Maggie packed her stuff in less than ten minutes. By then, Cole was knocking on her door.
“Can I please come in?” he asked. Of course he didn’t barge in. Not Cole. Not sweet, polite, deceitful Cole.
Maggie pulled her guitar case over her shoulder and grabbed both her bags before yanking open the door. “Sure, come in,” she snapped as she squeezed past him. “I’m leaving, so the room’s all yours—pink rug and all.”
“Leaving? Do you need me to drive you back home?”
Halfway down the hallway, she turned around to face him. “I don’t want to go home. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m not staying here a second longer. I thought I knew you, Cole. I . . . I have no idea who you are. You haven’t ever really let me in, have you?”
Maybe he had and she’d forgotten. She remembered the night in the bed of his truck, holding his hand under tables when she didn’t think her parents could see them, the way he’d kiss her so sweetly whenever he could see she needed a pick-me-up. He was always so attentive, and she wanted that again, but it was buried beneath so much complication. She wanted to push it away and she didn’t know how.
“Maggie, I’ve tried to let you in,” Cole said as she started walking again. “I was afraid, like I told you . . .”
Her eyes stinging, she stopped near the end of the hallway and stared at the front door. She could leave and never look back, but she knew her heart would break in the process. None of this felt right.
“I’m sorry,” she said without turning around. “I’m sorry, Cole.” Leaning her guitar and the rest of her luggage against the wall, she covered her face with her hands and fought with all her might to keep her tears inside. She didn’t want to overreact. She didn’t want to think her life was falling apart all around her, but that was what it felt like. Her shoulders slumped and a fluttery feeling spread through her when Cole pressed a hand against her back.
“Don’t leave, Maggie. Let me tell you everything first, okay? I want you to understand.”
She nodded as a few tears escaped and rolled down her face. She lowered her hands and turned around. Cole’s eyes were wet and he was pale.
“Cole!” Justin called out from the back door. “You want us to leave?”
Cole looked past Maggie even though the back door wasn’t visible from the hallway. “No!” he yelled back. “Stay as late as you want.” He took Maggie’s hand and led her down the hallway to his bedroom, where he closed the door and nudged her toward a beanbag chair that matched the one downstairs. She sat down on it with a heavy sigh. Cole sat on the edge of his bed and rested his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward.
“I’m sorry I told the others before I told you,” he said as she folded her arms and listened. “It’s because they wouldn’t stop asking me why I left Down Sugar Road, and knowing about my son doesn’t affect them the way it will affect you.”
She held her breath, expanding her chest as she closed her eyes for a moment. He has a son. That phrase repeated over and over in her head. It changed her whole view of him, whether she wanted it to or not.
“Just tell me the whole story, please. I think you owe me that much.”
Opening her eyes, she saw him staring down at his floor. She had never been in his room before. It was messier than the rest of the house. She looked at the electric and acoustic guitars on a stand in the corner, surrounded by several pairs of jeans thrown onto the floor. There had to be at least six drumsticks tossed under his bed with an old keyboard. A bookshelf across from her was filled with science fiction novels. She had no idea he read science fiction.
“I was sixteen when I met Mary,” he began as she turned back to him. He was still staring at the carpet. “I’ve told you about her before.”
“Yeah, I remember.” Not that you’d ever tell me any more than that.
“Anyway, it was when my parents were divorcing and my dad found out about his heart disease, so you can imagine what my life was like. Nothing was stable. I was failing in school, started drinking behind my mom’s back when Dad moved out, and I spent every second with Mary. She lived down the road from me. Her parents were never home either.”
Maggie could imagine where that led, especially in his basement when they were “practicing music.”
“We were inseparable. Mom hated her. She hated that Mary smoked pot and drank and did drugs and was generally going to ruin my life. You know how that goes.”
She raised her eyebrows and nodded. As much as her parents had tried to raise her in a bubble, she had seen her fair share of drugs and alcohol. Cole looked into her eyes.
