Scene 1: The same. Two couches have been placed outside the house.
[PHILOCLEON comes out of the house followed by BDELYCLEON, who is trying to pull the tattered juryman’s cloak from his father’s shoulders. In attendance is a slave carrying a heavy woollen gown and a pair of smart shoes.]
PHILOCLEON Nobody’s going to strip me of this, not while there’s breath in my body. We’ve stood shoulder to shoulder against many a cold north wind, my cloak and I.
BDELYCLEON Don’t you want to be treated well?
PHILOCLEON No, I don’t. Treats are not good for me. Last time it was those grilled sprats, and look what happened afterwards. I spent a whole three obols on the cleaning bill.
BDELYCLEON Now, look – you’ve put yourself in my hands
1130 for your own good. You might at least make an effort.
PHILOCLEON What is it you want me to do?
BDELYCLEON Take off that tattered old cloak and put on this gown.
PHILOCLEON Fat lot of good having sons and bringing them up, if all they do is try and suffocate you!
BDELYCLEON Come on, get on with it, and don’t talk so much.
[The SLAVE holds up the gown as BDELYCLEON removes PHILOCLEON’s cloak.]
PHILOCLEON [wriggling away] What, in god’s name, is this horrible thing?
BDELYCLEON It’s a Persian gown. Some people call it a ‘full-waister’.
PHILOCLEON I thought it was one of those goatskin things from the country.
BDELYCLEON You would. If you’d ever been to Sardis,105 you’d
1140 have known what it was; but it would seem you don’t.
PHILOCLEON I most certainly don’t. Looks to me like one of Morychus’ knapsacks.
BDELYCLEON No, these are made in Ecbatana.106
PHILOCLEON [inspecting the lining] What from? Tripe?
BDELYCLEON You really are hopeless! It’s an extremely expensive Persian weave – at least sixty pounds of wool went into making this.
PHILOCLEON Then they should have called it a ‘wool-waster’ not a ‘full-waister’.
BDELYCLEON Now stand still, and let’s get it on.
[Helped by the SLAVE, BDELYCLEON manages to get his father halfway into the gown.]
1150 PHILOCLEON [wriggling away] My god, it’s belching hot steam at me!
BDELYCLEON Come on, put it on.
PHILOCLEON No! If I’m going to be roasted, I’d rather you put me straight in the oven and be done with it.
BDELYCLEON Here, I’ll help you myself. [To the SLAVE] All right, you can go.
[BDELYCLEON takes the gown from the SLAVE and puts it over PHILOCLEON’s shoulders. The SLAVE retires.]
PHILOCLEON [staggering under the weight of the gown] I hope you’ve got a fork handy?
BDELYCLEON What for?
PHILOCLEON To fish me out when I’m baked to pieces.
BDELYCLEON Now, take off those dreadful felt shoes and put on these Spartans107 instead.
1160 PHILOCLEON Do you really think I could put up with wearing ‘foe leather’?
BDELYCLEON Come along, be brave and stick your foot in.
PHILOCLEON It’s a crime to make me tread on enemy sole!
BDELYCLEON Now the other one.
PHILOCLEON No, no, not that foot! The big toe’s a rabid anti-Spartan.
BDELYCLEON Can’t be helped. On with it!
PHILOCLEON This is terrible! Now I won’t have a single chilblain to comfort me in my old age.
BDELYCLEON Get it on quickly – that’s right. Now let me see you walk. No, no! Like this – with an elegant, affluent swagger.
[PHILOCLEON begins to warm to his new outfit.]
1170 PHILOCLEON I know, I’ll strike a pose. Tell me which of your well-heeled friends I look like now.
BDELYCLEON You look like a boil with a garlic plaster on it.
PHILOCLEON I was trying to show you the ‘butt-wiggle’.
BDELYCLEON Now, look, if you’re going to mix with clever, educated men, you’ll have to be able to produce a refined anecdote.
PHILOCLEON Of course.
BDELYCLEON Which one will you tell them?
PHILOCLEON Oh, I know loads. There’s that story about Lamia farting108 when she got caught; or the one about Cardopion109 giving his mother a –
BDELYCLEON No, not folktales. Something with human interest:
1180 the kind of thing people usually talk about, with a domestic feel.
