Chapter 27

Ryan closed the tower door behind him and stepped into the charred remains of the passageway. Overhead, through the hole in the roof, a translucent patch of sky told him the morning was already half over.

And it told him he couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer.

He’d completed every lighthouse duty he could possibly think of and then some. He’d even scrubbed the tower floor and steps.

But now it was past time to go down to the house, change his clothes, and take Tessa to town.

His gut ached at the thought, but after crying out to God off and on all night, he knew he couldn’t take the coward’s way out, not ever again.

He ducked through the blackened doorway and walked outside. Looking to the east, his eyes scanned the calm waters of Lake St. Clair. He wasn’t sure how many ships had passed by the light last night, but he knew countless depended upon the beam that streamed for miles out, helping to guide them to safety.

The rocky shore and the gentle lapping of waves called to him, and he made his way to the water’s edge. The whisper of the breeze that met him seemed to reach down into his soul, soothing him.

God had brought him to this lighthouse for more than just the job, he realized now. God had brought him here to begin healing. He’d taken steps in the right direction, mainly crying out his need for God. But he still had a long way to go.

And he knew what he needed to do next. He slipped his hand into his leather satchel. His fingers closed around the cold tin flask. He withdrew it, not bothering to hide the trembling in his hand. The liquid within sloshed and taunted him. His mouth watered and his throat burned, but he ignored the sensation. Instead he lifted the flask, cocked his good arm back, and heaved it with all his strength.

The flask flew far out above the water, a ray of sunlight hitting it and making it glint. For only the briefest instant did he feel any regret. And then the container plopped into the lake and disappeared beneath the surface, sinking quickly from sight.

He expelled a breath of relief. He should have done it long ago. He should have put any hint of temptation far from him. Maybe if he had, he wouldn’t have brought everyone so much heartache. As it was, he’d pay for his weakness and mistakes the rest of his life.

With another sigh he turned to face the house. Smoke from the stovepipe curled into the morning air. The keeper’s cottage was picturesque against the backdrop of the pale-blue sky.

It would have been beautiful, and it would have felt like home, if he’d known that Caroline was waiting inside for him instead of Tessa.

Finally, he made his way back to the house and went inside. As he closed the door quietly, pleasant chatter and the clinking of cooking utensils beckoned him to the kitchen. He moved soundlessly to the doorway and stopped at the sight of Caroline at the table, paring and chopping apples, and Tessa, standing at the stove and stirring a pot of thick sauce. Glass jars lined the sideboard. Some were already filled with the brownish liquid he guessed to be applesauce or apple butter. Other jars stood empty, awaiting their turn.

Caroline glanced up. The paring knife in her hand froze in mid-peel on a wormy apple. Her gaze sought his, and there was a hopefulness in her expression that sliced his heart as surely as the knife in the apple.

He had to avert his eyes before he strode around the table, grabbed her, and took her to town rather than Tessa.

At Caroline’s silence, Tessa looked over her shoulder for just a second and then turned her attention back to the pot. “I was beginning to think you’d decided to run away.”

“Nay. Just finishing up some work.”

The kitchen was hot. Tessa’s hair was pinned up, but strands stuck to her neck and forehead. Her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, and her apron was splattered with brown spots.

She was clearly not ready for a wedding.

“I’ll change my clothing,” he offered, “and then I’ll be ready to ride to town whenever you are.”

He could feel Caroline’s eyes upon him still, and he forced himself not to look at her.

“I won’t be ready,” Tessa said, stirring the pot without breaking her rhythm.

Her nonchalance took him aback. He watched her for a moment. “Well, then how about if we go once you’re done here?”

She shook her head. “No. I’m not going anywhere today.”

“Tessa,” Caroline rebuked. Her shirt collar shifted just enough that he caught sight of the bruises Arnie had left on her neck. Once again regret fell over him like a dark shadow, that he hadn’t protected her better.

Tessa lifted the spoon from the pot, blew on the brown pulp, then dipped a finger into it. She lifted it to her mouth and took a small taste before lowering the spoon again.

“Tessa,” Caroline said again, “we’ve talked about this already. You have to go.”

“I don’t have to go.”

“Yes, you do.”

“You can’t make me.”

