Has mankind ever had a better friend (apart from God) than the domestic dog in all its varieties? They have lived alongside us since Stone Age days, hunting with us, protecting our homes—and getting to know all our funny little ways! No one can laugh with you and at you like an old friend can. And you get to return the favor. Which is possibly why there seems to be more jokes about dogs out there than any other animal. We know how silly and wonderful they can be. And they know the same about us!
A man wanted to buy a dog, so he visited someone with one for sale. It looked like a fine dog, but he wanted to make sure.
“Is it housebroken?” he asked.
“Sure is,” replied the owner.
“Can it fetch?” he asked.
“Every time,” the owner said.
“And is it faithful?” the man asked.
“Absolutely!” the owner replied. “I sold him three times this week! He always comes back to me!”
A police dog was looking for more interesting work, so it went along to see the human resources guy at the FBI.
“Well,” said the HR guy, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least sixty words per minute.” Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog typed out eighty words per minute.
“Also,” said the HR guy, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.”
The dog passed the physical and completed the obstacle course in record time.
“There’s one last requirement,” the HR guy continued. “Because a lot of our work means going undercover it helps to be bilingual.”
The dog sat up straight, looked the HR guy straight in the eye, and said, “Meow!”
Two guys were out hunting with their new gundog, but they weren’t getting any ducks.
One guy turned to the other and said, “What do you think the problem is?”
“I dunno,” his friend said. “You think maybe we ain’t throwing the dog up high enough?”
A jogger stopped for a rest. Sitting down on a park bench next to an old man, he noticed a dog curled up under the bench.
“Does your dog bite?” he asked.
“Nope!” the old man said. So the jogger reached under the bench to pat the dog—and it nearly bit his finger off!
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite?” he yelled at the old man.
“He doesn’t,” the old man replied. “But that there ain’t my dog.”
One day an old dog wandered into Jake’s yard. The dog was wearing a collar and looked well fed, but Jake let it stay anyway and put down some food. The dog wandered over and looked at the food; then it walked over to a sunny corner, curled up, and went to sleep.
A couple of hours later the old dog woke up and wandered out of the yard.
This went on, day after day, for a week. Then as it left one day, Jake tucked a note under its collar. The note said, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a couple of hours.”
The next day there was a note from the owner tucked under the dog’s collar. Jake opened it and read, “He lives in a house with four little children. He’s probably catching up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
8:00 a.m.—Wow, dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 a.m.—Wow, a car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 a.m.—Wow, a walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 a.m.—Wow, I got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 p.m.—Wow, bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 p.m.—Wow, I played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 p.m.—Wow, I got to wag my tail for a solid hour! My favorite thing!
5:00 p.m.—Wow, dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 p.m.—Wow, I got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 p.m.—Wow, I watched TV with my humans! My favorite thing!
11:00 p.m.—Wow, I’m sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Joe and Joanne were desperate for a good night’s sleep, but at about two o’clock in the morning the dog in a neighbor’s yard started barking.
Joanne stuffed her head under the pillow and said, “I wish you would do something about those inconsiderate neighbors, Joe!”
Joe sighed. “I did talk to them. But one of them has an allergy to dogs, so they have to leave it out in the yard all night.”
“Yeah, so they say,” said Joanne as she jumped out of the bed. “But I don’t think they care if their dog keeps their neighbors awake. I’ll show them!”
Joe heard the door slam and wondered what his wife was up to. Five minutes later she was back in bed.
“That’ll show them,” she said.
“Show them what?” Joe asked. “I can still hear the dog barking.”
“Yeah,” laughed Joanne, “but I tied it up in our yard. Let’s see how they like it!”
A man took a dog into a diner. The manager wasn’t impressed. “You can’t bring that dog in here,” he said.
“Ahhh,” said the man. “But this is no regular dog; he can talk.”
“Listen, pal,” said the manager. “If that dog can talk, I’ll give you and your dog a free meal.”
This was just what the man had hoped for, so he put the dog on a seat and asked him, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog said, “Roof!”
“Right. And what’s on the outside of a tree?”
The dog said, “Bark!”
“And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
The dog said, “Ruth!”
The smug man turned to the diner manager with his hand out for his free food. But the annoyed manager threw him and the dog out onto the street!
Sitting there, the dog turned to the man and said, “Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?”
1. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joyride.
2. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
3. When it is in your best interest, practice obedience.
4. Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
5. Take plenty of naps and always stretch before rising.
6. Run, romp, and play every day.
7. Be loyal.
8. Never pretend to be something you are not.
9. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
10. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
11. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
12. No matter how often you are scolded, don’t buy into the pouting thing. And always be prepared to forgive at a second’s notice.