PHILOCLEON Domestic, eh? How about this? Once upon a time there was a cat and it met a mouse, and –
BDELYCLEON You benighted ignoramus – as Theogenes110 retorted to the dung-collector! You can’t start talking about a cat and a mouse to men of quality.
PHILOCLEON What kind of thing do they want, then?
BDELYCLEON Something impressive. You know – ‘Once, when I was on a State mission with Androcles111 and Cleisthenes112…’
PHILOCLEON The only State mission I’ve ever been on was to Paros – at two obols a day.
1190 BDELYCLEON Then tell them how you remember seeing old Ephudion and how he wiped the floor with Ascondas. Say what a fine figure of a man he still was, for all his white hair: great strong hands; powerful flanks; and his arms.113
PHILOCLEON How was he allowed to fight a wrestling match if he was armed?
BDELYCLEON [ignoring him] That’s the kind of conversation sophisticated people go in for. Now, here’s another thing. If you’re drinking with strangers, they’ll want to know something about you. You could tell them about some daring exploit from your younger days.
1200 PHILOCLEON Like the time I pinched all the vine-props from old Ergasion’s vineyard!
BDELYCLEON You and your vine-props, you’ll be the death of me! No, you want to tell them how you went boar-hunting or hare-coursing, or ran in the torch race – some dashing deed.
PHILOCLEON Well, the most dashing thing I ever did was to take on the runner Phayllus. I beat him too – sued him for slander, and won the case by two votes.
BDELYCLEON All right. Come and lie down over here. [He points to the two couches.] I’ll show you how to behave at a fashionable drinking party.
PHILOCLEON Lie down? How am I supposed to lie?
1210 BDELYCLEON Just recline gracefully.
[PHILOCLEON tries lying down on his back with his knees up.]
PHILOCLEON Like this?
BDELYCLEON No, no, not like that, for heaven’s sake!
PHILOCLEON How, then? Show me.
BDELYCLEON You have to straighten your knees – that’s it – and sort of ‘pour’ yourself into the cushions with poise and grace.
[BDELYCLEON demonstrates, taking up a reclining position on the other couch, PHILOCLEON practises ‘pouring’ himself into the cushions until BDELYCLEON is satisfied.]
Good. Now you should say something complimentary about the bronze ornaments – look up at the ceiling – admire the rugs on the wall.
[PHILOCLEON mimes all this as instructed, BDELYCLEON now claps his hands to summon the SLAVES, who have been briefed in advance. At each stage of the imaginary party BDELYCLEON demonstrates the correct procedure and table manners, PHILOCLEON attempts to imitate his gestures.]
Bring the finger-bowls! [The SLAVES do so.]
Bring in the tables! [The SLAVES do so.]
Now we eat… now wash hands again… now a libation.
[The SLAVES whisk away the tables.]
PHILOCLEON Gods above, are we dreaming this dinner!
BDELYCLEON Now, the flute-girl has played her piece, and you
1220 are drinking with – let’s say – Theorus, Aeschines, Phanos,114 Cleon and that foreign type, the son of Acestor.115 He’s at Cleon’s head. Can you take up the singing when it comes to your turn?116
PHILOCLEON Oh, yes, I’m good at that.
BDELYCLEON Well, we shall see. Now, I’m Cleon: suppose I start off with ‘Harmodius’ and you have to follow it.
[Sings]
Such a man was never seen in Athens…
PHILOCLEON [sings]
Such a low-down, thieving little bastard…
BDELYCLEON If you sing that, you’ll never survive the uproar. Cleon will swear to have your blood; he’ll threaten to ruin and drive you out of the city.
1230 PHILOCLEON If he threatens me, I’ve got another song for him:
[Sings]
Take care, for if too high in the city you rise,
You’ll make her top-heavy and then she’ll capsize!117
BDELYCLEON And supposing Theorus, lying next to Cleon, takes his right hand and starts up with this:
[Sings]
It’s wise, as Admetus found out in the end,
To choose a courageous man as your best friend.118
How will you follow that?
PHILOCLEON I’ve got something very poetic for that.
