“What was that?” she asked as soon as they were in the truck heading back to Cole’s house.
“What was what?”
Her hand was still warm from when he’d held it. How could he not know what she was referring to? Or maybe, like her, he wanted to be with her again and holding her hand was his way of telling her that. That was exactly why they had started fighting when they were together before. He would do things she didn’t understand, like that time she told him she liked a certain shirt and he had worn it over and over without washing it. She finally told him it stank so bad she wished he’d wear something else. He had completely misunderstood her, and the whole thing erupted into an argument. She couldn’t let that sort of thing happen again. She took a deep breath.
“Maybe holding my hand doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does to me,” she explained slowly, “but we decided things wouldn’t get weird between us. When you do stuff like that, it screws with my head. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”
Cole thought for a minute, his blank expression melting into confusion and then surprise. “I was being supportive,” he said delicately, as if he was stepping on eggshells. “You seemed like you might need to know I was there for you. This is a big step for you.”
“So you were holding my hand as a friend only? It’s not because you were jealous of Nathan?”
He flicked on the heater. “Why would I be jealous of Nathan?”
She closed her eyes, trying to figure out the best way to phrase it. “I thought since Nathan is . . . I mean, he’s . . . he’s good-looking. You saw that, right?”
“Yeah, I can see why you might like him.”
She ran her thumb over the door handle. “I thought you might feel threatened or something and you might want to show him . . . show him you and I are . . .” It came out as a stutter and she couldn’t go on.
“No, I didn’t feel threatened, and that’s not why I took your hand. You can be with whoever you want.” He glanced at her, smiling. Her heart sank. “If you don’t want me to touch you again, just say so. I won’t be offended.”
“It’s not that! I’m just . . . I’m confused, that’s all.”
He shook his head. “Even after our breakup, you’ve been fine with me hugging you, touching your hand, stuff like that. I don’t see how this is any different unless you really are interested in Nathan. If you are, I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry if it confused you.”
She stared out the window. She couldn’t think of anything except his hand in hers, and all because he wanted her to know he was there for her. Of course, she had to jump to conclusions. He was her friend. She wasn’t sure why she kept forgetting that. He was helping her with so many things.
The atmosphere in the truck was sticky with awkward silence. Maggie shifted across the seat and it creaked.
“So,” Cole finally said, turning on the radio, “you think your parents will be okay with all of this? With voice lessons, I mean.”
“I’m not sure how to tell them,” she answered. “I’ve stayed away from all of this for so long because I thought it might hurt them, but I can’t keep away now. I’ve got to do my own thing.”
Cole tapped the steering wheel as a soft expression settled across his face. “I’m proud of you, Maggie. I know how much you’ve held back.”
Crossing her arms, she swallowed down a lump of fear forming in her throat. She didn’t know what voice lessons would do for her, but she hoped it was something good, and she hoped even more that it wouldn’t hurt her parents or their career.
* * *
After dinner, Cole reminded her about driving practice. She helped him clean up the dishes and they climbed into his truck again. She watched out the window as Cole drove to an empty parking lot lit by a few street lamps. They switched seats and he turned on the dome light. It bathed the cabin in yellow.
“This truck is a stick shift,” she said, as if that wasn’t obvious to both of them. Even though she had already passed the written exam ages ago, she was far from feeling ready to learn how to actually drive. Being in charge of so much metal and engine scared her to death. She wasn’t sure why.
“So what?” Cole laughed. “You want to learn how to drive, right?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then let’s start. It’s not scary, I promise.” He pointed to the far left. “That’s the clutch. Push it all the way in with your foot to see how it feels. That’s what you’re going to push every time you change gears or switch to neutral.”
“Okay.” She pushed in the pedal, worried it would do something bad to the truck, but nothing happened.
“This is the gear shift. It’s in neutral right now.” He wiggled the stick shift left and right, then grabbed her hand and placed it where his was. She wiggled the stick back and forth with his fingers still over hers. She looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back, squeezing her hand a little before he looked down and started showing her how to shift gears. First, second, third, fourth, fifth, reverse. She practiced a few times before moving on. He told her about how the clutch worked with the gas, how she had to learn when to switch over, and on and on. Finally, he let her start the truck.
