Chapter XII
The truth is that I never set out to lose ninety pounds. Never in a million years would I have believed I could lose that much weight, nor that I needed to. I wanted to be smaller, but I had completely accepted that I would be “thick” or “curvy” my entire life. Thin was never part of the plan, and no one was more surprised by it than me.
The truth is that I didn’t have a plan for success. I stumbled onto it, the way one finds a great new restaurant on a whim. I simply happened to try one thing that worked, then another, then another, and before I knew it, I had arrived at a destination I’d never set out for.
The truth is that once I made certain lifestyle changes, getting to that destination felt effortless. Every pound wasn’t a struggle. To the contrary, stepping on the scale became a pleasant and encouraging experience. I went about living my life and the weight just came off.
All of those things are the shiny, happy side of the truth. But there’s also a side that’s much harder to swallow. Brace yourself, because it’s time for some medicine.
The key to everything I’ve said up to this point is that my journey felt effortless once I’d made certain changes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that making those changes was hard. Excruciatingly hard.
Here’s what’s also true: they call it a lifestyle change for a reason. You have to change your life. Your entire life. All of it. That includes what time you wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, what social engagements you accept or decline, even who you hang out with. If you have a friend who only wants to drink bottle after bottle of wine every time you’re together, you might not want to spend as much time with that person. Everyone can’t go on this journey with you. Sadly, some people will get left behind. Either they’re with you, or they’re not. On the other hand, if you have friends with a similar lifestyle approach, you can build around that, scheduling dates for a workout and healthy brunch afterward. If you’re invited to three holiday parties in one week, you probably want to go to just one, or commit to staying at each one for less than an hour. No part of your life is unaffected. When you talk to people who are really focused on their health and fitness, you quickly notice that they build their whole life around those goals, not the other way around. It’s a full-time job. Over time it does become as effortless as the lifestyle you’re leading now. But please know that we’re not talking about minor tweaks here. We’re talking about a complete overhaul. Think about it: If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten. If you want something different, you have to do something different.
It takes longer than you might expect for your new lifestyle to take hold. Like I’ve mentioned, I’d always heard it takes about three weeks to form a new habit, so when I first started making changes, that’s what I was expecting. I girded myself for three tough weeks. But much to my dismay, it took about six weeks before I stopped feeling deprived and empty. While six weeks isn’t a very long time in the scheme of things, it’s a heck of a long time to go through withdrawal. It sucked.
Being adequately prepared for these challenges is crucial to success. In January 2009, my husband and some of our friends decided we wanted to attend the presidential inauguration of Barack Obama. I was told that I didn’t have to cover it for work, which under normal circumstances would bum me out, but in this case was just fine by me. I’d just spent months as part of the reporting team covering the election for NBC News (for which we later won an Emmy Award), and had a front-row seat to one of the most exciting political spectacles of our time. I knew the inauguration would be just as historic, and for once I wanted to be a witness, not a reporter.
We figured that it would be cold, but we really didn’t know just how frigid it would be until a few days out. The forecast predicted 22 degrees, though thankfully no snow or rain. Still, we knew we’d have to be prepared.
On the morning of the inauguration, we left the D.C. apartment we were staying in at 3:45 A.M. Yes, the middle of the night. We didn’t want to be all the way in the back, behind hundreds of thousands of other people. If we were going to witness history, we wanted a good view. I remember that it took me about fifteen minutes to get dressed. There were layers upon layers: tights; socks; long johns; jeans; sweaters; and still more socks. Then came the outerwear: Ugg boots; a wool hat; two pairs of gloves; and a long down coat I’d bought just for that occasion.
Even though we left ridiculously early, it still it took an awful long time to navigate around all the street closures and roadblocks (on foot), and we finally made it to the Capitol around 6 A.M. The travel part wasn’t so bad, actually, because we were moving, with a destination in mind. The worst was yet to come.