[Sings]
1240 It isn’t as easy, old boy, as it sounds
To run with the hare and to hunt with the hounds.119
BDELYCLEON And now it’s Aeschines’ turn. He’s a very learned, cultured sort of man. He’ll probably start off with [singing boisterously]
Power, wealth and property
We enjoyed in Thessaly,
Clitagora, you and me…
PHILOCLEON [singing]
And bragged about it merrily.
BDELYCLEON Well, you seem to have got the gist of it. All
1250 right, let’s go and have dinner at Philoctemon’s. [He claps his hands.] Boy! Pack food for two – at last we can go and get drunk!120
PHILOCLEON I don’t approve of drinking! I know what boozing leads to: breaches of the peace, assault and battery – and a big fine while you’ve still got a hangover.
BDELYCLEON Not if you’re drinking with gentlemen. They’ll placate the victim for you, or else you can calm him down yourself. Just come out with a neat quotation from Aesop,
1260 or one of those stories about Sybarites121 – something you’ve heard at the party. Make a joke of the whole thing, and the victim will just go away quietly.
PHILOCLEON I see I’m going to have to learn a lot of those stories, if I want to avoid getting fined. Well, son, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.
[XANTHIAS brings out a basket of food, PHILOCLEON and BDELYCLEON set out for the party with XANTHIAS in attendance.]
CHORUS [addressing the audience]122
I flatter myself I’m a bit of a wit,
And I’ve learnt all the tricks of the trade;
But there’s one man I know – he’s in the front row –
Who can put even me in the shade.
Can you guess who I mean? He has upper-class hair
It’s done up in a bun at the top:
And he gambles with dice, a gentleman’s vice
Provided you know when to stop.
But Amynias didn’t. You’d think, with no cash,
He would starve on an apple a day;
Yet he dines like the wealthy, and keeps very healthy –
1270 Just how does he manage it, pray?
If you mention his recent Thessalian jaunt
He does get a little bit testy;
But it can’t have been that – for a person so poor
Would only have met the Penestae.123
Automenes,124 you happy man,
How proud you needs must be
To have three sons of such renown
And such ability!
The eldest is a friend to all
And plays upon the lyre;
The second plays upon the stage
With passion and with fire.
But young Ariphades is much
1280 The brightest of the three.
In one respect, at least, he was
An infant prodigy.
He taught himself, his father swore,
To use his tongue with flair.
For when he goes to brothels he’ll
Lick all the girls with care.
[The CHORUS-LEADER now speaks on behalf of the poet.]
CHORUS-LEADER
Some people have been saying that since Cleon tanned my hide
I’ve made a coward’s peace with him and let my wrath subside.125
They heard me scream blue murder when the dirty deed was done,
And rolled up in their hundreds – it was their idea of fun.
They didn’t give a damn for me: they shouted ‘Treat him rough!
He may say something funny if you squeeze him hard enough.’
1290 And so I bluffed them for a while, but now it’s time to stop;
And won’t the vine look foolish when I pull away the prop!
Scene 2: The same, a few hours later. It is now evening.
[XANTHIAS enters from the street, rubbing his bruises and complaining.]
XANTHIAS O happy tortoises, that have so hard a shell! Oh, creatures full of sense! What wisdom to cover your bodies with a plate to shield it from blows! As for me, I’ve been beaten black and blue with that stick.126
CHORUS-LEADER What is it, child? It’s fair to call you ‘child’, despite your age, if you’ve received a beating.
XANTHIAS The old man’s been making a terrible nuisance of
1300 himself: he’s drunker than any of them. And that’s saying something, considering who the others are. There’s Hypillus, Antiphon, Lycon, Lysistratus, Thuphrastus and Phrynichus127 – all that crowd. But he’s worse than anybody. Once he’d got a bit of food and drink inside him, he started leaping about like a young ass after a feed of barley; jumping up and down, laughing and farting. You should have seen him. Then he started knocking me about. ‘Boy! Boy!’ he kept shouting. And Lysistratus saw what was happening and started the comparison game. He told the old man he reminded him of
1310 a nouveau-riche Phrygian or a donkey let loose in a hayloft. ‘Oh, I do, do I?’ he shouted back. ‘Well, you remind me of a locust when it’s just shed its old wings, or Sthenelus128 shorn of his stage props.’ Well, everyone applauded – except Thuphrastus, who pursed his lips; he fancies himself as a wit. So the old man turns on Thuphrastus: ‘And who are you to give yourself airs, thinking you’re so smart – you who always suck up to the man of the moment?’ And that’s how he went
1320 on, insulting them all one after the other, making crude jokes and telling crass stories, utterly unsuited to the occasion. Then, when he was properly drunk, he left, knocking down everyone he met on the way home. Here he comes, reeling. I’m going to make myself scarce, before I get pasted again.
