The days melted into one another. Like a dripping candle, each began with a drip of memory and dried into a brittle clump of pain. The missing posters had clung to trees and bulletin boards for almost a month. There were still no leads. The worst scenario was becoming the most likely. There was a rhythm in my sadness, one not for the faint of heart.
That morning, I rinsed out my coffee mug cup and despite Alex’s bullheadedness about Dayna I dialed her number. She answered on the first ring and I stammered that I needed to see her.
“Grace. I thought you might call. Matt has been trying to contact you. We have unfinished business, don’t we?” she asked.
I gasped. “You saw him the first time I was there. I don’t know how you knew about Matt but I’m going to trust you saw him. I need you to help me find my children. Does that sound crazy? Oh, God, I’m going crazy.” Could it be my mind was constructing elaborate defense mechanisms to protect me from the horror of what had happened?
“You’re not going crazy. I’m going to help you, Grace.”
It was such a seductive idea to talk to Matt again. I couldn’t help but be drawn in, caressed by the thought of what Dayna said was true. None of what Dayna had just professed sounded crazy to me. “I need to see you.”
“Two o’clock?” she suggested.
“Two o’clock.” After making the appointment, I climbed upstairs and, exhausted with the effort, searched through my closet for anything that still fit. My jeans had grown to be a size too large and my sweaters, baggy and shapeless.
Two hours later, I sat in the empty waiting room and picked up a copy of Two Worlds Magazine. It seems I had developed a strange sort of attention disorder. I was unable to focus on anything before my mind wandered down the familiar track and all its terrifying possibilities.
An elderly woman, leaning heavily on her cane, came out of Dayna’s studio. Her lavender-tinted curls sprung tightly from a pinkish scalp. She carried a purse the size of Mary Poppins’s magic carpetbag. The woman beamed, her small blue eyes buried under a mass of wrinkles. Under any other circumstances, I might have suspected Dayna Light was a fraud but I had begun to believe she might be a last hope to many.
Dayna was dressed in fuchsia. A form fitting long-sleeved tee, black and fuchsia print flowing skirt, strappy leather sandals and her signature dangling gemstone earrings. The room was as soothing as I remembered it to be. The aquarium still gurgled in the corner and the plants still reached toward the slanted light coming through the wide slatted bamboo shades.
I brought Matt’s powder blue Fair Isle sweater with me, the only piece of clothing I kept because it was his favorite. The soft sweater sat in my lap as warm and soft as a kitten.
Dayna drew the blinds, letting in softly filtered light and sat down opposite me. “Sometimes a spirit takes control of my voice and uses it to relay a message. Don’t be alarmed. I have a feeling …” she murmured before breaking off suddenly.
My heart felt as though it might burst out of my chest and lie shuddering on the table between us. I caressed Matt’s sweater and watched Dayna’s eyelids flutter. Only the babbling aquarium and the occasional slosh of one of the neon-colored fish broke the silence. Dayna’s face seemed to contort and change before my eyes. After several minutes, she murmured, “Grace,” in a voice decidedly not her own.
“Matt?” It was clear that it was not Dayna who had spoken. I was too stunned to be frightened. “Matt?” I repeated. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she nodded. The hush in the room took on a life of its own as I waited for him to respond.
“What’s wrong?” Dayna’s voice asked.
It was as though a vortex of heat or light or energy passed through the room. Something I didn’t understand. “The kids,” I whispered, “are missing.” They were the last words I had ever imagined saying to anyone, let alone Matt.
“Don’t worry, Grace. I love you,” Dayna said and then shook her head and opened her eyes. The energy in the room shifted and it became apparent he was gone.
It had been Matt speaking to me. “Where is he? Where are they?” I asked, almost as devastated as when he had left me the first time.
“Grace, I’m sorry. We connected but then the static made it impossible to continue. Possibly we can try again next week.”
It took several minutes for me to compose myself enough to be able to stand. I took out my wallet and happily paid Dayna’s exorbitant fee, refusing to let my worry about Alex’s reaction destroy my last hope.
As I walked along Nelson Street, I taped more fliers onto the quaint lampposts and clung to the belief Matt was right and the children were alive. My children’s faces stared back at me as if in encouragement. Stillwater was a Midwest suburb where the American dream could do nothing but come true. Through Matt, I felt I had found my answer.
* * *
Rush-hour traffic flowed smoothly through Inver Grove Heights. This time a year ago, Caleigh and I had driven to the nearby Mall of America for school shopping. We had made a mother-daughter day of it and had dinner afterwards at Ruby Tuesday. The thought slammed me with a nausea as overwhelming as morning sickness. I thought about pulling over and throwing up, but instead, dug in my purse for a pack of spearmint gum. With one hand, I pulled off a stick and chewed until my jaw ached and the nausea subsided.
