Essential Chan Buddhism

MOST OF THE love we have is possessive: it’s about the self. That is not true love; it is self-love. When you see someone who attracts you that feeling is not about the person. We like the person because we have a good feeling inside of us when he or she is around. The good feeling is all about us. As a result, we want to possess that person. But what we really want is the good feeling—not the person! It is an important distinction.

If love is only about the self, then this relationship will not last. Maybe you feel stale or bored. The initial excitement and infatuation wears off. When the person can no longer give you that good feeling, what do you do? You change partners.

If we are able to start relationships with friendliness and loving-kindness, love will develop. You will feel a sense of closeness, a softness and tenderness. That is when we truly open up. We are able to embrace and accommodate. We become more understanding and accepting. This love is a form of kindness. It is not only about caring, protecting, giving—there is also in it forgiveness and acceptance. You accept the person whole. You see their strengths and weaknesses. You relax. Then you are able to open your heart and mind and accept them.