mista Dungar, she’s unconscious! We’re going to have to carry her out!”

“No no, she’s just unconscious! Quickly now, if we find a doctor then she’ll be okay!”

“I don’t know. Look, we should probably get out of here before she explodes.”

An ominous rumbling sound then came from within the deceased woman’s bulky burning body.

Nodding, Dungar led the defeated Jimminy out of the burning spider-infested building to where Rose and Gilly still stood.

Before the blacksmith could respond, an explosion blew a gaping hole in the side of the building and the air became filled with the sickening stench of burning fat. Dungar and Gilly both grimaced, Rose immediately vomited, and Jimminy breathed the air deeply, basking in the final putrescent odor his lost love would bestow upon the world.

They all stood in silence for a few moments, allowing the surprising turn of events to sink in. Jimminy mourned Bibi in silence, Dungar debated internally how long to give him, and Rose and Gilly tearfully hugged one another, thankful to be alive. As usual, Jimminy was the first to break the silence.

The blacksmith responded by punching him square in the face. Gilly and Rose both gasped as Jimminy’s limp body fell over.

“He said this detour wouldn’t involve us almost getting killed.” Dungar explained nonchalantly as he picked up his friend’s limp body and tossed it over his shoulder. “Well ladies, I’d say it was a pleasure … but it wasn’t. Good luck with your pest control.”

“Something dangerous, illegal, and I probably shouldn’t even have told you anything.”

“Are you crazy?” Gilly reprimanded her. “You don’t even know this man, and he just told you it’s dangerous. Absolutely not, Rose. Your place is here.”

“What do you mean my place is here? Gilly, I’ve spent my whole life here. Every day I read stories about adventures and quests and the wonders that await me out in the world. Now I finally have a chance to have an adventure of my own.” She stared at Gilly pleadingly. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

“I can only spend so long whiling away my time in a library.” Rose continued, ignoring him. “I want to do something with my life. I don’t want to just know about the world, I want to experience it! A life spent in safety is a life devoid of fulfilment, that’s what Thathery always said.”

Raising a finger to silence the blacksmith, Gilly continued. “If you are to tread into danger, then I shall accompany you. I could never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.”

As she ran off, Gilly turned to Dungar. “I do not wish to infringe upon your quest, but I thank you for allowing us to accompany you.”

“Look.” Dungar stated firmly, dropping Jimminy to the ground. “If she wants to go out into the world on a quest then that is her business. But if you fear danger then you should not be coming with us.”

“If we are to encounter danger then I assure you that I am more than equipped to deal with it.”

“I have not ever dealt with men before.” Gilly informed him. “But I am familiar with your penchant for bravado. I am not sure how little you think of me as combatant, but I promise you that anything you can handle I will be able to as well.”

“And what if I told you that I don’t know if I will be able to handle this?”

She paused for a moment, considering his response. Apparently she was not expecting any level of humility.

“Because someone has to.” He grunted, picking up Jimminy again. “Give my regards to Rose. And if you love her, then you will not come with us.”

Gilly had no response as he walked away carrying Jimminy. It was much easier to simply decline their help rather than attempt to convince them to kill the most powerful woman in all the land. The fact that they had come from a town comprised solely of women and had been propagated to distrust men would only serve to impede further.

As he reached the town gates he breathed a sigh of relief and continued his trek north. They were so close now. He couldn’t see the capital yet, but he knew enough to continue heading north. Given the sun’s spot in the sky, he only had about an hour of travel time before it would be dark. That would be ample time to put some distance between them and the town before setting up camp.

Walking in silence like this was quite comforting. He found himself wondering why he didn’t think to knock Jimminy out more often. He was slightly cumbersome to carry, but it was a fair trade off. In light of recent events, Dungar had to admit his growing attachment to the man. He had gone from having one friend who couldn’t speak to having one friend who spoke far too often, and it was slightly more bearable than he would have figured. Still, silence was nice, especially when it didn’t involve coping with death. All was well for now.

As the sun began to slump and the flowery fields became bathed in the warm glow of twilight, Dungar began to wonder what the queen was like. He had heard tales of her beauty so larger than life that it seemed almost impossible she could live up to expectations. But any talk regarding her personality was all but non-existent. It seemed unlikely she would be boisterous and insufferable like Bibi given her reputation for reclusiveness. He imagined her more like a femme fatale, coolly stalking her prey and ensnaring them with her charms. But none of that explained how or why she kills. He had a bad feeling that somehow magic was involved, especially if Sir Lee was to be believed.

