WE WENT TO stand at the end of the porch far enough away from the screaming toddlers and the families dressed like they’d just come from church. Newman, Livingston, and Kaitlin stayed on the other end of the porch so we’d have privacy, but they were watching us, so we’d have to be careful of what we let them see, and there would be no shouting.
“There is no fear in you, just anger. Why?” Olaf asked.
“Why am I angry? Or why am I not afraid?”
“Both.”
“Look, if you really mean it that I’m . . . the Woman for you, that I’m your Irenie, or whatever, you need to understand the basics of consent.”
“I touched your knee. That is not a sexual area.”
“The fuck it’s not,” I said, lowering my voice as I saw a toddler race past us with a harassed woman chasing him. “If I let you touch me someplace that isn’t technically an erogenous zone, then you’ll touch me again without my permission, and maybe next time, it will be somewhere that’s more sexual. I learned a long time ago with men that I have to draw the line early on, or they just keep pushing.”
“It was not a big deal.”
“It’s my body, so if you want to touch me anywhere, then you need to ask me first, and I have to say yes.”
He stared at me. “You are joking.”
“No, I’m not. Jean-Claude had to learn to keep his hands to himself, too.”
“He had to ask permission to touch you?”
“When we first started out, yes. I’m a little confused on boundaries with some people because of the metaphysics involved, but if I have a choice, I go slow. Besides, Newman saw you, and the other two knew something happened.”
“If you had not reacted to it, they would not have known.”
“Maybe, but I’m not going to sit quietly like a good little girl while anyone touches me without my permission. Anyone in my life has to earn the right to touch me.”
“But you do not have to earn the right to touch me. Women can do anything to a man, and we are just supposed to be flattered at the attention.”
“No, that’s not right either.”
“Am I wrong about everything?” He was starting to be angry now.
“No. I mean, it’s not fair. It’s a double standard that women can grope men and not be in trouble, but men get in trouble in the reverse. I think everyone should keep their hands to themselves until they have the other person’s consent. It’s about mutual respect of one another’s bodies and personal space.”
“I would not mind if you touched my knee.”
“Even if we were to the point of casual touch like that, I wouldn’t do it at a business breakfast with other cops.”
“So your objection is that it was unprofessional?”
“Part of it, yes.”
“I am sorry if it was unprofessional.”
I’d been ready to start yelling, but his apology caught me off guard. “If you don’t do it again, then I accept your apology, and thank you for saying it.”
“You are welcome, Anita. You know I do not understand consent.”
“I think you understand it, Ol . . . Otto. You just ignored it until now.”
He seemed to think that over and finally nodded. “I will accept that. I did not care about a woman’s consent, because it wasn’t necessary.”
“You took what you wanted,” I said.
He nodded. “I do not want to take from you, Anita.”
“Then that means I need to offer it. Personal intimacy is like a gift that you give each other. Does that make any sense to you?”
“I think I understand what you mean.”
“Good,” I said.
Olaf leaned in close and smelled my hair like he had over at the sheriff’s office, but I wasn’t afraid this time. I don’t know if it was the bright sunlight and the crowd of families with kids, or other cops being nearby, or maybe I was just done with being scared of him.
“You do not smell like fear now. Do you think you’ve tamed me?”
“No, never. You are what you’ve always been: a big, dangerous predator. Do your preferences toward women scare me? Yes, but you keep saying you want to date me or have a relationship with me. I finally realized when you touched me in there that I’ve been so busy treating you like the big bad wolf that I haven’t taken the time to tell you any of my preferences. If this is supposed to be some kind of relationship, then you need to know my dating rules, just like I need to know yours.”
“I do not think I have dating rules, since I have never truly dated anyone.”
“Fair enough, but since I’ve dated more people than you have, maybe it’s my job to help you figure out your dating rules.”
He took in a deep breath and let it out slow. “Dating you is going to be difficult.”
“You aren’t the first person to say that.”
“Dating me is far more than just difficult, Anita.”
“Yeah, I know it’s potentially life-threatening.”
“Yes,” he said, face solemn, as if the answer made him sad.
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?” he asked.
“If you realize you can’t fight your serial killer urges when it comes to me, warn me.”
“I will give you my word, if you will give me your word on something else.”
“What?” I asked.
“That you will truly give me a chance to date you.”
“Maybe we should figure out what dating means to us before I give my word. I’d hate to promise something and then find out that you meant something very different.”
“That is both fair and logical,” he said.
“Thanks.”
“Then first we need to define what dating means to me,” he said.
“Just you?” I asked.
“You know what dating means for you, because you’ve done it. I have not dated in any way that you would approve of for yourself.”
“You’ve never taken a woman out to dinner or a movie or anything, not ever?”
“I’ve only done that if I was pretending to be someone else and the woman was necessary to maintain my cover.”
“I keep forgetting that you and Ted used to be in the same business.” In my head, I thought of them as supersecret assassins.
“We still are.”
“Okay, so then we have to figure out what dating really means for you.”
“How do I do that?”
“Figure out what you enjoy doing that someone else could do with you.”
“Something that we would both enjoy?” he asked.
“Preferably, yes.”
He nodded again. “I will think on it.”
“Good. Now let’s join the others and get back to work.”
“I enjoy killing people with you. Could that count as a date?”
I shook my head. “No, nothing illegal counts.”
He sighed. “Dating is harder than I thought it would be.”
“Always,” I said.