“If you can learn to drive a stick shift, you can drive anything,” he explained as panic spread through her. She was sure he could see it all over her face.
“Okay,” she croaked as the engine hummed.
“Go ahead and switch into first gear.”
Pushing the clutch, she moved the gear shift into position. She slowly released the clutch and pressed on the gas at what she assumed was the correct time. Wrong. The truck lurched forward and stopped. She gasped, unprepared for that kind of a bump.
“You stalled,” Cole explained in the same tender voice he always used to tell her she was out of tune. “It’s normal. Try again.”
She did as he said and stalled the truck again. And again. And again. And again. Tears of frustration rolling down her face, she tried for the sixth time. “I can’t do this,” she whimpered. “I can’t.”
“Sure you can. It’s just like your singing. You’ve never given up on that, so don’t give up on this. Get it once and you’ll do better and better.”
Drying her tears, she nodded and shifted the truck back into neutral and then first. She slowly let go and pressed on the gas. She stalled again, then tried three more times, stalling at the end of each one. Either his truck was extremely touchy or she was just plain stupid.
“Cole! I just . . . I can’t.”
He reached across the space between them and took her face in his hands. “Just once more. If you don’t get it tonight, we’ll try again tomorrow.”
She focused on the feel of his hands, the confidence in his expression. He really believed she could do this. She should too. “Okay.”
Once more, and she finally got it. “I did it!” she screamed, and started rolling through the parking lot at a snail’s pace, afraid to shift to the next gear. The headlights were two bright cones in the darkness.
“Good!” Cole said. “Now switch into second gear. Hear the engine, the sound getting higher? That means you need to shift.”
She knotted her eyebrows. The problem was that she couldn’t hear the engine getting higher. She didn’t want to admit that to Cole, though, and shifted into second when she felt a change in the car’s vibrations instead. It was just like playing her guitar, she realized. A different vibration meant a different sound. She drove a little faster, turning wide circles as she went. Third gear, then into neutral, and she stopped when Cole instructed her to. She didn’t realize she was shaking so much. Her knuckles were white around the steering wheel.
“Thank you so much, Cole,” she said, turning in her seat to give him a hug.
He leaned into her for a moment then they pulled a little away from each other, their faces an inch apart. He smelled so good, and having his mouth so close to hers made her heart race. He looked into her eyes, his joyful expression melting into sadness as he held on to her tighter and tighter and then let go. “Let’s practice a little more and then we’ll get into stuff they’ll probably cover in the driving test.”
She nodded, feeling better than she had in a long time.
* * *
On Sunday morning, Maggie slept in. She could hear Cole making breakfast, but instead of jumping up to join him, she snuggled beneath her blankets and thought about that moment in the parking lot the night before. She was falling for Cole harder than she thought she would. It was no secret how much she cared for him, but living with him was only making her more confused about what she wanted. Falling for someone was a completely different situation than deciding to commit your heart to someone.
You should have seen this coming, Maggie. You should have known.
She thought of his hand on hers as he’d shown her how to shift gears. She thought of his face so close to hers, how much it looked like he’d wanted to kiss her and held back instead.
Spending most of the day in her room, she scribbled lyrics in her notebook. She didn’t want Cole to see her writing. He wouldn’t understand why she had to write. She didn’t even understand it. He would probably tell her that meant it was her destiny, but he’d be wrong.
That night, she agreed to go for a drive after she made grilled cheese sandwiches for supper. She was still picking pieces of bread out of her teeth when she realized Cole was merging onto the freeway.
“Are we going to my parents?” she asked with a crack in her voice.
“It’s been a week. They invited us over for dessert.”
“They did? I didn’t get a message.” She pulled her phone from her pocket and scrolled through her texts. Nothing.
Did they leave her out on purpose? That cut her deeper than she thought it might.
