Pounding.
I woke to a loud and steady pounding.
Was that my head pounding or was someone at the door?
I rolled over on my back and slowly opened my eyes. They were itchy and sore from crying myself to sleep last night after Elijah turned my drunk ass away from his door again. The pounding sounded—rattling the door on its hinges and sending the usually fearless Maniac scurrying under my bed to crouch and hide. I glanced at my clock.
“Nine-fucking-thirty? Seriously?” I muttered as I threw off the covers. “This had better be fucking PPD or the fire department.”
The steady pounding continued as I marched down the stairs.
“Who the fuck is it?” I shouted when I was within range.
“It’s Ava. Open the fucking door.”
I unlocked the door and snatched it open. “What the fuck is your problem? Why are you banging on my door like this?”
“You won’t answer my phone calls. How else am I supposed to talk to you?”
“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to talk to you?”
Ava’s shoulders drooped. “Yves, seriously. Are we going to let something like this come between us?”
“You said some fucked up shit to me, Ava.”
“I realize that—”
“I don’t take that shit from anybody.”
“I know. I was way out of line.”
“Damn right you were—”
“Well, fuck. Can you let a bitch apologize? Shit…you’re so fucking stubborn.”
“Yeah, well, you’re judgmental.”
“Yeah, I am. And jealous and bitter on top of that.” She shrugged, and her gaze dropped to her feet. “Look, I’m going through some shit. I’m lonely, okay. It’s pathetic, to even say this out loud, but seeing you with Julian and hearing about Elijah…”
A heavy silence fell between us, during which I realized how ridiculous it was to continue this argument. I was still pissed off about what she said, but the fact was, she was my best friend—my only friend. And I really needed a fucking friend right now. If I were less self-centered, I might have noticed that my friend was lashing out because she was hurting, not because she was harboring some sort of resentment toward me. Besides, there was no reason for her to be jealous of me anymore. I’d lost both men.
“Well?” I crossed my arms over my chest, shifted my weight onto one foot and waited for my apology.
“I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I was wrong and you know how hard that is for me to say.”
“Fine,” I said with a one-shouldered shrug.
“Fine? Bitch, is that all you have to say? Fine?”
“What the fuck else do you want me to say?”
“How about, thank you so much for apologizing, Ava? I’ve missed you so much, Ava. I love you like a sista from another mista.”
An involuntary chuckle escaped my lips. I didn’t want to forgive her so easily; she hurt me deep, but Ava was right. I did love and miss her immensely.
“So is my apology accepted?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes in an exaggerated fashion. “I guess, I forgive you, bitch—”
Ava reached out and drew me into a sudden, gripping hug. “I’m sorry,” she whispered against my cheek before kissing me there. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.” I bit my tongue to keep the tears back. I’d been crying way too much lately. It was really quite pathetic.
“Hmmm….” Ava hummed as she pulled away and took a good look at me. “You stink of old bedsheets and tears. I think this calls for a big breakfast and a little retail therapy, yes?”
I nodded. “You’re right. Just let me get dressed.”
* * * *
My therapy session started at the Philly Diner. It felt like I hadn’t eaten in years and I attempted to correct that by eating my weight in meat, eggs, hash browns, pancakes, and coffee.
“So what’s going on? Why are you walled up in your apartment like a hermit?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing.” I didn’t want to talk about what happened between Elijah and me. I couldn’t.
“It’s not nothing. Your apartment is a mess and smells like old kitty litter and stale cigarettes. You look like you’ve been drinking your feelings and eating nothing but sadness. What is going on, Yves?" She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “I love you. Tell me.”
The tears were there. Right there in my throat and the corners of my eyes. Holy fuck, I was so sick of fucking crying! I swallowed them down and slid my armor back in place before I spoke again. “Here is the secret that nobody knows,” I said after leaning in real close. “I’m shit with men. I choose the wrong ones. Every time. Every fucking time. And they all hurt me. Every single one of them hurt me.”
“What? Elijah hurt you? What happened?”
