AVERY: Hutch was the greatest scientific mind San Anselmo had ever produced. After four years of winning state and regional science fairs, he’d just won a crazy buttload of scholarship money in a national science competition. Most importantly, on the very first day of freshman biology, a stunningly gorgeous but uninterested girl sat next to a new kid known as James “Hutch” Hutcherson, and the two of them became lab partners. That girl … was me.
JAMES “HUTCH” HUTCHERSON, great scientific mind: That girl was Avery Dennis?! I’m shocked. Nobody saw that coming.
CRESSIDA SCHROBENHAUSER-CLONAN, totally bitter AP bio student: Yeah, I remember the first day of freshman bio. Hutch was sitting at the lab table closest to the door. Avery Dennis slid in just as the bell was ringing and into the closest available seat—the one next to Hutch.
AVERY: But Hutch actually showed me that science was cool. I was as surprised as you probably are right now reading this. And thanks to the classic San Anselmo Prep insistence on student self-advocacy, we have been lab partners every year since. Hutch turned that uninterested freshman girl into a bona fide science whiz who is very much holding her own in AP bio, thank you very much.
CRESSIDA: Every year, every single year, I watched as Hutch and Avery lab-partnered again and again. I couldn’t understand it. Was I jealous? Yes. I was beyond jealous. Year after year, I was stuck with a deadweight of a lab partner, dragging me down. This year was the absolute worst. Tripp Gomez-Parker? His brain is protozoan. I have no idea how he made it into AP.
TRIPP GOMEZ-PARKER: Yeah, Hutch is like a guaranteed three-point bump to your GPA. He’s a genius, man.
AVERY: Even I wondered sometimes why Hutch was still my lab partner. And once I had to go to counseling for having high self-esteem.
HUTCH: I was still Avery’s lab partner because, all appearances to the contrary, Avery Dennis doesn’t play. She gets it done.
CRESSIDA: We all knew why Hutch was still Avery’s lab partner. Because she’s pretty. That was it, right? That was literally all Avery Dennis brought to the table. Even the smartest boys were dumb about some things.
Editor’s Note: Ouch.
HUTCH: Anybody who wonders why I’d lab-partner AD has never seen her dissect a frog. Steadiest hands I’ve ever seen. Minimal, beautiful incisions. Speed and accuracy. She can get the spleen out of anything—mammal or amphibian—in less time than it takes a normal person to tie their shoes.
AVERY: We don’t dissect things nearly often enough for that to be a huge advantage, but it’s always nice to be appreciated for your skills. And speaking of skills, Hutch had the exact skill set I needed to complete my oral history project. He was the master of deductive reasoning. If anyone was going to discern a pattern here, it was Hutch. He could sift through mountains of data and find exactly what he needed to prove any hypothesis.
HUTCH: When AD first approached me, I thought she’d forgotten a pencil. Like she does. Every. Single. Day.
AVERY: Despite his brilliant mind, he was also, unfortunately, a known slanderer.
HUTCH: This was supposed to be an objective study. A history. I was trying to stick to the facts. As with everything in life, if the data is inaccurate, the results will be inconclusive.
AVERY: He was also almost always right. It was one of his best and most annoying characteristics.
HUTCH: Yeah, I am always right. This is exactly why we scientists are a lonely breed.
AVERY: Hutch was an impartial observer, which I felt made him a great objective source for my history. Prom can make people really emotional. It is the single biggest day of our entire lives so far. It is going to be the most magical evening we have literally ever experienced.
TRIPP: I heard Coco’s dress is totally backless. This night is gonna be magical.
Editor’s Note: Gross. Tripp Gomez-Parker was going to keep his hands where I could see them the entire evening, or he would face the wrath of Avery.
COCO: Avery and I spent weeks picking out the right dresses. Mine is magical.
