Me: Great game last night!
Me: You were on fire!
Me: Bean’s the size of a lemon.
Me: Here’s the ultrasound. (Image included)
I send River the picture of this morning’s ultrasound. Since he’s in Tampa, he wasn’t able to attend the appointment with me. To be honest, I don’t know if he would have showed anyway. It’s been four days since our argument and other than checking in that I’m safe and feeling okay, he hasn’t spoken to me at all. Still, I persist, messaging him, sending him paint samples for Bean’s nursery, and leaving a slew of voice notes apologizing for not being honest with him.
“How’s it going?” Jasmine asks as I stare at my phone screen, willing a message from River to appear.
I toss down the phone. “It’s going.”
Jas sighs and sits down in the chair next to mine. “You can tell me what you’re thinking, bestie.”
I bite my bottom lip. The familiar sting of tears gathers behind my face. I roll my eyes. “I’m so damn tired of feeling like a sap all the time. I’m giving myself emotional whiplash,” I admit.
“It’s—”
“The hormones. I know.”
Jas’s grin is sheepish. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. It’s just, it’s me. I don’t know what I want anymore. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. And I’m frustrated with everyone around me but really pissed off at myself.”
“I think you know what you want,” she says slowly.
“River!” I throw my hands up in the air. “I want to go back to two weeks ago when everything was good between me and Riv. When he was trying, and I was letting him in, and we were…navigating. I wish we talked about what the internship would mean then, instead of me kind of blowing it off and avoiding the conversation.”
“Why didn’t you?”
I shrug. “I didn’t think I’d get it. And we were already dealing with so much. It seemed weird to discuss a hypothetical situation that hadn’t happened yet.”
“I get that.”
“But now look. I made a mess of everything.”
“Well, on the bright side, he’s not exactly going anywhere.”
I snort.
“I’m serious. He may be giving you the cold shoulder now, but you know it’s not going to last. You need to show him that you want him by your side. You need to include him in what’s going on in your life, in the baby’s life. Doctor appointments, crib shopping, all the things.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I know. But first, I need him to talk to me.”
Jas grins. “Aren’t the Thunderbolts playing home tomorrow?”
“Against Calgary,” I confirm.
“So…”
I raise an eyebrow. “You want to go to the game?”
“You should go to the game. Show up for him. It’s a good start.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”
Jas blows me a kiss. “Always am.”
I chuckle. “You’ll come with me?”
“Duh. And get a ticket for Johnny too.”
I grin. “You really like him?”
“Shh! Don’t jinx it.” She swats at me.
I laugh. “Wow, Jas. I never thought I’d see the day…”
“He’s different. Chill. Fun. Easy to be around,” she rattles off Johnny’s best qualities. “A fucking phenom in the bedroom.”
“Okay, okay.” I plug my ears. I don’t need to hear about River’s best friend’s finest assets.
Jas passes me my phone. “Call your dad. Talk to him. And tomorrow, support River. Baby steps, Lol. No pun intended.”
I swipe my phone from her and shake my head. “Get out of here.”
She slips from her chair, her hips sashaying as she walks into her bedroom. “I’ve got a hot date.”
“Have fun!”
When I hear the shower turn on, I dial Dad. The phone barely rings before he answers.
“Lola, you okay?” Concern is heavy in his tone and guilt pinches my conscience. Even though I was upset with Dad, shutting him out isn’t the way we handle our issues.
“Daddy, I’m sorry,” I sigh.
“No, no kid, this one is on me. I’m sorry. Sorrier than you’ll ever know,” he adds, his voice gruff with emotion.
“You talked to Mom,” I guess.
“Yeah,” he confirms. “I’m sorry you couldn’t talk to me, Lol. Not the way you needed to. As much as River irritates the hell out of me, I shouldn’t have let your internship news slip like that. I said it to piss him off and never thought about the position that would put you in.”
I work a swallow. “I know, Dad. You were only trying to protect me.”
“Yeah.”
“But that’s what River’s doing too. For me and for the baby. I need you to try with him.”
Dad growls, and I wonder if it’s just instinct at this point.