“What’s going on?” Ryan interrupted. He stepped into the room toward the table. He stopped and faced Caroline, and this time he met her gaze head on.

The paring knife in her hand shook. “Tell Ryan everything, Tessa. He deserves to know the truth.”

When Tessa turned, her young face was lined with guilt.

Ryan pulled out a chair and sat down to hide the sudden tremor in his legs.

As she relayed the story about drugging his tea with opium pills, he found that he wasn’t angry with her. He couldn’t be. Even if he’d been groggy and tired from the pills, he’d been alert enough to realize what he was doing when he took her offer of whiskey. He could have told her no. He could have gone straight to bed. But he hadn’t. He hadn’t resisted the temptation like he should have.

He was relieved, though, to discover he hadn’t defiled Tessa, that he hadn’t done anything in his drunken state to hurt her. But that didn’t alleviate the fact that he’d fallen so quickly back into his old ways of drinking. And if he’d done it once, who was to say it wouldn’t happen again?

Of course, he’d been calling out to the Lord with his needs. But deep inside he knew he was still a weak man and had a lot of growing yet to do.

“So, you see, I’m not going to marry you,” Tessa said with a flourish of the big stirring spoon, heedless of the applesauce that dripped onto the floor. “You and Caroline are getting married instead.”

After Tessa finished her tale, Ryan turned and met Caroline’s gaze. Even though there was that same tiny flicker of expectation he’d noticed earlier, she was also holding herself back.

Now he knew why. Perhaps Tessa had come forth with the truth, but would anyone else believe her? Finick had caught them in bed together, and even if they hadn’t actually done anything, it sure looked like they had. Why would he believe otherwise? No one would think they were innocent, no matter how much they insisted upon it.

“Thank you for telling me the truth,” he said slowly. “But even if we know nothing happened between us, we won’t be able to convince anyone else.”

“I’ll tell them all the truth.” Tessa’s cheeks were flushed, and her dark eyes flashed.

“Either way, you’ll ruin your reputation in this community,” he said. “And I won’t let you do that.”

“I’ll have to live with the consequences of my actions.” Tessa reached for a ladle and lowered it into the pot. “People may think I’m tainted, may even consider me a loose woman. No decent man for miles around will want to marry me. But at least I won’t have to make you and Caroline suffer on my account.”

Caroline watched Tessa, a new kind of sadness falling over her face. “I don’t know if I can let you throw away your future and your chances of a good marriage like that—”

“It’s not your decision to make.” Tessa lifted a ladleful of sauce and poured it into the nearest jar. “Besides, I hope I won’t need to stay here forever. Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to leave and start a new life someplace else, where no one knows about my reputation.”

“The world is already tough enough on women,” Ryan said. “Just look at Caroline and how she’s been denied the keeper position because she’s a woman. It will be even worse for you, Tessa. Especially if you’re seen as a loose woman.”

“I made the mistake.” Tessa poured more sauce into the jar. “I should be the one to suffer for it, not you and Caroline.”

Ryan longed to let Tessa have her way, for then he’d be free to marry Caroline. But how could he leave her to her ruin? How could he ever be happy with Caroline knowing he’d allowed Tessa to throw away her chances at having a good life?

“I can’t allow you to take the blame for all that happened,” he said. “I was here. I could have prevented it if I’d been more careful.”

“No, Ryan, I’m the one at fault. I planned it. I did it. You had nothing to do with it.”

She was so matter-of-fact that Ryan wanted to believe her. But in reality he knew he could have prevented everything if he’d only been stronger. Whatever the case, he still had to do what was right. He had to protect Tessa from a life of hardship.

The sorrow in Caroline’s eyes made it clear that she agreed with him, that she didn’t want Tessa to suffer either.

For a long moment, no one said anything more. Tessa busied herself filling the remainder of the jar and then moving on to the next as if the matter were settled.

A knock and a shout at the front door startled Ryan.

“Caroline?” came a woman’s voice.

“It’s Esther.” Caroline wiped her hands on her apron and bustled around the table.

Ryan followed her into the sitting room to find Esther Deluth entering the house with her husband, the mayor. The man smiled and nodded at Ryan as he took off his tall top hat and ran a hand over his head to smooth back his hair.

