The first thing Maggie noticed when Grace appeared over the video chat on her phone was her canary-yellow hair. It wasn’t just streaked yellow. It was all yellow.
“Wow,” Maggie said as Grace ran a hand down her hair. The video picture was a little pixelated and slow, but it was better than nothing. “Is that a problem with my phone or is your hair really that color?”
Grace grinned. “Isn’t it fantastic?”
“It’s definitely eye-catching.”
“Thought you’d say so. I get double takes everywhere. It’s so much fun.”
Maggie peered more closely at the screen. “Did you pierce your nose?”
“Yep!” Grace pressed her face so close to the screen that all Maggie could see was a blurry mass of skin and a possible speck of a diamond stud.
“I see,” she laughed.
Grace pulled away. “So, what’s up? You want to see my apartment? Why haven’t we video-chatted before?”
“I’ve been busy,” Maggie answered, shrugging. “Voice lessons, working on my driver’s license—which I could probably get anytime now—and dealing with my parents’ divorce . . . oh, and finding out that Cole has a son.”
There was a long silence as Grace’s excited expression crumbled into confusion. “He what?”
“Just like that, out of the blue, he has a son. And get this. He told his band before he told me.”
Grace seemed speechless, just as Maggie had felt last night when she’d found out. She looked up at the windows in Nathan’s living room. The early afternoon sun was warm as it filtered into the room through the open blinds. It fell across the sofa bed, which Maggie hadn’t folded up yet. She was still in her yoga pants and T-shirt, having slept through Nathan getting up and leaving for his exam. He’d left her a note on the coffee table.
“I have a lot to tell you, Grace,” she said as she leaned back on her pillow and held the phone above her face.
Grace squinted. “Where are you? That doesn’t look like your bed.”
“Yeah, like I said, I have a lot to tell you.”
Her mouth dropping open, Grace widened her eyes. “Are you in Cole’s bed? Did you finally break your virgin streak?” She let out a little squeal. “Details, Maggie!”
Maggie kept a straight face as she remembered last night, the way she’d said she was tired and wanted to sleep, the way Nathan had apologized and told her he hoped she would think about staying. She’d said she’d sleep on it.
“It’s not Cole’s bed,” she explained. “It’s my voice teacher’s sofa bed . . . and no, we did not sleep together, even though I wanted to.”
Grace’s eyes got even wider. “You do have a lot to tell me.”
Maggie squeezed her eyes shut as the overwhelming need to burst into tears took over. She still hadn’t let everything out yet. She was waiting for the right moment to completely fall apart, but the fear of losing control like that was too much. She had to hold it together, and Grace could help her do that. “I miss you, Grace. I wish . . . I wish you were here.”
When Maggie opened her eyes, Grace was frowning and looking away from the camera. “I don’t have anything going on this week,” she said softly as she flipped through something off to the side. “Do you want me to come down there?”
Maggie laughed. “It’s two thousand miles away!”
“So? I can fly.”
“Can you afford that?”
“Trent can.”
Chewing on her bottom lip, Maggie shook her head. “No, that’s stupid. I won’t make you spend his money just to come comfort my poor little self. Besides, Christmas is next week.”
“It’s not stupid, Maggie. You’re my best friend and you obviously need me. Trent and me were planning on coming there to see his parents for Christmas, anyway. We’ll just come a week earlier.”
Best friend? Maggie sat up a little. She’d thought for sure her friendship with Grace would dissipate as fast as all her other friendships had in the past. She was sure Grace wouldn’t even try to hold on. Nobody had ever tried to hold on. Even Cole seemed like he wanted her to go her own way now that he thought of himself as some big old burden.
“Well, thanks,” she whispered. “I’d love that.”
Grace nodded. “Let me look at flights and stuff. I’ll text you later when we’ll be there.”
Maggie squeezed her eyes shut against more tears, but these ones were happy. It was a nice change.
* * *
When Nathan came home from his exam, Maggie had showered and dressed, but still hadn’t put away the sofa bed. She was trying to fold it back in place when he walked through the door.
“Oh, that’s a little tricky,” he said, dropping his bag and rushing over to her. “Let me help.”
They both grunted as they lifted the heavy contraption and folded it back into place. When they finished, Nathan collapsed onto the sofa and stretched his arms across the back. “Does this mean you’re leaving?” he asked as he looked up at her.