“I ended up getting her pregnant,” he continued with a slight wince. “That was around the time we graduated high school. It wasn’t planned, obviously. I wanted to get married and so did she . . . but she also wanted an abortion.”
“Oh.” Maggie said it out loud, trying not to sound too surprised. So that was what he’d meant by things getting out of hand. It made sense now, but all she could think of was her mom bleeding on the bathroom floor, mourning the loss of the baby she wanted to keep. At least, Maggie had thought she wanted to keep it. Now she wasn’t so sure.
“Mary set up the appointment for an abortion and I was supposed to go with her,” Cole said, his voice shakier now. “When the day came, I decided I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal with the abortion. I couldn’t deal with Mary. I couldn’t deal with growing up like that. It wasn’t what I’d planned for my life at all. So, in my selfish rage, I packed up everything I had, stole my mom’s stash of emergency money, and took a bus to California. Mary didn’t try to contact me after that. Mom swears she told her where I went, but I guess abandoning her like that was something she couldn’t get over. She didn’t want anything to do with me.” He held his breath for a moment. “I don’t blame her.”
So he was ashamed because he’d left her. Now it was making sense. Kind of.
“But she didn’t go through with the abortion?” she asked as she looked down at her hands. They were still black from the fire. Dirt and ash were stuffed underneath her fingernails.
“I finished school,” Cole said in a determined voice, ignoring her question. She could tell he was plowing through as best he could. “I met the right people and auditioned for your parents. The timing was perfect. I was happy for the first time in a long time, especially when I started getting to know you. I had never been happier in my whole life than I was those four years with Down Sugar Road.”
She smiled, remembering when he first joined the band, how nervous he had seemed to talk to her. There had been a certain sort of sadness around him, but it had faded quickly. Now it was back, and she felt so sad that he’d lost his dream.
“But you know all that,” he sighed. “Then, right before CMA this year, I got a call from a doctor here in Denver. They told me my son was in a car accident and his mom was dead. Mary’s mom died a few years ago, and I guess nobody knows where her dad is. I’m all Andy has left.”
Cole stared down at his own fingernails now. Maggie looked at the bookshelf again. What else didn’t she know about Cole? The thought excited and shamed her at the same time. She should know him better than she did.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “About Mary . . . about all of it.”
“I went to her funeral before we left for CMA,” he said, still concentrating on his hands. “Only a few of her friends were there. She didn’t look at all like I remember her. So much older, like she’d been through hell.”
“Her death isn’t your fault, Cole.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was trying to believe her but couldn’t. “I didn’t know Andy existed until that phone call,” he said almost reverently. “Here I was, living with the guilt of abandoning my pregnant girlfriend before her abortion, and the whole time she was raising our son. I thought she’d had the abortion. I thought she never wanted to see me again. Now she’s dead, and I have a seven-year-old son who can’t walk and hasn’t said one word since the day I met him.”
Maggie’s mouth dropped open. “Can’t walk? What—”
“Andy was injured in the accident,” Cole interrupted. “He’s in a rehabilitation center for spinal injuries and brain damage. They told me he spoke just fine before the accident, but now he doesn’t talk at all. Nathan has been using music therapy to help him, but it’s slow going. Andy is . . . well, even before the accident he was slower than other kids his age. The doctors said it’s probably a combination of fetal alcohol syndrome and malnourishment. Mary tried to clean herself up and take care of Andy on her own, but she was dirt poor. There I was making so much money I could have paid for their lives ten times over, and she couldn’t even afford groceries.” He let out a heavy sigh and continued. “He’s not in good shape. He’s getting better now, but it’s a lot of work, and it’s crucial for me to be a part of it. That’s where I’ve been going every day.”
Maggie swallowed a lump in her throat as Cole looked away and bit his bottom lip to keep his tears inside. She could see how torn up he was, how telling her all of this was killing him. But she wasn’t going to judge him. Whatever he thought he’d done wrong was in the past.