Esther rushed over to Caroline and hugged her, or at least embraced her as far as her rounded belly would allow. “Caroline, I’m overwhelmed by good news,” she said, pulling back and beaming. “And I made my husband drive me out here the minute I received this post.”

Esther withdrew a sheet of paper from her coat pocket and unfolded it with a brisk shake of her hand. “I’ve finally heard back from my father and the Senate regarding your position here at the lighthouse.”

Caroline drew in a shaky breath, and her face went pale.

Ryan stepped beside her and put his hand on her elbow to steady her. She glanced up at him gratefully.

Esther laughed. “Don’t be afraid. It’s good news!”

Caroline leaned into him as if drawing strength from him. He only wished he had more to give her.

“My father said this.” Esther cleared her throat and began to read from the official-looking paper. “‘The vessel men all say that she keeps a very excellent light and I think it very hard to remove this woman, who is faithful and efficient, and throw her upon the world with her siblings entirely destitute.’”

Esther glanced up with an excited smile before continuing. “‘The community near her has also testified to her dedication and capability as lightkeeper. Their petition and overwhelming support indicate her competency to continue in her current position—’”

“Petition?” Caroline interrupted.

“Yes,” Esther’s husband interjected, patting his wife’s shoulder. “Esther worked tirelessly to get signatures from everyone in Grosse Pointe and the surrounding area on her petition to keep you on at the lighthouse.”

Caroline started trembling, and Ryan moved his arm to her waist, wrapping it around her slender body.

Esther found her spot in the letter and continued reading. “‘After taking this appeal before the Lighthouse Board, they have come to the agreement that Caroline Taylor shall be instated as keeper of Windmill Point Lighthouse with full duties.’”

Caroline gasped and pressed a hand to her mouth. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

Esther’s eyes flooded with tears as well. “We did it. We stood up for the rights of women.” Esther’s normally unshakable voice wavered with emotion.

A thrill wound through Ryan. Caroline would get to keep the job she loved and deserved. He could think of nothing more he wanted for her.

Caroline broke away from Ryan and threw herself at Esther. As they hugged and cried, Ryan took a step back in time to see Tessa in the doorway with a half-filled jar of applesauce. Disappointment filled her expression.

Tessa was obviously not overjoyed by the news, probably because she didn’t want to stay. She’d made that clear last night when she begged him to take her away from the lighthouse. Would she beg him again now that the keeper job officially belonged to Caroline? After all, if the Lighthouse Board was giving the job back to Caroline, that meant Tessa would have to stay and he was out of work. He wasn’t needed here anymore. He would have to find a different job somewhere else.

Maybe Tessa would change her mind about marrying him once she realized he’d have to move away.

He studied her face, waiting for her to turn and beseech him for an escape.

But when Tessa finally looked at him, he saw resignation in her eyes. She pursed her lips, squared her shoulders, and then shook her head. The gesture confirmed what was written on her face. She still wouldn’t marry him, and there was nothing he could do to change her mind.

He nodded at her. He couldn’t force her. He’d have to accept her decision whether he liked it or not. And part of him admired her for not taking the easy way out, for her willingness to stay and accept the consequences of her mistake.

As he shifted his attention back to Caroline, to the happiness infusing her features, the other part of him was filled with a yearning sadness and resignation of his own.

He didn’t stay in the sitting room to congratulate Caroline on the ruling. Instead he made his way outside and headed to the boathouse, where he began packing up the few belongings he’d left there.

“So you’re leaving?” Tessa’s voice came from behind him.

He spun to find her standing in the doorway. He held the driftwood cross he’d carried with him through every battle, every heartache, every step of his life for the past six years since his sister had passed it on to him.

His fingers caressed the rough wood. “I have to go.” Once the words were out, he knew they were true. As much as he wanted to run inside the house, wrap his arms around Caroline, and demand that she marry him, he wasn’t ready for it.

He still had to pay back the debt he owed to the family he’d hurt during the war. While he was haunted less by the death of the boy, he’d vowed to make up for what he’d done. And he couldn’t forget it.

More important, all that had happened over the last couple of days had shown him that he was in need of much more healing in his life before being ready to give himself wholly to a woman the way she deserved. Even so, he had to offer to help Tessa one last time.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” he asked. “Now’s your chance to salvage your reputation, your chance to leave the lighthouse.”

