There’s no place on the globe that mankind cannot go with enough expensive equipment. But when he gets there he usually finds nature has beaten him to it. Animals live on the highest mountains and in the coldest polar regions with nothing to protect them but their own fur coats—oh, and some serious claws and teeth.
So what must they think when they see a hiker or explorer coming along in several layers of brightly colored, protective clothing with all the latest expedition equipment? How about, “My! Dinner sure looks fancy tonight!”
The mountain creatures were arguing about which of them was the most awesome.
The hawk claimed that because of its ability to soar high above everyone else and its ability to swoop down on its prey it ought to be him. The others grudgingly admitted the hawk was pretty impressive.
But the mountain lion insisted it was the most powerful creature in the mountains. It could climb, stalk, and pounce. Its jaws and claws were well nigh inescapable. The others thought the mountain lion had a good case.
Then the little skunk argued that it ought to be considered. After all, even though it didn’t have big claws or fierce talons every animal in the mountains was scared of getting sprayed by the skunk.
But while they had all been so busy talking about themselves, none of them had noticed the bear listening from behind a tree. Deciding to settle the argument once and for all, the bear leapt out and ate them. It swallowed them hawk, lion, and stinker!
Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda-d to its every whim.
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.
Two men went bear hunting. They spent the night in a cabin in the woods. One guy got up and set out bright and early while his companion snoozed. He soon found a huge bear. He took aim and shot at it—but he missed! The enraged bear charged toward him, so he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling onto the cabin floor.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.
Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: He wanted to make more, but when He tried again He made a Boo-Boo.
A daddy bear and a baby bear were walking across the Arctic Circle when the baby polar bear said, “Dad, am I part panda bear?”
“No,” replied his dad.
“Well then, am I part grizzly bear?” Again his dad said no.
A short time later the baby bear asked, “Dad, am I part koala bear?”
The father said, “Look, son, I’m a polar bear, your mom’s a polar bear. Why do you think you are part anything else?”
“Because,” the baby bear said, “I’m completely freezing!”
A polar bear walked into a fast-food restaurant. Standing at the counter, it said, “I’ll have a cheeseburger ……… and fries.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the guy behind the counter.
The polar bear looked down at its hands and said, “What do you mean? I’ve always had them.”
Q: Why did the grizzly bear get a cold?
A: Because it went out in its bear feet.
Q: What is a penguin’s favorite relative?
A: Its Aunt Arctic.
Q: What’s black and white, black and white, black and white… ?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill.
Q: What’s black and white and rolling around laughing?
A: The penguin that pushed it.
A man wanted to buy a pet but was shocked at the cost, especially the cost of pet food. Eventually the exasperated pet shop owner suggested he get a polar bear as a pet.
“Why?” asked the man.
“Because,” said the pet shop owner, “everyone knows they live on ice!”
Q: What holiday do wolves celebrate in the fall?
A: Howl-oween.
Q: Everyone thinks the owl is wise, but most of the woodland animals go to the grizzly bear for answers. Why?
A: Because it has the bear facts.
A man walked into a diner with a little blue bow tie– wearing bear. When the waitress asked if they wanted anything to drink, the man said, “I’ll have an orange juice, and he’ll have a Mattabooboo.”
Confused but curious, the waitress looked at the little bear and said, “What’s a Mattabooboo?”
The little bear looked up in surprise and said, “Nuttin’, Yogi!”
A polar bear decided it wanted one of those cozy, dome-shaped homes the Inuit have. But it couldn’t figure out how they managed to make sure all those blocks of snow didn’t fall into a heap.
Another bear came along and said, “I’ll tell you how they do it if you’ll let me share the shelter.”
“Hmmm. All right then,” said the first bear. “How do they do it?”
“It’s obvious,” said the second bear. “They stick them together with i-gloo!”
Q: Which animal are you most like when you get out of the bath?
A: A little bear.
A hunter was in the middle of the forest, many miles from anywhere, when he suddenly walked into a surprised grizzly bear. When they recovered their wits, the hunter dropped his rifle, turned, and ran while the grizzly chased after him, getting faster and faster.
The hunter burst out of the woods only to find himself at the edge of a cliff. The grizzly pushed two trees aside and advanced, growling and baring its teeth.
“God,” the hunter prayed, “help me, please!”
Just then the grizzly stopped. The hunter realized that even the birds in the air and the wind in the trees had stopped. God’s face appeared in the clouds and said, “Hi!”
The stunned hunter managed to gulp out a feeble “Hi” in response.
“So, let Me see if I’ve got this right,” God said. “You’ve never believed in Me. In fact, you have mocked people who do believe in Me. But now, in your time of greatest need, you expect Me to think you’ve got religion. Is that about right?”
Now, the hunter was foolish, but he wasn’t hypocritical. He realized he couldn’t deny God all his life and then ask God to do something for him. He said as much to the Almighty.
“Maybe there’s another way,” the hunter said. “I can’t in good conscience ask You to do something for me. But You could do something for the bear!”
“Hmmm?” said God.
“Yeah! You could give it religion—that’d be doing it a big favor,” said the hunter. And that might keep it from eating me, he thought to himself.
“Done!” said God. He disappeared in a flash, and the bear began to look stunned.
The hunter was sure he would be safe now. The bear walked toward him and raised its arms as if to say, “Hallelujah!” Then it brought them together in prayer and said, “For the food I’m about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful!”
Once upon a time there were three bears that lived in a cottage in the woods. Coming back from a walk, Papa Bear noticed something unusual.
“Who’s been sleeping in my bed and left the covers all messed up?” he roared.
The baby bear ran into his own room. “Who’s been sleeping in my bed and left the covers all messed up?” he squeaked.
Mother Bear walked in and said, “Will you two calm down? I just haven’t had a chance to make them yet!”
Q: How did the moose keep its antlers from being stolen?
A: It locked horns with another moose.
Q: What do you call a vaccination given to a boy deer?
A: Buck shot.
Q: What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.