The session with Dayna reverberated in my head. Alex and my in-laws would think I was losing my mind, but I was certain it was Matt speaking to me. I debated whether to tell Alex. The feeling that Matt had been in the room was just so real. It had been comforting, actually, not at all frightening or eerie in the way I might have expected. The knowledge that the children were alive and safe gave me something hopeful to focus on. Matt would not lie to me about that.
Apple Valley, Cannon Falls, Zumbrota, and Pine Island passed by in a blur. Half an hour later, County Road 14 loomed on the horizon and I followed the familiar road home. It was well past five when I arrived. Alex sat on the front porch. “Where were you?” he demanded. “I’ve been worried sick.” The heat was still oppressive although the late afternoon light fell in low rays across the porch. Sweat beaded on a half-empty bottle of beer beside him. There were two empty bottles strewn on the floor.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I left in a rush and forgot to leave a note. Honestly, I thought I’d be home before you got here.” I wondered why I was always the one apologizing.
“Jesus! I thought something had happened to you. Why didn’t you answer my calls or texts?”
“I went to Stillwater,” I said feebly. “I turned my phone off.”
“Again? Come on, Grace. I don’t want you getting your hopes up going to some charlatan who could have gotten the information about Matt dying of cancer anywhere. You know, for a doctor, you’re not being very intelligent about this.”
“I know you don’t, but I believe her. It sounds crazy but Matt’s spirit took control of her voice and he spoke to me! He said they’re okay and that he loves me and not to worry …”
Alex’s fists clenched. “You can’t possibly believe that …” he said, raising his voice. “How much did you pay her for this? Don’t you see what she’s trying to do, sweetheart? She’s taking advantage of your heartbreak and telling you what you want to hear. She didn’t tell you anything different from what she told you last time.” He took a swig of beer and offered me the bottle. “I don’t want you to be hurt by someone who is most likely a fake. Come on, sit down. Do you want me to get you a glass of wine?”
“No, I’m fine.” I stood taller. “I know it sounds bizarre, but it was him, I swear it.”
“After you went the first time, I did a little research on it. I didn’t want to discourage you but I can’t let you be fooled into thinking you’re talking to a dead person. Grace, listen to me, there aren’t any instances of psychics providing any information that’s been more helpful than other information received in a case.”
His reason fueled my anger like kindling. “How can you be so sure? Isn’t it just possible, that maybe there is something out there that we … that you … don’t understand, and apparently don’t even want to understand?”
“Listen.” He put his hands on my shoulders. Our failure to keep the children safe hung between us. “I’m sorry to discourage you but anybody can have a fifty percent hit or miss rate when guessing about a person’s whereabouts. Psychics predict the body will be found in a shallow grave in a wooded area and believe me, I’m not saying this is true or that I believe it about Caleigh and Dane, but it is a common prediction. But think about it, when murder victims are found, it’s usually in a shallow grave. What killer takes time to dig a deep grave? And yes, they’re in wooded areas, because they have to be out of sight.”
I paced like an angry guard dog. “You think they’re dead, don’t you?”
“Maybe …” he hesitated. “Maybe it’s time to prepare for the possibility that we may not find them, sweetheart.”
A flush rose like wildfire in my face. “Maybe that’s what you want. You never really wanted to be their father anyway, did you?”
“How can you even say such a thing?” Alex demanded. “You know that’s not true. I know you’re upset, but what’s going to help is what Meyers suggested. More television appearances and interviews, not some vague suggestions by a psychic. All she has to do is throw out a few ambiguous remarks, and then read your reactions. You want to believe her and she knows this. What did ‘Matt’ actually say?”
“He said I’m troubled and not to worry, they’re okay.” I suddenly understood my patients’ reactions to similar efforts I had made to disengage them of their delusions and I vowed never to destroy anyone’s hopes again. “I don’t know why you’re being so bullheaded about this.”
“Don’t you see what she’s doing? That’s exactly what you want to hear. ‘That they’re fine and not to worry,’” he said as gently as if he were talking to a child. “Why don’t we hire a private investigator? We know they got into a car. Someone has to have seen two kids fitting their description at a gas station or a convenience store or a rest stop.”
“I’m going inside. I don’t want us to start keeping secrets from each other, but I’m sorry I told you what happened today.” This latest development felt like a nightmare happening to someone else.
