Best Ceremony Ever

THE (FICTIONAL) WEDDING OF

KATHRYN AND IGGY

THE (REAL) MONASTERY EVENT CENTER CINCINNATI, OHIO

CELEBRANT: CHRISTOPHER SHELLEY ILLUMINATING CEREMONIES

Atmosphere

MUSIC CUE: A string trio plays ’80s and ’90s hits as guests arrive, mingle, and compare outfits . . .

Once the celebrant and venue coordinator and wedding planner have communicated that the guests are seated and ready, the bridal party is lined up and ready, and the photographers, video people, and musicians are all ready to begin . . . Celebrant Christopher Shelley enters.

MUSIC CUE: Upon seeing Chris begin to enter, our string trio switches to an upbeat version of “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.Celebrant dances up the aisle, then through a row full of guests a la Ellen DeGeneres, taking a moment to dance with one or more guests, then all the way to the ceremonial area . . .

MUSIC CUE: “Losing My Religion” fades out as Chris speaks . . .

Non-traditional music of the bride and groom’s generation!

Irony! I’m non-denominational! And I love Michael Stipe.

Establishing the moment guests see me that this ceremony will be different.

Introduction

CELEBRANT: Good evening, everybody. Congratulations on making the guest list. My name is Christopher Shelley and I love my job. I am a wedding officiant and celebrant, which means that my job is to marry our bride and groom to each other and to celebrate why they are getting married.

Tonight is an opportunity for all of you to connect with people you haven’t seen for a while or whom you’re meeting for the first time. You have a wonderful night ahead of you.

Welcome to Ohio, welcome to Cincinnati, welcome to the Monastery Event Center, and welcome to the wedding of Kathryn and Iggy.

Thank you for your enthusiasm. Our string trio is ready to play some more beautiful music, the wedding party is ready to make their big dramatic entrance, and I’ve had lots of caffeine. Ladies and gentleman, I hereby declare the wedding planning to be officially over! Let the ceremony begin.

Forty-five seconds to establish my personality and style with the guests, to get them in a good mood—I am my own warm-up act!

Remember, this is a fictional wedding; in a real wedding, I would say their last names too.

Planted words “enthusiasm” and “party” for obvious reasons, and “caffeine” for guests to subconsciously associate caffeine/being awake.

Processional

MUSIC CUE: String trio plays pretty version of The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven.”

Groom Iggy enters with his parents, Musa and Karen. Iggy kisses Mom on the cheek and hugs her; Iggy and his Dad hug, then Iggy’s parents sit. Iggy stands STAGE LEFT/downstage of Celebrant.

Best Man Charles enters, doing his best supermodel/Zoolander walk up the aisle, has a complicated and obviously oft-practiced handshake combo with Iggy, then takes his spot STAGE LEFT of Iggy.

Groomsman Tim and Bridesmaid Joanne enter, doing a simple partnered waltz; at the top of the aisle Tim kisses Joanne’s hand, then Joanne establishes the end of the row far STAGE RIGHT while Tim goes STAGE LEFT of Best Man.

Groomsman Will and Bridesmaid Elvira enter, tossing confetti at the guests, at the top of the aisle, Will goes to kiss Elvira’s hand but ends up kissing his own, then they take their places STAGE LEFT/STAGE RIGHT, Elvira filling closer to the middle (STAGE LEFT of Joanne).

Groomsman Anthony and Bridesmaid Selma enter, tossing packets of tissues to each row of guests; at the top of the aisle, they toss each other a packet, then take their spots STAGE LEFT/STAGE RIGHT.

Maid of Honor Francine enters, wearing a sash that reads, “I Need a Drink.”

Ring Bearers Justin (8) and Ravi (9) enter on skateboards; they take their seats with their parents in the front row.

Flower Girls Gabby (5) and Sarah (6) enter, tossing little individual open bags of flower petals straight into the air above them, so when they open, flower petals trickle down slowly. They continue this all the way up the aisle, then take their seats with their parents or legal guardians in the first row.

CELEBRANT: Please stand to greet the bride.

Guests stand.

MUSIC CUE: “Just Like Heaven” winds down . . . dramatic pause . . . really dramatic, like, long enough to make the groom wonder if the bride is showing up . . . then the Bride’s song begins: “Only You” by Yaz (or Yazoo, as they are known in Europe).

Bride Kathryn enters, looking spectacular, escorted by her father, Jim, and her mother, Doris. Mom and Dad bring Kathryn just past the first row of seats, where they pause. Dad lifts Kathryn’s veil to unveil her face. Mom/Dad/Daughter have a moment (kiss/hug etc.).

