“What?” He jerked back, shock and pain etching his face in a dark scowl. He stood and walked to the window with stiff movements, resting his fists on the windowsill. “I really need you to explain, Miya.”
Taking a steadying breath, she rushed on. “I was pregnant when I came to you that night. I’d known for well over a week and hadn’t figured out a way to tell you. When I decided to throw it out there and hope for the best for us, I found you and Susan.”
His fist hit the wall with brutal force. His back was to her, his shoulders trembling. He stood there, not moving for several moments before turning to face her. “Did you—” His voice cracked. “Did you have the child? Do I have a son or daughter out there somewhere?”
“No.” She shook her head, unable to meet his dark, pain-filled gaze. “I didn’t know what I was going to do. I got on the bus and cried.”
Two long strides brought him to her bed and his hands closed over her arms, his grip almost painful as he shook her. “You killed our baby? How— How could you do that?”
She’d asked herself that a million times over. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. The doctor said—”
“Shut up!” He drew away, his face a mask of revulsion. “I don’t care what any doctor said. Nothing gave you the right to abort my child. I would have raised it myself.”
“I didn’t abort, Shawn.” She squeezed her eyes shut as the memory of the painful miscarriage flooded back. “The doctor said the stress didn’t cause it, but I know better. She was just trying to make me feel better. If I’d stayed and handled this all the right way, our baby would be here now.”
There. She’d finally said the words she’d never said.
He said nothing, and she rushed on. “You see. I hated you for doing this to me, and hated myself for our baby’s death. I can’t believe that even now, after all this time and all this hurt that I still respond to you the way I do. I asked you to stay away, no emotion, no expectations, because of this rancid guilt. I’ve hated you and myself for so long, I didn’t know if I could feel anything else. All I knew was that when I was away, I could forget, at least for a while.”
Undefined emotion played in his green eyes, his gaze never leaving hers. When he would have come near, she held up a hand to stall him. “Please don’t.”
For one second she thought he’d refuse. Then he stepped back, his eyes tortured. “I wish I’d known. Maybe I would have handled this differently from the start. I hate that you had to go through that alone and that you blamed yourself. I would have been there for you.”
Self-loathing rooted her to the bed. She couldn’t move, could barely breathe. What did he think of her? Of the baby that might have been? It was all surreal, talking about a baby as an inanimate object that could have been dealt with in its time, in a different manner. “I didn’t believe that then.”
“I think you did,” he pressed. “I think you panicked and saw a baby and what you saw with Susan as the reason you’d always needed to get out of Dead End.”
“No,” she breathed, hating that her deepest fears were so close to his statement.
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now, anyway. I still love you. I never stopped. But you’ve got to let go of what happened and see what’s still here. You didn’t kill our baby. Fate took that out of our hands.”
“I can’t.” Too many nights alone with her guilt had fused it to her heart.
He knelt before her and pushed her hair behind her ear. “You can. I see it when we make love. Everything else goes away. We can make that happen all the time, if you give us a chance. But I’m not going to push you. The hurt you’ve gone through is unimaginable, and part of that is my fault. Hell, probably all of it is. If I’d given more, showed you that I’d be there no matter what—”
“Don’t.” God, she couldn’t handle him taking this all on his shoulders right now. The sadness in his eyes and the dampness pooling there were crushing.
“I hope you change your mind and choose to stay,” he stated flatly. Brushing his fingers over her eyebrow, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. He inhaled deeply before he continued. “But I’ll understand if you don’t.”
Then he walked away, and all she could do was let him go.
Miya looked through the dusty window to the ice cream shop. “This place hasn’t changed at all.”
She turned to Chloe. Something was on her friend’s mind. She’d been quiet all morning, which was as far from the norm as it could get. Miya had a funny feeling it had something to do with the details she’d given her friend about Shawn and his take on what had happened years ago.
Chloe stared down the small street. “You know. I always thought you were meant to be a city girl, like me.” Her eyes softened and she sighed. “But seeing you here, Mi. I think this is where you really belong.”
Miya shook her head, but Chloe held up a finger and started to pace.
“Yes, you do. Every time we came across a baby, you’d sigh. Now I know why. Your apartment is decorated almost the same as your mother’s house. Again, now I understand. You hate the traffic and the smells in New York. Think about it. We have fun, going to the clubs, shopping. Starrrrrbucksssss,” she sighed. “But you don’t belong there. You want a comfy little home with lots of kids and lemonade on the porch in the evening.”
Chloe’s slight scowl revealed her disgust of the homey thought, and Miya laughed. “It’s part of my past, Chlo.”