She didn’t hesitate but shook her head vehemently. “Whatever may come, staying here is something I have to do.”

“Then you’ll understand that I have to leave every bit as much as you have to stay.”

“Are you sure you can’t marry Caroline?” Tessa shivered from the cold of the morning. She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. “I can tell she loves you. And she’ll marry you if you ask her again.”

Ryan clutched the cross in his damaged hand, the rough wood digging into his two remaining fingers. “I want to marry her more than anything else in life.” He was surprised by the intensity of his statement. “But I have to do a few things first before I’ll be the man she needs.”

Tessa nodded and then wiped a sleeve across her eyes.

He glanced down to the cross, twirled it in his palm. Just like this wooden cross, God had been there with him all along during his times of need. But he’d turned to everything else for help—to whiskey, to pain medicine, to sleep, and even to Caroline.

She’d been there for him, had accepted him and encouraged him even when he was at his worst. She hadn’t condemned him but had loved him regardless of how he’d failed her. It would be all too easy to rely upon her for strength, to turn to her to help him through his difficulties. But that wouldn’t be fair to her. And it wouldn’t be what God wanted either.

God wanted him to go to Him with his deepest needs, to stop looking elsewhere, so that he could be made whole again. Until he could do that, he wasn’t fit for marriage with Caroline or any woman.

Ryan held the driftwood cross out to Tessa. “Here. I want you to have this.” He’d finally understood the hope the cross offered. Now that he grasped the message of hope, it was time to pass the cross along to someone else. After all, the letter that went with the cross urged the bearer to give the cross to a person who needed hope.

Tessa stared at it but didn’t make a move to take it from him.

“My sister gave it to me. And now I’d like to give it to you.”

She took it from him, turning and examining it.

“There’s a story behind it,” he said, and then told her about the original owner of the cross, Henry Cole, and how the wealthy young man had fashioned the cross out of driftwood left from a shipwreck that had stranded him at the Presque Isle Lighthouse. Henry had eventually fallen in love with the keeper’s daughter, Isabelle Thornton. But circumstances and difficulties had thrust the two lovers apart. Through it all they’d had to learn to hope in the Lord.

By the end of the story, Tessa clutched the cross to her chest.

“Don’t be a fool like me and forget God’s presence in your life,” he finished. “Remember that He’s there every hour, every minute, every second. We just have to turn to Him with our needs.”

She nodded.

He had a feeling Tessa was going to face more hardship in the days and weeks to come as a result of her lie. And she would need to know that God had forgiven her and was still there for her, even as she had to live with the consequences.

He returned to his saddlebag and stuffed a shirt inside.

“Will you say good-bye to Caroline?” she asked.

He didn’t want to. It would shatter his heart into a thousand pieces to say good-bye. More than that, it would hurt her, and he loathed the thought that he might bring her any more pain.

“Say good-bye?” Caroline’s voice came from behind Tessa. “Why would you need to say good-bye, Ryan?”

Ryan’s body sagged. He finished shoving the last of his things into the bag before turning to face her. She stood in the doorway now instead of Tessa. Her eyes were wide with questions. And something else . . .

Was it fear?

“Congratulations on getting the job back,” he said with a smile, steeling himself for what he was about to do. “The Senate and Lighthouse Board made the right decision. I admire them for their willingness to stand up for what’s right.”

She reached for the frayed rope of one of the buoys hanging on the wall near the door. She didn’t respond, but instead twisted and looped the rope.

Tessa had disappeared, and he was grateful to her for giving him a last few minutes alone with Caroline.

“They couldn’t ask for a better lightkeeper,” he added.

“Why are you leaving?” Her hands on the rope stilled, and the sharpness of her eyes stabbed him.

He had the sudden urge to hide his saddlebag behind the canoe and pretend he wasn’t going anywhere. But he knew he had to face her and say his good-byes sooner or later.

“You’re the keeper now,” he started. “I’m out of work—”

“Tell me the truth.” Her command was harsh with anguish.

His throat tightened. He picked up his saddlebag and slung it across his shoulder. “It’s time for me to leave. I have to go—”

She put out her hand to stop him. “I’ll let you have the job. You can be the keeper.”