Groom Iggy steps forward, kisses Kathryn’s mom on the cheek, shakes Kathryn’s dad’s hand.

Iggy’s parents stand again, the men shake hands, the women kiss each other’s cheeks, then the men kiss the women’s cheeks.

All four parents, Iggy and Kathryn stand in a circle, their hands in the middle of the circle—all of their hands on top of Iggy/Kathryn’s, like a team before a game. One by one, the four parents remove their hand from the other hands . . . until the only two people holding hands are Iggy and Kathryn.

Iggy escorts Kathryn to the ceremonial matrimonial sweet spot where Chris is waiting. All four parents take their seats

CELEBRANT: You may be seated, thank you.

Guests sit.

MOH arranges Kathryn’s dress.

MUSIC CUE: The music comes to a graceful stop.

ALL GROOMSMEN, BRIDESMAIDS, BEST MAN, MAN OF HONOR, CHRIS, to Iggy/Kathryn: WELCOME TO YOUR WEDDING!!!

Guests cheer.

ALL BRIDAL PARTY: WHO DEY? WHO DEY? WHO DEY THINK GONNA MARRY KATHRYN?

Guests laugh at reference to this cheer that Cincinnati Bengals fans yell at games.

Recognizable, fitting of bride and groom, different than expected/normal wedding music.

Visually unexpected and photo-worthy.

Practical and unexpected.

Fits the kids’ personalities, and the speed of their entrance is unexpected!

Visually more interesting than the usual flower-to-the floor dropping they usually do, photo worthy.

Always better to incorporate the bridal party because they really serve no purpose whatsoever otherwise.

Welcome

CELEBRANT: Welcome everybody. We are happy that so many of you could make it here today. It is very important to celebrate these happy transitions in our lives. One of my favorite things about weddings is learning how far people are willing to travel to be here. We have honored friends and family here from ALL OVER THE WORLD, including Kentucky . . . also Florida, Connecticut, Maine, Virginia, New York, and, of course, Ohio. We also have guests here from as far away as France and Iran. Welcome! Bienvenue and Khosh amadid!

Contrast of world/Kentucky. Pause makes it seem like Kentucky is all there is.

Polite to include a moment of foreign language.

Thanks

CELEBRANT: Kathryn and Iggy are so grateful to all of you for being here tonight. They have been so excited for their wedding and they’ve been longing to share their happiness with you, the people who matter to them most. If you are in this room right now, it means that you are very important to them. Or that you work for the Monastery Event Center, in which case you are still very important to us.

Honor Parents

CELEBRANT: Iggy and Kathryn are especially happy to have their parents here today. Musa and Karen have been married for twenty-five years and, not that it’s a competition or anything, Jim and Doris have been married for thirty-three years. You are an inspiration to all of us. You are proof that long-lasting love is possible, and that listening to your wife really works.

Take a moment for parents.

Love Story

CELEBRANT: Tonight we’ll celebrate Iggy and Kathryn. We’ll celebrate the factors that brought them together and keep them together. We’ll find out how a woman who lived in New York and a man who lived in New York found each other . . . in New York. We’ll find out how Iggy proposed and whether Kathryn said yes. This is their love story.

Three years ago, Iggy and Kathryn were busy being good people. Both were in New York, at a fundraiser for the Red Cross. They didn’t go to find love, they went to enjoy free drinks and cubed cheese. But when mutual friends introduced them, they began talking and continued talking. After hours had gone by, they looked up to see that Kathryn’s Credit Suisse friends and Iggy’s Goldman Sachs friends had all abandoned them. And that was fine with them. They felt comfortable together, and they felt as if they’d begun a conversation that could last a lifetime.

Their first date began with a walk along the High Line, which Kathryn mentioned reminded her of Cincinnati. Iggy had never heard anyone say that something in New York reminded them of Cincinnati. A rainstorm forced their date into an art gallery, and then to the restaurant closest to the art gallery. They had an incredible dinner, then later, just as her cab was pulling up, they had a magical first kiss. It was so good, they had to shoo the cab driver away only to discover that must have been the last available cab in Manhattan that rainy night. Iggy walked her home, like a gentleman, and after they said goodnight they had the most ridiculous hop in their step.

They took very different paths toward each other. Iggy is half-Iranian, half-American. His dad was a lapsed Muslim, an Iranian small businessman, and his mom was a lapsed Catholic, a vociferous academic at New York University. Like the Monastery Event Center itself, they used to be religious but now cater to anyone who will pay them. Iggy had spent his life as American as can be, the blend of cultures and beliefs in his family enriching him, his parents making sure that he was aware of his heritage but allowing him to make up his own mind about his beliefs and identity.