[Shouting is heard offstage, and XANTHIAS hurries into the house as PHILOCLEON staggers into view, still wearing his party garland. He has one arm round a FLUTE-GIRL whom he has abducted from the party. In his other hand he carries a torch to ward off indignant protesters in his wake.]
PHILOCLEON Stop! Make way! You people chasing after me
1330 will rue the day! Sod off, you lousy scabs, or I’ll fry the lot of you with this torch!
REVELLER That’s all very well, but you’ll pay for these youthful pranks tomorrow. We’ll all be round in the morning, and you’ll answer for this in court.
PHILOCLEON Bah! In court? You old fogies! I can’t even bear to hear the place mentioned. Balls to the voting urn! I prefer
1340 these [groping the FLUTE-GIRL’s breasts]. Are you still here? Where’s this juryman? Get out of my sight!
[The REVELLER leaves reluctantly.]
Come up here, my little cockchafer. Here, grab this bit of rope. Careful, it’s a bit old and tattered, but you’d be surprised how much wear and tear it can stand.129 Did you see how I whisked you away just as you were about to have to suck off the guests? Well, now you can show this old chap
1350 here your gratitude. But no, you won’t. You’ll let me down. You’ll tease me, just as you’ve left many a man standing. But listen, you be nice to me now, and when my son dies, I’ll buy you your freedom and have you as my mistress. How would you like that, my little beaver? I’ve got the money, it’s just that I’m not allowed to handle it yet – not till I’m a bit older. It’s my son – he watches me like a hawk. He’s a dreadful old
1360 skinflint, and very stern. You see, I’m his only father. Sh! Here he comes. Looking for us, probably. Quick, take this torch and stand completely still. I’m going to wind him up a bit – like he did to me before I was initiated in the Mysteries.130
[BDELYCLEON enters. He has been running.]
BDELYCLEON There you are, you dirty old muff-chaser! What are you doing, trying to screw yourself into the grave? You’ll never get away with this.
PHILOCLEON I can see you’d like a nice lawsuit dressed in vinaigrette!
BDELYCLEON It’s no laughing matter, kidnapping a flute-girl.
1370 PHILOCLEON Flute-girl? What flute-girl? Have you taken leave of your tomb?
BDELYCLEON Here she is – Dardanis.131
PHILOCLEON Oh, you mean this – a sacrificial torch from the marketplace.
BDELYCLEON [prodding the GIRL] A torch, did you say?
PHILOCLEON Of course. Can’t you tell by the markings?
BDELYCLEON What’s this dark patch in the middle?
PHILOCLEON Oh, they leak resin sometimes, when they get hot.
BDELYCLEON And what’s this bulge at the back? Feels remarkably like an arse to me.
PHILOCLEON That’s just the shape of the wood.
BDELYCLEON What rubbish! [To the GIRL] You, come with me!
PHILOCLEON Here, what are you doing?
BDELYCLEON Taking her away from you. In any case, I don’t
1380 think you’d have got anywhere with her; you’re too old for that.
PHILOCLEON Am I indeed? Well, let me tell you something. Once when I was on a State mission to the Olympic Games, I saw Ephudion fight Ascondas, and – believe you me – the old man fought very well. I’ll never forget the way he drew back his arm, like so, and then, with a telling punch, he floored the young man… like so. [He hits BDELYCLEON.]
BDELYCLEON [staggering back to his feet] Well, you certainly seem to remember that lesson!
[Enter a BAKING-WOMAN with an empty tray and a witness in tow, who turns out to be the philosopher CHAEREPHON.132]
BAKING-WOMAN [to CHAEREPHON] Come here, stand by me, please. [Pointing to PHILOCLEON] There’s the man who
1390 almost did me in, whacking me with his torch. Ten obols’ worth of loaves he knocked off this tray, plus four more loaves.