She felt her shoulders slump as she sat on the edge of the table across from the sofa. “I don’t know,” she answered truthfully. “Last night was confusing.”
He nodded. “I understand, but think about everything that happened yesterday. You had the show, and that didn’t end well, and then Cole told you he’s in love with you—and about Andy—and somewhere in there you were drinking. Then you came here and—”
“I’m sorry,” she interrupted. “I’m sorry about all of that, I really am. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at you like that.”
“I did my fair share of throwing,” he laughed, then his expression turned serious as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “The truth is I don’t want to get in the way. If things might work out between you and Cole, I don’t want to mess it up.”
She tried not to roll her eyes, but couldn’t stop herself. “Would you forget about Cole, please? I like you. A lot. I love Cole as a friend, yes, but he’s dumped this huge bombshell on me and I have no idea how to deal with any of it. I thought I wanted to be with him, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment with him—with anyone, honestly. And he’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t want me near him right now. With you . . . we still don’t even know each other yet. Don’t you want to explore that, at least? I can’t put my life on hold to figure out how I feel about Cole. I’ve got to figure out where I’m going to live, what I’m going to do.” She paused and looked into Nathan’s ocean-blue eyes and tried not to melt at how sincerely he focused on her. “And I’d like you to be a part of that.”
He nodded as he leaned back into the sofa.
“Do you want to be a part of it?” she asked when he didn’t say anything.
He kept nodding. “Yes, Maggie, I do.”
“Then I guess I’m staying for a few days,” she said, relieved at finally making a choice. A grin broke out across her face. “So, did you used to have piercings?”
“What?” He lifted a hand up to his right ear. “Uh, yeah, back when I started college. I was a bit of a rebel, I guess.”
“Like my friend Grace,” she said. “She just dyed her hair bright yellow and pierced her nose.”
Nathan kept rubbing his ear lobe, a distant look in his eyes. “I was in a heavy metal band and shaved my head. I even wore leather pants.”
She straightened, trying not to look too shocked. “Are you kidding?”
“Nope.”
“But you seem so . . . conservative.”
“I do, don’t I?”
She leaned forward as she stifled a laugh. “Do you want to tell me more? I’m trying to imagine you bald.”
Standing, he held out a hand and she put hers inside it. “You don’t have to imagine. I’ll show you pictures. Then we can go pick up a Christmas tree. I’m behind on the holiday decorating, and a tree is about all I can do this year.”
She let him help her up. “Christmas is my mom’s favorite holiday,” she said softly as she followed him down the hallway. “She likes to decorate, and we get to see family we usually don’t see all year long.” Not that she wanted to see them. She didn’t feel close to any of them. How was all of that going to work out this year?
“That sounds nice,” Nathan said as he led her into his bedroom and over to an open closet filled with neatly hung clothes on the rack and instrument cases on the floor. “I love Christmas, but my family’s not able to get together this year, so I haven’t been very motivated to get into the spirit.” He reached up to the top shelf of the closet and pulled down a white box. As he carried it over to his perfectly made bed, Maggie glanced around his room. It was as clean as the rest of his apartment, but a few telling details let her know he wasn’t completely anal. There were some dirty clothes on the floor by the hamper, as if he’d thrown them across the room and missed. His dresser top was covered with a half inch of dust, and there was a coffee stain on his nightstand, along with a dirty plate covered with toast crumbs.
“So, you ready to laugh?” he asked as he opened the box.
She leaned forward. “Absolutely.”
* * *
“The thing about country,” Nathan said as they drove to the Christmas tree farm behind Cole’s house, “is some of it doesn’t sound so country, if you know what I mean.” He fiddled with the station until he found a country station and turned up the volume. It was a song by a popular singer Maggie’s parents couldn’t stand. Not that they’d ever say that in public.
“Oh, her,” she laughed. “She tries to float between rock and country. It could work if she actually understood country music. Her lyrics are all wrong and she ends up sounding so desperate.”
“Desperate?”
“Yeah, like she wants approval from all the rock fans, but still wants acceptance from the country crowd too. You can’t have both if you don’t understand both, and she does not understand country. That side of her music feels empty.”
Nathan’s eyebrows furrowed. “I guess that makes sense.”