“I’m angry at myself for everything, Maggie,” he choked out. “I’m angry for being so selfish that I left Mary, for never trying to find her again, for not being able to forgive my dad, for not trying to fix my relationship with my mom, for screwing up everything with you because I’ve been too afraid to tell you the truth. But no matter how angry I am, Andy needs me. He needs me with him almost every day, and I couldn’t keep living that life with your parents and be there for Andy too—be the father he needs me to be for him. I didn’t want to tell you because—”
“You were afraid I would judge you,” she blurted out. “You were afraid we would judge you for leaving Mary.”
He slid off the edge of the bed until he was sitting on the floor. He leaned against the mattress, pulled his knees to his chest, and covered his face with his hands. “It’s not just that. What have you wanted more than anything your whole life?” His voice was muffled by his hands.
Her stomach twisted as she thought about her lyrics burning in the fire. She’d wanted so badly to erase music from her life, but the answer to Cole’s question came so readily to her tongue. “To sing,” she said.
“Like your parents, right? You want a singing career.”
She kept her mouth closed as she watched him trying to hide from her. The truth was she didn’t know where her heart was now. She automatically reached up to touch Grace’s necklace. Dreams. What were her dreams? After tonight, she didn’t know. Maybe singing on stage wasn’t what she’d thought. Maybe her failure was a sign. Or maybe it was simply a hurdle she had to get over so she could keep going. Like Cole had told her, every musician messed up at some point.
“I don’t know what I want right now,” she said softly as Cole finally looked up at her. He had let his tears free, and they trailed down his face.
“I can promise you one thing,” he said, sniffing. “You don’t want me. I come with things that will hold you back. Andy isn’t a burden for me, but for you . . . he’s such a huge part of my life that he’d have to be a huge part of your life too. He won’t be at that rehabilitation center forever—there’s no way I can possibly afford it for much longer. Soon, he’ll be here and he’ll need me even more than he does now. You’re only twenty, and if we were together . . .”
As his voice trailed off and the obvious meaning of his words sank in, Maggie saw everything come together. Staying with Cole in a serious relationship meant she would be . . . what . . . a mother? Or at least a mother figure with shared responsibilities she couldn’t even fathom at the moment.
You’re only twenty.
“Cole, I . . .”
“No, Maggie.” He looked hard at her and sat upright. “I won’t ask you to make that kind of sacrifice for me, no matter how much you care about me, no matter how much you want to be with me. I thought leaving the band would fix everything. I thought—”
She narrowed her eyes and he stopped talking. “Being with you . . . and Andy . . . wouldn’t mean giving up on my dreams.”
He shook his head. “You don’t know that. It might hold you back more than you think.”
“Might,” she said in a thin voice as anger crept in. “How dare you keep this from me? You love me, and you’ve been holding back, haven’t you? You’ve been holding back because of Andy. That’s why you never wanted to go all the way with me when we were together—because you were afraid to get someone else pregnant. That’s why you broke up with me, isn’t it?”
He blinked.
“Isn’t it?” Her voice sounded angrier than she wanted, but now that everything was making more sense, she didn’t know how else to keep it contained. It was leaking through every word out of her mouth.
“Yes,” he said, blinking again. “Yes.”
“So you . . . you do love me?”
He nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Yes . . . but it’s more than that. I’m in love with you, Maggie. Friends can love each other, sure, but with you it’s so much more. It always has been, but I . . . this can’t . . .” His voice trailed off into silence.
It was her turn to blink. In love with her. His words surrounded her like a sheet of warm silk. She looked at him, the space between them thick with emotions she didn’t know how to process. She was upset and confused and happy and relieved at the same time.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said after a few moments of silence. “I love you too, Cole. I’ve always loved you. I don’t know if I’m in love with you . . . maybe I am. I just want you to know I would never judge you for making mistakes in your past, and I think you’re an angel for dropping everything for your son. I wish you had told me sooner, that’s all.”
He nodded, as if he’d known this all along. “It’s so much to ask,” he whispered. “When you meet Andy, you’ll understand. You have so much potential, so much ahead of you. Your voice is incredible. I know you messed up tonight, but if you keep at it, you’ll be as successful as your parents.”