The sun had now almost vanished beneath the cover of the horizon and Jimminy was finally starting to feel a little bit heavy, so Dungar decided to set camp for the night. The temperature was perfect as the faint Star Field windsong could be heard whistling around him. Trees weren’t exactly numerous in these parts, but they were populous enough for him to steal a few branches here and there to get a fire going. He laid Jimminy in a particularly fluffy looking patch of grass as he produced Nobeard’s flint from his pocket and arranged a rock formation for a campfire. It had been a long and quite unsettling day, and he was so happy to be at rest that he drifted off to sleep almost immediately.

Dungar sat bolt upright. He had slept clear through the night and well into the morning given how high the sun was. But the sun wasn’t the only thing above him. The perky grin of Rose also loomed overhead.

“Morning! Just so you know I don’t actually have eggs or bacon.” She informed him. “I just like saying that. Oh! I do have some bread though. Here!” Without waiting for a response, she shoved half a loaf of bread into the face of the groggy blacksmith, who quickly swatted it away as he tried to grasp the situation.

“Morning, mate!” Jimminy called to him as he sat next to Gilly at the fire. “You didn’t tell me you invited the ladies. Look at you being all social! I’m proud of ya.”

Still drowsy from his sudden awakening, and acclimating to the situation, Dungar just pointed at Gilly and grunted.

Nodding, Gilly set her bread aside and excused herself from the campfire as the blacksmith hauled himself to his feet. He didn’t even know what he was going to say to her as they made their way behind a nearby outcrop. Casually, he leaned against the rocks while his new companion maintained her perfect posture with hands behind her back. They spent a moment simply looking at each other before Dungar finally spoke.

“Fair enough.” Gilly agreed. “After discussing what you said with Rose, we came to the conclusion that you would not be risking your life without confidence in your abilities on an endeavor unless the circumstances were dire. Therefore, I felt honor bound to provide you with my assistance.”

“Ah c’mon, mate.” Jimminy’s voice called out from the other side of the rock. “More the merrier!”

Dungar put his face in his palm, defeated. “Fine.” He relented, throwing his hands in the air. “You want to come that bad? Come then.”

The blacksmith glowered at Jimminy as he too emerged from behind the boulder, cheeky grin firmly in place.

Without waiting for them, he set off in Jenair’s general direction. He knew they would have no trouble catching up, so his early departure left him a few moments to grumble in peace. Sure enough, before he had made it too far the trio were hot on his heels.

Gilly, in addition to the armor and sword she wore, carried several skins of water as well as a large pouch containing various breads and produce. Rose, on the other hand, had bogged herself down with several bags all filled with books and clothes. She resembled a pack mule the way she had herself all laced up. However, her bogged down body bore no infringement upon her spirit as she was clearly elated to finally be under way. Sharing her spirit, Jimminy was once again compelled to burst into song.

Way hey and away we go

To the castle to vanquish our foe

Now we got two ladies in tow

Way hey and away we go.

EVERYBODY!

Up until this point in the adventure, all of Jimminy’s breaks into song would end at that. He would belt out his piece and be done with it. But not on this day. Rose’s eyes lit up after the first verse, and by the time it was over she was completely captivated.

“’Tis to the tune of our old marching song from the foreign legion.” Jimminy proudly informed her. “We always used to make up lyrics. But no one was better than me!”

At that, they began singing it together repeatedly and enthusiastically, swaying to the rhythm as the marched confidently out of the Star Field and into a thicket.

“Sing with us, Gilly!” Rose called out amid laughs as she grabbed the woman’s hands and began dancing in a circle with her. Although she did not sing, the innocent smile on the former guard’s face marked her reluctant playful enjoyment.

The mirth began to die down as the group entered the thicket and treaded onto the marked path to Jenair. The bright rays of sunlight shining from above grew dim as they became eclipsed behind the leafy canopy. The dirt path was well travel worn and packed down hard by the soles of a hundred thousand boots.

Dungar hoped the city wasn’t too much farther away. The day’s trip had been short thus far, but already his patience was beginning to wear thin. Fortunately, the rest of the party was all but oblivious to his souring state of mind.

