Matthew braced himself as he shut off the engine in front of Haley’s house. His thoughts had started racing the moment he saw their reflections in the wedding store window, and they’d chased him all the way back to Haley’s house. Haley Scott in his arms. Wedding dresses. Promises waiting to be broken.
What had he been thinking? He shot a glance up the walk to the house. This wasn’t really Haley’s home. Just another temporary thing in a life filled with transitory decisions. He had allowed himself to forget that, to reach for vapor when he needed concrete.
He should never have asked Haley out in the first place, and the kiss had been an even bigger mistake. Both had only convinced him of a truth he hadn’t been prepared to face: he was in love with Haley Scott.
For a moment he’d allowed himself to wish for impossible things with a woman who would never be able to hold up her end of the bargain. It was naive and irresponsible for him to hope for fairy-tale endings when he knew too well that reality would never shine as bright.
Worse than that, this situation involved someone besides himself. As Elizabeth’s father, he didn’t have the luxury of taking risks with his heart or hers. He’d promised his daughter he would never be like her mother and put his own needs ahead of hers. Until now, he’d never thought of himself as someone who didn’t keep his promises.
The guilt of that followed him as he rounded the car and opened the door for Haley. She had given him back his jacket when they’d climbed in the car, so he pulled the collar up at his neck.
“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Haley said as she climbed out and shut the door. She had to be cold now in her light jacket, but she didn’t complain.
“I’m just tired.”
“Oh.”
The streetlights near her mother’s house weren’t powerful enough for him to get a look at her face, but he could just imagine the uncertainty he would see there. He tried to shake away the image of shining dampness in those lovely blue eyes.
Even now that he recognized the mistake it had been to kiss her, his arms still ached to hold her again. For this reason, he was careful not to touch her as he walked with her to the front door. Kissing her had felt like crossing the finish line in a race that until then had followed an endless circular track. He sensed that she held the answers to questions he hadn’t thought to ask.
Stop. He couldn’t afford to need someone the way he was beginning to need Haley. He couldn’t rely on someone else to fill the broken place in his heart. And even if he were to put his trust in someone, he shouldn’t have picked Haley.
He could tell himself she was different from the flighty woman he’d always known, but just her fickleness in so easily forgetting her former fiancé should have told him that nothing had changed. He was the same, as well, still drawn to the type of person who was most likely to leave. He couldn’t help but repeat his mistakes.
She stopped on her doorstep and turned to face him. He could see her face now under her mother’s porch light.
“Do you think your mother’s watching out the window?”
“No. Only lights with timers are on. She’s probably still at your mother’s.”
“Good.”
“Why is that?”
He shrugged, not wanting to tell her that the last thing they needed would be witnesses watching out the window. This conversation would be hard enough.
As if she knew what he’d planned to say, Haley met his gaze with resolve in her expression. Until then Matthew had been reluctant to tell Haley the news about his employee search, but now he realized he’d saved it for when he would need to put distance between them.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you that I’ve finally found a permanent provider for Elizabeth’s child care.”
Her eyes widened, signaling that she hadn’t expected that to be the subject they would discuss.
When she didn’t say anything, Matthew rushed forward to fill the awkward silence. “Her name is Mrs. White. She’s perfect. She’s a retired preschool teacher who’s just dying to play grandma to another child. She’ll even be able to work with Elizabeth more on her pre-kindergarten skills.”
“I see” was all Haley said.
“Well, I knew we were ending our month-long agreement, and I figured you’d be anxious to get back to your own life. You can start a new career if you like or even go back to school.” He paused, trying to read her expression, but she was looking at the ground instead of at him. “You said you were thinking about getting your master’s in fine arts.”
“I said I’d thought about it,” she answered blandly. “I haven’t made any decision about it.”
“You know, we never discussed this being a permanent arrangement. It was temporary, until you got back on your feet and until I found someone who could settle into this position long-term.”
“That’s true.” She appeared to accept his words, but her tone suggested she didn’t agree.
The realization that she wasn’t going to make this easy annoyed him. He was only doing what he thought was necessary for his child, even following their agreement. When had the rules changed?
When you fell in love with her.
The words reverberated in his thoughts, but he refused to accept the accusation in them. He’d known Haley was perfect. Had he only continued to search for a permanent replacement just to keep Haley at arm’s length?
If he answered yes, that lent suspicion to what he was doing now. It was both a test and a defense. He hated admitting it, but the truth remained there, accusing him. His feelings for her had terrified him, so he’d thrown the existence of her replacement at her like a shield. Would she leave now that she knew he’d filled the job? Would she have left eventually, anyway?
For a few seconds it had seemed reasonable, but now it felt only like a preemptive strike against an unarmed opponent.