“No, Caroline.”

She stepped into the shed, ducking under a fishnet and dodging a paddle. “I don’t need to be head keeper. I’ll stay as your assistant.”

He shook his head. “My leaving has nothing to do with the job. I’m happy you’re the keeper. You’re much more qualified than me. In fact, I can’t even begin to compare with your level of expertise.”

“Please don’t go, Ryan.” In the dim light her eyes pleaded with him.

He felt his resolve begin to weaken. It would be so easy for him to stay, to rely upon her, to allow her to help him. But perhaps she needed to let go of taking care of him as much as he needed to stop relying on her for his healing.

He hung his head, hating that he had to hurt her. “There are some things I need to do,” he said softly. “And God has some work to do in my life before I’ll be the man you need.”

“No” came her hoarse whisper.

“Aye. I have to make sure my drinking days are over.”

“You did it once. You can do it again. And I’ll be here to help you.”

“That’s just it,” he said, growing more certain that he needed to go. “If I keep on looking to you for strength, then I’ll never stand on my own two feet.”

Thick tension hung in the air between them. For long moments the chatter of Tessa and Esther near the house filled the silence.

“Where will you go?” Her question was strangled but resigned. It was almost as if she knew as well as he did that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and wouldn’t be until he dealt with his inner demons.

“I don’t know yet. Maybe the West.”

She didn’t reply except for the awful pain that radiated from her slumped body.

He started to let the saddlebag slip from his shoulder, to give in to the need to be with her. But then she looked up at him, her eyes glossy with unshed tears. “I understand.”

And in the one statement he knew she accepted his choice and forgave him for the hurt he was causing her. She was as understanding as always.

He nodded and once more squared his shoulders. He had to go. Now. Before he utterly failed and gave in to temptation again.

With a heave he started forward, sidling past her. The warmth of her presence, the tiny catch of her breath, and the anguish she was desperately trying to hide all urged him to reconsider. But somehow he made it through the doorway and into the openness that led to the shore.

Any hints of sunshine he’d seen earlier had now disappeared. The clouds had closed their gaps, and the grayness had begun to spit pellets of sleet.

“I’ll miss you.” Her soft, almost imperceptible call followed him.

It grabbed his heart, wrenched it so painfully that he lost his breath. He stopped, tossed his bag to the ground, and spun around. Then in three long strides he stalked back inside the shed, grasped her by the arms, and dragged her against him. He dipped his head and took possession of her mouth.

He wanted her. He needed her. And he couldn’t leave her.

Her lips responded to his with the same hunger. Her arms linked around his neck, and she clung to him.

The kiss deepened, and for a moment he forgot where he ended and she began. He was consumed with her. They were one. And the very thought of breaking the connection stabbed him worse than any war wound.

At the enmeshing of her fingers in his hair, he groaned, broke the seal of his mouth on hers, and brushed his lips to her cheek. His breath came in gasps.

The heat of her lips chased after his. He tilted away, trying to think straight, to remember what he needed to do. He trailed his mouth to the hollow of her ear and pressed a long, breathy kiss there.

Leave came the urgent whisper in the depths of his soul.

His fingers on her arms tightened. His breath in her ear turned heavier.

She clutched him almost desperately.

Leave now, the warning rose louder.

He closed his eyes, swallowed the desperation that swelled and threatened to drown him. “I love you,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you.” Then he pried his fingers loose and took a step back, away from her.

Coldness filled the space between them. She shivered, but she made no move toward him.

He fought the urge to wrap his arms back around her, to comfort her and bring her warmth. He made himself do the hardest thing he’d ever done. He spun, walked through the door, and snatched up his saddlebag.

Then without looking back he strode toward his horse, his heart shattering with each step he took. He threw his meager belongings across the horse’s flank.

He was leaving. And he refused to say any more good-byes.

Caroline sat alone in the boathouse, leaning against the tangle of ropes and life vests hanging on the wall. Her cheeks were dry, her soul empty.

The sound of horse hooves had long since faded, and they hadn’t returned. She’d sat for hours, waiting for the sound of them to grow louder again, to signal that Ryan had changed his mind, that he wouldn’t leave her after all. But there was nothing.