AVERY: When I think about taking pictures with Coco, riding in a limousine, and walking into the venue I’ll have transformed with my own two hands … Sure, I get excited about it. But the thing is, when you join the Prom Committee, you’re agreeing to throw the best party you can for everyone. It’s not just about you, it’s about the school. Most people won’t thank you for it. The thanks you get are when everyone is out on the dance floor having the time of their lives, possibly for the last time together … ugh, I’m getting choked up already. It’s going to be amazing. See? Emotional. But I knew Hutch wouldn’t get emotional. For one thing, scientists remain impartial. And more importantly, Hutch couldn’t get emotional. Because he wasn’t going to the prom.
HUTCH: Are you kidding me? No, of course I wasn’t going to the prom. Why would I spend seventy-five dollars on a ticket to an event I had absolutely no interest in attending? For seventy-five dollars, I could buy multiple expansion packs for Ticket to Ride. I’d had my eye on that Southeast Asian expansion pack for quite some time. I was not about to blow the graduation money from my grandma on a prom ticket. Not to mention the tux and any other hidden expenses prom might incur.
Editor’s Note: Ticket to Ride is a board game in which you build train tracks? Unclear.
CRESSIDA: I knew Hutch wasn’t going to prom. Lucky him. So now I had absolutely no reason whatsoever to go. Not that Hutch is a reason for me to go to the prom; it would just be nice to have one person there with whom one could have an intelligent conversation, besides the chaperones.
HUTCH: Besides, prom is stupid. I don’t dress up on Halloween, and I don’t dress up for dances. Also, I don’t dance.
Editor’s Note: WHY DIDN’T HE WEAR HALLOWEEN COSTUMES?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM?! This was something that needed to be addressed at a later date, clearly.
AVERY: Hutch didn’t seem to understand. The senior prom is literally a once-in-a-lifetime event. It’ll never happen again. It’s not like prom is a trip to In-N-Out. Animal fries are forever, but prom is one night only.
Editor’s Note: For the uninitiated, animal fries are cheesy fries smothered in In-N-Out Burger’s secret sauce and sautéed onions. They are nature’s perfect food.
HUTCH: Whether or not prom was stupid was a moot point. I didn’t have a prom ticket. I wasn’t going to prom. More importantly, I had alternate plans.
AVERY: I was surprised Hutch had alternate prom night plans. Until I found out what they were. And then I wasn’t surprised at all.
HUTCH: We start the evening off with a game of my own devising, Settlers of Ca-Tots. It’s basically Catan, except the only viable trade resource is tater tots.
MICHAEL FEELEY, member of Hutch’s Dragon Wizarding Warlord Association or whatever: My mom already stocked up on tots with her Costco membership. The backup freezer in our garage is literally full of tots right now. Nothing. But. Tots.
HUTCH: So we keep things light in the early part of the evening. Ca-Tots, then Lords of Waterdeep, then Dust. But that’s only the beginning.
LIAM PADALECKI, another member of Hutch’s Dragon Wizarding Warlord Association or whatever: Exactly at the stroke of midnight, we begin Dungeons & Dragons: The Rise of Tiamat. And then we rage ’til dawn!
HUTCH: I had been planning this campaign for more than a semester. These guys are gonna get destroyed.
LIAM: It’s so cute how Hutch thinks he’s gonna wreck us. No way, man. No way. This is gonna be easy. People always underestimate a tiefling bard. That’s our secret.
MICHAEL: Liam said what? Ugh. Typical tiefling nonsense. He needs to take this seriously. Hutch is gonna bring his A-game. He always does. Man, we probably are gonna get crushed. Our campaign has like five bards right now. It’s nonsense. But no one ever listens to the gnome.
HUTCH: Tiamat is a dragon, AD. It does not get cooler than that. Is prom gonna have dragons? Or devastation orbs?
Editor’s Note: Who would want to go to any event that had something called a devastation orb?? Generally speaking, I try to avoid devastation, no matter what its geometric shape, in my daily life.
