Mr. Koski, I have good news for you,” I told him first thing in the morning. “The board has reviewed your records and you are eligible for parole. You’re eighty-one years old now. Is that correct? You’ve served your sentence. If we can find placement for you, you’ll be able to leave within a few days.”
Finn’s face crumpled. He ran his hands through his thinning hair. “Within a few days?”
I took off my glasses and looked at him. “I thought you’d be pleased that you’ll be able to go home and garden, maybe spend some time with your children and grandchildren.” The end of my pencil was missing its eraser from my chewing on it. This was my first release. I wanted him to be as elated as I was.
“My children don’t want me,” he grunted. “They think I killed their mother. I haven’t seen my grandchildren since their grandma died.”
I leaned forward in my chair until we were an arm’s length distance apart. “Mr. Koski, I don’t know what to say. Josie, our social worker, will arrange for a meeting with your children and perhaps your grandchildren, who must also be adults by now.”
“I’m not gonna be a burden to ’em.” Finn crossed his arms over his chest. “They have their own lives.” His breathing had become audible.
I nodded noncommittally and crossed my right leg over my left. “I understand how you might feel this way, but let’s try to see it from their point of view. It’s possible they would welcome you home and enjoy time spent with their father and grandfather.”
Our eyes met and Finn looked away. “You don’t know that.”
“No, I don’t know that,” I admitted, “but isn’t it worth the chance to find out?”
The corner of Finn’s mouth twitched and he attempted a tight-lipped smile. “What if you’re wrong?”
“If I’m wrong, Josie Garrett, our social worker, will find housing for you. It’s a new beginning, Mr. Koski.”
Finn traced figure eights on the desk. “I’m too old for a new start. What I had with Eva was all I ever wanted. Without her, there’s no home to go back to. There’s no new beginning.”
“I’ll have Josie call your family and then we’ll take it from there, okay?” My stomach began to rumble. It was getting close to lunchtime. Come on, Mr. Koski. I have enough to worry about, I thought.
“I tell you, I’m not going anywhere,” he said as he got up to leave.
I hadn’t anticipated Mr. Koski might not want to leave the unit. Josie had to have dealt with this issue in her ten years with the bureau. I gave her a call and asked if she’d had lunch yet.
An hour later, we were sharing sandwiches and Josie’s homemade oatmeal cookies. “Can you believe it? Every single patient in this place is dying to get out of here, and the one who’s eligible doesn’t want to leave!”
“You’re new here. It’s not so surprising, really.” Josie brought a lunch that could feed three people, but she was still as slim as a twelve-year-old-boy. She brushed dark curls out of her eyes. “It’s pretty common actually. Not everyone has a place to go, sad as it may seem.”
“Josie, how many ear piercings do you have?” I was counting the rows of gold rings climbing the cartilage of both of Josie’s ears.
“Twelve. Shhhhh. Let’s not mention a word of it, okay? Warden Briscoe doesn’t seem the type who would appreciate piercings, even those you can’t see.” She winked. “I try to keep them covered.”
“Anyway … what do you think about Mr. Koski? Do you suppose his family will take him in?”
“I wish they would but it’s not likely. He was ill a few years ago and I called his daughter to let them know, but she wanted nothing to do with him. They’ve never even come to visit.”
I swallowed the cheese along with a lump in my throat. “That’s just heartbreaking,” I said and got up to throw the plastic wrap from my sandwich away. “Really? So, where does a person like Mr. Koski go if his family doesn’t want him?”
“We’ll probably send him to a halfway house or a nursing home somewhere where they’ll take him. Elderly men with a record are hard to place, even if they’ve served their sentence with no incidents. I’ll have to start looking.”
“But even under extenuating circumstances? How many halfway houses are there in Minnesota?”
“Not necessarily here, Grace. I’ve placed patients all over the country and escorted them there personally. Could be anywhere. Wanna cookie?”
“Sure.” I reached across the desk. “Don’t tell me that. Mr. Koski is always talking about his farm. Didn’t one of his kids stay there? I don’t know if he could live anywhere else. Yumm. These are delicious, by the way. Did you make them?”
“Nah, Melanie’s the baker in our house. I’ll see what I can do. In some ways, he really might be better off staying here, but I know how that’ll go. The warden will want him outta here ASAP. Well, back to work! Let’s do lunch again sometime.” Josie smiled. “I’m glad we’re getting close.”
