April 9, 1554

Tonight I stand in front of my mirror half naked. The skin on my midriff is blotchy and red with the imprints from the jewelled bodice in which I posed again today. Clouet tells me that once he has the bodice painted I can exchange the dress for something more comfortable. I am perhaps growing accustomed to the weight and the press of this dress. Or perhaps it is that I am mightily distracted by our conversations. I think constantly of this Queen Mary, my cousin. They do indeed call her Bloody Mary. How terrible to be written down in the pages of history with such a name. And when I do not think of her, I think of the imprisoned Princess Elizabeth. Clouet says she is quite beautiful and greatly resembles me with her red hair. Am I prettier? I dare not ask, for that would make me seem vain. But how does this beautiful princess pass her days? She is nearly ten years older than I am, yet I feel a bond. How I would like to meet her someday. I said in the session this morning to Clouet, for I was idly dreaming as he painted me, that perhaps I will write her a letter since we are cousins. I was startled from my dreams by the clatter of a paintbrush. Yes, Clouet dropped his paintbrush to the floor. His eyes opened wide with terror. “Your Majesty, that would be most unwise. Supposing word came of this to Queen Mary? She would immediately suspect a plot against her.”

Of course he is right. How could I be so ignorant? How could I make such a blunder? With the stroke of my pen I could upset the delicate relationship between France and England. I could jeopardize my mother in Scotland. I could jeopardize all my Scots subjects. I am mortified by my own stupidity. My eyes welled with tears. The posing session was halted and I was excused. Now I stand here bare in my stupidity before my mirror, the impression of the jewelled bodice still upon my skin. Will I ever truly be fit to be the Queen I have already been crowned? I must temper my feelings, hold my tongue, and be less impulsive and more considered in my thoughts. I must grow up. I resolve to do this.