When visitors arrive, quickly find out which ones are afraid of dogs. Then charge across the room at them, barking loudly, and jump up onto them. They are bound to catch you—and then fall onto the floor for more fun. This is just a maneuver to bring their faces within licking range!
When it comes to barking—that’s what dogs should do. So do lots of it! Your owners will be reassured that you are a good guard dog and they will feel safe— especially in those middle-of-the-night hours! There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hear your protective bark, bark, bark….
Licking: Humans prefer clean tongues so always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human!
Rather than digging one big hole in the middle of the yard, which would just be dangerous, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard. That way there’s less chance of your humans falling into one. It’s simple consideration.
It’s the law that the area directly in front of any door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep in.
The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family member with the best nose, to accommodate them.
A dog puts itself to good use when guests come for dinner by always sitting under the table. This way the dog can clean up any food that falls on the floor. And it’s also a good time to practice some sniffing.
Humans often talk about housebreaking, so it must be important to them. A good dog assists by breaking as much of the house as possible.
Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. They like you to keep it warm for them.
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.
When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
All mutts aspiring to be “good doggies” must promise…
• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell him.
• I will not chew crayons or pens. Especially not the red ones that make people think I am dying.
• I will not roll on dead stuff.
• I will not wake Mom up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.
• I will not jump through the open car window and hightail it into the fast-food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
• I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
• I will not bark each time I hear a doorbell on TV.
• I will remember that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will try to believe my humans when they tell me the garbageman is NOT stealing our stuff.
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What breed of dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoo-dle.
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound.
Q: What is the smaller dog’s favorite city?
A: New Yorkie.
Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to its foot?
A: Because it’d been brought up to believe it shouldn’t talk back to its paw.
Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate his faithful hound?
A: Well, doggone.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases fast cars—and catches them.
Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog.
Q: What is a dog’s favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate.
Q: Why is it called a “litter” of puppies?
A: Because, in no time at all, they mess up the whole house.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a sheep?
A: A sheep that can round itself up.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road.
Frank was at his wits’ end. He’d been out for a long walk in the woods with his favorite dog and, somewhere along the way, it got lost. When he got home the dog wasn’t there either!
He told Buddy about his problem. Buddy walked straight to the woods. He put his ear to a tree then walked to another tree and put his ear to it. Ten trees later he had found Frank’s dog.
Frank was amazed. “How did you do that?”
“It’s easy, man,” Buddy said. “You just put your ear to the tree—and listen for the bark!”
Fred was walking through the park when he saw a man playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That must be the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the man replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Bobby went to the cinema the other day. He was surprised to see an old man and a dog in the front row. But he soon got distracted by the film. It was a sad-funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried its eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head of. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, Bobby decided to go and speak to the man.
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” he said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”
The man turned to him and said, “Yeah. Yeah, it really is amazing! He hated the book!”
A butcher was just about to close up shop for the day when a dog strolled in. The butcher stepped out from behind the counter to shoo it away, and then he noticed it was carrying a basket.
There was a note and ten dollars in the basket.
He picked up the note and read, “Three pounds of ground beef, please.”
Well, the butcher was surprised, but he saw an opportunity. So, he scooped up some of the old beef that had been around for a couple of days. The dog saw what he was doing and growled!
“Okay, okay,” the butcher protested. “The good stuff it is!” And he brought some fresh meat out from the refrigerated section.
He put the beef on the scales and saw it was only about two and a half pounds.
Figuring no one would know, he went to wrap it up. But the dog growled at him until he put the rest of the beef in.
The dog reached into the basket and gave the butcher the ten dollar bill. The butcher dropped change for a five into the basket, and the dog nipped his ankle. So he dropped another five in.
Deciding he needed to know more about this animal, the butcher closed the shop and followed it. The dog crossed every road safely, entered an apartment building, pressed the elevator button with its nose, and got of at the next floor.
The butcher followed as the dog approached an apartment door and knocked on it with a paw.
When the dog’s owner opened the door, the butcher just couldn’t contain himself. “That’s an amazingly clever dog you have there!” he said.
“Oh, you think so, do you?” the dog’s owner said. “Well, let me tell you, he ain’t so smart. That’s the third time this week he’s forgot his key!”
• Three a.m. is not the best time of day to practice barking.
• Grandma is not an intruder. You don’t need to back her into a corner and guard her.
• My bed is not a big towel to dry yourself on after a walk in the rain.
• The cat has every right to be in the living room.
• Barking at guests twenty minutes after they arrive is just plain stupid.
• Every time I get up from the couch is not walk time.
• Just because I’m eating doesn’t mean you can.