“If you want real country, you’re on the wrong station.” She turned the knob to her favorite station, and Nathan visibly cringed as George Jones’ deep voice and true country twang burst through the speakers. Maggie leaned her head on the leather headrest and smiled.
Nathan drove some sort of SUV she’d never heard of because all she really knew was trucks. A pang of guilt twisted her insides as she remembered all the times she’d seen Cole underneath his truck or bent over the engine. She wasn’t sure how to feel about going to the tree farm to pick out a tree with Nathan. But this was what she needed. She smiled at the thought of sifting through Nathan’s old band pictures, seeing him her age as he pushed himself through that awkward stage of figuring out who he was. Grace was doing that too, but what about her? She wasn’t doing anything wild with her hair. She wasn’t piercing her body or experimenting with drugs or doing anything remotely rebellious.
“Country is simple,” she said after a heavy sigh. Nathan seemed to be relaxing a little, at least. She guessed his favorite music was instrumental, so original country was probably a bit much for him. “It’s all about heart and basic emotions. It doesn’t pretend. It cuts straight to the chase, straight to the core of what it wants to say. God, patriotism, hard work, loyalty to your lover, staying true to yourself—you know, good old American stories and values. It all goes back to roots.”
And that was exactly why she loved it. She shouldn’t have burned all her stuff last night. She still hadn’t told Nathan she’d done that.
“Most of the songs tell stories,” Nathan remarked with a smile. “Right?”
“The good ones, yes.”
“About horses and tractors and lots of beer.” There was a teasing note in his voice and she leaned over and punched him in the shoulder.
“Ouch!”
“I will defend country to my dying breath, so watch what you say.”
He cringed as he stifled a laugh. “Duly noted.”
She smirked at his use of the word duly. “But I’ll admit there are a lot of clichés,” she laughed. They were approaching the tree farm. The entrance was far away from Cole’s house. At least he wouldn’t know she was here.
“I love country,” she whispered, surprised when she said it out loud. “It’s . . .”
It was Cole and guitars and her parents on stage living their dreams and loving each other for so many years. It was her roots, who she was at the very core, and she didn’t know how to explain that to anyone. Cole understood it. She wasn’t sure Nathan did, or if he ever could. How much did that matter to her? But Nathan did understand music, and that was a huge thing. Maybe that was all that mattered.
“It’s what?” he asked as he parked the car and undid his seatbelt.
She blinked slowly and tried to erase the image of all her lyrics curling into ashes and flame. It was frightening that she’d thought more about burning those lyrics than she had about messing up on stage.
“It’s . . . nothing,” she answered with a shrug. “I forgot what I was going to say.”
She was halfway out of the car when she felt Nathan’s hand on her shoulder. “Did you really?” he asked.
She turned to see a serious expression on his face. That look again, like she was the only important person in his world.
“Can we talk about it later?”
“Sure.”
She closed her door and headed straight for the business end of the tree farm where they were loading up wagons for family rides and a fat man dressed as Santa was handing out candy canes to little kids.
“I take it you want a small tree?” she asked as they headed for a group of men shaking out a tree before it was wrapped and tied to the top of a van. It was a huge tree, probably the size her mom would get for the house. Her heart sank. She wasn’t home for all of that decorating and celebrating. She was missing out on something they had done together every Christmas since she was born. Was her dad there? Were they hoping she would call or drop by? Christmas was in a week and she hadn’t told them she would be there. She knew she’d just seen them last night, but it wasn’t like they’d had a bonding moment or anything. More like the opposite.
“Yeah, it can’t be too big,” Nathan answered as they waited for a salesperson to notice them. “It has to fit into the elevator or we’ll have to drag it up the stairs.”
She was staring at her phone when he said this, her finger poised above her home number.
“Maggie?”
She looked up at Nathan watching her with a curious expression. He was so patient with her, and it made her smile.
“I’m sorry. I was wondering if I should call my parents.”
