NATALIE WAGNER, random freshman: Avery Dennis was the closest thing to a legend the senior class had.
BECCA HORN, random freshman: Avery Dennis was a known clone. It was like she’d watched a bunch of ’90s high school sitcoms and invented herself. The world did not need a third Wakefield twin.
Editor’s Note: The Wakefields are fictional California teens from a book series. Although this remark was clearly intended as a burn, they seemed pretty awesome when I googled them. Also, I was starting to understand what Ms. Segerson meant about history being subjective. And the perils of unreliable sources.
NATALIE, random but very wise freshman: Like, I’m not saying that if Avery Dennis wore army pants and flip-flops, I’d wear army pants and flip-flops, but everybody knows who Avery Dennis is.
BECCA, random and very disgruntled freshman: Yeah, I know who Avery Dennis is. Everybody knows who everybody is because this stupid school only has like sixty kids in each grade.
NATALIE: Avery Dennis was definitely popular. And, like, why is anybody popular, you know? Is that really something you can even define? Like, what is popularity? Why are popular people popular? Popularity is just like this ineffable thing. You’re either popular or you’re not. And Avery Dennis definitely was.
BECCA: Sure, I guess you could say Avery Dennis had it. If by it, you mean a lobotomy.
Editor’s Note: Unreliable sources.
NATALIE: She and her friends ate lunch every day in the best spot outside. She went to, like, every party that was actually a good party. She’d broken some kind of state tennis record. Her hair was like a golden veil.
BECCA: There is absolutely nothing remarkable whatsoever about Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: But perhaps most crucially of all, Avery Dennis had never been single. Ever. And I don’t mean just in this year that I’d been in school with her. Everybody knows that Avery Dennis has always had a boyfriend. Even when she was, like, in utero.
BECCA: Truly boring people are terrified of being alone. That tells you everything you need to know about the dating history of Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: She’d dated all the hottest guys at San Anselmo Prep. And most of the hottest guys at Sir Francis Drake High. And a certain TV star. And even, if you believe the rumors, a minor-league soccer player and the heir to the throne of a small European principality.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes rumors are just rumors.
NATALIE: It was almost surprising that she hadn’t dated Luke Murphy before senior year, you know? They just went together perfectly. Avery Dennis couldn’t have even built herself a better boyfriend in a lab! I mean, if there was a lab where you could, like, build boyfriends. Once they finally got together, you would see them walking down the halls and be like, yes, that is the golden couple.
BECCA: No, I wouldn’t have called Luke Murphy and Avery Dennis the golden couple. Firstly, that’s not a phrase I would use. Ever. And secondly, two people aren’t a golden couple just because they’re both blonds. Also, two blond people shouldn’t date. It looks weird, like they’re going to start singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.”
NATALIE: I think it was all part of a master plan. Like, she didn’t want to date Luke Murphy too soon, because she had known since kindergarten that he would be the perfect senior prom date. Some people just have heads that were built to wear a crown. Luke Murphy has a prom king head. Maybe it’s his jawline?
BECCA: I didn’t even know that Luke Murphy and Avery Dennis were dating until after she went crazy. Because I have my own life. I cannot be bothered to keep up with the unending carousel that is Avery Dennis’s Boyfriend of the Month.
NATALIE: They had their differences, though. Luke was the captain of the lacrosse team and the Student Council president. Avery was the captain of the tennis team and head of the Prom Committee. Very different.
BECCA: Luke Murphy could be president. Avery Dennis could be the fascist dictator of a small country.
Editor’s Note: I could easily run a large country. Also, I’d be benevolent.
NATALIE: Luke Murphy is arguably the most popular guy at San Anselmo Prep. But he’s different than you’d expect, because he’s just so nice. Like he does some charity thing with tutoring special-needs kids or helping old people or something. He’s really nice. Teachers love him. Students love him. Babies and grandmas probably love him, too. Everybody loves Luke Murphy.
BECCA: I really can’t think of anything bad to say about him. Really, the man should be president. Especially after what he did to Avery Dennis.
NATALIE: I still can’t believe that we were there when it actually happened. Like, I was a witness to the Dumping of Avery Dennis. Oh—this is the other thing to know about Avery Dennis. She’s never been single. But she’s also never been dumped.
BECCA: Oh, I believe that Avery Dennis has never been dumped. Probably because she usually only dates other people with reptile-size brains.
NATALIE: I was sitting in the library with Becca, working on my math homework.
BECCA: I was not sitting with Natalie Wagner. We were sitting at the same table. We were not sitting together. I just want to make that clear.
NATALIE: Avery Dennis and I have the same free period. So there I was, just casually minding my own business and doing homework. Avery and Luke were sitting at the table next to mine. I could hear her giggling and I think she was, like, kicking him under the table but in like a footsie way, not in like an aggressive way.