• If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT, NOT, NOT! Oh, okay, just this once.
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
A guy saw a sign advertising a talking dog for sale.
He decided he had to find out more, so he rang the doorbell. The owner seemed really glad to see him and told him the dog was in the backyard.
The dog was just sitting there. Feeling a bit foolish, the guy said, “Can you talk?”
“Yep,” the dog replied.
“So, what’s your story?”
The dog looked up and said, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The traveling really tired me out, though, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy was amazed and asked the owner how much he wanted for the dog. The owner shrugged and said, “Ten dollars.”
The guy said, “Why on earth are you selling such a fantastic animal so cheap?”
The owner replied, “He ain’t so wonderful. He just made all that stuff up!”
Q: Why are dogs like phones?
A: Because they have collar IDs.
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because it’s too hard to run in squares.
Danny liked to go duck hunting with the guys. But they were all better shots than him and had all the latest equipment. Nothing Danny did ever seemed to impress them.
He decided that if he got a really good hunting dog they couldn’t help but be impressed. So he searched everywhere and eventually discovered a dog that was bound to impress them. It could walk on water.
The next time they were out by the lake, a duck flew by and Danny snapped off a quick shot. Amazingly, he hit it! The dog ran out onto the lake and retrieved the duck. Only the soles of its paws got wet. But no one commented!
On the way back home Danny decided he just had to say something.
“Hey, guys,” he said, trying to sound casual, “did anyone notice anything different about my new dog?”
“Sure did!” said one of the guys. “He can’t swim, can he?”
A salesman stopped by a country store in the middle of nowhere. As he stepped onto the porch he saw a sign on the door. It read, DANGER! BEWARE OF THE DOG!
He almost turned around and went to another store—but there weren’t any for miles around, so he tiptoed up to the window and peeked in.
There was a big old hound dog sprawled across the floor. As the salesman cautiously opened the door, the hound dog opened one eye, looked at him, and went back to sleep.
“Is that it?” he asked the store owner. “Is that the dog we should beware of?”
“Sure is,” said the store owner.
“Well…why?” the salesman asked in frustration. “He doesn’t look so dangerous.”
“Ohh,” said the store owner, “you have no idea how many people fell over him before I put that sign up!”
A man walked into a pet store while his wife kept their son distracted outside.
“Hi,” he said, “I’d like a puppy for my son.”
The store owner looked out the window then said, “Well, he looks like a fine boy—but we don’t do exchanges!”
Two dogs were walking along the road. One dog stopped and said, “My name is Fido. What’s yours?”
The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied, “Well, according to my humans it must be Down Boy!”
Q: What do you call a big, hairy dog with strep throat?
A: A Germy shepherd.
I will NOT run after that stick unless I see it actually leave his hand!
A timid little man walked into the roughest bar in the roughest part of town. “Excuse me, gentlemen,” he said, his voice quivering with fear. “Which of you owns the Doberman tied to the NO DOGS ALLOWED sign?”
A giant of a man wearing biker gear took a swig of his beer and turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, “That’s my dog. Why you askin’?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it…sir.”
“You got to be kidding me!” roared the big man in disbelief. “What kind of dog do you have?”
“Well, sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little Chihuahua.”
“No way!” roared the biker. “How could your Chihuahua kill my Doberman?”
“Well,” said the little man. “As far as I could see, he got stuck in the Doberman’s throat and choked it to death.”
A mom was driving her kids home from day care when a fire truck went zooming past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.
The children started discussing what role the dog might play in a fire situation.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” Then big sister joined in. “No, you sillies, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrants!”
A dog was lying on the couch watching a DVD when it felt the need to go out. It didn’t want to miss any of the movie so it pressed the PAWS button.
Q: Why is a tree like a big dog?
A: They both have a lot of bark.
A man took his dog to the vet for an examination.
The vet picked the dog up, looked, and said, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to put him down.”
“You’ve hardly examined him!” the horrified man yelled. “And now you want to kill him?”
“What gave you that idea?” gasped the vet.
“You just said you would have to put him down!”
“No, no,” said the vet, “I simply meant he was too heavy for me!”
A city guy decided he wanted to learn how to hunt. The first thing he decided to get was a really good hunting dog, so he visited a farmer who had been advertising hunting dogs in the newspaper.
The farmer showed him several dogs, but none of them really appealed to the guy. Then, in a corner of the barn he spotted one hound the farmer hadn’t shown him.
“What about that one over there?” the guy asked.
“Sorry. No chance,” the farmer replied. “That one’s my special dog.”
“What’s so special about him?” the guy asked.
So the farmer took the guy and the dog to a field to demonstrate. He lifted up one of the dog’s ears and said, “Go find the birds!”