AVERY: Clearly, I had missed out on a great theme idea: Dragons under the Stars. I don’t know what I’d been thinking when I selected Midnight in Paris. Even though that was technically a misnomer, since prom ended promptly—and tragically—at 11:00 p.m.
HUTCH: Prom might end at eleven, but at Ultimate Game Night, we rage until dawn.
Editor’s Note: Rage was definitely not the verb he was looking for.
MICHAEL: Oh, we were gonna rage, all right. My mom got so much Mountain Dew at Costco I could build a fort out of it. Nobody sleeps at Ultimate Game Night!
HUTCH: Clearly, AD had never been on a campaign with me as the Dungeon Master.
Editor’s Note: The only campaign I’ve ever been on was when my mom ran for state comptroller, and that was plenty boring.
AVERY: If my oral history had been a lab report, Hutch never would have gotten so off task.
HUTCH: Fine. She wants a lab report? Does this whacked-out project even have a hypothesis?
AVERY: If I interview all my old boyfriends, then I will find out what went wrong. I’ll find out why I was dumped mere days before the most important night of my life—senior prom. I’ll figure out why all of my relationships ended—and what, exactly, that says about me. Which will totally help me in my new life as a single college freshman who is not distracted by dating at all and is way too busy having an obscenely high GPA and running the Student Government Association to waste any time on a boyfriend. Simple.
HUTCH: Nothing about this “history” included a hypothesis that was remotely testable.
AVERY: That’s why it’s a history project! Not a science project!
HUTCH: Is this even an oral history? You’re seriously screwing with the format.
AVERY: You’re screwing with the format! You’re not supposed to talk to me! I mean, you are, but I’m just supposed to be like an impartial observer!
HUTCH: You have never been an impartial observer of anything in your entire life.
Editor’s Note: Fact.
AVERY: Please help me! Please please please please please!
HUTCH: Chill, AD! You know you annoy people until they have no choice but to do your bidding, right?
AVERY: It’s an effective technique.
HUTCH: I will help you, but only for science. Because this is the most whacked-out hypothesis I’ve ever heard. Which means I’m probably the only person in San Anselmo who could prove it.
AVERY: And that was exactly why I’d asked Hutch for his help. Unfortunately, Hutch wasn’t available for step one of the project.
HUTCH: Discover was doing an article on teens in science.
AVERY: Hey! You should tell them about my oral history! It’s a totally unusual hypothesis, just like you said, right? I bet Discover would be totally into it.
HUTCH: I am absolutely not doing that.
AVERY: Fine. I’ll call Discover and tell them about it myself when it’s finished.
HUTCH: So Discover had asked to profile me for this article. And normally my reaction to getting my picture taken for anything was no—
AVERY: You are on the cover of literally every single piece of promotional material at San Anselmo Prep.
HUTCH: I didn’t know they were taking those pictures.
AVERY: Sure, somebody walks into a classroom, holding a camera, but your nose is too deep in A Brief History of Time to notice a flash.
HUTCH: I can’t help that I have the photogenic complexion and charisma of a young Neil deGrasse Tyson.
AVERY: The San Anselmo Prep admissions team does love a nice, diverse picture. If you looked at our brochures, you’d think Hutch and Coco were in every class together.
HUTCH: But it was Discover, man! I had to say yes. I still couldn’t believe I was going to be in those hallowed pages. Just like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Dennis Bray and Alain Aspect and—
AVERY: You’re just making up words now.
HUTCH: They’re scientists, AD.
AVERY: Whatever. Hutch was off to be America’s Next Top Model Scientist—
HUTCH: How do you not know who Neil deGrasse Tyson is? He’s like the Drake of the scientific community! It’s like you don’t even listen to me.
AVERY: Fine! Hutch was off to be the next Neil deGrasse Tyson. Which meant I needed assistance from elsewhere. Luckily, I knew exactly who to turn to—the person who had been by my side when it all began. The witness to the very first case in my oral history—my best friend, Coco Kim.