“Well are you two … Er, well, y’know …” He stammered, moving his hands in the air as he struggled to come up with words or gestures.

“YES!” He exclaimed quickly. “Yes, sisters! Yup, that is exactly the word I was looking for. I like words. Don’t you like words, mista Dungar?”

“Shh!” Gilly interjected, motioning for the group to stop. “There’s something here.”

Everyone came to a halt and peered cautiously at their surroundings. Gilly moved Rose behind her into the center of the group as she felt at her sword while Dungar just glared at both sides of the trail with fists clenched just begging for something to try his patience. Several paces ahead of them, four figures stood up from their bushy cover and strutted onto the path. They were identically dressed in hooded green tunics that blended perfectly with their surroundings.

“Those are quite the senses you’ve got yourself, blondie!” One of them called has he removed his hood. He was a handsome man, a little bit older than Dungar, with short black hair and a winning smile vaguely reminiscent of Rainchild’s.

“HEY! THAT’S OUR WORD!” The man screamed back, causing everyone to jump. All eyes wide and staring at him, he quickly cleared his throat and the sly smile appeared again.

“Alright so here’s how this works! You relinquish all of your worldly goods to yours truly and in return I will refrain from shivving you in the nether regions with this here pointy object!” He pulled out a small knife and held it up for them to see. “That’s right folks, this is a stick up!”

He sauntered over to the group, one hand open to receive goods while the other brandished the knife rather half-heartedly. Gilly was the first he approached, and she looked him up and down with a raised eyebrow.

“C’mon there, pretty eyes.” He smooth talked her whilst raising the knife to her neck. “Anything you donate goes to the poor.”

She continued to meet his gaze unflinchingly for a few more moments before shrugging and handing him her bags. Rose followed suit with hers as well while Jimminy removed the rock from his pants and handed it over. The man looked at it confusedly before looking back up at Jimminy.

Between Jimminy’s stained and ripped clothing and a funk that was now beginning to emanate from him, it wasn’t a difficult claim to believe. So the man tossed the rock into one of the bags and moved on to Dungar.

Very calmly, the blacksmith reached up and grabbed the hand that held the knife to him. The bandit’s eyes immediately went wide as he listened to the sound of his fracturing carpals. Dungar then used his other hand to grab all the bags before driving his knee into his robber’s stomach hard enough to lift him off the ground.

“I’m poor too.” He growled flippantly at the mugger who was now wheezing in the fetal position.

At the sight of their fallen comrade, the other three bandits removed their hoods and cracked their knuckles.

“You want these!?!” Dungar yelled to them as he threw the bags to the ground and put up his fists. “Then come and get em!!!”

Surprisingly, the three highwaymen actually did charge at him. Secretly pleased to have willing individuals on whom to work out his frustration, Dungar rushed the trio and simultaneously tackled all three of them. It quickly devolved into a flail fest wherein all participants would blindly swing their fists, hoping to connect with something. Outnumbered but not outmatched, Dungar shrugged off all their paltry blows as he tirelessly continued to lay into the three of them, even grabbing and throwing one.

During all the fighting, Jimminy and Gilly took to picking up all their belongings and then carefully helping Rose lace her cargo up again. Afterwards, Gilly offered them each some rations to munch on as they casually watched the unfolding violence, none of them feeling an inclination to jump in.

Eventually, with a busted lip and several new tears in his clothes, Dungar was the last fighter still on his feet. Two of the bandits lay in crumpled heaps on the ground while the other had been put into a tree at some point. Feeling better but still a bit agitated, Dungar looked back at his allies who stood in the same spot. Rose and Jimminy both wore big grins as they clapped a polite applause while Gilly studied Dungar curiously with her arms folded and head cocked to the side.

“You’re welcome.” He redundantly grunted at the group before they resumed making their way down the path.

Dungar gave her a strange look, hoping she was kidding. Her facial expression indicated otherwise.

“Well I didn’t feel like surrendering my stuff. I like my stuff. He would have put me down for it, and if I am going to go down then I will go down fighting.”

“An honorable notion, perhaps. But does one retain their valor if they go down fighting a fight that need not be fought?”

Dungar had no response to that. Fortunately, they had now emerged from the thicket and onto the manicured rolling green hills of the plains of Jenair. They could see the city now. The tall stone spires of the castle, the firm ivy-covered walls, and the ominous looking plume of black smoke that appeared to be billowing from within.