“I could do that with you right by me, Cole.” She gritted her teeth. “And I’m not a baby. Twenty isn’t that young. I’m trying to be more independent.”
“I know you are, but don’t you want to experience all of that on your own? Or at least with someone who won’t hold you back?”
She didn’t know how to answer that. He made it sound like once she made a decision to be with him, her life of excitement and freedom would be over. He was afraid of tying her down, and she supposed he had a right to feel that way. Jumping into a relationship complete with a seven-year-old handicapped child was daunting. She wasn’t naïve enough to think it would be a walk in the park, no matter how much she loved Cole.
“I don’t know,” she muttered as she put a hand to her forehead. “I don’t know anything right now.”
Her phone beeped in her hand. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding it all this time. She looked at the screen.
Text message from Nathan Hayes.
She hesitated, her thumb hovering over the “view” button. Finally, she pushed it.
Is everything okay? Haven’t heard from you about how it went tonight.
Wincing, she glanced at Cole and gave him a weak smile. “Sorry. Nathan wants to know how it went tonight. I should probably tell him.”
Cole’s face fell at the mention of Nathan’s name.
“You’re jealous of him, aren’t you?” she asked, remembering the last time she’d asked him the same question.
He shrugged. “I don’t have any right to be jealous of anyone you might like. We broke up, remember?”
“Still, you’re jealous.”
He glanced at the ceiling. “Yeah, a little, but I was the one who introduced you to him.”
“Because you want me to chase my dream.”
“Something like that.”
“What do you mean ‘something like that’?”
He wet his lips and looked away. “Nothing, Mags.”
Her throat constricted as she looked back at her phone and typed a message to Nathan.
Tonight didn’t go very well. How did your exam go?
She hit send and waited for an answer as she shifted in the beanbag chair. She was suddenly tired, her eyelids heavy like paperweights. She ran her thumb across the screen on her phone. Cole kept his eyes on his bookshelf.
“Maybe it’s best if you move out,” he said softly without looking at her. “We can’t live together now that you know how I feel. It’ll be too complicated and awkward. As much as I hate to say it, Andy complicates everything.”
Her heart sank. “I see what you’re saying, Cole, but what about you? What do you want?”
He ran his fingers across the outer seam on his jeans, blinking a few times before he finally focused on the chain around her neck. “I think now that you know everything, you should take some time just for yourself—away from me.”
Her nose started to tingle right at the spot between her eyes. She sucked on her top lip, trying to make it stop, trying to hold everything inside before she completely lost control of herself.
“Okay, Cole,” she said slowly as she twisted herself to the left so she could stand up. He moved to help her, but she was up before he got to his feet. “I’ll . . . I’ll leave, then.”
Panic crossed his face. “Well, I didn’t mean tonight.”
She shook her head as the tingling in her nose worsened. She was going to burst into tears right in front of him, and it wouldn’t be pretty. She could tell it would be one of those meltdowns that would last for hours, complete with emptying an entire box of tissues. She had to calm down. “No, I can’t stay, not like this. I’ve got to leave. I’ll see if Krista can take me home.”
She rushed out of his bedroom, down the hall, and out to the back yard where everyone was still drinking. “Krista,” she said in as steady a voice as she could. “Can you give me a ride?”
Krista looked up, her expression filled with concern. “Of course. Right now?”
Maggie sniffed as the tingling in her nose finally subsided. “Yes, please.” She turned and went back inside to get her stuff. Cole was already picking it up in the hallway.
“I’ll help you out to the car,” he said in a deflated voice. “I’m sorry, Maggie.”
She folded her arms and tried to decipher his expression, but it was blank. She followed him out to Krista’s car. Krista popped the trunk open and started the engine. Cole put her stuff inside then shut the lid.
“Bye, Mags.”
His eyes were hard as he pulled her into a warm hug filled with his scent. It made her want to cry. It made her want to tell him she would stay with him forever, would sacrifice anything for him, even singing. But she didn’t know if that was true.