Twenty-two degrees is cold on a good day, even if you’re only outside for brief periods of time, walking to the subway or running errands. But it’s a completely different level of cold when you’re standing in one place for hours. We were absolutely freezing. It was so cold that my best friend, Apryl Owens, developed little tiny icicles on her eyelashes. It looked like something out of a cartoon, her eyes, all bedazzled with ice. I kept telling myself that it would warm up when the sun came out. “Just hold on until sunrise. Just hold on until sunrise,” I repeated in my head over and over. Well guess what happened when the sun came out? It got colder! The temperature dropped to 19 degrees.
I thought to myself, There’s no way I can make it six more hours. I really doubted if I could stand it. But, like I said, we were as ready as anyone could be. We had hand and foot warmers. We huddled together. It was painful, and every minute felt like ten, but eventually noon came. We made it, and a remarkable moment in history took place right in front of our icicle-crusted eyes.
The reason we were able to withstand such brutal cold for twelve hours (it took several more hours to make it through the crowds and get back home) is that we knew that it would be a long, freezing cold day, and we were well equipped, not just with all of our cold-weather gear, but mentally as well. We didn’t expect it to be easy or pleasant. Now imagine if I’d headed out in a bikini, holding a margarita. I wouldn’t have made it to the end of the block.
Most of us vastly underestimate how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. People go on and off diets all the time, willy-nilly. “I’m going to stop eating carbs,” they’ll proclaim, but in most cases they haven’t done any of the mental or practical work to make it stick. Unlike dieters, most others who are trying to kick a major habit acknowledge how tough the challenge is, and just how much is at stake. Someone who wants to stop smoking knows it will be brutal. They may invest in some nicotine gum, get a prescription from the doctor, or even try hypnotism. They likely expect it to take several tries before they’re actually successful, and will keep at it again and again. Alcoholics in recovery know they have to recommit themselves to sobriety every day, and do the work that comes along with it. But a “dieter” will scream, “Juice fast!” and try to completely overhaul their life overnight. Most of us end up knee-deep in bagels within a week. You owe it to yourself to bundle up, or you probably won’t withstand the cold.
I was having dinner with my dear friend, interior designer Elaine Griffin, the other night, and she was asking me all sorts of questions about my diet and exercise routine. I laid it all out, answering each and every inquiry much as I have in the pages of this book, sharing my beliefs about the formula, food, exercise, and planning. After my whole spiel, she looked at me pointedly, glass of pinot grigio in hand, and said, “That’s all fine, Mara, but what do I do in that moment when the wine is calling?” Good question. Temptation beckons us all. Here’s what I’ve found helps keep it quiet.
I’ve come to love physically pushing myself when I’m working out, wanting to run faster and longer, and lift heavier. Nothing makes me happier than beating a personal record or seeing a definite measure of progress. But make no mistake about it, it’s almost never fun in the moment. I almost always feel like quitting midway, yearning to lower the resistance on my bike or the speed on my treadmill. In those moments, I have two choices: I can focus on the struggle (“This is so hard! I just want to stop! Maybe I can let up just a little bit”) or I can focus on getting through it. I always choose the latter. What gets me through every time is ten seconds. Ten little seconds. I tell myself, “Just do this for ten more seconds. You can do anything for ten seconds.” Then I start counting down from ten. Of course, the challenge I’m facing is often longer than ten seconds. It might be one minute, or three. But it doesn’t matter. In the moment, I never worry about the big picture. I just worry about the ten seconds in front of me.
That approach has seeped into every single aspect of my life. When I’m carrying impossibly heavy groceries home from the store, I vow to make it to a nearby landmark, like a trash can a few feet away. Then I aim for that stoplight. Then that deli on the corner. All the way home. I do the same thing with my diet. If I want a snack thirty minutes before dinner, I’ll ask myself just to wait five minutes, and then I can have it. Who can’t wait five minutes? If I’ve planned poorly and am absolutely starving and ready to grab the nearest box of cookies, I convince myself to eat a handful of almonds and a banana first, then I tell myself I can eat whatever I want. Eating almonds isn’t so bad, I think. Just eat ten and then you can have the cookies.