“Daddy…”
“Fine,” he spits out. “Fine, I’ll try.”
“Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?” Dad asks.
“Okay. Tired and emotional and cranky.”
Dad chuckles.
“But I had an ultrasound this morning and Bean’s looking good. I’ll send you the photo.”
“I’d like that,” Dad says.
“Good game last night.”
“Thanks. I’m glad you watched.” He’s quiet for a beat. “You watched for me, right?”
I laugh.
“What? I’m trying,” Dad jokes.
“I need three tickets for tomorrow’s game. Not the family box. Don’t tell River, okay? I’m hoping he’ll talk to me afterwards.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll set them up at will call.”
“Thanks.”
“You wanna get breakfast with your old man next week?” he asks, his voice going soft at the end, hopeful.
I smile. “Yeah, Dad. I’d love that.”
“It’s a date.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you more, Lol. Hey, give your uncle Asher a call. I already broke the news to him but he’s going to try to be surprised so you can break his balls a bit.”
I roll my eyes but I’m cheesing, relieved that things between Dad and me feel normal again. “I’ll call him this week.”
“Sleep well, Lola.”
“Night, Dad.”
After I end the call, I take a cleansing breath. I feel better now that I spoke with Mom and Dad. Jasmine. I’ve already accepted the internship in California, and I know I need to go. I need to try the job and see what the future holds.
I also know I want River to come with me, to be by my side as I grow our baby.
Now, I just need to convince him.
The energy at The Honeycomb is high when Jasmine and I push through the arena’s doors. Johnny is meeting us here. For a beat, it’s the two of us again—giddy and excited for the night ahead.
Jas wraps an arm around my waist and directs us toward the line for Primrose Sweets. “Let me get my girl a cupcake.”
I laugh and throw my arm over her shoulders. “You buying?”
“Duh. Gotta keep my godbaby happy in there.”
“Thanks for coming tonight.” I bump my hip against Jasmine’s as we stop at the end of the long line.
“Of course,” she says. “You know, whatever happens, I’m here for you, right?”
“I know. And I’m grateful for you. For our friendship.”
“Lots of change coming for us, Lola, but never that.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
Jasmine and I chitchat until we’re at the front of the line. We pick up coffees, decaf for me, and half a dozen cupcakes. Then, we wait for Johnny.
“Hey, hey!” He announces his arrival. Tucking us both under his arms like the charmer he is, we find our seats and sit down.
“You didn’t tell him I’m here, right?” I ask Johnny.
“Nope.” He bites into a cupcake, groaning at how good it tastes. “River deserves to be surprised.”
I nod, feeling shitty for shutting him out when he actively tried to pull me in.
“Don’t feel guilty,” Johnny correctly reads my expression, leaning forward to look at me. “River’s the king of pulling away and shutting down. He’s just never cared enough before to be hurt by someone pulling that shit with him.”
“Go easy on her,” Jas scolds him.
He shrugs and shoots me a grin. “I’m not trying to give you a hard time. If anything, River needs to learn this lesson, so he gets how it feels for the future. But you’re here now and trust me, you are the one person in the world who can melt his cold shoulder bullshit.”
“I hope so, Johnny.”
“I know so, Lola. I’ve known that kid a long-ass time. He’s tough and obstinate. Fucking infuriating to be friends with. But if you can get past the surface, he’s as good as they come.”
“I know,” I agree, polishing off a cupcake.
The lights in the arena dim. Music blares from the speakers, and the opening show commences.
“Love this part,” Johnny mutters, sitting back in his seat.
Next to me, Jas reaches for my hand, knowing how nervous I feel. Knowing how much of my future seems to ride on the success of tonight. To approach River and have a constructive conversation, the Thunderbolts need to win this game.
As the sound of thunder rumbling rings out, the projection on the ice shows a dark night sky being lit up with lightning. The crowd cheers and stomps as the projection gives way to the Thunderbolts logo before showcasing highlights from the past season and hyping the crowd up for tonight’s game against Calgary.
