Alicia cuddled the teddy bear her father had given her years before and flipped through the channels on her television. When she arrived at the Nickelodeon channel, she sat the selector down. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched anything so childish, but already she felt a sense of comfort. She felt like a small child and not at all like the seventeen-year-old she’d pretended to be. It had been such a mistake, her allowing Julian to pick her up from school, but he’d seemed so friendly each time they’d chatted. He’d seemed even nicer when she’d spoken to him on the phone. He’d even told her how beautiful she was and that he was in love with her. So she couldn’t understand at all how everything had gone wrong. She couldn’t understand why he’d forced her to have sex with him. She could still feel his body weight on top of her. She could feel the awful stinging and the actual tearing between her legs. She’d trusted him like she’d known him all her life.
Alicia was so embarrassed, and she was very sorry that she’d ever gone into that singles chat room. But she’d needed someone to talk to. She needed someone who was paying attention to her. She needed someone to give her the love her father wasn’t giving. She told herself over and over again that this was the reason, and it was.
She was gazing at the TV when she heard knocking. She knew it had to be James, because her mother had already come in to check on her. Plus, her mother never waited. She always knocked and walked in simultaneously.
“Yes?”
“Hey, pumpkin, it’s me. Can I come in?” James asked.
“Yes.”
“So how are you feeling?” He walked toward her with his arms folded, already dressed for work.
“Not that good,” she said.
“But you do know we’re going to get through this, right?”
Alicia nodded yes.
“And no matter how bad things may seem and no matter what happens in the future, I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. I know I’m not your real father, but you will always be able to count on me.”
Alicia believed every word he said and tears rolled down her face.
James hugged her. “I love you, pumpkin, and I’ll see you this evening.”
He strolled to the doorway, looked back at her, and smiled.
“I love you, too, James, and I’m glad Mom married you,” she said, and was relieved he wasn’t angry with her. She knew he was disappointed, though, but just hadn’t showed it. Now she was even more embarrassed.
When he left, Alicia painfully eased out of bed and walked over to her window. The sun was shining brightly, but it did nothing for her depression. Still, she stood there, replaying the day before and wishing she could talk to Danielle. Alicia hadn’t been very nice to her when Danielle said she didn’t want to cover for her, and Alicia wanted to apologize. She hadn’t found the nerve to call her this morning, but she would try to after school. Maybe Danielle would even come over to visit her.
After Alicia slipped back into bed, Tanya walked in with orange juice and oatmeal.
“They caught him, baby. I just hung up from the detective, and he told me they picked him up this morning.”
“How did they find him?” Alicia asked, since they didn’t know what he looked like or exactly where he lived.
“One of the officers took a chance on running the license plate JMoney1, and sure enough it was registered to Julian Miller.”
Until now Alicia hadn’t known what his last name was.
“So we can all thank God that that boy was foolish enough to use his on-line name for his personalized plates,” Tanya said.
“Will they wanna ask me more questions? Because I don’t wanna have to talk to them again.”
“Honey, they need you to come identify him.”
Alicia felt a wave of terror.
“But what if he gets out and comes looking for me?”
“He won’t. At least not for a very long time, because when I asked the detective what he thought would happen to him, he told me he couldn’t say for sure, but that he did know Julian will be charged with a felony. And it’s all because he’s more than five years older than you.”
“But I’ll be fifteen next month, and he’s only nineteen.”
“No he’s not,” Tanya said, sitting down on the bed. “He’s twenty-one.”
Twenty-one? That meant he’d lied about his age, too. It also meant she’d been with more of a grown man than she’d thought.
“Will they make me come to court?”
“They can’t make you because you’re a minor, but, Alicia, I really think you should go. You need to do whatever you can to help the state put Julian in prison.”
Alicia didn’t know if she could do that. She didn’t know if she could face the man that she’d trusted—the man that had raped her. What she wanted was to forget that any of this had happened, but now the police wanted her to come identify him, and her mother wanted her to testify. She’d seen a lot of testifying in movies, but she still didn’t want to do it herself.
Tanya rubbed Alicia’s back and said, “I know you’re afraid, but I’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll all be there with you until this is over.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry I snuck behind your back to go be with him.”
“Well, I just hope you realize how serious this is and how much you let all of us down. We’re all very hurt by what happened.”
“I know, Mom, and I won’t ever do anything like that again.”
“I’m happy to hear that, because you could have been killed, and we still have to pray that you’re not pregnant.”
Alicia felt like dying. As soon as they’d given her that first pill at the hospital, she’d pushed the idea of being pregnant completely out of her mind. There was no way she could have a baby. Her friends would drop her, the same as they did that girl Robyn when she had hers in eighth grade.
“But what if I am, Mom? What am I going to do?”
“We won’t even think about that right now.”