The dog ran to a nearby bush, pointed, and barked once.
“That means there’s one bird in that bush,” said the farmer.
“No way!” gasped the guy.
So the farmer took a stick and poked the bush until a pheasant flew out.
Seeing the guy’s expression of disbelief, the farmer lifted the dog’s ear again and said, “Go find the birds!”
This time the dog streaked off to another bush, pointed, and barked twice.
“That means there’s two birds in there,” said the farmer. He took his stick and poked at the bush. Two pheasants burst out and flew away.
The guy was mightily impressed and told the farmer he just had to have that dog. Price was no object. The farmer suggested an outrageous price, and the guy paid it willingly.
A month later, the farmer was making a trip to the city, so he decided to visit the guy who bought his special dog. When he asked the guy about the dog, the man replied, “A couple of buddies and I went hunting, and when we got to a field the oddest thing happened. I went and did what you did. I lifted one of his ears and said ‘Go find the birds!’
“The dog took off like a rocket and ran into the field, barking and running around like crazy. Then he came back with a big stick in his mouth. He reached me, stood up on his hind legs, and started trying to whack me with the stick! I thought he’d gone crazy, like maybe had rabies or something. So I shot him!”
“You idiot!” yelled the farmer. “He was just telling you there were more birds out there than you could shake a stick at!”
The Border collie says—Just one. Me! And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. The Rottweiler says—Make me! The Labrador says—Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the lightbulb! Can I?
Huh? Huh? The dachshund says—You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! The malamute says—Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy. The Jack Russell terrier says—I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls. The greyhound says—Is it moving? No? Who cares? The cocker spaniel says— Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. The mastiff says—Change it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark! The Doberman says—While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch. The boxer says— Who needs a light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. The pointer says—I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! The Australian shepherd says— First, I’ll put all the lightbulbs in a little circle….The Old English sheepdog says—Lightbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb? The basset hound says— Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…The Westie says—Don’t tell me what to do! Dogs do not change lightbulbs. People change lightbulbs. The golden retriever says—The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a lightbulb?
The poodle says—I’ll just flutter my lashes at the Border collie, and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
A sheepdog and a Dalmatian were sitting in an Internet café, and the Dalmatian said, “Hey, check out my website!”
The sheepdog asked for the address, and the Dalmatian replied, “Www-dot-dalmatian-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.”
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. He watched a while as the dog drew cards, folded, and called the occasional bluff.
“That is one very smart dog,” he commented.
“Aw, he’s not that smart,” said one of the irked players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
“Dad!” yelled a little boy. “I just spotted a Dalmatian!” “You didn’t need to do that,” his dad said. “He probably already had his own.”
Charlie bought a dog the other day. He called him Stay just so he could see the dog’s expression when he said, “Come here, Stay!”
The town band announced it was letting animals join. The beagle wanted to play the bugle, but they didn’t have one, so it settled for the trom-bone!
Two women were bragging about how each of their dogs was the cutest. Eventually they had to agree that the dogs were each as cute as the other. So they started bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first woman said, “My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around, and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.”
The second woman yawned. “I know that,” she said.
“How do you know?” the first woman asked.
The second woman smiled. “My dog told me!”
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say after he’d eaten?
A: Oh man! That really hit the spots.
Q: What do you call a boring dog?
A: A dull-matian.
Q: What do you say to a dog before it eats?
A: Bone appetite.
Q: What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?
A: A Lab.
Q: What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A: The man wears a complete suit, the dog…just pants.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, sheets, silverware, or pictures of the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a lion?
A: A terrified mailman.
A man bought a dachshund for his six children so they would have a pet they could all stroke at once.
A dog with a bandage wrapped around one foot burst into a Wild West saloon. The room went silent, all the cowboys turned toward the dog, and it said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
Jimmy bought a dog going cheap at the pet shop. Of course, the fact that it did bird impressions made it more expensive.
Because he lived in a high-crime area, Harry bought a dog. The shopkeeper assured him this dog would react instantly to intruders. It did. Every time it heard a noise, it instantly hid under the bed!
A man said to his friend, “Our dog is just like one of the family.”
“No kidding.” said the friend. “Which one?”
A boy was showing of his new pet. “Hey!” he said to his friend. “Would you like to pet my new dog?”
“Well, I’m not sure,” his friend said. “He looks fierce. Do you think he’ll bite?”
“I don’t know,” said the boy. “That’s what I’m trying to find out!”
A man had lost his dog and was really upset about it.
“Why don’t you put a notice in the newspaper?” his friend asked.
“Why would I do that?” the man asked, amazed. “My dog doesn’t read newspapers!”