People are on their feet, dancing and cheering. When I move to stand, a sharp pain pinches on my right side and I suck in an inhale, my hand moving to the tender spot. Spots dance in my peripheral vision as a wave of nausea, coupled with dizziness, washes over me. I tighten my grip on Jasmine’s hand and she turns.
“Hey, you okay?” she asks, squinting at me in the darkened arena.
“Yeah,” I say, sinking back to my seat.
She sits down too and leans closer. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Just feel strange.” I point to the cupcakes. “Must be the sugar rush.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I turn my attention to the ice.
The opening show concludes to a deafening roar, and I hold my breath as the Thunderbolts take the ice. I glance toward the family box, wondering if River looks for me there. Does he want me at his game?
Does he want me at all?
An ache spreads in my lower abdomen, crampy and tight. I take a sip of my coffee, focus on my breathing. Maybe I’m coming down with something? Maybe it’s the stress of the past week? Hell, the past three months.
The game begins with Calgary gaining possession of the puck. As their right wing moves down the ice, Bolts fans lean forward, already holding their collective breath, already intent on every second of play.
Beau blocks the shot and fans clap, calling out words of encouragement.
“Way to go!” Johnny is one of them.
I try to smile. I try to focus. I try to breathe. But the pain in my stomach accumulates. Unease unfurls in my mind, spreading through my veins. It quickly morphs into panic as a thousand different thoughts, worries, tragedies filter through my mind.
Is this normal?
Is something wrong with Bean?
Did I drink too much caffeine?
Have gestational diabetes?
Will River hate me?
Does he hate me now?
Another pang cuts through my abdomen and I hunch forward, the intensity unbearable.
“Hey.” Jasmine’s hand is on my back, her mouth by my ear. “Lola, what’s going on?”
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I announce. When I stand, the previous roll of pressure is a full-blown barrel, ripping through me like a tidal wave. I cry out, clutch my stomach, and sway.
“Holy shit.” Johnny’s on his feet.
Looking down, I see the blood, crimson, spread down my inner thighs and stain my jeans.
“Lola!” Jasmine reaches for me.
I tip over, throwing out my hands as if I have any chance of stopping my fall. Nausea roils in my gut, a drum beats in my temples, and wetness coats my legs.
“I got her,” Johnny says, his arms coming around me as he guides me to my seat.
I got her. Just like River. I got you.
River. Fuck, please don’t hate me.
Tears fall down my cheeks as the world spins around me.
Noise and color and flashing lights.
“We need help!” Jasmine calls.
“Just breathe, Lola,” Johnny’s voice, calm and measured, is in my ear. “Hold my hand and breathe. Thatta girl. You’re okay. You got this,” he coaches me through the hell I’m plunged into.
I have no idea what’s happening on the ice.
Where’s River? I need him. He’ll know what to do, what to say. He’ll hold me together, so I don’t unravel.
“I need River,” I say, desperate for him.
“I’m gonna get him for you,” Johnny reassures me. “But first, we focus on you. On the baby.”
My baby. Bean. My hand rests on my stomach. “Am I losing my baby?” My voice is wrecked. The stain on my pants is growing. I swipe at it and my fingers come away red, stained and sticky.
“You’re okay,” Johnny repeats but this time, his voice wavers.
Jasmine is directing people, her tone clipped. Paramedics appear. I’m loaded onto a stretcher. The people sitting around us stare in horror, their mouths all forming perfectly shocked “O’s.”
“I’m going with her,” Jasmine says, following me. Her hand finds mine as we hit the stairs.
“Don’t let go,” I say.
“I won’t,” she promises.
Another pang explodes and I gasp. Turning my head to the side, tears seep into my hairline. I make eye contact with a paramedic, his expression grim. The paramedics carry me out of the arena, to a waiting ambulance. Jasmine slides in after me and clasps my hand again. She looks petrified and I close my eyes, knowing the worst has already happened.
I lost my baby. I failed him or her. I failed River.
Numbness sweeps through me and I welcome it, not wanting to feel anything when the devastation cuts this deeply. A paramedic places an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. I feign sleep, even as my mind takes me to dark places.
Lost and hopeless, I let the sirens block out all rational thought.