CHAPTER 9

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Exchange of Jewelry and Other Rituals

If the emotionally vulnerable parents, bridal party members, and guests aren’t crying yet, they should be by the time the ring exchange is over.

The Ring Exchange

The most iconic symbols of weddings (other than $$$$$) are the wedding rings, the pieces of jewelry that will remind you of your wedding day every day and also send a clear sign to any stranger hitting on you at a bar that you are morally no longer available.

If you are open to sharing, you can include details about how the rings were made, or where you bought the rings, or to whom the rings used to belong, or make up phrases that might be inscribed on the inside of the rings. (I’m forever yours . . . faithfully; I-eee-I will always love you-ooooo; Put it back on.) I married a couple who forged their rings themselves at a class in Italy. That was a pretty cool detail, so we mentioned it. It took no time at all, and we moved right on to the ring exchange language.

When you exchange wedding rings, you go one at a time, placing the ring onto the tip of your partner’s ring finger while repeating short phrases after the celebrant. While this is the most poignant ceremonial moment of every wedding, it provides a prime opportunity for razzle-dazzle surprise. Remember, any jolt out of a pattern brings surprise. I am not saying that you should place a surprise moment in this section, I am just saying that you can. And that you should.

The wedding band is usually a simple piece of round metal, nothing as elaborate as the engagement ring. It is possible to make something of the ring exchange moment in a way that does not slow down the proceedings: at this point, the love snowball should be rolling downhill, picking up speed to create an avalanche of emotion. One strategically placed banana peel will have little effect on the avalanche.

For example, the short phrases you repeat will fall into a very serious repeat-after-me-pattern. Break the pattern with something inane. For example, I test my couples’ sense of humor with exactly one line: after the groom goes through the entire process of giving the bride her ring, repeating my serious phrases and sliding the ring securely onto her finger, and the bride is now going through the same process, and we all expect her to say the same things he just did. To trip up the pattern, I have her begin to say the same kind of thing he did, but then I have her say, in a sweet, upbeat voice, “Thank you for my beautiful ring.”

This gets guests laughing every single blessed time we do this. I think this line works because the bride is simply being polite; the guy just gave her a ring, and she is saying thank you, the way you do when anybody gives you something you like. So, it is a truthful moment that nobody expects. I’ve found that people also appreciate the opportunity to laugh in the middle of ugly-crying; it feels good.

Right after that line, I return to the serious repeat-after-me rhythm, which the ear falls right back into since this is what feels right; consequently, the seriousness of the moment is restored. The banana peel does not impede the avalanche.

I know this is a small thing, but since I know it works, I suggest it. This is just one idea. Feel free to throw in any momentum-jarring line you like. (Gosh, this is getting real.) (I’ve been looking forward to this moment my whole life.) (This is more exciting than the time we stole that Camaro.)

Wearing the Rings

There are different philosophies regarding on which finger to place the wedding band and what to do with the engagement ring during a ceremony. When a couple exchanges wedding bands during the ceremony, ideally, the ring finger is bare so that the wedding band, once on the finger, can live closest to the person’s heart. So, if one or both members of the couple are wearing an engagement ring, I ask them to temporarily wear their engagement ring on a different finger, for the ceremony only. Usually, they just switch the engagement ring over to their right hand (on whichever finger it will fit), then put the engagement ring back on their left ring finger after the ceremony, locking in the wedding band.

Some traditions have the engagement ring switched permanently to the third finger of the left hand, but this is often problematic considering how much bigger our “I am displeased with you” fingers are compared to our ring fingers. In some countries, it is common tradition to wear the wedding rings on the fourth finger of the right hand. Why? Because some countries just insist on being different. Some same-sex couples wear their rings on their right hands, as a way to distinguish their monogamous relationship and/or marriage outside heterosexual norms, whether they are legally married or simply committed to each other.

Sometimes the engagement ring doesn’t fit on any other finger. In these cases, I assure the couple that they can just switch the ring order on their finger after the ceremony. It is not a crucial detail—in that it won’t stop the wedding or mean they aren’t married—but it is a symbolic and meaningful one.

Ultimately, I encourage couples to do whatever they would like to with their rings. Their rings, their ceremony, and their marriage are unique to them. There is no official, secret language of rings, in which the choice of ring finger communicates an agreed-upon set of signals. I wear my wedding band on my left ring finger, but mostly because I’ve gained some weight since I got married and that sucker is on there tight.

Okay, so the rings are on the fingers, and the ceremony is pretty much done. But wait! There could be more!

Other Rituals

Unity Rituals

If couples want to include a unity ritual in their ceremony, this is where I tend to place it in the ceremony (see also Wedopedia: Rituals). The various props of unity rituals, such as jars of sand, candles, rope, or memory boxes, are usually waiting upon a tastefully decorated table upstage center, directly behind where I have been speaking. I step aside to reveal the table and its props, taking the mic stand along with me, so it does not block the guests’ view. The couple steps to either side of the table, giving focus to the table’s unity items. Then I narrate the meaning and steps of the ritual while the couple goes through the mechanics. Once the ritual is completed, the couple can return front and center while I often stay to the side, ceding center stage entirely to the couple.

And that’s it, ceremony over, nothing left to do but pronounce them married. But wait! There could still be more!

Cultural or Religious Rituals

This part of the ceremony is also the most apt for including any other cultural or religious elements—which is not to say that there are no other parts of the ceremony where we can include such things. When I have couples whose families speak more than one language or come from a different culture, I make a point of using their language as early as the welcome section. I may intersperse linguistic or cultural details throughout the love story, wherever I deem it appropriate, useful, or opportunistic. In deciding when and how to incorporate cultural and religious elements, it’s important to determine if these elements define the couple or if they are merely peripheral details from their heritage. In other words, are they asking to acknowledge these elements of culture and religion because they really believe in them, or are they merely acknowledging these elements out of an obligation to be respectful of their elders?

Solving this kind of conundrum is what separates the professionals from the amateurs. When certified Life-Cycle Celebrants are training, they spend months acquainting themselves with traditions, rituals, international cultural norms, ways to blend families of differing religious beliefs, ways to acknowledge the cornucopia of symbols and meaning that makes up our world; a dissertation on belief-blending and custom-blending opportunities could fill an entire book. And the learning never stops: every new couple offers me a reason to research something new, to find the facts and details that will contribute to a personal love story. Every experience informs the next. Every new combination presents new opportunities.

A while back, I filmed an audition video for the travel show Globe Trekker. My idea was to become one of their travelers, attending weddings around the world to educate viewers on the multitude of ways humans celebrate wedding unions. Still waiting to hear back from them. I maintain that it would be a great show! I’m sure they’ll call any minute now. Yep. Any minute.

Once the couple state their intentions and are both wearing wedding rings in front of me and all the important people in their lives, in my mind they are married, no matter what cultural or religious elements we acknowledge or what bureaucratic stuff still needs to happen at City Hall. At that point, I feel what Friar Laurence was hoping to feel by marrying Juliet and Romeo in Romeo & Juliet. (He never made it happen, thanks to misunderstandings, death, and iambic pentameter. Friar Laurence was hoping to put an end to the Capulet/Montague feud by marrying Romeo and Juliet, which means he and I had the same philosophy on the potential of marriages to influence peace and ultimately save the world, which means that great minds think alike, which means that Shakespeare—or Marlowe, we’ll never know—had a great mind.)