Setting a small goal doesn’t apply to weight loss alone. It doesn’t mean that you aim to lose half a pound each week (though that’s a great small goal, too). Oftentimes, small goals help you get through the moment. The amazing thing about small goals is that they give you an instant sense of accomplishment, which is empowering. But you’ll most likely need more than one. Small goals always come in groups. Set one, then immediately another one. It’s like walking; start by putting one foot in front of the other.
As I’ve mentioned a few times now, before losing the weight, I’d become comfortable in my size 14 skin. But one place I was definitely not comfortable was in my postpregnancy body. It wasn’t just my weight that bothered me, the number on the scale, but my shape. I didn’t recognize anything about my body, and I wasn’t happy about it at all. I remember one afternoon forcing myself through the torturous exercise of trying on some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Some things fit, some didn’t, but I looked terrible in absolutely everything. I was in such despair that I stood there in my closet and started crying. Now, I’m not sure if crying triggers some kind of hormonal response, but as the tears fell, I started leaking breast milk, big-time. After a few minutes, there I was, literally standing in a puddle of tears and breast milk. You don’t know pitiful until you’ve stood in a puddle of your own tears and breast milk.
I was determined to get back to my pre-baby size and shape. That was what gave me the motivation to endure all of the difficult changes. I wanted to go back to work wearing my regular clothes. I didn’t want to return to the office feeling lousy about myself, on top of learning how to juggle work and motherhood. I gave myself no other option. There were no outs. Keeping the baby weight on was not an option. I felt forced to fight. So I did.
It’s crucial to identify what you want, specifically, and in detail. Saying that you want to lose weight isn’t a very specific goal. I’ve found that even identifying a target number isn’t tremendously helpful. It’s much more motivational to think about what those things really mean, like the feeling of wearing something sleeveless without feeling self-conscious about your arms, having a really fun vacation without any bathing suit anxiety, or seeing your ex at an upcoming wedding you just know for sure he’ll be at. It could be thinking about a pair of skinny jeans you’ve been holding on to for years and are dying to get back into, or a style of clothing you’d really love to be able to wear (like those cursed bandage dresses, of which I’ve finally just bought my first one). Your goals may be much more significant than that. My husband is devoted to a healthy and fit lifestyle because his father died at sixty years old from heart disease, and he wants to be around as long as possible for our daughter and any future children. Maybe you want to get off any and all medication you’re taking. Your goals can be noble or totally shallow. It doesn’t matter. There’s no judgment here. Just make sure you know what they are and that you think about them often, like daydreaming. That way, when the wine calls and you wonder, Why am I doing this again? you’ll know the answer.
COPING MECHANISMS
I never thought I was an emotional eater. I thought that I simply liked food and had a hard time staying away from indulgences. Sure, I’d eat to celebrate or if I was really upset, but I didn’t see those things as the root cause for being overweight. And much like when I was nine years old, so much of weight loss felt intangible to me. I didn’t seem to be eating that much, so why wasn’t I smaller? It all seemed so mystical. Turns out that in a lot of ways, it is.
Eight months after my daughter was born, I was down eighty pounds. During an afternoon nap one weekend (you know I love my naps), I had a very profound dream. In the dream, I was sitting on the floor playing with my daughter, Nina. We were on the carpet, right by the toy box, doing what we do so often, pulling out one toy for a little while, then turning our attention to the next. I often use these moments as a secret way to snuggle Nina, without her knowing. While she is deeply engaged in some toy, turning it around and around, inspecting every detail, I’ll caress her head, kiss her chubby cheeks, play with her tiny toes, or sometimes just stare at her perfect little face. That’s what was happening in the dream; she was playing, and I was sneak-snuggling. But then, in the dream, something very different happened. Nina stopped playing, focused her attention directly on me, and we reversed roles. She started mothering me, hugging me, rubbing my shoulders, and stroking my face. I became the child, totally vulnerable, and placing myself in complete care of a toddler. I woke up immediately and had the single biggest epiphany of this journey: She’s healing me. I realized in that very moment that I had rarely had the desire to binge since she was born. It nearly vanished.