I dropped my fork—suddenly nauseous. I could barely swallow the mouthful of blueberry pancakes stuffed in my cheek. “Elijah broke up with me.”
“What? What happened?”
“I still don’t know. We went to The Hamptons and had an amazing weekend—”
“Well, that sounds good—”
“And it was good, despite the random appearance of his ex-girlfriend, which made him all weird and distant, but I thought we talked it out before we came back. Then we had a threesome with Julian—“
“Wait. What?”
“I know, it’s fucked up, but Elijah was completely open and was really into fulfilling all of my fantasies…or at least I thought he was.” I looked down at my plate. The sweet smell of the blueberries and syrup made that bile rise in my throat again. I pushed it away. “That night Julian seemed down with it, too. But afterward, they both acted like they didn’t want it. They treated me like I was some sort of vile slut for liking it when they were totally into it while they were fucking me.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. Julian left right afterward and Elijah broke up with me the next morning.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you, Yves. I thought Elijah was it for you.”
“Me too. I still think so, but he doesn’t.” I shrugged. “Nothing I can do about that.”
“So…a threesome, huh? What was that like?” Ava asked, leaning her elbows on the table.
“Ava.”
“I mean, you can’t just drop something like that on the table and not tell me the details.”
I closed my eyes and thought of those moments between us. No matter what happened afterward, I didn’t regret any of it. I’d never felt anything like that before and I pained me to know that I would probably never feel like that again. “It was the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. I actually caught myself thinking…maybe we could all be together. I must be crazy. I mean, I know the idea is crazy. But at that moment, I knew I wanted both of them always.” I shook my head. “I probably should see a shrink or something. These thoughts are not normal.”
“Maybe you should,” Ava said with a shrug.
“Are you fucking serious? I was joking, Ava. I’m not going to see any shrink.”
“Look, this thing is bigger than you bedding two beautiful men at once. There is something else going on here. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone who knows what to do about those feelings.”
“I’m not seeing a fucking therapist. They twist everything you say and make all your problems about your father.”
“Aren’t all your problems about your father?” she asked hesitantly.
“What are you saying?”
“Never mind,” she said, shaking her head.
“No. Tell me,” I demanded.
“I don’t want to get into an argument about this.”
“Who is arguing? We’re just talking. Now tell me why you think my papi has something to do with this.”
“Seriously, Yves, do you think it’s just a coincidence that you behave the way you do? When I met you in college, all you talked bout was how you were never going to be like your mother. How you were never going to let a man treat you like your father treated her. In a way, I think it was the crux of why you stayed with Cesar. Somehow you reasoned that even though he beat the shit out of you, at least he was there. At least he was faithful. In some twisted way, I think you thought those beatings were his way of expressing his love for you.”
“But I left him in the end—”
“Only after he cheated. Only after he did to you what your father did to your mother.”
I could always tell when someone told me something that I knew was the truth. My entire body reacted—weakness in the knees, sinking feeling in my belly. It all seemed too simple to be true, but I knew that it was.
Am I damaged?
I resisted the thought that my parents’ divorce affected me so deeply, or that Cesar had wounded me in such a permanent way that I couldn’t get over it on my own. But it was becoming clear to me that there was something wrong with me—something that all the fucking in the world couldn’t fix.
“Even if I see a shrink, I know I’m still going to want Elijah. The man who enjoys spanking me, choking me and hurting me in all the most delicious ways…I still want him. I know that’s not normal for someone like me, especially considering everything that I went through this year. But it doesn’t matter if it’s normal. I still want it. How do I get over that?”
Ava shrugged. “Time heals all things.”
I shook my head. “An eternity could pass and I’d feel the same.”
“Well, maybe you need to reinstate our old tried-and-true motto.”
“What’s that?”
“The best way to get over one man is to get under another one.”
I chuckled. “You give the worst advice. Besides, don’t you think I’ve tried that?”
Ava shrugged. “Maybe you’re trying it with the wrong man.”