29. God

When Jeannie arrived one bitterly cold afternoon shortly afterwards, with blustery snow blowing at the windows, she had to fight back tears when she saw her great-grandchild lying fast asleep in her bassinet. Overcome with emotion at seeing her grandmother so moved, Isla threw herself into her arms.

‘Oh, Jeannie, it’s wonderful to see you,’ she sobbed, as all the pain and anxiety of the last few days poured out of her in a torrent of relief.

Jeannie held her close for several minutes before she spoke. ‘I all but had a heart attack when I heard you’d gone into labour three weeks early,’ she admitted. ‘Only you, silly girl, would go striding over the marsh in the middle of a raging storm!’

‘Good job we did, though,’ Isla reminded Jeannie, who’d heard the full story over the phone from Sister Ada.

‘And how is Shirley – and poor Emily?’ Jeannie inquired. ‘Imagine if you’d both gone into labour out there in the cold!’

‘Emily’s fine,’ Isla laughed. ‘You’ll see her before you go; she pops down to see Heather at least twice a day.’

‘Heather!’ Jeannie exclaimed in delight. ‘What a lovely name.’

‘I named her after you,’ Isla said proudly. ‘Her full name is Jennifer, like yours, then Heather …’ Her happy smile faded as she added, ‘Though what her adoptive parents will name her, I have no idea.’

Looking at the baby, who had fallen fast asleep, Jeannie had the urge to snatch her up and keep her close, but she knew that was not what Isla wanted; Heather was destined to be adopted in a few weeks’ time, and Isla would come home to Windermere for a brief spell before she resumed her university education. Completely changing the subject away from such a painful thought, Jeannie opened the hamper of food she’d brought along with her.

‘If you’ve an appetite, I have three kinds of sandwiches, a ginger cake and some scones.’

‘IF I’ve an appetite!’ hungry Isla joked. ‘I’m ravenous!’

‘You’re not eating for two any more,’ Jeannie joked, as Isla tucked into the delicious egg-and-cress sandwiches.

Munching appreciatively, Isla took the opportunity to discuss Shirley’s potential short-term future with Jeannie.

‘She’s had a shocking time,’ Isla confided. ‘And she might need a bolt hole until things settle down.’

Jeannie cocked her head to one side. ‘So, I could end up with TWO Mary Vale girls instead of one?’ she teased.

Isla gave an apologetic nod. ‘If you wouldn’t mind?’

‘Of course I’ll help the poor girl out,’ Jeannie answered with her characteristic generosity. ‘Now, come on, give me a sandwich before you scoff the lot!’

Surrounded by loving, caring friends, Shirley recovered quickly from her awful ordeal. Though she was absolutely terrified of bumping into Matron, she insisted that she wanted to get back to work in the kitchen, where Matron rarely went, and do some cleaning around the Home too, as long as Matron wasn’t around.

‘If you’re sure?’ Ada asked.

‘I can’t loll around in bed all day when there’s work to be done,’ Shirley cried. ‘Anyway, I’ve got some serious thinking to do,’ she added with a mysterious smile. ‘And I always think best when I’ve got a mop in my hand!’

The fact was, Shirley had something very important to discuss with Sister Ann, something so profound she was almost too scared to talk about it. One evening she slipped out of the kitchen (where she’d been preparing trays of cheese-and-onion pies for the following lunch-time with Sister Mary Paul) and waited in the corridor that connected the convent to the Home for Sister Ann to appear. When she did, Shirley stepped out from the shadows and startled the nun.

‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph!’ Sister Ann exclaimed clutching her heart. ‘You put the fear of God in me, child.’

‘Sorry, Sister, I was waiting for you,’ Shirley said shyly. If it hadn’t been so dark, the nun would have seen that poor Shirley was blushing bright red. ‘I have to speak to you about –’

Thinking she knew what was coming next – a plea not to be sent back home – Sister Ann gently laid a hand on Shirley’s shoulder. ‘We’re in the process of sorting things out: try not to worry, dear.’

Terrified that she’d lose her strength and determination, Shirley stopped the nun mid-flow and blurted out in a loud voice that echoed around the cold, dark corridor, ‘Sister!’ she exclaimed. ‘I’ve decided. I want to be a nun!’