BDELYCLEON You see what you’ve done? More trouble, more fines to pay – all because of your drinking.
PHILOCLEON Nonsense! This affair can be settled straightaway with little storytelling. Leave her to me, I’ll soon straighten this out.
BAKING-WOMAN No one’s going to treat me like this and get away with it, I can tell you. I’m a respectable baking-woman. Myrtia, daughter of Ancylion and Sostrate. You’ve destroyed my entire batch.
PHILOCLEON Listen, old girl, have you, by any chance, heard this story? It’s very amusing.
1400 BAKING-WOMAN I don’t want to hear it.
PHILOCLEON One night Aesop was walking home – he’d been out to dinner – when he was barked at by a mouthy, drunken bitch. ‘Look, bitch,’ said Aesop, ‘instead of standing there yapping, why don’t you go and buy some more flour!’
BAKING-WOMAN On top of everything else, he has the gall to laugh in my face. All right then, whatever your name is, I’m summoning you before the Market Court for damages. Chaerephon here will act as my witness.
PHILOCLEON No, no, listen to this. I’m sure you’ll see the point
1410 of this one. Once when Lasus133 found he was competing against Simonides,134 he said: ‘Ha, ha! What do I care?’
BAKING-WOMAN Did he now?
PHILOCLEON And as for you, Chaerephon, how can you act as a witness for a woman when you’re as pale as Ino supplicating Euripides?135
[The BAKING-WOMAN storms off taking CHAEREPHON with her. Next a CITIZEN with a bandaged head enters. He has brought a friend with him to act as witness.]
BDELYCLEON Here comes somebody else to summon you, by the looks of it. He’s brought a witness too, I see.
CITIZEN I’m bringing an action against you for assault and battery.
1420 BDELYCLEON Not assault and battery,136 for heaven’s sake! I’ll gladly pay you whatever you want as compensation.
PHILOCLEON No, no, I’ll be happy to settle this myself. I admit I hit him, and threw the odd thing. [To the CITIZEN] Come here a minute. Will you leave it to me to decide how much to pay you, so that we can be friends in future? Or would you rather name a sum yourself?
CITIZEN Let’s hear your offer. I don’t really want the fuss of going to court.
PHILOCLEON This reminds me of the story of the man from Sybaris who fell out of a chariot, and managed to injure his
1430 head pretty badly – he wasn’t a very good driver. A friend of his came along and said, ‘A man should stick to his own trade.’ So why don’t you go to Pittalus137 and get yourself seen to?
BDELYCLEON I might have known you’d do this.
CITIZEN [to his FRIEND] Take note of what he said.
[The CITIZEN and FRIEND prepare to go.]
PHILOCLEON Listen, don’t go. Do you know the one about the woman from Sybaris who broke a jug?
CITIZEN [to his FRIEND] I call you to witness.
PHILOCLEON That’s exactly what the jug did. It called a friend to witness, and the woman said, ‘If you spent less time calling
1440 people to witness and went out and bought a rivet, you’d show more sense.’
CITIZEN Go on, insult me – until your case comes up in court!
[The CITIZEN and his FRIEND depart in great indignation.]
BDELYCLEON I’m not letting you stay here a moment longer, do you understand? I’m going to heave you over my shoulder [he does so] and carry you inside. Otherwise there won’t be any people left to act as witnesses for all these complainants.
PHILOCLEON [struggling against him] When the… Delphians accused… Aesop…
BDELYCLEON Never mind Aesop.
PHILOCLEON… of stealing a sacred cup, he told them the story of the dung-beetle138 that…
BDELYCLEON [stopping him from speaking] You’ll be the death of me with those dung-beetles… [He carries PHILOCLEON indoors.]
CHORUS
1450 At last he has fallen on happier days,
I envy his lot beyond measure:
He’s going to exchange his abstemious ways
For a life of refinement and pleasure.
It may not be easy at first, I dare say,
A lifetime’s opinions to smother;
1460 Yet many men find that they can change their minds
When truly convinced by another.
