Minutes blended into hours as I sat on the curb in the humid night. Waiting. For what, I hadn’t a clue. My death sentence, I supposed.
Texts had come through from each of my crew, chiming in with updates. No one had seen Hannah. Right when I was about to retrace my steps and start the search all over again, Kristen texted. Chloe had called Daniel to let him know she’d run into an upset Hannah right after the incident and taken her home.
Whose home? Chloe’s or Hannah’s?
Not that it really mattered. Hannah obviously didn’t want to talk to me, or she’d be here now. Would have texted me at least, to let me know she was okay.
But I knew my sins, and they’d been grave.
Possibly fatal.
None of the problem had to do with Madison, although she’d certainly been an instigating component. Part of it had to do with the difficulty Hannah had in opening herself wide and trusting again. Not only that I wouldn’t cheat on her, but that I would protect her—confide in her with everything, for fuck’s sake. I’d been irresponsible with that. Hadn’t given it the attention it rightfully deserved.
And maybe a million things could’ve happened, impossible to predict, but I knew in my gut something bad had been coming, that Hannah and possibly our relationship were in danger. Even with all the warning bells going off the last few weeks, I could’ve put Hannah first above everything else—all this worthless shit—but I’d chosen not to.
Maybe that said something dark and tragic about me. My therapist would probably call it a “hero complex.” Because guys like me thought we could save the world, handle it all perfectly. But the world had crashed down around me when I failed to keep safe the one person who counted on me the most.
At some point, with how great Hannah and I had been doing, and with how busy things had gotten in our lives, I’d forgotten the challenging path she had walked to get to this point—and how fragile she still remained in many respects beneath that tough front of hers.
“Cade.” Kristen sat down next to me on the curb.
“Hey.” My lungs burned, like every drag of oxygen scorched them.
“I’m so sorry, bro.” She hugged me with one arm. “What’re you still doing here?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head before dropping it onto my folded arms. “Nowhere to go.”
“What?” Her hand squeezed my shoulder when I sighed.
“Home has Ava, our dog. Hannah doesn’t want to see me. And I can’t make my legs move to leave this spot. Her car is sitting next to my Jeep. It’s like the moment I leave, that’s it.”
“So talk to her.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want me to. And maybe I don’t have the right to. She deserves better than me. I knew her issues. Had I stopped to really think about her needs and fears for just a moment, and she’d given me plenty of opportunities to do so—she’d even asked me to relinquish the reins with this in her own way for Christ’s sake—then she wouldn’t have gotten hurt. But I was pushing forward too hard too fast, without making sure Hannah was there with me. Now it’s too late.”
She rubbed my back. “Cade, that’s ridiculous. It’s a misunderstanding. Give it time, she’ll come around.”
I sighed heavily. “Don’t think so. I knew the stakes, but ignored them. I blew off the signs. My ego got in the way. I should’ve handed the event over to you and protected her. It was a huge thing for her to trust herself in the first place, let alone trust me. She went through weeks of therapy over the issues she’d had. I was reckless.” I should’ve been more careful, kept Hannah in the forefront of my mind with all things, especially where Madison was concerned. “All her scar tissue, all the trauma she’d finally healed over and moved on from, got ripped wide open today.”
“So that’s it? You’re not going to fight for her, fight for what the two of you have?”
“Not tonight. She needs time. And I need to get my head screwed on straight. I thought I could be what she needed. I’m the one who asked her to try. But I pushed her concerns aside. I’m the one who failed her.”
“Oh, Cade.” Kristen pulled me in tighter.
I clung to her. My entire world had imploded, and the small comfort of family support in the midst of ruin helped me to breathe for a moment.
“If I disappear for a while, you good to handle everything?” Hannah didn’t want to be around me now. And I didn’t trust myself to stick around and not force the issue to see her.
Her long pause made the air even heavier. “Yeah.”
I lifted my head finally, looking into eyes I hadn’t been ready to see yet. A world of sympathy gazed back at me. I gave her a hard unblinking stare until she reined it in and nodded, understanding.
Working past the choking cramp at the base of my throat, I swallowed hard. “Take care of Hannah too. She needs you. Needs all of you.”
“We will, Cade. She’s family.” A tear tracked down her cheek, but she quickly wiped it away. “You’re family too, baby brother. Don’t you disappear for long. We need you too.”
I gave her an absent nod. Because I was adrift and had no idea what I would do. Even if Hannah came around tomorrow, next week, next month, I didn’t know what it would take for me to be what she needed. But I sure as fuck didn’t want to be something she didn’t need.
I nudged a gentle fist into her chin. “If for nothing else, to kick your asses at Monopoly.” I forced the corners of my mouth up, but the attempted smile fell.
“Will you tell the others I’m heading out for a while? Kendall and Kiki? Mom and Dad? Ben…Mase?”
“I will, Cade. I’ll give them all your love.”
Good. Because the thought of composing a text to each of them was overwhelming.
I felt empty.