“Do you want me to turn around?”
She took a deep breath and relaxed. “No, they’re expecting us. It’s fine.”
When they walked through the front door, everything was quiet. The entryway was dark as if nobody was home. She and Cole walked into the kitchen, looking around.
“There’s no dessert in here,” he noted with real disappointment, as if dessert was the only reason they’d come. “I swore Sandy told me seven o’clock. Are they still at church or something?”
Maggie snorted. “Have you ever seen them go to church? I don’t think they’ve been for five years.”
Cole turned in a circle, apparently hoping the dessert would magically appear. “You’re right.” He grabbed her hand. “Let’s search the rest of the house.”
“Cole! What if they’re . . . what if they’re arguing or something? I don’t want to—”
“You worry too much.” He dragged her into the dining room. Nothing. The sitting room. Nothing. The living room. Nothing. The music room. Nothing. They turned to leave just as the lights switched on and a bunch of voices yelled out, “Surprise!”
Maggie let out a squeak and jumped closer to Cole, who was laughing now as they both turned to see her parents and the whole band standing together. There was a hand-drawn banner strung up across the room. It said “We’ll Miss You, Cole!” and Maggie’s throat swelled. They’d planned a party . . . without involving her. She was happy and irritated at the same time.
“Sneaky,” Cole chuckled as Todd rushed forward and gave him a manly hug followed by a thump on the back.
“You deserve a proper goodbye,” he said, stepping away. Maggie could tell he was trying not to be emotional. She thought if Ray ever left the band, it would bring her dad to his knees in a fit of tears.
“Thanks, you guys.” Cole took off his hat and held it to his chest. He stroked the brim with his thumb. Maggie wanted to hug him. “I’m really . . . I’m sorry I’m leaving. I’m going to miss all of you, but it’s not like we can’t see each other now and then, right?”
“Exactly,” Lynnette answered as she let go of her husband and rushed to Cole. She gave him a quick hug. “Let’s get this party started then, huh?”
“Sure,” Cole laughed. “But where’s this dessert Sandy promised me?”
Sandy smiled and pointed to a platter full of éclairs, Cole’s favorite. He grinned and put his hat back on his head, leading Maggie over to an ice chest filled with beer. “You want one?” he asked, grabbing the bottle opener to pop the lid off a bottle.
“Sure.” She turned to see her mom over in the corner, fiddling with her guitar. She and Ray looked like they were going to play something.
Cole grabbed them both a beer and they sat on the sofa next to Mark and Ben, who looked like they’d gotten a good head start on the drinking. Lynnette came over and sat next to Maggie. “How you doing, sweetie?” She wrapped an arm around Maggie’s shoulders and squeezed. “How’s Cole’s place? Pigsty? Your mom told me you moved in.”
Cole was deep in conversation with Mark, so Maggie twisted to look at Lynnette. “No, he’s kept it really clean since I’ve been there, and I’ve helped out too.” She lowered her voice and glanced at her mom. “How much does everyone know about what’s going on? Nobody’s acting like anything is wrong.”
Lynnette frowned. “They haven’t told anybody anything, except me and Daniel.”
“So nobody knows I’m living at Cole’s place?”
“They think you were hanging out together tonight, that’s all—a distraction so Cole wouldn’t suspect the surprise party.”
“Right.” She took a sip of beer. All at once, she wanted to drink ten of them. “How long are they going to keep the secret?”
“I don’t know, but have you looked closely at your mother lately?”
“Huh?” Maggie took a long chug from her bottle and watched her mom as she bent over to grab something. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a pretty yellow sweater. She looked like her normal self. She even had her usual happiest-person-ever look on her face. When she started playing and looked at Ray with a beaming smile, Maggie could hardly believe there was something wrong in her life. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Something besides Dad?”
Lynnette stretched out her legs and took a deep breath. “Pay attention for a while, that’s all I’m saying. I think there’s a lot more going on with this divorce than they’re admitting.”