“Me too. I’m still waiting to get together with Melanie and the kids,” I said on my way out. I thought about Josie’s comment on my way to the dayroom. I’d missed having female friends and was grateful to have met her.
The day crawled by. When it was finally time to go home, I poked my head into the dayroom. Mr. Koski was seated next to Tyrell, staring out the window. Under the thin veil of dry, wrinkled skin, his face was tight with anxiety. Tyrell’s voice boomed, “Now, that’s just fine, Finn. Just fine! Praise the Lord.”
I’d never imagined leaving here could be an adjustment in itself. That someone might actually want to die here. I hoped Josie could find him a place to stay where he didn’t have a curfew and could sit at his wife’s grave once in a while.
* * *
The next morning the dreary wintry weather made a return visit. “Hey, Josie? I’m swamped with meetings today but I wanted to ask how it’s going with finding Mr. Koski a placement.”
“Good news and bad news,” Josie said. “His release is set for next week … that’s the good news.”
“And the bad news?”
“The bad news is I told his daughter he was being released and she went ballistic. She says she’s in poor health and can’t take care of her father. She blames him for her mother’s death. The grandchildren are in college so they’re out of the picture and there’s really no one else.”
“Shit. That’s crazy. From what I’ve read and what he’s told me, his wife was terminally ill and it was her last request that he help her die. He’s served his time. Now what?”
“I’ve found him a placement in a halfway house in town, so more good news. At least he’ll be in familiar surroundings,” Josie said.
The radiator blasted dry heat into my office. I took off my sweater and stretched. “I guess I’ll have to tell him today, huh?”
“Yup, I guess you will. Talk to you soon, okay? I have a conference call in a few minutes.”
“Thanks, Josie. Let’s get together with the kids soon, okay?”
“Will do,” she said before hanging up.
Not long afterwards, there was a knock at my door. “Good morning, Mr. Koski. Come on in.” I had kicked my shoes off earlier and hoped he wouldn’t notice I was in my stocking feet behind the desk.
Mr. Koski’s thin-lipped smile stretched across his wizened cheeks. His joints creaked audibly as he lowered himself into the chair across from my desk and waited for me to speak.
“The good news is you’ll be released within a few days,” I told him, still hoping he would be pleased to hear the news.
His smile faded instantly. His speckled hands flew to his forehead. “What if I don’t want to go?”
“Josie Garrett, our social worker, has found a halfway house for you.”
“A halfway house?” He folded both arms across his chest.
“Yes. It’s here, in Rochester. You’ll be able to come and go, walk to town if you’d like. It looks like she might even have a job lined up for you at a plant nursery nearby. I think you’ll really like it, Mr. Koski.”
“What about going back home to live?”
“I’m afraid that’s no longer a possibility. Josie contacted your daughter and she seems to be too ill herself to assume responsibility for you. I think this is the best option. What do you think?”
“I think if the best option is to die alone in a halfway house, I’d rather die here where everyone knows my story and I don’t have to tell it again.”
Shadows shifted and obscured his face as I phrased my words as appealingly as a perfectly wrapped gift. “I’m afraid this is the only option available to us, Mr. Koski.”
“I could stay here, couldn’t I? Like Tyrell and Emanuel and the other guys. At least the ones who aren’t on drugs, you know? They know me. I don’t have to prove anything to nobody here. They know I did what I did ’cause I loved Eva.”
“Mr. Koski, you don’t have to mention anything about your background when you go to Oakwood Manor. Josie knows the social worker there. You’ll be another patient to them. Like everyone else.”
“But I’m not like everyone else, Doc. Don’t you get it? I did something that no one but these guys here will ever understand. Not mentioning it’s like losing Eva again. I already made my peace with the fact I’d die here.”
The sky darkened to a faint violet. Shadows lengthened and I switched on the light. “I know how difficult these transitions are, but you’ve served your sentence and you’ll be discharged next week. Josie will be bringing you to Oakwood Manor since your daughter is not able to assume responsibility for you. I’m sorry. Perhaps you can contact your daughter from there and see if reconciliation is possible.”
“I don’t think so, Doc. I’m an old man. If she hasn’t seen me in the thirteen years I’ve been here I don’t know why she would change her mind now.”