Kathryn grew up as American as can be, with parents who couldn’t be more American, out in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her dad was a hard-working cop and her Mom was an even harder-working nurse, but they made plenty of time for their daughter. They raised her Christian, taught her to be a good person, supported her enthusiasms, taught her how to shoot a gun, always stayed involved in her school work, and were present for every crisis and achievement.

Iggy and Kathryn loved examining their families’ differences, marveling that no matter what kind of families they came from, their families would be interesting to them, and it wouldn’t make a lick of a difference in how crazy in love they were with each other.

It wasn’t always easy. Nothing worth anything is ever easy. Just as they were getting closer, distance became an issue. Iggy’s firm wanted him to work in the Paris office. He had to take the offer. When he told Kathryn, she cried, and then he cried. They both took turns face-down on his couch, crying.

They made it work. It’s easier these days with email and Skype and Facetime and WhatsApp—but that didn’t make them like it. They saw each other as often as they could, Kathryn making the huge sacrifice of having to spend time in Paris to be with him. During her first visit, Iggy took her on a romantic boat ride on the Seine, and they told each other “I love you” for the first time. They traveled all over: Barcelona, Bruges, Vienna, Prague, Budapest, London, Berlin, and one very long weekend at the Sound of Music festival in Salzburg. They ate interesting food, they talked to people of all different cultures and religions, they navigated train stations and airports and country roads and learned so much about each other as they did so.

One Christmas, Iggy flew to Cincinnati to see her and to meet her parents for the first time. Kathryn’s parents had never seen an Iranian before, and they were shocked at how normal his American accent was.

But that’s America for you: once you meet a person from a different culture, whether it’s an Ohioan meeting a New Yorker, an American meeting an Iranian or in this case both, once you actually spend time with a person you realize that we’re all just humans. Love is the same everywhere. Iggy made multiple visits to Cincinnati, despite the long flights, strategically gaining her parents’ trust. During one visit, he did the traditional thing: he asked her father for permission to marry Kathryn. And her dad said, “Hell no.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t like Iggy. He did like him, even though Iggy knew nothing about college football. Her dad knew that Kathryn didn’t like having a boyfriend in Paris.

Iggy promised he’d do the right thing—and on that condition, Kathryn’s dad gave his blessing.

The next time Iggy and Kathryn visited Cincinnati, Iggy treated her family to a riverboat ride on the Ohio River, because when you work at Goldman Sachs, it’s what you do. Despite living in Ohio their entire lives, neither she nor her parents had ever done one of these rides, so it was a first for all of them. And that wasn’t the end of firsts.

At one point, Iggy pulled Kathryn aside, and they leaned against a railing. Iggy said, “I have two surprises for you.”

He told her he’d gotten himself reassigned to the New York office. She clasped her hands to her mouth and began trembling because she had a feeling she knew what the second surprise would be.

And then Iggy said some beautiful things to Kathryn, things that only she should ever hear. He got down on one knee. He took out a gorgeous engagement ring, holding it reverently between his thumb and index finger. He asked her to marry him. Kathryn said yes, and screamed, and jumped into his arms, and he twirled her round and round.

They told her family and spent the rest of the night in an alcohol-drenched selfie-fest, with the backdrop of the Cincinnati skyline.

Kathryn said yes to Iggy’s proposal because she trusts him completely. She loves every minute she spends with him. She loves experiencing the world with him, and she loves how he makes her laugh no matter where they are or what’s going on. She loves how thoughtful and kind he is. She loves how he loves his family and friends. She loves that she can call out all the answers on Jeopardy before he can.

Iggy asked Kathryn to marry him because he can’t imagine being without her. The world is full of so many things to experience and explore and he loves experiencing everything and exploring everywhere with Kathryn. He loves how selfless she is, how beautiful, how reliable she is. He loves that he can beat her at Scrabble even though she’s such a smarty-pants with her Jeopardy skills.

Together they are proud that they have maintained a lively friendship within their romance. It is an honor to stand up here with two such deserving people and to say with absolute conviction that they are getting married for all the best reasons.

Opening inspired by Stephen Colbert’s opening sequence on his old show, The Colbert Report, because it builds up the excitement of discovery in a tongue-in-cheek way.

Paints the picture of how their lives crossed paths while simultaneously revealing character.

220 words for their entire first date—broad brush strokes.

Always good to make a smart reference about the surroundings.

These last three paragraphs show how people from different cultures and upbringings can be points of fascination and not fear.

Storytelling 101: Give the heroes obstacles.

Overcoming the obstacles!

A montage of images, making a whirlwind romance accessible in the guests’ minds.

Storytelling left-turn: Dad saying no is unexpected.

Transition!

Cliff-hanger! What will the surprises be? We get to experience what Kathryn experienced.