She said the word “divorce” so quietly Maggie almost missed it. Daniel came over then, and Lynnette turned all her attention to him. Maggie sulked on the sofa and listened to Cole gabbing away with Mark and Ben about drum stuff. Her dad was drinking and laughing with Aaron and Scott. Everyone was so happy and busy except for her. With a sigh, she got up and left the room. It was weird to feel so alone, and yet all she wanted was to be even more alone.
She dragged herself upstairs, gulping down her beer until it was gone and the barely-there buzz relaxed her as she flopped onto her bed and buried her face in the pillows. They smelled musty. What did Lynnette mean there was more to the divorce? Her dad cheated and her mom was pissed off. That was all there was to it.
Just as she was drifting off, her phone rang and she slipped it from her pocket. Grace. She felt divided between wanting to ignore the call and wanting to answer it with a bright, shiny, “Grace! I miss you!” It would be the first time she and Grace had talked since she left.
Finally, she pushed the button to accept the call and rolled onto her back as she placed the phone to her ear. “Hi, Grace.” Her voice sounded so flat.
“Maggie! Girl, I’ve missed you! How are you?”
Maggie knew she had two choices. She could spill everything to Grace and end up crying into her pillow as she clung to the phone and ached for her friend, or she could clam up and pretend she was as happy as Grace sounded. She moved her fingers to her chest where she felt the shape of Grace’s necklace beneath her shirt. She had to go with option number one.
“I miss you, Grace,” she said, practically choking on her words as she thought about how her parents had left her out of all the party planning. She thought of her mom’s red eyes, her dad’s sad expressions. She thought of that little crease between Cole’s eyes—a dead giveaway that he was hurting and not telling a soul. Like when he had broken his thumb, something inside him was damaged and he was hiding it from everybody despite the pain. Why ask for help when you could shoulder your problems on your own?
There was a long pause before Grace asked, “What’s the matter, Maggie? Something’s wrong.”
Of course she would know something was wrong. “I . . . I have so much to tell you.”
“Then I’ll listen. Just talk.”
For the next forty minutes, Maggie spilled it all. Tears ran down her cheeks until her shirt collar was soaking wet. Grace listened quietly, and Maggie imagined herself in Grace’s old bedroom, surrounded by familiarity she would never have again. Grace was in such a different world now. When she finished, Grace sniffed.
“I’m so sorry about your parents,” she said. “Seriously, that’s got to suck. And you moved out, and you’re still in love with Cole, and what about that hot voice teacher? How are you going to take voice lessons from someone that hot?”
“I have no idea. All my other voice teachers were old people who thought they were the center of the musical universe. This guy is different.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re doing something you want to do. That’s all that matters right now. If Cole gets to be too much, then you’ll just have to move out, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Grace sniffed again, and then it sounded like she was blowing her nose. It softened Maggie to the core to think she was crying too.
“Sorry,” Grace said, sniffing again. “I just . . . I’m so sad I’m not there to help you when you’re going through so much. Why haven’t you called me?”
“You’re going through a lot too. How is it?”
A long, happy sigh. “It’s awesome. I’ve already met, like, eight guys who want to go out with me even though I’m already taken. I love the campus, and I love my apartment and my roommates. It’s so much fun. I can’t wait for school to start.”
Maggie laughed. “Only my Grace would say she can’t wait for school to start.”
“I get to take higher courses! Think about it—all those science classes.”
“Maybe you’ll meet an astronomy nerd you like better than Trent.”
“Oh, hell no. I’m probably going to move in with him next year, did I tell you that? He’s looking at renting a condo for us with the money his parents gave him. Rich, generous parents rock! Things are so good with us right now.”
“And . . . marriage? What about that?”
She giggled. “I think it’ll come with the condo.”
Maggie couldn’t stop smiling. She was so happy for Grace. Her tears started to dry as Grace went on and on about her and Trent and her new apartment and roommates. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “If you ever need a place to go, Maggie, you’re welcome here, no matter what’s going on.”
Maggie squeezed her eyes shut, glad she had answered the phone call. “Thanks, Grace. That means the world to me.”