“Well, when do the police want me to come in?”
“As soon as we’re dressed. I know you’re not feeling up to it, but the sooner we can get this over with, the better. Okay?”
Alicia nodded.
“And I’m also going to call your father to go with us.”
Alicia dreaded seeing him. Especially since he’d seemed so angry with her before going home last night. She hoped he wasn’t planning to yell at her again, because she couldn’t take it.
“So why don’t you eat your oatmeal and then go take a shower,” Tanya said, standing up.
“Okay,” Alicia said, but she still wasn’t hungry. She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to eat again.
“Oh, and another thing.” Tanya turned to look at Alicia. “Even though I’m disappointed about what happened, I want you to know how much I love you. And you will always be the most important person in my life. I don’t quite understand why you did what you did, but—”
“I did it because I felt all alone,” Alicia interrupted.
“But why?” Tanya said, sitting back down on the bed. “James and I always try to do things with you. We always try to make you happy.”
“But Daddy doesn’t. He always says he’s gong to do stuff with me and then he never does. I don’t even get a chance to talk to him that much anymore.”
“Maybe not, but confiding in a stranger wasn’t the answer.”
“But Julian didn’t seem like a stranger. He listened to me, and he told me he loved me. He made me feel important.”
“Well, as much as I wish I could, I can’t change the way your father is.”
“But why does he treat me like that when I love him so much?”
Tanya was speechless.
“I don’t know, honey. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and all we can do is pray for things to get better.”
Alicia had already tried that, but it hadn’t worked. She’d even tried messing up in school, but that hadn’t worked either. Although she wondered if being raped by a twenty-one-year-old man would make him finally pay attention to her.
“Things won’t ever get better with him,” Alicia said.
“Well, even if they don’t, you’re still going to be okay. And from now on I want you to start coming to me whenever you feel sad or lonely or when you’re having any problems at all. I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me everything.”
Tanya hugged Alicia, and Alicia felt protected. The same as when she was a little girl.
“Alicia, do you realize how senseless this was?” Curtis lectured. But Alicia sat quietly in the leather chair with her legs resting on the ottoman, trying to tune him out. Tanya was across from her on the love seat and Curtis sat on the sofa. They’d just returned from the police station, and now Alicia wished he would leave her alone.
“Do you realize how serious this could have been?” he continued. “Do you realize we could be arranging your funeral right now or that he could have killed all of us? And on top of that, Alicia, we find out this thug is a drug dealer.”
“But I didn’t know that,” she finally said.
“Well, from what I can see, all the signs were right in your face. You said yourself that people kept ringing the doorbell.”
“But I already told you, I thought he was selling CDs.”
“Well, you thought wrong. And if you couldn’t simply look at that Negro and tell he was a drug dealer, you have a lot to learn. I knew what he was as soon as he walked in for that lineup.”
“Daddy, I said I was sorry, so what else do you want me to do?”
“I want you to tell me why you made such a reckless decision.”
Alicia looked at her mother, silently begging for help.
“Honey, why don’t you tell him exactly what you told me,” Tanya said.
“I’ve already told him that a hundred times,” Alicia said, looking toward the window.
“Told me what?” Curtis asked.
“That you don’t care anything about me. That you act like you don’t even have a daughter.”
“Now, Alicia, you know I love you more than anything in this world, and I would give my life for you if I had to. But I also have a church to run, too.”
“Daddy, why do you do that? Why do you make excuses for everything?”
“I don’t, Alicia. It may seem like that, but I don’t do that on purpose.”
“You couldn’t even pick me up for my dance on time.”
“I know I messed up with that, but I told you I would make it up to you. And that’s still beside the point, because that has nothing to do with this Julian situation.”
After all that had happened, he still didn’t get it. But Alicia wasn’t going to keep whining and complaining about something that was never going to be. She was starting to sound like a broken record, a pitiful little child who had nothing, and she didn’t like it. But it was just that she loved her father so much and truly wanted a relationship with him. She’d always been a daddy’s girl, but it was finally time to accept things the way they were. Which wasn’t so bad, because she still had her mother and James. She still had two people who genuinely loved her.
She looked at her mother and regretted every smart comment she’d ever made to her. She was sorry for every time she’d come home later than she was supposed to. Sorry for purposely skipping class and not doing homework. Sorry for not cleaning up her room when she was told. She was sorry for being raped.
Her father ranted for another twenty minutes and then made more fake promises. Today Alicia took all of his words with a grain of salt. She’d been doing that all along, but this time his lies didn’t matter so much.
As soon as he left, Alicia went over and lay in her mother’s arms.
She closed her eyes.
She mentally asked God to forgive her.
She prayed she would get past what had happened to her.
She thanked God for James and her mother.
She thanked God for making them a family.