Paging Dr. Freud! I have no idea why becoming a mom changed me this way. I have a great relationship with my own mother. I wasn’t dying to have a baby, either; the timing was determined mostly by my husband, who didn’t want to be an old dad. So what’s with the dream? I haven’t figured it out yet. It’s entirely possible that I never will. But what has become crystal clear to me now is that I was overweight because I was using food to cope with an underlying emotional issue.
The reality is that my lifestyle was working for me. I wasn’t thrilled about the by-product of that lifestyle (that muffin top), but the food was serving a very important purpose. It was helping me to get through each day. I believe that’s true for most people. Think about it. Your lifestyle must be giving you something that’s very important. That glass (or bottle) of wine at the end of the day helps you unload the stresses of a hectic life. That French toast during Sunday brunch gives you a minivacation from the monotony of the workweek. That 3 P.M. chocolate bar is stepping in for that two-hour sleep deficit. It all works exactly the way it’s supposed to. That’s why it’s so hard to get away from.
You cannot take away the things that are helping you get through life without replacing them with something else. Coping mechanisms are absolutely crucial. You don’t even have to figure out what the food is giving you. That can be immensely complicated. But you do have to find other things to step in for the food. You have to fill the void with something. The question is, what do you fill it with?
Only you can answer that question. It takes some trial and error. My best advice is to keep your eyes open. Start paying attention to the things that give you joy, rest, and peace. What makes you feel energized, enthusiastic, optimistic, or calm? It will be different for everyone. Maybe it’s binge-watching your favorite show, getting a pedicure, or reading a trashy entertainment blog. You’ll want to have a long list, because everything won’t work for every situation. For example, a nap is a surefire fix for me, but I can’t exactly take a nap in the middle of a stressful workday. Other things on my list include playing with my daughter, lying in bed watching my favorite DVR’d shows, and looking at luxury home sales and interior design online (or as I like to call it, “real estate porn”). But by far, my most effective coping mechanism is retail therapy. Shopping does the trick every time. Financial planners may balk at that notion, but this isn’t a money management book, it’s a diet book. Keep in mind that though my family makes a decent living, we’re still on a very tight budget. Living in New York ain’t cheap. So I spend a lot of time budget shopping, getting a three-dollar pair of eyelashes at the drugstore, or a six-dollar workout shirt at an online discount retailer. Every once in a while, when things get really bad, I’ll spend much more than I can afford. But once the storm has passed, I’ll return the item or cancel the order. In my opinion, that’s why retail therapy works so well; it’s totally reversible.
So am I advocating trading one vice for another? Well, yeah, I kinda am. I’m not suggesting you take up drugs or drinking, but let’s be real here. In a perfect world we’d all spend our days in hours upon hours of free psychotherapy, until we figure out what our underlying emotional issues are and treat them appropriately. That’s a noble goal. But until I get there, I’m just trying to get through the week without a doughnut.
SUBSTITUTES
I firmly believe that as best I can, I should be trying to change my lifestyle, aiming for a genuinely healthy and nutritious diet, not just cramming a gluten-free cookie in place of an Oreo for temporary weight loss. You’ll remember, that’s how I lived my life for years, looking for lower-calorie substitutes for what I really wanted to eat, things like 100-calorie bagels, reduced-fat graham crackers, and frozen yogurt. I wasn’t really changing my diet, I was simply swapping in one bad food choice for another “less bad” one, but then I’d end up eating three times as much, so it didn’t matter anyway. I wasn’t avoiding my poisons, I wasn’t looking for nonfood coping mechanisms, and I definitely wasn’t concerned about giving my body its proper nutrition. It should come as no surprise that that strategy never worked.