The dismal gray had grown darker. Her fingers and toes were numb from the cold. She’d lost her appetite and thought she’d never be able to eat again, but now her stomach growled with pangs of hunger from having eaten nothing all day.

Tessa had come to check on her several times throughout the day to urge her to return to the house where it was warm. And when the boys had come home from school to find Ryan gone, they’d peeked in on her too, their sad eyes reflecting another loss in their young lives, making her want to weep from the unfairness of it all.

He wasn’t coming back.

She would have to accept it. Finally.

He was gone. And no amount of wishing or crying would bring him back.

Deep inside she knew he was right, that he still needed to heal, that he wasn’t whole yet. Part of her even understood why he wouldn’t be able to heal here with her, that perhaps he would rely too much upon her strength so that he wouldn’t regain his own.

But even if she understood, she didn’t like it. In fact, at the thought of him wrenching back from their kiss and striding away from her, fresh agony ripped her again. She was tempted to lower her face into her hands and sob again, as she had so many times already.

Except that she was dry. She’d cried all the tears she could.

“Caroline,” Tessa called from the doorway, “you have to come in now. You need to eat and get warmed up.”

Caroline didn’t move. She couldn’t make herself.

Tessa waited.

At the ensuing silence, Caroline thought Tessa had left her alone, just as she had all the other times.

But after a few seconds, Tessa spoke again, this time louder and more firmly. “I know you’re sad he left, but you have to get on with your life now.” The rattle of a bucket and the clink of fishing lures were followed by Tessa muttering as she picked her way through the clutter in the boathouse to where Caroline sat huddled.

“This isn’t the end of the world,” Tessa said, planting her hands on her hips and looking down at Caroline. “Although you may not care now, you don’t have much choice. You’ve been given a prestigious position as head keeper of a lighthouse. It’s what you’ve always wanted. And now you have the chance to prove that women everywhere deserve the same rights as men.”

Caroline shifted, letting Tessa’s words seep into her, past her present grief.

“Don’t throw away this opportunity,” Tessa continued. “Don’t give them any regrets about letting you have the job.”

Caroline sighed and sat forward.

Tessa slipped a hand into the crook of her arm and tugged her upward. She stood, her frozen feet hardly able to support the weight of her body.

“And we wouldn’t want Mr. Finick to have any reason to go back to the Board or the senators and make claims that he was right, would we?”

“No,” Caroline agreed in a hoarse voice.

Tessa wrapped her arm around Caroline’s waist to support her.

Now that Tessa mentioned Mr. Finick, Caroline was surprised he hadn’t been out to the lighthouse to argue with Esther about the validity of the ruling. She supposed that meant he couldn’t do anything to stop her now. The ruling was really true. The Lighthouse Board had agreed that she could keep her job.

She wished she could find the same thrill in the decision that she’d had earlier when Esther first read the letter. But there was nothing, except perhaps a small measure of obligation.

“It’s getting dark, and you’ll need to light the lantern soon,” Tessa said. “We can’t have you start your first night as official keeper without a warm meal and warm hands.”

Caroline nodded and allowed Tessa to lead her out of the boathouse. Her first glance was at the empty horse pen. And then the path that led to the woods and town. Both were barren.

She stumbled. But Tessa leaned into her, holding her up once more. “He might be gone for now,” the girl said gently, “but he’ll be back. Someday he’ll be back.”

Caroline drew comfort from Tessa’s reassurance. And she reminded herself that he’d told her he loved her. He loved her. He loved her.

She let the words settle deep inside.

“In the meantime, you have work to do.” Tessa dropped a kiss onto Caroline’s head.

Tears came again and clouded Caroline’s eyes. She thought she’d cried them all out. But this time she knew the tears weren’t over Ryan. They were for her sister, for the love she had for this sweet young woman who was finally growing up.

She laid her head against Tessa’s shoulder and let her lead the way up the grassy knoll toward the cottage. “Who would have thought you’d ever be taking care of me?” Caroline whispered.

Tessa smiled. “Sometimes even the strongest need someone to take care of them.”

Caroline’s lips cracked into a small smile. She’d sacrificed so much for everyone else as long as she could remember. But maybe Tessa was right. Maybe it was time to let go of that need, to stop always having to be the strong one and let someone else take care of her for once.