BECCA: I wasn’t paying attention to Avery Dennis and Luke Murphy, because I am a normal person with homework of my own to attend to. Also, Ms. Dickerson was trying to secretly eat a sandwich at her desk, so I was staring at her. Just to make her uncomfortable.
MS. DICKERSON, librarian: I most certainly was not eating a sandwich at my desk. School policy expressly forbids food in the library.
Editor’s Note: She was most definitely eating a sandwich. It was totally obvious. At least when Ms. Segerson eats Chipotle during class, she owns it. But she never shares.
NATALIE: And then he started whispering. Then she whispered a little. Then he whispered a lot more. And then there was some furious simultaneous whispering. And then Luke Murphy whispered for a long, long time, and Avery Dennis was silent. Well, she was silent for a while …
BECCA: Avery Dennis let out an unholy screech. Like the kind of thing you would hear from a particularly vitriolic demon.
NATALIE: I looked over and she was standing. Her mouth was hanging open like she was still screaming, but no sound came out. The entire library was totally silent—everyone was staring at her in shock. Even Ms. Dickerson didn’t come over and yell at her for screaming in the library.
BECCA: At this point, I was looking at them because, hello, she had just screamed her tiny head off.
Editor’s Note: I have a very normal-size head.
NATALIE: Luke Murphy started to get up, and said, “Avery, I am so, so, so,” but she didn’t even let him finish. She screamed again and he sat down really fast and then she kicked her chair, and her foot went right through it. Like right straight through the back of the chair.
BECCA: Which was a really beautiful thing, because then she started hopping around and screaming and she could not get her foot out.
NATALIE: She was so lucky she was wearing pants; otherwise, that chair totally would have stabbed her leg.
BECCA: Luke Murphy said, “Avery, let me help you,” then she screamed, “DON’T YOU DARE!”
NATALIE: Luke kind of shrunk down in his seat and looked really, really scared.
BECCA: Ms. Dickerson must have regained her composure, because she whisper-yelled, “Avery Dennis, that is ENOUGH!” And Avery finally stopped screaming. Ms. Dickerson extricated Avery’s foot from the chair and escorted her out of the library.
MS. DICKERSON: Completely uncharacteristic behavior. Yes, I have to shush Avery on an almost hourly basis, but she’s not the type of student to be purposely disruptive. Or to destroy school property.
NATALIE: As she was leaving, Avery wailed, “I can’t believe this happened right before the prom!” It was so sad. I felt really bad for her.
BECCA: It was one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen.
TRIPP GOMEZ-PARKER, lacrosse teammate of L. Murphy: I told him not to do it. You don’t dump girls like Avery Dennis, man. You just don’t do it. But Luke’s got this, like, wacko sense of ethics or whatever. Said he couldn’t keep dating her if he didn’t feel it. It wouldn’t be fair. Like he was lying to her or something. Man, that kid is crazy. Like going to the prom with a hot girl is such a moral dilemma. You think Coco Kim is my soul mate? No. But she’s gonna look bangin’ in our prom photos. Just suck it up and rent the tux like the rest of us.
NATALIE: I don’t even remember how I figured out exactly what had happened. Everything happened so fast.
BECCA: It was obvious what had happened. Why? Because I understand context clues. 1. Luke Murphy whispered a bunch of stuff. 2. Avery Dennis screamed like a deranged banshee and had a complete meltdown. 3. Avery Dennis said something about the prom.
NATALIE: Within minutes, it was all over the school. Everyone knew that Avery Dennis had been dumped. And only days before the prom. I’m only a freshman—I wasn’t even going to prom—and I was freaking out! Legit everyone was freaking out. How could Avery Dennis have been dumped? And how could Avery Dennis not have a prom date?! It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore. It was like we’d all just seen a zebra eat a lion. The world had lost its natural order.
BECCA: Everyone knew. But I didn’t understand why everyone cared.
TRIPP: No, I wasn’t there when it happened. But I knew it was gonna happen. So I wasn’t surprised when I heard about it.
Editor’s Note: A little heads-up would have been nice, Tripp. We were in the same discussion group in English third quarter. DID THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!
NATALIE: The ramifications of this entire situation were immediately obvious. Avery Dennis no longer had a boyfriend. So she no longer had a prom date. And every single upperclassman already had a date to the prom. Well, except the people who weren’t going to prom. But, like, who doesn’t go to prom?
BECCA: Smart people don’t go to prom. Luke Murphy had just done Avery Dennis a favor.
NATALIE: San Anselmo Prep was just too small. There were no prom dates left. What was Avery going to do, take a freshman to prom? Please. The shame! She was literally out of options. The head of the Prom Committee didn’t have a date to prom. And that was irony.