The Indoor Pirates had been out shopping and now they were on their way home in Captain Blackpatch’s truck. The truck was blood red, which was the captain’s favourite colour. Blackpatch had made the garage man paint a skull and crossbones on the side. The truck also had a Jolly Roger flying from the cabin.
Lumpy Lawson, Bald Ben and the twins Molly and Polly had to sit in the back because there were only two seats in the front and the captain was the driver. The passenger seat was always taken up by an anchor. (If you’re wondering why he had an anchor there, you are about to find out.)
And if you want to know why the pirates went around in a truck I will tell you. They didn’t like water and they didn’t like boats. So they stayed indoors most of the time, in their house: number 25 Dolphin Street. That’s why they were called the Indoor Pirates, of course. Everybody knows that!
Polly and Molly were arguing, as usual.
‘I’m going faster than you!’ said Polly.
‘No, I’m going faster than you!’ yelled Molly.
‘Don’t be daft. You can’t go faster than me because we’re both in the same truck!’ cried Polly triumphantly.
‘I KNOW THAT!’ declared Molly. ‘And anyhow, guess what? I’m going slower than you, so there, nurr with knobs on.’ She put her fingers in her ears. ‘And now I can’t hear so I don’t know what you’re saying. La la la la.’ And she sang the rest of the way home.
Polly sat opposite her sister and pulled faces at her.
Molly closed her eyes. ‘I can’t see you either,’ she said, interrupting her singing for a second or two before carrying on. ‘La la la la …’
Lumpy Lawson and Bald Ben heaved a sigh of relief when the captain at last turned into Dolphin Street. The truck went zooming down the road at great speed and just before they reached number 25, Captain Blackpatch rolled down his window and chucked out the anchor. He had never learned what brakes were for.
The anchor bounced along the road several times, caught round a tree and a moment later they were jerked to a halt.
‘Right,’ declared the captain. ‘Everyone help get the shopping into the house.’ They began to unload the car.
‘My bag’s bigger than your bag,’ said Polly.
‘My bag is bigger AND heavier than yours,’ declared Molly. ‘So knickers to you.’
‘Well,’ smirked Polly, ‘your knickers are even bigger than your bag, because you have got such a gigantic big –’
‘AARGH!’ Captain Blackpatch gave a terrible cry and Polly never finished. The captain was standing at the open front door and staring into the house with horror.
‘We’ve been burgled!’ he cried.
‘Robbed!’ gasped Bald Ben. ‘Who would want to do a nasty thing like that?’
Captain Blackpatch gave Ben a dark look. ‘Ben, we are pirates. We’re supposed to rob people – and now we’ve been robbed instead. It’s not right at all.’
They stared at the mess the burglars had left behind. The sofa was upside down and had an armchair perched on top of it. Cushions lay everywhere. Vases had been smashed. Drawers had been pulled out and emptied on to the floor. Curtains had been torn from the windows. It was a sorry sight.
‘We’ve been stolened,’ said Polly.
‘Can’t say stolened, stupid. You have to say stolen,’ snapped Molly.
‘But we haven’t been stolen. We’re here. It’s what’s gone that’s been stolen,’ said Polly.
‘Nasty, horrible thieves!’ shouted Lumpy Lawson, shaking a knobbly fist at nothing in particular. ‘If only I could get my hands on them I’d put them in my biggest frying pan and sizzle ‘em until they jumped all over the place.’
‘What are we going to do?’ they chorused and everyone looked expectantly at Captain Blackpatch. He tugged at his beard thoughtfully. His eyes narrowed.
‘What we need is a plan!’ he declared. ‘Exactly. A plan. That’s what we need.’ And the others looked at Captain Blackpatch even more expectantly. He tugged his beard even harder.
‘And the plan is –’ he began, rolling his eyes from side to side as he scoured his head for an idea – ‘the plan is that I shall go upstairs to think and when I come down I shall tell you what the plan is.’
Bald Ben scratched the tattoo on top of his bald head. (It was picture of a rose, with I LOVE MUM written underneath.) ‘I don’t think that will work,’ said Bald Ben.
‘What do you mean? Captain Blackpatch eyed him suspiciously.
‘Well, your plan is that you’ll go upstairs to think and your other plan is that you’ll come down and tell us what it is. You can’t come down and tell us that the plan is that you’ll go upstairs and then come down and tell us what the plan is, because the plan is that you’ll go upstairs to think and then you’ll come down and you’ll spend all day just going up stairs and coming down again to tell us you’re going up and –’
‘SHUT UP!’ roared Captain Blackpatch. ‘You’re all idiots. Am I the only one with a brain here?’
‘Polly doesn’t have a brain –’ began Molly.
‘DON’T YOU START!’ warned the captain, giving the twins a black look. ‘I’m going upstairs to think, and you lot can put the shopping away AND tidy up this horrible mess.’ He clumped up the stairs and disappeared from sight.
While the remaining pirates unpacked the bags, put all the shopping away AND cleared up the mess, Captain Blackpatch stayed upstairs thinking. The others knew he must be thinking very hard because they could hear his snores even from down below.
They stared at the mess the burglars had left behind them and wondered where to start. Newspapers, plastic seagulls, letters, table lamps, eyepatches, shoes, wooden legs, toys, underpants, hooks, seaboots, bits of food, stuffed parrots and dirty plates had been thrown higgledy-piggledy all over the place and in every room. It was going to take hours to sort out. And all that time the captain stayed upstairs, thinking.
It was four hours before Captain Blackpatch reappeared, but when he did he was wearing a broad smile.
‘I have solved our problem,’ he announced. ‘What we need is a guard dog, a very fierce guard dog, that will bark loudly if burglars ever come again.’
‘Yes!’ cried Lumpy Lawson. ‘And it can growl at them and show them big sharp teeth.’
‘And it can run after the burglars and bite their bottoms!’ shouted Molly.
‘It can bite your bottom!’ giggled Polly.
‘Bite yours first,’ snapped Molly.
Bald Ben put his hand up. He had a question. The last time Bald Ben had asked a question he’d got Captain Blackpatch into a big muddle. The captain frowned.
‘What is it?’ he hissed.
‘I was just wondering, where will we get a guard dog from?’
‘A guard dog shop, you big, bouncing baldie!’
yelled the captain. ‘A pet shop. There’s one in town. Come on.’
So they piled back in the truck, drove off at high speed and immediately came to a crunching halt. The captain’s hat fell over his eyes. Lumpy Lawson spilled his drink and the twins banged their heads.
‘OW!’ yelled Molly.
‘My OW! is bigger than your OW!’ squeaked Polly.
‘No, my OW! is as big as the biggest head bump on the planet!’ countered Molly.
‘And MY OW! is as big as the biggest bump on the biggest planet in the biggest universe in the biggest ever whatever!’ squawked Polly triumphantly. ‘So there.’
Molly gave her sister a poisonous smile. ‘Yes,’ she agreed. ‘But that’s because you’re as stupid as the biggest ever whatever, so there – multiplied.’
Bald Ben got out and enjoyed the silence outside the truck for a few moments before he unwound the anchor from the tree. Off they went once more and this time they actually reached the pet shop.
The Indoor Pirates stood outside and Captain Blackpatch rubbed his hands with glee. ‘We are going to get the best guard dog ever,’ he crowed. ‘Come on! Let’s get inside!’
Will Captain Blackpatch’s plan work?
Probably not!
You can find out what happens next
by reading Part Two on page 76.