Speechless, Sister Ann gazed in wonder at Shirley, who, now that she’d started talking, was finding it hard to stop. ‘I know what you’re thinking, I only want to be a nun so I can stay here and get free bed and board at Mary Vale – well it’s not true! I want to join your order – I want to dedicate my life to Christ. I know I’m not suitable, I’m stupid and I’m stained with sin –’

Now it was time for Sister Ann to interrupt Shirley. ‘Stop, Shirley,’ she said firmly. Taking hold of the girl’s hand, she squeezed it hard. ‘This might be one of the most important decisions of your life; we need to talk about it clearly and calmly.’

Seeing Shirley’s expression fade from happiness to fear, she quickly reassured her. ‘Not that I’m doubting you. I’d just prefer to have this conversation in the cold light of day, if that’s all right with you, child?’

Shirley nodded, then asked, ‘Please, may I come to chapel with you while you say your office?’

‘How would you know that’s where I’m going now?’

‘Because I’ve been following you every night and I know that’s where you go to say your evening prayers,’ Shirley shyly admitted. ‘Please let me come with you?’ she begged. ‘It would make a nice change from hiding from you behind the back pew!’ she added with a mischievous giggle.

‘Of course,’ Sister Ann replied.

Arm in arm, they walked past the statue of Our Lady, before which they both stopped to make the sign of the cross, before entering the candle-lit chapel, where they knelt down on a wooden bench and said their night prayers together.

Over the next few days Sister Ann had several long, intense conversations with Shirley, asking her what had prompted her to reach the enormous decision to become a nun. ‘You never mentioned it when you lived among us,’ she pointed out.

‘I never even thought of it!’ Shirley said with a laugh. ‘I was happy just to be here and clean for you all. I vividly remember thinking how much I loved being among you and the sisters – it felt like family.’

Though it was a joy to see Shirley speak so openly, Sister Ann had to take a hard line; if she was to be the child’s spiritual mentor, she had to prepare her for what lay ahead; Shirley could start her postulancy only if she really had a true vocation. No matter how much she loved the girl and rejoiced in her decision, Sister Ann couldn’t afford to be soft or sentimental; for Shirley’s sake, she had to remain objective and honest, and that meant asking tough and uncomfortable questions.

‘I suppose I only really seriously thought about becoming a nun when I was sent back home,’ Shirley admitted. ‘I was grateful that you’d taught me to pray, Sister,’ she said. I prayed a lot in those terrible times. I prayed he’d leave me alone, which he didn’t, and I prayed during him, you know, doing it.’ She blushed to the roots of her hair to say such crude things to a nun. ‘I began to realize that prayer helped me. You’ll never believe this, Sister, but it was prayer that led me to thinking about taking my own life.’

‘Well, that’s a contradiction in terms!’ Sister Ann exclaimed.

‘I know suicide is a sin in the eyes of the Church, but I thought, like I wrote to you in my letter, that if I was dead, I’d be safe with God in heaven,’ Shirley said with such simple, naive conviction that Sister Ann had to turn away to hide her tears. ‘Then, when I was lying on the marsh, I stared up at the sky and I swear I saw God in the clouds. I thought He was waiting for me and I was so, so happy to go to Him. The last thing I remember before everything went black was holding out my hand and saying, “Take me, please take me home.”’

‘But God saved you,’ Sister Ann reminded Shirley. ‘He clearly wanted you to live.’

Shirley’s plain face glowed with joy. ‘Yes, he saved me because He has a job He wants me to do for Him,’ she announced. ‘God’s given me a lot of gifts – I can read and write, clean and polish, but most important of all, I can pray,’ she said happily. ‘I’m good at praying, Sister,’ she said with a modest smile. ‘Prayers go round my head like a joyful song night and day.’

Sister Ann, who’d been struggling for the kind of prayer Shirley had so blithely described, couldn’t believe she was hearing right; this simple, uneducated girl, who had suffered abuse and ill treatment all her life, was speaking with such clarity and conviction, with a love so palpable – who could doubt her sense of vocation? Concealing a pleasure that edged on awe, Sister Ann told Shirley that her next step was to talk to the Reverend Mother. ‘She might take some convincing,’ she warned.

‘I’ll put all my trust in God,’ Shirley answered with a confident smile.