She realized Nathan knew nothing about the divorce. He didn’t know about her mom’s miscarriage or her dad’s cheating. Nathan didn’t know a lot of things about her. He didn’t know that despite everything going on, she loved the way the cold, fresh air felt against her face right now. He didn’t know the cardigan she had on underneath her coat was her security blanket and how Cole had once spent two hours crawling around backstage looking for a button that fell off. He didn’t know how much she loved summer afternoons riding in Cole’s truck on dirt roads, so much dust caked on her skin she was practically chocolate brown. But he was patient, and he knew she needed someone right now, and she loved that he’d shown her his embarrassing pictures and that he’d respected her enough last night to keep her from doing something she wasn’t sure she wanted yet.
“I can give you some space,” he said after glancing at her phone. “Do you want to go sit in the car? I can pick a tree myself.”
That was what he was going to do anyway before she had shown up at his place last night. Maybe he preferred to do this with someone, though. Christmas was better shared, right? She slipped the phone back into her pocket and shook her head.
“No, I want to help you choose. I can call later.”
She was rewarded with a smile. “Let’s get some hot chocolate and take a wagon ride, then.”
She laughed. “That’s for little kids and families.”
He was about to respond, but she could tell he wasn’t sure what to say. It’s also for friends? And couples? And two people like us who have no idea where they stand with each other right now?
Before things got too awkward, she grabbed his hand and squeezed then let go just as quickly.
“That sounds great. Let’s go.”
* * *
The wagon ride was fun and the hot chocolate was the perfect blend of sweet and bitter. She squeezed the Styrofoam cup in her hands and sat close to Nathan. It hadn’t started snowing yet, but it looked like it might any second. The dark clouds were heavy and sagging and the daylight was so diffused it made the trees a richer green than normal. Nathan saw one he thought was perfect for his apartment, so they took note of where it was.
When they returned to the front of the farm, Nathan helped her off the wagon and they headed over to the employees. Halfway across the lot, she stopped dead in her tracks. She supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised to see her mom since they came to this tree farm as a family every Christmas. Maybe it was seeing her mother there alone that shocked her.
Nathan stopped and touched her arm. “What’s the matter?”
“My mom,” she said, staring at the back of Sandy’s head. She was standing by the little hot chocolate stand in her fitted pink coat, a pink-and-brown striped beanie hat shoved over her hair. Maggie would have recognized her from a million miles away, no matter what she wore. Her boots, her jeans, the way she stood with her weight on her left leg and her right hand on her hip. She was waiting for her hot chocolate and everything seemed fine until she grabbed her cup and turned so Maggie could see her face. Her cheeks were splotchy and her eyes looked puffy.
Maggie stumbled forward. Her mom didn’t cry in public. She didn’t do anything remotely imperfect in public.
“Where?” Nathan asked, and Maggie pointed her out.
“Oh, I wouldn’t have recognized her without your dad right beside her,” he said. “I’m so used to seeing them together.” He squinted, obviously seeing the same thing Maggie was seeing. “Is she okay?”
Maggie opened and closed her mouth. Where was her dad? She really had to get used to the idea of them splitting. Even if her parents didn’t want to be together, though, it seemed odd for her mom to pick a tree and haul it all the way back home in the truck by herself. Crying, no less.
“Maybe he’s here,” she mumbled. “Do you mind if I go talk to her?”
“Not at all. I’ll find you when I’m finished.”
“Thanks.”
Maggie approached the hot chocolate stand and squeezed the empty cup in her hand, afraid to startle her mom when she already seemed on edge. “Mom?” she said quietly. Sandy turned and her eyes grew wide as she tensed.
“Maggie, I—”
Maggie rushed forward when she saw that her mom’s eyes were even redder than she’d first noticed. “Are you okay? Where’s Dad?” She wanted to hug her, but something felt terribly wrong. What was her mom hiding? It was something.
“Oh, Todd’s not here with me,” Sandy stuttered in a strangely tight voice. “I’m . . . I’m getting a tree.”
“By yourself?”
Sandy nodded. “Yes, a little late, I know. Everything with your dad and the miscarriage set me back.” She said miscarriage in a barely audible whisper. They had stepped away from the hot chocolate stand and nobody was around them. At least nobody had recognized her yet. That was a blessing. It helped when she wore a beanie and kept her hair straight.
Maggie squeezed the cup in her hand even tighter. “I’m sorry about last night,” she said. “For leaving and making you worry.”
“It’s okay, darlin’. Cole let us know where you’d gone.” She sniffed and brushed a gloved hand under her nose then took a sip of hot chocolate. “Are you okay, then?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You sure?”