His son, as all right-thinking men will agree,
Has shown both good sense and devotion;
His kindness and charm are so touching to see
That I’m quite overcome with emotion.
In grooming his sire for a life that is higher
1470 He has countered each single objection;
The success that he’s had in defeating his dad
Is a mark of his filial affection!139
[XANTHIAS comes out of the house and sits down, exhausted.]
XANTHIAS Holy Dionysus! You’ve no idea the chaos that’s erupted in this house. The old man just isn’t used to drinking and listening to music like this. He’s in such high spirits, we can’t do anything to stop him. It looks as if he’ll go on dancing all night, at this rate. He’s been giving us ‘Scenes
1480 from Thespis’140 no less. He says that all the modern dancers are old fogies, and he’s threatening to come out and prove it by competing with them.
[Shouting, banging and flute-playing are heard within.]
PHILOCLEON
What ho! Who sitteth at the outer gate?
XANTHIAS
Oh, no, a thing of evil this way comes…
PHILOCLEON
Fling wide the portals!141
[XANTHIAS opens the door and PHILOCLEON leaps out and stands, in the ludicrous costume of a tragic dancer, waiting to begin a dance.]
Let the dance begin!
XANTHIAS
The madness, more like.
PHILOCLEON
Now stiffen the sinews…
And stretch the nostril wide – oh, how I wheeze!
Bend up the backbone – my god, how it cracks!
XANTHIAS
What you need is a dose of hellebore.142
PHILOCLEON
1490 Phrynichus cowers like a strutting cock…143
XANTHIAS
They’ll stone you.
PHILOCLEON
… leg thrown high into the air!
See how rectum gapes!
XANTHIAS Be careful there!
PHILOCLEON
For now the hip rolls smoothly in its socket.
Not bad, eh?
XANTHIAS
On the contrary, quite mad.
PHILOCLEON And now for my challenge. If there’s any tragic dancer present who claims to dance well, let him step forward and dance against me. No takers?
1500 XANTHIAS Only one: that fellow over there.
[A DANCER costumed as a crab presents himself.]
PHILOCLEON That forlorn creature – who is he?
XANTHIAS One of the sons of Carcinus the Crab.144 The middle one.
PHILOCLEON I’ll swallow him alive. I’ll soon dispatch him with a knuckle dance. [He beats out a rhythm on the crab-dancer’s ‘shell’ with his fist. The DANCER sidles off.] He’s got no rhythm whatsoever!
XANTHIAS Here comesanother crab-tragedian – his brother.145
[A larger ‘CRAB’ enters.]
PHILOCLEON I’ll have myself a sizeable meal. xanthias Crabs, crabs, and yet more crabs – here comes another one of the family.
[A smaller ‘CRAB’ enters.]
PHILOCLEON What is this creeping creature? A shrimp? A spider?
1510 XANTHIAS It’s the tiniest of them all: the Little Nipper.146 He also writes tragedies.
PHILOCLEON Ah, Carcinus, I congratulate you on a fine brood of twitterers. Well, I must go down and take them on. And, Xanthias, you’d better start preparing a dressing in case I win.
CHORUS
Make way, make way! The human tops are all wound up to spin.
Stand back and make a space for them, and let the show begin!
[The CHORUS withdraw to the rear of the dancing area. While the SONS OF CARCINUS perform the ‘Dance of the Crabs’, PHILOCLEON executes a solo burlesque and the CHORUS sing the final lyric]
CHORUS
Ye sons of him who rules the waves
And brothers of the prawn,
1520Come where the barren sea still laves
The sands where you were born.
Oh whirl and twist upon the beach,
Rotate with supple ease;
Then stand upright and try to reach
Your stomachs with your knees.
1530 Now kick straight upwards from the hips
As Phrynichus might try,
And draw from each spectator’s lips
A complimentary sigh.
But crawling from the ocean deep
Its Lord, their father, scuttles
To watch his offspring gambol, leap
And whirl like spinning shuttles.147
The time has come to end our play;
But you dance off before us;
And this at least it’s safe to say –
No comic poet till today
Has hit on such a clever way
Of leading off his Chorus.148
[The CHORUS march out, preceded by the SONS OF CARCINUS, leaving PHILOCLEON to finish his dance and receive applause from the audience.]