Haley forced herself to look up at him, though his words squeezed her heart like an angry fist. Lips that had touched hers only an hour ago were telling her that he didn’t want her. Again. Only this time he was sending her away from Elizabeth’s life, as well. That only increased her heartbreak. Maybe they hadn’t discussed her serving as the child’s permanent caregiver, but Haley had tried to make her desire for that clear to him.
After Matthew’s public invitation to her last night and then their date tonight, she had dared to hope for more than even a job. Maybe she could be someone far dearer to both the child and her father. It was a dare Haley shouldn’t have taken.
“So, you brought me out tonight to tell me this information?”
“No.” He shook his head, and then he stopped, blowing out a frustrated breath. “I kept trying to come up with a good time to tell you.”
“You chose this one. And the other was…what? A bonus?”
Though Haley knew she was being unkind, she couldn’t stop herself. She was hurting and striking back. The kisses they’d shared had been so sweet and exciting, and now the memory of them had dulled. She’d seen possibilities with Matthew tonight, but she’d been wrong. Wanting things didn’t make them real.
“It’s not like that.” He shoved a hand back through his hair. “It was…I don’t know what it was. A mistake. Probably that.”
“Finally, something we can both agree on.”
His gaze darted to the side of the house where Trina Scott’s flower boxes sat barren, waiting to be filled with colorful annuals. He turned back to Haley, an incredulous expression on his face.
“Don’t you want to get back to your life?”
From his expression, it was clear that the idea that she would want to stay in Markston had never crossed his mind. Haley’s eyes stung with the tears she would cry later, but she held them back now. She needed to have her say first.
“Don’t you realize that you and Lizzie are my life?” She had accidentally used the child’s nickname again, but at this point, she didn’t care. “The only life I want.”
Seeing the surprise in his expression stung Haley’s spirit. After tonight, could he still not know how she felt about him? How much she cared for both of them? But a new realization filtered through her thoughts, filling her heart with a hopeless ache. He believed she would leave his family eventually, so he wanted to beat her to the punch.
“When are you ever going to trust someone not to leave you? If you go through life being afraid to trust anyone, you’re going to end up alone someday. Do you want that?”
“I can trust. This is just about the job and what’s best for Elizabeth.”
Haley shook her head at him, not believing the lie he had to be telling himself as much as her. “Not everyone is like your father or even your ex-wife. Some parents hang around to see how their kids turn out. Some husbands and wives choose to grow old together. True love stays, Matthew, even when it’s hard.”
Matthew crossed his arms over his chest. “Your track record doesn’t exactly inspire much confidence.”
Haley opened her mouth to respond, but she couldn’t get the words past the lump that had formed in her throat, so she clicked her teeth closed. She could say that he’d just confirmed the insecurity she’d accused him of, but it wouldn’t have made any difference. The truth was out now, maybe the whole truth, and nothing could have hurt her more. The problem wasn’t that Matthew couldn’t trust anyone. The retired teacher seemed to have his trust without even earning it. He simply couldn’t trust her.
“Look, I didn’t mean that,” Matthew began, but she shook her head to stop him.
“Yes, you did.”
And the fact that he did hurt even more. Hugging herself against the wind that suddenly felt cooler, Haley remembered how confident she’d felt knowing that Matthew counted on her to care for his precious child. Finally, someone had put his trust in her, without expecting her to fail. Now she realized that he’d never trusted her at all. More than that, she knew now that as much as she’d longed for Matthew’s love, she needed his trust more.
“I’m not the same, unfocused person you used to know.”
Though Matthew opened his mouth as if to apologize again for saying what he believed to be true, Haley pressed on. It was time that she had her say.
“I’ve tried to prove that to you, but nothing I do ever will be good enough for you.”
For a long time, he said nothing, and when he did speak, he didn’t look at her. “That’s not fair.”
“Maybe not, but you and I know that life isn’t fair.”
Exhaustion making her limbs heavy, Haley decided it was time to stop hollering into the wind. If all of her efforts hadn’t changed his mind about her, nothing she said would make any difference. She had more important matters to concern herself with now.
“Have you already told Elizabeth about her new sitter?”
“I was waiting until after we talked,” he explained. “Besides, Elizabeth would have told you.”
“That’s true. When will your new person…Mrs. White…be starting?” If nothing else, at least she could help make the transition smoother for Elizabeth.
“She said she could start tomorrow if I needed her to.”
“Oh.”
He didn’t have to say it, but she realized that Mrs. White, not her, would be caring for Elizabeth tomorrow. For the first time, Haley had a job she wouldn’t choose to leave, and now she was being forced out.
“It’s probably best,” he said, as if he understood what she’d been thinking. “Are you going to be okay?”
Surprised by his concern, Haley looked up at him and tried to put on her bravest face. “Oh, sure. I’ll be fine.” She waved away his worry with a brush of her hand.
“I’m not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe school. Maybe another job. I probably will leave Markston because there’s not really anything for me here, but the rest I still have to figure out.”