Linking the Seine river “I love you” to the Ohio River proposal is useful for framing and perspective.

Breaks up saccharine detailing of love in an unexpected way that is still completely true.

Breaks up saccharine detailing of love in an unexpected way that is still completely true and echoes to previous paragraph.

These three paragraphs detail her love for him, his love for her, their love for what they’ve achieved with their relationship. It’s all about love and it’s all about two people creating a beautiful third thing that we call a marriage.

The Asking

CELEBRANT: Iggy and Kathryn, I have a few questions for you to clarify your intentions for each other today. The answer we’d all really love to hear in response to each question is “I do.”

Iggy do you want to marry Kathryn?

IGGY: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be Kathryn’s faithful husband, to love her every day, through every challenge, as long as you both shall live?

IGGY: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to treat her as your equal and as your best friend?

IGGY: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be honest with her, to listen to her, to be vulnerable with her, and to share with her your deepest thoughts and feelings?

IGGY: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be the best in-law you can be?

IGGY: I do.

CELEBRANT: Kathryn, do you want to marry Iggy?

KATHRYN: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be Iggy’s faithful wife, to love him every day, through every challenge, as long as you both shall live?

KATHRYN: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to treat him as your best friend and your most cherished companion?

KATHRYN: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be honest with him, to listen to him, to be vulnerable with him, and to share with him your deepest thoughts and feelings?

KATHRYN: I do.

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to be the best in-law you can be?

KATHRYN: I do.

CELEBRANT: Honored guests, do you promise to support this couple?

GUESTS: WE DO!

CELEBRANT: Do you promise to encourage their dreams, to relieve them of their fears, and to offer them advice even when they don’t ask for it?

GUESTS: WE DO!

When couples don’t want to do personal vows, these questions amount to vows.

Serious question

Real, but not-so-serious question

Serious question

Real, but not-so-serious question

Involve the guests!

People love yelling out loud when they know that everyone around them will also be yelling out loud.

Rings

CELEBRANT: Wedding rings are a symbol of commitment and love. They represent what has been and what will always be. These rings will remind Kathryn and Iggy of this day, every day.

Who has the rings?

Best Man Charles hands Kathryn’s RING to Iggy.

CELEBRANT: Iggy, you will go first. Please place Kathryn’s ring on the tip of her ring finger and repeat after me.

CELEBRANT/IGGY (repeating): Kathryn, / I love you. / My heart is in this ring. / I promise to be your faithful husband, / to love you in sickness and in health, / in life and beyond. / When you look at this ring, / remember that I love you always.

CELEBRANT: You may slide the ring all the way onto her finger.

He does.

CELEBRANT: Kathryn, it’s your turn.

Best Man Charles hands IGGY’S RING to Celebrant, Celebrant hands it to KATHRYN.

CELEBRANT/KATHRYN (repeating): Iggy, / Thank you for my beautiful ring. / I love you. / My heart is in this ring. / I promise to be your faithful wife, / to love you in sickness and in health, / in life and beyond. / When you look at this ring, / remember that I love you always.

CELEBRANT: You may place the ring all the way onto his finger.

She does.

Polite, and nobody expects it

Wedding Zen

CELEBRANT: Iggy and Kathryn, your wedding day is already flying by. Many couples remember how fleeting their own wedding day was, especially the ceremony, so I encourage you, right now, to take in every detail of this moment:

The feeling of each other’s hands.

The temperature of the room.

Every single sound you hear.

The feeling of having all these people who love you all in the same place.

Think about the happiness that you’re feeling.

Let that feeling live in your heart and your mind so you will remember it forever.

Now, for pleasing symmetry, think back to the very moment you met.

Improvisational—using whatever details are obvious to all of us

Connects two big-bang moments of the couple’s relationship, the one that began the whole thing and the one that is just about to happen . . .

Pronouncement/Kiss

CELEBRANT: It has been my honor to officiate your ceremony. Now I get to say something you’ve been looking forward to hearing for a long time. By the powers vested in me by the Buckeye State—the wonderful State of Ohio—I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.

Chris gets out of the way, ducking STAGE LEFT with the groomsmen so he is not in the kiss photos.

Kathryn and Iggy kiss.

The guests go nuts!

Recessional

MUSIC CUE: “Beautiful Day” by U2

Kathryn retrieves her bouquet from the Maid of Honor Francine.

Kathryn and Iggy exit.

Francine and Charles exit.

Anthony and Selma exit.

Will and Elvira exit.

Tim and Joanne exit.

Chris invites first row of honored guests to exit, bride’s side first, then groom’s side.

Chris exits.

Kathryn and Iggy live a long, happy life together.