The sun cast its strong morning rays right on me. I stirred in bed and let out a tired moan as I stretched my limbs. Reagan had the most comfortable bed in the world.
When I heard the grand piano downstairs, I smiled. Reagan was in the middle of writing her fourth album, and over the past few weeks practically living with her, I had gotten to wake up to the sounds of the grand piano or Reagan humming melodies beside me as she wrote in her own journal all the lyrics that came to her. Even better, she’d nudge me awake since she was always the first one to wake up to ask me how a certain lyric sounded.
Those became my favorite mornings.
As I walked down the stairs, I found Reagan sitting in an oversize T-shirt and her underwear, her hair in a sloppy, messy bun that tilted to the side and would come undone with a simple shake of her head. She was scribbling lyrics in her journal propped up on the piano’s music stand. Next to the music stand was a plate of the baklava Reagan convinced me to make a few days ago. I wasn’t stressed at all, so baking something as difficult as baklava really wasn’t on my list of things to do. But Reagan begged and pleaded, and I couldn’t say no to her. Plus, teaching her how to bake and spending all that time with her gave me a new incentive to bake.
I wrapped my arms around her back so I could kiss the column of her neck which smelled like her and morning. She stopped playing so she could crane her neck and fully enjoy all the kisses I had to give her, all while I marveled at the touch of her toned, smooth legs that had been freed from awful, useless pants.
“Hey, beautiful,” I said. “You still eating baklava for breakfast?”
She twisted around on the piano bench and wrapped her smooth legs around mine to hold me in place. “Yes, when it tastes like that, I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Does that mean I can ditch the salad today?”
“Mmm, no. But nice try,” she said before she kissed me.
“You know how much I’m gonna miss these mornings?”
“I have an idea, but how about you just tell me anyway?”
I kissed her lips. “Okay, for starters, I’m going to miss this whole no pants routine.” And then another kiss. “And your piano playing.” A third kiss that lasted a little bit longer because her smile kept growing, and that was my weakness. “And the smell of a full pot of coffee and waking up to you writing songs.”
“You forgot the kiss,” she said and tapped her lips.
I placed my hands on her cheeks and kissed her again, lingering a little bit because I knew once Miles and I hit the American highways yet again for our first ever headlining tour, I was really going to miss all the moments I could have kissed her but didn’t.
“You know, you’re really sappy, and that’s so not rock ’n’ roll,” she said. “Your sleeve tattoo is misleading.”
“Guess what? I don’t care anymore.”
“Good.”
I made myself a cup of coffee and then plopped on the cushioned patio chair that overlooked the skyscrapers poking behind the Hollywood Hills to my right. The view was even better at night when the whole city sparkled.
She followed me outside, clutching what I could only guess was her fourth cup of coffee, given that it was going on eleven o’clock. Her butt pushed my stretched-out legs over so she could join me on my chair.
“So, have you given any more thought about your Louisville show?” she asked and glanced down at the steam billowing from her cup.
After thinking really hard about my life and where I wanted to go from here, asking that question didn’t trigger me like it would have in the past. I thought a lot about my dad randomly appearing backstage, everything he said to me, analyzing why he did it. Thinking became a real hobby of mine ever since I dropped out of Reagan’s tour. I didn’t like all the anger that had accumulated inside me, anger from my grandparents dying to my dad shaking up my broken life even more. That was the one thing I really thought about while I was trying to get sober. My dad and the words he told me as to why he wasn’t in the picture. The words that rang so true to me: removing yourself to prevent others from hurting. I didn’t think it was okay for him to abandon Mom and me, and I never would think it was okay, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be empathetic. I removed myself from Alanna, I removed myself from Reagan’s tour, and sure, I wouldn’t ever straight up abandon my pregnant girlfriend or child, but hearing his words made him more human than villainous. It made him human because I didn’t consider myself a villain for dropping out of the things that I thought I would just make worse. My experiences humanized Jason Hines.
I learned over the past few months that everyone had their demons. Everyone made mistakes, and everyone deserved a second chance if they apologized and truly meant it. I spent my whole life pointing fingers at my father as the biggest villain in my life, then I’d lied to my grandpa and jeopardized Reagan’s tour because of my own pain and stupidity.
