Cats! What can you say about them that they wouldn’t correct if they could talk? They are often as cute as can be, lovely to come home to—and they also keep down the mice. But you do get the feeling that they are only ever visiting, that they are doing you a favor by looking after you.
So until we find out what their master plan really is, let us love them, stroke them, and enjoy an occasional joke at their expense. But never let them know you are laughing at them…their revenge will be swift and overwhelming!
Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.
A man had no idea a cat could be such an annoyance when his wife brought the cute little kitty home. But after months of it scratching his stuff and sinking its claws into his ankles, he’d had enough. It was time for the cat to go!
So he put it in the car, drove a few blocks away, found a park, and left the cat there. When he got back home he was amazed to find the cat sitting on his chair purring happily.
The next day, he put the cat back in the car and drove out of town. He threw the cat into a field and sped back home. But when he walked back into the house the cat was already on his chair purring.
More determined than ever, the next day he put the cat in the car and drove…and drove…and drove!
Deep in the mountains, he shoved the cat out into the snow and turned the car around.
Two hours later he phoned home, and his wife answered.
“Hey, honey,” he said, “is the cat there?”
Confused by the question, his wife said. “Sure she is. She’s sitting on your chair.”
“Well,” said the man in a strangled voice, “can you put her on the line? I’m lost and I need directions home!”
Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A: A duck-filled fatty-puss.
Isaac Newton discovered many of the Laws of Termodynamics. But Isaac Caton discovered the Laws of Catodynamics, which are—
1. The Law of Inertia, which states that a cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force—such as the opening of a can of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2. The Law of Motion, which states that a cat will move in a straight line—if there’s a dog on its tail. In which case, that straight line will go straight over any walls, cars, and humans that may get in its way.
3. The Law of Magnetism, which states that dark clothes will attract cat hairs in direct proportion to how much the wearer dislikes cats.
Q: What is a cat’s favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse.
Dear Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a muddy paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not make it your food or your dish. And I won’t smile and say, “Aw, how cute!”
The stairway is not a racetrack or an amusement park ride. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me is not some sweet way of helping me to win!
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Just because there are lots of you and only one of me does not mean I will keep on sleeping on the couch. Nor do I like the idea of sleeping in your empty baskets. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Stretching your tails out and letting your front paws loll over the comforter does not entitle you to extra space!
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, or try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge of the door to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. There is nothing going on in there that you need to know about or that I need your help with!
And finally—and I cannot stress this enough—the proper order is kiss me, and then go and sniff the other dog or cat. Not the other way around!
Thank you! Meow!
Q: What is a cat’s favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews.
Q: Black cats are said to be unlucky, but what’s the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A: A cat-a-log.
Tiddles the cat had heard about an earthquake in South America. The Red Cross was calling for donations to buy equipment, so Tiddles went along and told them he knew CPR and artificial respiration.
“Why are you telling me this?” the confused aid worker asked.
“Because!” said Tiddles. “Your advertisement said you needed more first-aid kits!”
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss.
Q: How do you know that cats aren’t easily upset?
A: They never cry over spilled milk.
Q: How do you spell “mousetrap” in just three letters?
A: C-A-T.
Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: It had mittens.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, pet me, take good care of me, and provide me with a nice warm, dry house… They’re sooo wonderful!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, pet me, take good care of me, and provide me with a nice warm, dry house… I must be sooo wonderful!
Q: Where did the kittens go on their school field trip?
A: To the mew-seum.
Q: What do you call it when a cat stops for a second?
A: A paws.
A neighbor looked over the garden fence and saw little Billy filling in a hole in the lawn.
“Hey there, Billy!” he called over. “What you doing there?”
“Burying my goldfish,” Billy sobbed.
The neighbor kept quiet for a moment out of respect, but his curiosity got the better of him.
“That’s an awful big hole for a little goldfish,” he observed.
“Yeah,” said Billy, patting the last of the dirt into place. “That’s because he’s inside your big greedy cat!”
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when, suddenly, a cat jumped out onto the path in front of them.
The mother mouse could have escaped, but the cat would certainly have caught the baby, so she stood her ground and started barking like a dog. The cat got the fright of its life and ran away.
“What did I tell you?” the mother mouse said to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
Q: What swings from a trapeze and doesn’t need a safety net because it always lands on its feet?
A: An acro-cat.
Q: Which animal makes the best pet?
A: Cats, because they are purrrrrrr-fect.
Q: What’s a cat’s favorite color?
A: Purr-ple.
• Aquariums are just interactive television for cats.
• Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
• Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a toy and it will play with the wrapper for ten minutes before ignoring the toy and the wrapper forever.
• No matter what they’ve done wrong, cats always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Cats bite the hand that won’t feed them fast enough.
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You couldn’t get any number of cats to pull you on a sled through the snow.
• Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them ten minutes earlier.
• Cats know what their owners feel. They don’t care, but they know.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are better than that!
• If your partner or children are allergic to cats—get a new family!
• In a cat’s thinking, all things belong to cats.
• People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
• Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. And they have many other fine qualities!
• There are many intelligent species in the universe. All owned by cats.
One day a pet-owning couple found the following note on their porch—
THE CAT NEEDS A BATH
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Find the cat and soothe it while you carry it toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that the cat cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge of the toilet seat, as the cat’s claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse cycle, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself.
It was signed— THE DOG
A cat in England and a cat in France heard that they had the same name only, in their different languages, the English cat was called One Two Three while the French cat was called Un Deux Trois.
A rivalry rose up between them about who was the best, so they arranged to race each other across the English Channel. They both got of to good starts and eventually the One Two Three cat made it to the other side. But the Un Deux Trois cat sank!
(Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre, Cinq….)
A guy walked into a laundry and, to his amazement, he discovered it was run by cats. “Excuse me,” he said to the cat in charge, “can you get milk stains out of this jacket?”
“Sure,” replied the cat. “We’ll have that stain licked in a minute!”
Q: What do cats read in the morning?
A: Mews-papers.
Q: What do you call a cat two seconds after the alarm clock goes of?
A: Catsup.
Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octo-puss.
Q: What do you call the cat that loses a hissing, scratching cat fight?
A: Claude.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: What do cats put in their drinks on hot days?
A: Mice cubes.
A famous art collector was walking through the city when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. That’s when he did a double take. The saucer, even though it didn’t look like much, was a very valuable Chinese antique. So he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for ten dollars.
The store owner replied, “I’m sorry but that there is an expensive cat.”
The collector said, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you fifty dollars for that cat.”
And the owner said, “Sold,” and handed the cat over.
Almost as an afterthought the collector said, “Hey, for that fifty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it, and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
And the owner said, “Sorry, buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats!”
“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” asked a customer in a pet shop.
“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go meow.”
A driver accidentally ran over a cat one day. Distraught, he checked the tag for a phone number. Then he called the owner and explained what had happened. After apologizing about a hundred times, he said, “Please let me replace the cat for you!”
The owner said, “Well, I appreciate the offer, but are you really any good at catching mice?”
“My cat’s so smart,” said Eddie to his friend, “he can even do math! Why, just yesterday I asked him, ‘What’s six plus six minus twelve?’ And he said nothing!”