19

RETURNING

RESTING AND RELAXATION are attitudes in Chan that we can carry from morning to night. I would like to introduce two more R’s—restlessness and returning.

In Chan, we practice returning. We return to the present moment. We return to our loyal friend, the breath. We return to our lives, which exist in the here and now. This practice of returning can be particularly helpful to you when you feel restless.

What is happening inside you when you feel restless? Your mind and body moves here, moves there. You wander off, you think about this, think about that. The mind is full of thoughts and it exhausts itself; you feel tired and fall asleep. After you finish sleeping, you wake up. You have energy. Then you start thinking again. So, for the whole day, there are three things you do: wandering thoughts, falling asleep, waking up, wandering thoughts, falling asleep again.

Or maybe you sleep the whole day; you don’t know what’s happened. The whole day you walk around tired; something is dragging you down. You feel dull and washed out. You can’t focus. It is a big chore just to bend down to tie your shoe.

Restlessness is the opposite of rest. It can take many forms. It is not always hyperactivity or the inability to concentrate or settle down. Restlessness is also a state of depression, of sinking, of not being able to float. It is an exhausting tension, a state of conflict that can be more or less subtle.

You start thinking, “What’s happening? Why am I like this? Why do I feel so tired and restless?” You are angry with yourself and disappointed. You feel you are wasting your life.

Perhaps you start blaming people. You grumble under your breath, “I feel this way because my husband snored all night. He wouldn’t stop snoring. I was woken up so many times. That is why I’m so sleepy.”

Or you blame the weather. It is too hot or too humid or too cold. There is high pressure or low pressure or it is going to snow. The snow has stopped, or there is too much wind. Or the wind is from the south or the west, or it is too still; the air is dead and listless and so are you. Or perhaps the planets are not aligned. It has to do with the planets and the season. In fall you get allergies, there’s pollen in the air, and the planet Mercury is in such and such position.

When I lead meditation retreats, my students think they fail in their practice and start to find fault with everything. Their minds churn and churn. “What am I here for? Sit, sit, sit, sit. All I do is sit. Something must be wrong with my head. I paid money to come here and wash the toilet. Not only to wash the toilet, but to wake up at four o’clock each morning. And to sleep on a thin little mat on the hard floor. There is pain here, pain there, pain everywhere! Why I did pay to have so much pain? I must be crazy.”

These thoughts are a form of restlessness. Their minds won’t rest and settle. I tell them to relax. Come back to the present moment. As Thich Nhat Hanh says: “Breathe! You are alive.”

 

IN CHAN WE talk about liveliness, not restlessness. There is no joy in restlessness, but the opposite is true of liveliness. The joy comes from the breath, from being alive, from touching life, from gratitude at the luckiness of living.

Chan is not detached or otherworldly. It’s not about becoming immobile and inert. It’s about coming back, returning to our true nature—our most instinctual, natural response to life. The essence of being alive is a feeling of vibrancy and immediacy. That is a very different state of mind than restlessness.

Come back to the present moment. Return to the breath. When we do that we don’t feel restless. We feel relaxed. Calm and peaceful. Still. Settled. Stable. Alive!