I guess at the very least, Jason Hines deserved a second chance. He deserved to redeem himself because who I was at twenty definitely wasn’t who I was at twenty-four, and I knew that who I would be at forty-five wouldn’t be anywhere close to who I was now. At least, I hoped. Maybe Jason Hines was a shitty person when he was twenty, but maybe he was a really great person at forty-five.
Also, it was really tiring to hate someone, and if I wanted to live a happy life, I had to shed as much anger as I could, and that started with giving Jason—I mean, my father—a second chance.
“Yeah, I have,” I said.
“And?”
“And…” I let out a sigh as I prepared for the words to make it official. “I think I’m gonna give him a chance.”
Reagan lowered her mug. “Seriously?”
I nodded, trying to take in my decision myself, just as shocked as she was. “I wasted too many years hating him, and now that he’s fought so hard to make amends, just for me to pile shit on him, I don’t think it was fair because that showed a lot of strength and courage. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy thing at all, and maybe if he would have found me at a better moment of my life, maybe I would have reacted better than I did. But I’m tired of constantly wondering about him and what my life would be like with my father in it. I think because I lost my grandpa, I have so much room for other people in my life, or maybe now that he’s gone, I’m desperate for more. I mean, what do I have to lose? I spent twenty-four years without him; the worst that would happen is that we go our separate ways, but I can survive without him. Look at everything I have right now.”
Reagan gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “You know I support whatever decision you choose.”
I kissed the back of her hand. “I know.”
“When do you think you’ll reach out?”
I shrugged and took another sip of my coffee. “I don’t know. Last night I was kinda thinking about today.”
“Today?”
She sounded as if I told her something crazy, but the reality of the situation was that Miles and I kicked off our twenty-show tour in a week, starting in Nashville, and our Louisville show was the third show. I couldn’t wait until the last minute to call him. Actually, I think I was already hovering in the last-minute territory.
“The show is in a week and a half. I’ve been putting it off long enough, and today, it doesn’t scare me as much as it did a few days ago.”
“Do whatever you feel is right, love. I’ll be right here if you want me to be?”
I nodded, kissed her hand, gave my body another sip of coffee, and reached for my phone. It was time to pull off the Band-Aid.
With my brain teeming with reflective thoughts, the majority of them concerning my family and my dad, I made myself really familiar with his business card, studying each letter and number as I weighed my options of what to do with it. His phone number was already printed inside my memory, and I already practiced over and over what I was going to say to him, the words I’d say if he was interested in coming to the show, the words I’d say if he wasn’t.
As I finished typing his number, my chest dove into my stomach. “Okay, I’m gonna do it now,” I said.
Reagan pressed her lips together in a nervous smile as she tightened her grip around my hand.
I let out the last deep breath, clasped her hand to get me through this call, and then I pressed the red phone button.
The ringing sang in my ear, I closed my eyes, listening to each unanswered ring forcing my stomach to sink further.
“Hello?”
My eyes shot open to Reagan still monitoring me, and silence squeezed itself into the phone line as I wondered if that was the same voice as the one I barely listened to in Louisville.
My throat caught my breath. “Hi, um, is this Jason?”
Reagan’s eyes widened.
“Yes?” he responded hesitantly in his deep voice with the faintest Southern drawl. “Who’s this?”
I exhaled the deep breath. There was no turning back now. “This is Blair. Your, um, your daughter.”
The silence grew thicker this time, as if all the stakes sang in a muted chorus. My heart thrummed in my chest, and a ball of nerves evolved in my throat.
“Oh, hi, Blair,” he said, and I swear I could hear his smile. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting your call.”
I nervously scratched the back of my head. “Yeah, um, I guess I gave no good warning.”
“No, it’s a good surprise, though. I think?”