“I’m sorry, Grace. But I can’t let you go on believing in something that’s never been proven. I don’t want to have to be on guard with you all the time. To be afraid to tell you what I think.”
Fat tears slid down my cheeks. The exhilaration I’d felt leaving Dayna’s seemed to deflate in one huge whoosh. Alex slipped his arms around my waist, but I pulled away. “I’m worried about the kids, but also about us. This would be horrible enough for an old married couple but we were just beginning our lives together …” I choked back tears. “Maybe it’s better if we …”
“If we what? Separate?”
I stared at the meadow without a word.
“Grace, I love those kids,” Alex said, “but I can’t help believing this is somehow my fault.”
“What do you mean your fault? It’s nobody’s fault. It’s one of those god-awful things in life that there is no rational reason for. Damn it. Don’t you think I blame myself too? What if I hadn’t gone to Indonesia? They’d be home safe with me right now. Maybe it was just too soon for you to move in with us.” I regretted it as soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth. “Alex! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean … it’s just that for so long, Dane and Caleigh and I were a family. They were like anchors to life for me, especially after Matt died …”
“You didn’t mean it, Grace? That’s the second time you mentioned it,” he pointed out. “We can second-guess this all we want. And blame ourselves, but in the end, it’s not gonna bring them back. Why don’t we ask Meyers for recommendations for a private investigator? Or maybe I should leave for a while, just until things settle down.”
From the look in Alex’s eyes, I knew I had hurt him. “Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“I know.” He looked as though he’d just been sucker-punched. “By the way, I forgot to tell you. I got home early and Josie was here.” His eye twitched.
“Josie? She’s back from Puerto Rico? What was she doing here?”
“I imagine she came to see you. She was walking around the house when I pulled up. She said she was worried about you and wanted to check in and that she knocked but no one answered. She thought you might be asleep or avoiding visitors so she went around the house and tried the back door.”
“Oh. I wonder how her trip was. Alex, your eye is twitching again.”
“I know.” He rubbed his eye with the back of his hand. “She didn’t mention the trip. She seemed in kind of a hurry to leave. I told her I’d let you know she stopped by. Sketcher was going crazy inside, barking. We talked for a few minutes out here. I’ve never seen Sketcher react like that before.”
At the mention of his name, Sketcher lifted his head from the floor. “What’s gotten into you, boy?” I scratched him behind his ears. “The stress must be getting to him too. I wonder if Melanie and the kids met her down there. Come to think of it, I wonder if she ever told her family she’s gay.”
“Who?” Alex looked bewildered. “Who’s Melanie?”
“Her lover. She has a boy and a girl. I don’t remember their names but they’re about Caleigh and Dane’s ages, give or take a couple of years. I wonder if they all went to Puerto Rico for a vacation.”
“That’s funny. We’ve been neighbors for five years and I’ve never seen anyone with her. Maybe they live apart or something.” The nervous tic crept across his eyelid as he spoke.
“Josie never mentioned that but I guess it’s possible. Anyway, I’m going in to shower.” The door slammed behind me, harder than I had intended. “Alex?” I stuck my head out. “Have you heard anything from Angela lately?”
“No, thank God. She seems to have forgotten all about me. Which is fine with me, since I haven’t given her a thought since this whole thing began. Why do you ask?”
“I know it’s crazy … I’m probably being paranoid, but don’t you think that’s kind of strange? I mean, I know she’s a nut case and all, but she was calling and texting you pretty regularly and now … you don’t think she has anything to do with the kids’ disappearance, do you?”
“Angela?” Alex was as incredulous as if I’d just announced the house was on fire.
“Yeah, I mean you told me she’d been calling you ever since the divorce that she didn’t want. She desperately wanted a baby, the calls stopped around the time the kids went missing …”
“I think you’re really grasping at straws here but, just for argument’s sake, let’s say she wanted a baby. Why would she take thirteen-and six-year-old children? It’s more likely she finally got the message it’s over between us and has been for a long time.”
My voice rose and I shouted, “Well, since you’re the voice of reason, you tell me, who has the kids.” The look on his face broke my heart and I asked softly, “Alex, could you just humor me and call her? Just to see what she’s been up to?”
“That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to give her any encouragement. Do you know how long it’s taken for her to stop calling me? Why don’t we mention it to Meyers and Donnelly and see what they think? If they see any reason to suspect her, I’d rather they handle it, okay?”
“You’re right. It’s probably crazy,” I admitted. “Please. For me. Call her. I’ll tell Meyers. It’s just a weird coincidence, that’s all. And now, I’m going in to shower. Please, Alex? Call her?”