That being said, let’s keep it real for a minute. Life happens. Sometimes life is a bitch. We all need a break-glass-in-case-of-emergency, SOS plan. Your whole diet shouldn’t be about replacing one poison with another, but every now and then you need what you need, and that’s okay. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about success, and doing what you have to do to make it through.
There’s a big difference between a coping mechanism and a substitute. A coping mechanism is a way of responding to food triggers without food. A substitute is the exact opposite. It’s turning to food in the most dire circumstances. Again, this is your emergency plan. You should always be prepared for an emergency, and that means identifying foods that will satisfy your urgent need during a crisis without derailing your lifestyle.
So how does this work? There have to be things you can eat that will really and truly satisfy your deepest food craving without sending you spiraling into a binge or days of self-pity. I have one rule for this, and one rule only: It can’t be your poison. Poison is poison. It’s never okay. Other than that, have at it. Just like with coping mechanisms, you should have a long list, because every food won’t fit every circumstance.
Here are some of the things on my “crisis food” list: stove-popped popcorn (the old-fashioned kind) with real melted butter and salt; straight vodka, on ice; marshmallows; baked goods made with almond flour (see recipes for one suggestion); fruit snacks.
Are any of these healthy? No. Are they a regular part of my diet? No. But after a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, I make myself a huge bowl of popcorn (without skimping on the butter), I pour a glass of Grey Goose, I sit in front of the TV for a few hours, I go to bed, and I wake up new. I can move forward, guilt-free, binge-free, and judgment-free. Hopefully, as time goes on and your coping mechanisms get stronger, you won’t need substitutes as often.
KNOW WHAT’S AT STAKE
When a smoker decides to quit, they generally have pretty strong reasons for doing so. We all know about the dangers of tobacco, from what it does to your lungs, arteries, and heart, to the increased risk of cancer. Then there are the ways smoking affects those around you, posing real dangers to your spouse, children, even neighbors living in adjacent apartments. I doubt that knowing all of that makes quitting any easier, but it does impart a certain amount of weight to that effort (no pun intended). But with food, there’s none of that. What’s the big deal? you’ll think to yourself. It’s just one doughnut. It’s just a taste of a cookie. Most of us don’t treat our poisons like poisons. We treat them like naughty little treats.
You may have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing food to other addictive substances. That’s because I firmly believe that many of us use food as a drug. I place myself in that category. I don’t believe that’s true simply in some ethereal, metaphorical way; it’s a tangible reality, and I believe it down deep in my core. Certain foods are my drug. By eating them, I’m not just having a little indulgence; I’m taking the risk of going on a full-blown bender that could take weeks, months, or years to recover from. Remember, I know that my demons are doing push-ups.
You’ve got to really believe in what you’re doing. Otherwise, when the demons come calling, you won’t put up a fight. You have to take these changes seriously. As best you can, try to look at your poisons the same way a smoker looks at a cigarette, or an alcoholic thinks of a drink. It’s not one taste; it’s not one nibble. If you could manage “just a little” you wouldn’t be overweight to begin with. Your whole lifestyle is at stake. Put up a fight.
• • •
It’s been said that a bad attitude weighs ten pounds. As you embark on your journey, let me help you lose some of that mental weight by starting with the right frame of mind.
Losing weight can be extremely discouraging and frustrating. It requires us to tackle physical cravings, emotional attachments, and logistical challenges, often all at once. Even when you’re actually losing, it can be glacially slow, taking weeks or months of painstaking effort before any noticeable change. That’s why so few people are actually successful at it. If it were easy, everyone would be skinny.
Dealing with the mental challenges of changing your lifestyle is often the hardest. But without overcoming those things, you won’t be able to change the rest. Changing your body really starts with first changing your mind.