“No.” Chloe insisted. “It’s who you are deep down. Your heart is here, girl, whether you want to admit it or not. Most of it’s wrapped up in a big old package of sexy, Southern, drop-dead-gorgeous Shawn who’d bleed his heart dry to make you smile.”
Shawn. It had been eight days since she’d chewed him up and spit him out. She’d found any number of reasons to extend her visit and only admitted, in her most desperate moments, that staying had something to do with him. He’d walked away and she hadn’t seen him since. But he hadn’t left his wants, or his presence unknown. Each day, she’d received a fresh bouquet of wildflowers with a card that simply said Come home.
Until today.
She didn’t know what that meant. She only knew it scared her. “I don’t know, Chlo.”
“Oh, please.” Chloe waved away the comment. “You know as well as I do that he never even considered cheating on you. I met your cousin Susan at the wedding. She’s a piece of nature’s work not worth seeing. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out she had her hands in at least ten pairs of pants that day. She likes to brew trouble. I saw it all day at the reception. I know Shawn told you the truth, and now he’s hurting as much as you did when that baby died.”
Hearing Chloe say it—made it sound worse. All this time and pain for nothing. A chaotic chain of events that had spiraled out of control. There had to be so much more to it than that. Didn’t there? Their past might be resolved, the pain of their loss might lessen, but she had a life now. Far away from Dead End, Texas. “I have friends in New York.”
“That suck most of the time.” Chloe scowled. “Besides me, of course.”
“And an apartment.”
“It’ll be snatched up the moment you leave.”
“And a job,” Miya countered.
“You’ll have to come up with a better argument than that.”
Miya leaned back against the window. “I don’t know if I want to come home.”
Chloe looped her arm through Miya’s and walked her into the ice cream shop. After ordering two large chocolate on chocolate—with chocolate sprinkles—sundaes, they sat at a table near the window. “You want to be here and he wants you here.”
A tiny thrill raced through Miya at the thought. “You make it sound so simple. But I don’t know what to think right now.”
“Well, I do. Think about this.” She took a scoop of ice cream and popped it in her mouth. Talking around the food, she continued, “Have you had any relationships that lasted?”
“No.” Miya glanced at her sundae. “Neither have you.”
“That’s cuz I don’t want to. For you, it’s because no one else can compare when you’re already in love with someone.” She scooped another large spoonful of chocolate syrup and smiled. “Here goes the diet.”
“You don’t need to diet.”
Chloe shrugged then tipped her head to the side a bit, her expression thoughtful. “Maybe I do. Seems I’m losing my touch.”
Miya sat back in her seat. It was hard to concentrate on what her friend was saying when thoughts of Shawn kept invading her mind. Their last morning in her room kept playing over and over like a recurring dream. His explanation, his acceptance. His kiss and the way he’d controlled her body, giving her exquisite pleasure until she…
Wait— What? She looked at her friend. “What do you mean, ‘losing your touch’?”
“I was turned down cold the other morning.”
She was certain she didn’t want to know, and yet she asked anyway, praying Chloe hadn’t hit on her father. “By who?”
“Whom is the correct way to ask, but—” Chloe laughed and spun her spoon around on the ice cream, creating a tall peak. “Your delicious cowboy, of course. And I was even in my lingerie.”
He’d turned Chloe down. Not a huge surprise considering Shawn was just one of those good-to-the-bone-marrow kind of guys. She’d forgotten, or pushed it away to make walking away easier. It felt good to know even the mighty, man-eating Chloe Garrison couldn’t tempt him into bed. The tiny thrill turned into full-blown euphoria. “What did he say exactly?”
Chloe’s smile could have lit up the town. “You see! You’re dying to know. But I’m not going to tell you.” She reached across the table and squeezed Miya’s hand. “You need to go talk to him.”
Nothing like a little city-life badassness to shed light on her countrified fuck-up. “Yeah, I guess I really do.”
“That’s enough of that.” With a nod, Chloe pushed her dish away. “Now. Does this little town of yours have a naughty nightie shop? We need to get you something sexy.”
Miya was confused, but she stood and followed her whirlwind friend to the door. “Why?”
Chloe laughed and looped her arm through hers again as they set off down the street. “Well, with the way you booted Shawn out the other morning, I’d say you owe him a bit of an apology. And that, my simple friend, is where the fuck-me-senseless-then-give-my-silly-ass-another-chance lace or leather come in.”
Miya slipped the receipt for her new negligee into the bag. Her fingers brushed the silky blue fabric, and she smiled. There was something about the outfit. It screamed forgive me, and even though it had cost a bit more than she’d expected, she had a feeling it would be worth every penny.