“Yeah, it’s a good surprise, I think too. Um…I know it’s been a few months, but…um…” I sighed and ran my fingers through my knotty morning hair. “Look, I was an asshole when we first met. I wasn’t really in the best state of mind, so you were kind of doomed from the get-go. But I’ve gained a lot of perspective since then, probably similar to the perspective you gained since college. The truth is, I always wondered why I wasn’t good enough for you. Almost every day, even if I tried so hard to deny those feelings, they were still there. Maybe March wasn’t the best time for us to meet because my life was kinda messed up, but now that I think I have a better handle on things, I’d like to at least try. To know you, that is. If you’re still interested, and if you’re not, I totally understand, and if you want nothing to do with me, I won’t hold a grudge—”
He chuckled. “Of course I’d like that. Yes, I’m still interested. I’ve seen a lot in my life, so an angry musician doesn’t really make the list of things to run away from. Sorry to disappoint.”
His comment warranted a smile, and Reagan’s eyebrows drew together.
“Okay, cool. So, um, my band is going on tour, starting next week actually, so this is really last minute, but I’ll be playing in Louisville—”
“That’s not a problem at all. I can clear up any day that I have plans.”
His comment stopped my words dead in their tracks. I frowned and was just as confused as how Reagan looked. “Really?”
“What’s more important than this?”
“I mean, I don’t know. I’m sure I could figure out something.”
“The answer is nothing. So, go on, what day were you thinking?”
“Right, yeah, um, the show. I have a show in Louisville on the tenth, and I was wondering if you wanted to come. I promise not to sing any Kelly Clarkson songs this time.”
He laughed again. “Well, if that’s the case, then I’d love to.”
I grinned and then gave Reagan’s hand another squeeze. “Great! I was thinking maybe you can come to sound check; we can grab dinner, I can pay for your hotel if you didn’t want to drive back.”
“I’m up for anything, Blair. Really. I’m just glad you reached out.”
“Yeah, me too. And I’m sorry for everything I said and did last time.”
“It’s all right. No hard feelings. It’s water under the bridge.”
“Cool. Well, I’ll let you go. I’ll stay in contact with you and reach out again closer to the show. You have my number now, so feel free to reach out whenever.”
“Right back at you. I’m really looking forward to it.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Have a good one, Blair.”
And once the line went dead, I let out the breath that collected in my chest. Reagan squeaked and tossed her arms around me, rewarding me with a kiss attack all over my face.
“Babe! I’m so so happy for you!” she said and cupped my face, planting a long kiss on my lips.
When she pulled away, I couldn’t control my grin. I did it. One of the scariest things I’d ever had to do, and I did it. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe the man I resented for so long wanted to be in my life. I couldn’t believe the man I flipped out on in Louisville still didn’t run away from getting to know me. I couldn’t believe I had plans with my father in a week and a half.
This was so weird. Did I call him Jason? Did I call him Dad? Was “Dad” even a real word because when I said it over and over again in my head, it didn’t sound like a real word.
“Wow, this is really crazy,” I said.
“But a good crazy.”
I looked down at her to find her hopeful eyes staring up at me. I kissed her nose. “Yeah, good crazy.”
My life was nowhere near perfect. I still walked around with a hole vacant from my wonderful grandparents who raised me, who taught me everything about life and love that I needed to learn. Those holes would never be fully filled again, but they could be patched up, and that was what they would have wanted for me. For the first time in my life, my brain was at ease, as if what was once a constant current of swells finally simmered down to a calm ripple, the kind of ripples I peacefully fell asleep to on a noise machine. I’d never seen my mom happier in her own place, spending lots of time finding her own hobbies other than working, schoolwork, and either taking care of me or taking care of one of her sick parents. I’d never seen a person other than Grandma and Gramps who made her smile as much as Greg did. My music career was only starting to launch, and I was so in love with a girl. A wonderful girl. A girl who made me excited for all the unknowns because as long as it was with her, it would all be wonderful.
Reagan nestled her head into my neck and kissed me softly underneath my jaw as she wrapped her arm around my chest. With a long kiss on her forehead, breathing in the smell of her fruity body wash, I exhaled a deep, contented sigh as I continued to gaze at the hills surrounding me and enjoyed all the beautiful things that I had in my life. There were a lot, and in that moment, I didn’t want a breath from it all anymore because I was overwhelmed in the best possible way. I wanted to enjoy all of it.
I was eager to keep going. And I would keep going.