“I’m sure you’ll do well at whatever you choose,” he said in a platitude that offered no real comfort.
The wind kicked up then, and Haley shivered, zipping her flimsy jacket to the base of her neck.
Matthew cleared his throat. “You’re getting cold, so why don’t you go inside? I need to get home anyway.”
Haley dug in her purse for her house keys, pulled open the screen door and inserted the key in the dead bolt. As she heard the sound of his retreating steps, she looked at him over her shoulder.
“Matthew.”
At first he only stopped, but then he turned to face her. “Yes?”
“Do you remember when I told you I would be here for you and Elizabeth as long as you needed me?” As she waited for his nod, her lower lip trembled. “I hoped you would need me forever.”
Matthew turned away, his shoulders falling forward, as he hurried to his car.
Haley unlocked the door and pushed it open, glancing back in time to see his car pull away from the curb. The tears she’d valiantly held in check while she’d talked to him now blurred her view of his departure, but she continued to watch until his taillights disappeared around the corner. She stepped inside the house, rubbing her hands up and down her arms in a vain effort to take away the chill that was as much in her bones as on her skin. She was convinced she would never be warm again.
His house was too quiet when Matthew came in through the garage entry fifteen minutes later. The silence mocked him as he crossed to the closet and hung his coat. The absence of the laughter, the chatter and the sheer volume he’d come to expect in his home felt like a hole that swallowed the space.
He started toward the stairs, seeking the comfort of watching his little girl sleep, but he stopped, remembering she wasn’t home. Why hadn’t he asked his mother to watch Elizabeth here instead of at her house so the child could sleep in her own bed? Now he would have to wake Elizabeth early at his mother’s house so he could bring her home in time to meet Mrs. White. This meeting would be hard enough without Elizabeth already being in a sour mood.
Not the first time since he’d made that rash decision, he questioned the wisdom of springing his daughter’s new care provider on her. It wasn’t really fair to bring Anna White in at such a disadvantage, but he hadn’t really had a choice. After the conversation he’d shared with Haley tonight, he couldn’t ask her to give two weeks’ notice before quitting a job she didn’t want to leave.
She wanted to stay. He just couldn’t wrap his thoughts around that. Sure, she thought that was what she wanted, but how long would she continue to feel that way? How long before she found another project that interested her more?
She talked a good game; he had to give her that. She’d sounded so believable when she said that he and Elizabeth were her life. At least he understood that she really believed what she was saying.
He couldn’t allow himself to trust her words, he decided, as he moved from room to room picking up the few toys and couch pillows that were out of place. He didn’t want to see the changes Haley had made to his home and family in the month since she’d been back in Markston, either, but he couldn’t escape them.
In the kitchen, the refrigerator door was decorated with the construction-paper Easter bunny and the abstract potato painting Elizabeth had made with Haley just last week. The living room was spotless now, but he could still picture the mess when he’d arrived home to see Haley and Elizabeth sprawled on the floor playing with dolls. He would never be able to look at the dining table again without having the urge to get a close shave.
She might have made her mark here, but he knew, no matter what she’d said, she would never stay. Just tonight she’d confirmed his suspicion when she said she would probably be leaving town. Always flighty, she’d admitted she didn’t know what to do with her life now.
Didn’t that justify his worries? He’d known she would leave eventually. He couldn’t be wrong trying to protect his daughter from the pain of that. He couldn’t be wrong to act first instead of waiting for that pain to come.
Finally giving up his pacing from room to room, Matthew went to his bedroom and climbed under the covers. But though he closed his eyes, he couldn’t shut out the thoughts that convicted him rather than Haley in their face-off. He tried to focus on her admission that she was leaving, but other things she’d said began to nibble through the layers of his defenses.
I hoped you would need me forever. When she’d first spoken those words that he recognized were about more than her job, Matthew had resisted them the best he could. He’d walked away. Now he could escape neither the words nor the accusation from the woman who’d invaded his world and carved a place for herself in it.
Just whom had he been protecting anyway? As much as he wanted to believe that he sought to shield his daughter, the truth hit even closer to home. His feelings for Haley were frightening and so different from those he’d ever felt for anyone, including his ex-wife. How could he act on those feelings and risk the overwhelming loss he would feel when she left?
Haley, on the other hand, seemed fearless as she took a risk and followed her heart. She challenged him to do the same, to trust even after people in his life had proven untrustworthy. As someone who’d been burned herself, Haley made taking that kind of risk look easy. It wasn’t.
I hoped you would need me forever. Now those words ate at him as he lay in the darkness of his room, his eyes focused on a ceiling hidden among the shadows. Had he made a mistake? Haley had warned him that if he didn’t learn to trust, he would end up alone someday, but “someday” had come sooner than he would have thought.
His fear of trusting already had cost him a lot over the last few years. Now it had cost him the woman who mattered more to him than he’d ever thought anyone could. How could he survive without Haley?