“Our time is up, Mr. Koski. I wish you the best.”
Mr. Koski gripped his armrests to propel himself out of the chair. “I wish you hadn’t done this, young lady.”
I looked at him questioningly. No sooner had he left, the phone rang.
“Dr. Rendeau?” a woman’s voice asked. “This is Kirsti Niemi, Finn Koski’s daughter.”
Maybe she’s changed her mind. “Yes, Mrs. Niemi? This is Dr. Rendeau. I was just speaking to your father.”
“Dr. Rendeau, I want to know just what you think you’re doing releasing the man who killed my mother,” she said in a venomous voice.
My heart thumped in my chest as I fought for the appropriate response.
“What’s a matter? Cat got your tongue?” Mrs. Niemi hissed. “My mother was a good woman. She didn’t deserve to die that way.”
I silently counted to three. “Mrs. Niemi, I understand the social worker contacted you to tell you your father was being released. As his psychiatrist, I can assure you he’s served his sentence and is no longer a threat to anyone.”
“Yeah, well, he was a threat to my mother wasn’t he?”
“I’m sorry I can’t get into the specifics of why he did what he did. I understand your mother was terminally ill.”
“He didn’t have the right to take her life into his own hands.” Her voice was bitter. “Who knows how long my mother might have had? He became unbalanced when my mother got sick and finally took leave of his senses and smothered her,” she said with a sob.
“Mrs. Niemi, there are often extenuating circumstances you may not understand. Why don’t you talk to your father and give him a chance to explain?”
“I never want to see or talk to that man again, you hear me? And if you know what’s good for you, you won’t let him out on the street. Understand?”
“Are you threatening me?” This day was going from bad to worse. “I’m sorry if you don’t understand that your father has served his sentence and is in need of some family support right now, but I think this conversation is over.”
“Maybe you don’t know that my mother and father had a very stormy relationship,” Mrs. Niemi said.
“What?” I massaged my temples.
“That’s right. Whatever he has told you about killing my mother out of mercy, is really because he never forgave her for not being the wife he wanted. They separated once.”
“When was this?” I asked, looking at my watch.
“Twenty years ago.”
“Mrs. Niemi, I hardly think a separation that happened twenty years ago would be motive enough to kill someone. Your father has served the sentence for the crime he was found guilty of. No matter what so called ‘evidence’ you might want to bring forth now, he cannot be tried again.”
Finn’s daughter slammed the phone down. Could the separation have played any role in Finn suffocating his wife? The office was shrouded in a blanket of darkness. The jarring zig-zag lights in the periphery of my vision signaled a migraine. A roar sounded behind my eyes. I wished I could go home and crawl into bed. What a way to end the day. It could only get better.
* * *
A week later, I got the news. Josie called me to say, “There’s a bed for Mr. Koski at Oakwood Manor.”
“What? So soon?”
“It’s available now. Mr. Koski will be transferred today. They’ve agreed to take him, and I don’t want to waste any time.”
“Oh, Josie, no!”
“Grace, what’s wrong with you? He’s getting out of prison, for God’s sake.”
“I know, but it seems like this place has come to be his home. Do I at least have time to say goodbye? I’ve grown kind of attached to him.”
“If you hurry. I have a car and an officer outside now to escort him to the halfway house with me,” Josie answered.
I flew to the dayroom, expecting to see Finn in his usual spot by the window. “Mr. Perkins, have you seen Finn?” I deliberately took slow, deep breaths.
“Yes, ma’am, he’s in his room packing now, praise the Lord.”
“Thanks, I’ll catch him there.”
“Mr. Koski?” I knocked on his door.
Finn turned, looking older and more defeated than I had ever seen him look. He wore ill-fitting civilian clothes and shiny new shoes. “They’re kickin’ me outta here, today, ya know.”
“I wanted to come and wish you the best, Mr. Koski. Congratulations on your release.”
“Congratulations? You must not know anything about halfway houses, young lady. Or about being unwanted. I’m sorry, but this is not the last you’ll hear of me.”
There was nothing more to say. “Well, goodbye, Finn.” I wanted to talk to Alex although it was hard to verbalize to anyone who didn’t work in a prison how attached I had become to certain patients. Even though they were seen as monsters, they were, after all, human.