When I was in college, I decided that I wanted to lose ten pounds in one month. Since I was nineteen at the time, that wasn’t totally unrealistic. I actually accomplished it, and was thrilled to find myself so tiny, so quickly. But the way I went about it was totally nuts. I drank a diet shake for breakfast and one for lunch, and then had chicken noodle soup for dinner. I took six ephedra diet pills a day, two with each “meal,” and then went running outside, in the heat. It was completely unsustainable and it made me miserable the entire time, full of anxiety over my self-imposed deadline, and counting the days until my diet was over. Needless to say, I gained the weight back just as quickly as I lost it.
When it comes to weight, society places a premium on physical health alone. If you’re thin, the assumption is that you’re healthy. While that may be true for your physical state, health must include your mental state as well. You have to remember that your mental health is as important, if not more, than your waistline.
Commit to making this a mentally healthy, sane, peaceful, calm journey. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re constantly filled with anxiety, stress, discouragement, or self-loathing over your weight loss efforts, then stop right where you are and deal with your state of mind first. I promise that if you keep your mind calm and peaceful, everything else will follow.
Self-love is supremely important. It may sound like ethereal kumbaya nonsense, but being kind to yourself actually makes you stronger. You will eventually start to believe whatever the voice inside your head is telling you. If it’s saying that you’re weak and pathetic, then guess what? That’s exactly what you’ll become. Your internal dialogue shouldn’t be any more harsh than how you’d talk to a friend. It should be encouraging, loving, and positive, even when you are dealing with a legitimate disappointment or challenge.
Stop thinking of things as “good” or “bad.” They are either “productive” or “counterproductive” toward achieving your goals. If you eat way more than you planned, you weren’t bad. You behaved in a way that was counterproductive and need to focus on making more productive choices moving forward. If you sleep through your morning Spin class, you’re not bad; you just didn’t meet that particular goal for starting the day. In both cases, the loving self says, “Hey, what’s really going on. You okay? Was that chocolate cake simply irresistible, or are you overly stressed about something? Were you being lazy by not getting up for class, or did you really need the sleep? Should you try to go to bed earlier tonight?” Care for yourself the same way you do for others.
Keep things in their proper perspective. A candy bar is 250 calories. If you eat one when you planned not to, don’t dwell on it. It’s 250 calories. It’s not the end of the world. Are you going to walk around in the dumps all day because you gained one pound? One pound? Are you really going to let that crush your spirit? The journey is not linear, unfortunately. Sometimes you’ll take a step backward. Keep it in perspective and keep it movin’.
Strength is not only physical. Use the same tactics that get you through a tough workout to get you through your mental challenges. Push through the discomfort of a craving, try to distract yourself, count to ten, think about how much stronger you’ll be on the other side. The same mental tricks that make your body stronger will work on your brain, too.
Don’t fight your nature. This is a battle you’ll never win. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, and think about ways to work with them, not against them.
Set small goals. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Setting small, attainable goals means that you’ll be accomplishing something on a regular basis. That keeps you in a positive space and creates a wonderful momentum.
Expect slow. It’s better that way anyway. Studies have shown that slow, gradual weight loss is more likely to be maintained. What good is losing a ton of weight quickly if you’re just going to put it right back on? Better to lose it slowly and keep it off forever.
Persistence is victory. Just . . . keep . . . going. It doesn’t matter if things aren’t going the way you thought they would or if you’re facing a disappointment. The only defeat is in quitting. If you keep going, you’re winning.
Maintenance is success. If you face a time when you stop losing, focus on the fact that you’re not gaining. Lots of people regain weight they’ve lost, and that really is the only undesirable outcome. If you’re maintaining, acknowledge that for the victory it is.
Celebrate your victories! What’s the point of an accomplishment if you don’t take the time to savor it? Do not be stingy with self-praise. You’ve worked hard, you’ve reached that goal, and you’ve done something good for yourself. You’re amazing! Celebrations are the fuel that powers us through the next challenge. A challenge that you’re now well equipped to handle.