She stepped out of the shop into the mall’s huge main hall. They’d had to drive an hour and a half into what Chloe had categorized as civilization, but the trip had been worth it.
The drive had given Miya time to think, plan and tweak her strategy. She had a lot of making up to do, and Shawn was just now dealing with pain she’d had years to process.
Chloe had gone on to another store and Miya had no idea where she might have wandered. A massive fountain that served as the center point of the tri-level shopping center offered a quiet respite from the busy building and she took a corner bench. Trailing her fingers through the clear water, she focused on her plan for the rest of the day.
It would take a little over two hours to get back to her parents’ house. If she timed it right, she could grab a quick shower and drive out to Shawn’s before it became too dark. Not that she was worried about getting lost. She knew the route to his house by heart. Problem was, the roads outside of town were rutted after the rainy season. The potholes and washouts were big enough to swallow a small car. She didn’t want to take the chance that anything might mess up the evening.
She had to make things right. Everything Shawn had told her made sense. She’d been a fool. Not as much for reacting to what she’d seen and heard, but for running away before she’d heard him out or given him a chance to explain. She’d been young and impulsive, scared out of her mind with the thought of becoming a mother well before she’d planned. Scared of losing herself to a small town and the life it offered, she’d given up everything over an anger she couldn’t even find inside herself anymore. It might not have made a difference then, but at least she would have known his side of the story. He’d deserved that much.
Now, she knew she’d done him wrong. Letting him make love to her, even encouraging him while she held back. He’d admitted his feelings—and she’d been a real bitch. She hoped it wasn’t too late to say she was sorry. To tell him she wanted him, and that she still loved him, even after all this time.
Frustrated, she glanced around. She’d never get the chance to speak with Shawn if Chloe didn’t hurry up. She reached into her purse for her cell phone when a loud squeal of delight sounded close by. “Miya? Miya Jackson, is that really you?”
Miya looked up as Penelope Ashland strolled over. Susan’s younger sister by five years, Penelope was everything that Susan no longer was. Her tall, slim body moved with the grace of a dancer as she crossed the floor and enveloped Miya in a huge hug. “Hi, Penelope.”
“Hi, Penelope? That’s it?” She stamped her stiletto heel and flipped her hair over one shoulder. “My God, I missed you! How have you been? Susan said you came home for Casey’s wedding. I couldn’t make it because I was in Paris for a photo shoot, but Casey received my gift, I hope.”
There had always been such a relaxed aura about Penelope that Miya found it difficult to process this new, diva-ish side of her younger cousin. “Penelope, you look amazing. And yes, Casey loved the crystal champagne glasses. They toasted with them, you know.”
“They did?” Penelope’s smile grew wider. “Oh, that’s wonderful.”
“How was Paris?” Penelope had grown from a gangly tomboy into one of the most sought-after models in the fashion world. Her pictures plastered billboards and magazines, and there had been an article about a whirlwind romance Penelope had brought to an abrupt halt when she found her man in bed with another woman. Miya had followed her life through the tabloids, but seeing her again was like the old days. “Any French hunks to dish about?”
“Oh, you have no idea.” She sat down on the bench and patted the seat next to her. “There was this one guy. If I could have stuffed him in my suitcase and brought him home I would have. Unfortunately, my publicity managers never would have stood for it. He was a new photographer.”
She flipped her hand as if that explained it all. Miya laughed. When she would have asked more, Chloe’s voice interrupted, “There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. We’ve got to get going.”
Miya cringed and introduced the two ridiculously beautiful women. The last thing she needed was instinctive competition between the two knockouts. Chloe’s eyes narrowed when Miya explained that Penelope was Susan’s younger sister.
Penelope just smiled at Chloe. “I can tell by the way you’re looking at me that you’ve met my sister.”
Chloe crossed her arms over her chest. “And what a pleasure it was.”
“No bullshit. Well, I like you already.” Penelope laughed. “Susan is Susan, and that’s all she’ll ever be. Right, Miya? Chloe, I’m sorry you had to meet her. Did she hit on your husband or boyfriend?” She gave Chloe a quick once-over. “You’re gorgeous, so any guy you had with you must have been gorgeous as well.”
Miya looked at the ceiling. This could be disastrous. The meeting of two equally beautiful women had cat-fight potential written all over it.
“Nope. Didn’t bring anyone.” Chloe set her hands on her hips. “Lucky for your sister too. If she’d hit on my man, she would have had a hard time seeing where to put all the dicks she’s had inside of her after I was done.”