Just burned all my music and lyrics, almost smashed my guitar, left Cole’s house, and now I’m hanging out with a man I feel guilty for liking. Sure, I’m fine.
Sandy looked over her shoulder and Maggie’s suspicions began to swell.
“So, why isn’t Dad with you?” she asked, and watched her mom’s face as closely as she could. There was a twitch, and then she blinked and looked at the ground and then back up at Maggie.
“He’s at the studio. I went yesterday.”
Uh-huh.
“Ma’am?”
A heavy-set man wearing overalls and a thick brown coat came up behind Sandy. He brushed off his hands as she turned around to face him.
“We have your tree ready. Just bring your vehicle around to the loading zone.” He pointed to his left and smiled before leaving.
Sandy thanked him and faced Maggie again. “So, are you and Cole pickin’ out a tree?”
Maggie figured she might as well be honest. “No, I left Cole’s house last night. He told me he has a son, Mom . . . has he told you that?”
“A son?”
“Yeah, that’s why he left the band. I’ll let him tell you all about it when he’s ready. Anyway, I left last night because our relationship is ridiculously complicated, and I’m staying at Nathan’s place right now until I can get an apartment.”
How was that for dumping information? Maggie waited for the shocked expression, the spluttering and flood of questions, but nothing happened. The splotches on her mom’s cheeks started to fade, leaving behind her usually flawless skin. “Who’s Nathan?” was all she asked.
“He’s my voice teacher. I’m here with him.” She turned around to try to find him, but he was gone, probably showing someone the tree he wanted.
When she turned back, her mom looked confused. The whole voice teacher thing seemed to have rolled right over her. “You didn’t want to come home, then? You’re really going to be on your own now?”
What in the hell was wrong with her? She was so casual, so distant. Nothing seemed to be affecting her.
“No, Mom, I’m sorry.”
Maggie wanted to tell her how she felt like she didn’t belong at the house anymore no matter how much she loved her, but she couldn’t get it to come out of her mouth. She didn’t belong anywhere, really. Maybe she could belong to Nathan, but at the same time, she didn’t want him taking her in. She needed to take that first step into true independence all on her own, no matter who she ended up with, if anyone.
“Want me to help you with the tree?” Maggie asked as she watched her words roll right over her mom yet again. “I can grab Nathan.”
Sandy locked her eyes on Maggie’s. “What? Oh no, you go enjoy your time with him. The tree’s all taken care of.” Stepping forward, she wrapped Maggie in a hug and kissed her cheek. Her breath smelled like chocolate and her soft beanie brushed Maggie’s forehead. “I’ll see you soon, hon. Please come for Christmas, at least.”
Maggie shook her head as her mother walked away, replaying the strange conversation in her mind and looking for clues to explain such odd behavior. When she looked up, Nathan was heading toward her. His smile warmed her up more than the hot chocolate, and suddenly she didn’t feel so lost.
“There you are. Where’s your mom?”
She pointed toward the parking lot. “Her truck. Her tree’s ready, so she’s going to go pick it up.”
“Does she need help? How big is it?”
“She usually gets a ten-footer.”
“Let’s go help her. They’re cutting and prepping my tree, so we have time.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and steered her toward the loading zone. “Plus, I’d like to meet your mother. Is that audacious of me?”
She snorted. “Did you just use the word audacious? Who says that?”
“I thought you were a writer,” he laughed. “You write lyrics, don’t you? You don’t know what audacious means?”
“Okay, it is a little audacious of you to want to meet my mom since she’s a celebrity, but don’t let that stop you. Everybody wants to meet her.”
Nathan turned toward her, his arm still around her shoulders. He was close enough to her that his nose brushed hers and her heart fluttered. He looked so serious, as if he’d suddenly realized something and he was letting it sink in. “I’m sure your mom is a lovely person, but meeting her won’t be nearly as exciting as it was to meet you.”
Her breath caught in her throat and she tried to say nobody had ever said anything like that to her before, but the words came out all garbled and she laughed.
“I mean it,” he said, his breath warm on her lips.
She nodded, unable to speak. She thought he might kiss her, but then she looked up to see her mom’s truck and her heart stopped.
A man she had never seen before was sitting in the passenger seat.