Choking back a groan, Miya stepped between them and looped her arms through each of theirs. “Ladies, I could use a coffee.”
“Tell me something, Penelope.” Chloe shifted to look over Miya’s head at Penelope. “Do you know what really happened the night Susan and Shawn supposedly screwed?”
Miya stopped dead in her tracks. “Chloe!”
“What?” Chloe shrugged. “You obviously weren’t going to ask.”
Penelope tightened her grip on Miya’s arm, her expression pinched with discomfort. “I do. If you want to know. My sister confessed everything to me one night a couple of years ago.”
The moment Penelope offered, reality washed away the hours and years Miya had blamed Shawn Dalton.
She already knew. She’d always known. He was right. She’d used the situation with Susan to escape her fear of being stuck.
There was no reason to hear it from anyone else. She’d made her choice, and the last thing she wanted was to go to Shawn on someone else’s reassurances. “No, Penelope. I don’t. I believe Shawn, and that’s all I need to know.”
She wanted nothing more than to leave that minute.
“Here.” Chloe passed her the keys to the car. “I’ll get Penelope to give me a ride, or I’ll take a cab.”
Penelope looked between them with some confusion, but agreed. “Sure thing. Chloe and I will finish shopping—”
Miya didn’t hear the rest. She was going home.
Nervousness. Plain and simple.
She was nervous as hell. That explained the shakiness in her hands and the rapid beat of her heart. She had to force herself to concentrate on the curves in the dirt road. No simple task with numerous visions of what could happen racing through her head.
She might very well be overthinking this anyway. Shawn certainly seemed to want her, but he hadn’t said anything about forever. Fair was fair. She hadn’t given him a chance to explain four years ago, and he might not give her the chance to show him she still loved him. She was willing to take that chance.
The small sign ahead indicated the entrance to the Dalton Ranch and she took a deep breath. This was it. Turning up the long drive, she smiled. She wouldn’t let him out of bed until he gave in. He’d said he planned to convince her to come home. Now it was up to her to make him believe that she would. For him, and for herself. She’d always belonged in Dead End. She’d just had to see it for herself first.
She pulled the car to a stop in front of his house and pried her fingers from the steering wheel. Shutting the car off, she opened the door and stepped out. The sudden wish that he would come out onto the porch, invite her in with a smile and beg her to stay forever warped through her mind.
No such luck. Dead silence met her. She’d actually have to walk up there and knock. Good Lord did she ever want to run.
With a hard swallow to alleviate the lump forming in her throat, she squared her shoulders and marched up the steps. Not a lot had changed on his family’s ranch, though there were some differences. The corral that had always held numerous horses now stood empty. The large barn where she and Shawn had whiled away the hours in the hayloft now sagged at the roof, its weatherworn paint cracked and faded.
She rapped her knuckles on the metal portion of the screen door and waited. The porch was new, the scent of fresh pine and wood stain filled her nose. There weren’t any curtains in the windows, and the delicious smell of Mama Dalton’s baking was conspicuously absent. Some things had changed. Personal things in the lives of people she’d left behind.
She cringed when she remembered the way she’d waited for Momma’s emails after she’d mentioned that Joy Dalton had suffered a stroke. Damn it. She was such a bitch. She’d been so caught up in her own issues she hadn’t even asked about his mother… He’d dealt with so many hardships. Losing his father when he was ten… His mother had been his hero, and Miya had been too self-absorbed to ask about her. Another mistake she had to rectify. It explained so much about the ranch. Shawn was obviously taking care of his Momma and the home.
Knocking again, she peeked into the windows. On a throw rug, near the large fireplace, was Hooch. It amazed her that the old hunting hound was still alive. He must be near fifteen. And as deaf as always since he didn’t even raise his head at her knock. No one moved inside, not a sound to lead her to believe Shawn might be there.
She glanced back at the drive. She’d parked next to his truck, and there was an older model Harley-Davidson motorcycle leaning against the tall tree at the edge of the barn. It was possible he had another vehicle. Or maybe he was in one of the sheds out back.
Miya stepped down from the porch and walked toward the side of the house. A large bang and the resonating crash of something from the barn scared her. Then she heard an angry curse emanate from the structure. Guess she’d found him.
With a deep steadying breath, she took the last steps to whatever might come. Like the moment before a leap of faith into dark water, she let all the worry and fear go and blew out a slow breath. If she wanted Shawn Dalton and the life she’d left behind, she’d have to convince him that she believed him. She’d have to convince him that she was sorry.
And even if he didn’t take her back, she’d know that she tried.
Which was more than she could say about the past.