Title sequence.
Hal March enters triumphantly into the studio
with his brilliantined hair:
“GOOD EVENING, AMERICA! AND GOOD LUCK!
LET’S WELCOME FIRST OF ALL
OUR BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT
MRS. RUTH LEHMAN!”
Both Ruths
first and second wives
come into the studio.
“IN THIS OUR THIRTY-SECOND WEEKLY INSTALLMENT
THREE CONTESTANTS WILL BE COMPETING.
IN THE FIRST CABIN: SENATOR HERBERT LEHMAN.
LET’S GIVE HIM A WARM WELCOME!”
Cheers in the background.
“IN THE SECOND CABIN PLAYING JOINTLY
MR. HAROLD AND MR. ALLAN LEHMAN,
ARMY CHIEFS OF STAFF
AT THE NUCLEAR MISSILE DEPARTMENT!”
Applause in the background.
“AND FINALLY, COMPETING IN THE THIRD CABIN
MR. YONAH LEHMAN
ART CRITIC AND HORSE RACING EXPERT!”
Lukewarm response from the audience,
but that doesn’t matter, we’re used to that.
“AS ALWAYS, VIEWERS,
OUR CONTESTANTS WILL COMPETE
IN A KNOCKOUT ROUND
AND THE WINNER WILL GO FORWARD TO THE FINAL
WHERE HE’LL PLAY FOR THE JACKPOT!
SO LET’S GO, AMERICA!
I ASK THE CONTESTANTS TO PUT ON THEIR HEADPHONES
AND GO INTO THEIR CABINS.
THE QUESTIONS THIS WEEK
WILL ALL BE ON THE LEHMAN FAMILY.
SO LET THE GAME BEGIN!”
Music introducing the first round.
“FIRST QUESTION FOR OUR FRIEND HERBERT.
LEHMAN BROTHERS WAS FOUNDED
BY THE LEGENDARY HENRY LEHMAN
MORE OR LESS THAN A CENTURY AGO?
START THE CLOCK!”
1 2 3 |
Herbert approaches the microphone: “THE CORRECT ANSWER IS LESS!” |
Gong.
“AND IT’S WRONG! THAT REALLY IS A BAD START!”
Enter the two female assistants, enthusiastically:
“THE CONTESTANT DID NOT SAY LESS, BUT AT LEAST.
WE DISTINCTLY HEARD HIM.”
Hal March talks with the judge, then:
“WELL DONE! CORRECT ANSWER!
THE SENATOR STAYS IN THE CONTEST!”
Trumpet fanfare.
Herbert is delighted. The two Ruths too.
Hal March clears his throat, then continues:
“SECOND QUESTION FOR HAROLD AND ALLAN:
EVER SINCE THE THREE LEHMAN BROTHERS
SET FOOT IN THE UNITED STATES
THE TOTAL NUMBER OF CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN,
MALE AND FEMALE, UP TO NOW
IS MORE OR LESS THAN 70?
START THE CLOCK!”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 |
Harold and Allan consult each other, then Allan writes something down which Harold crosses out: the two argue, then reach agreement and Harold speaks into the microphone: “THE TOTAL NUMBER IS 92.” |
Gong.
“WRONG ANSWER!
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS 97 DESCENDANTS!”
Harold and Allan stand up:
“IN THAT CASE, GOOD-BYE.
ENJOY YOUR DISASTER, GENTLEMEN.
WE’RE LEAVING THE TRANSMISSION: WE’RE QUITTING.”
And they leave the cabin, slamming the door.
Every lock of Hal March’s brilliantined hair quivers:
“THIS IS NOT THE AMERICAN SPIRIT!
THIS IS NO EXAMPLE TO SET ON TELEVISION!
BUT LET US NOW MOVE TO YONAH LEHMAN.
HERE IS THE QUESTION:
EVER SINCE THE LEHMANS ARRIVED ON AMERICAN SOIL,
WHICH MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
DIED AT THE OLDEST AGE?
START THE CLOCK!”
1 2 3 4 5 |
Yonah is in no doubt, apart from his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth: “IT WAS PHILIP LEHMAN, AT THE AGE OF 86.”
|
Trumpet fanfare.
“CORRECT ANSWER! AND YOU TOO ARE IN THE FINAL!”
The two female assistants interrupt brusquely:
“THE POINT SHOULD BE AWARDED TO SENATOR LEHMAN,
SINCE IT IS HE WHO PROMPTED THE ANSWER.”
Hal March’s face darkens:
“YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD US, YONAH!
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT OF APPEAL!
THE RULES DO NOT ALLOW PROMPTING.
THE JUDGE TELLS ME
I HAVE TO ASK YOU A RESERVE QUESTION.
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS ALONE,
THE CAPITAL OF THE LEHMAN BANK
HAS REACHED MORE OR LESS THAN
TWENTY TIMES ITS INITIAL VALUE?
START THE CLOCK!”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 |
Yonah hesitates a moment begins to sweat bites a nail his hand trembles he bites a lip pulls out a handkerchief stains it red: “LET ME SEE: I DON’T DEAL IN FINANCE. SO I WOULD SAY . . . THE CAPITAL HAS MULTIPLIED, YES, 84 TIMES.”
|
Trumpet fanfare.
“CORRECT ANSWER!”
The assistants protest:
“THE POINT MUST BE AWARDED TO THE SENATOR,
SINCE YONAH IS AN ENEMY WITHIN,
HE’S DOING BUSINESS WITH THE ENEMY
AND THEY’VE EVEN SUSPENDED HIS PASSPORT.”
Murmurs around the studio.
For Hal March this is a difficult week.
Now the senator joins in:
he has opened the door of his cabin
he wants to speak
but we are not in Congress here!
“PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR PLACE!
IF YONAH HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED
THEN YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE FINAL! . . .”
“I WISH TO MAKE MY PEACE, MR. HAL MARCH:
I OFFER MY PLACE TO MY COUSIN,
I’M RETIRING, I WON’T GO ON TO THE FINAL.”
After which he removes his headphones and leaves the studio.
Gong. Then a trumpet fanfare, then another gong.
The assistants walk off in tears:
their lives no longer have any meaning.
The studio audience
hold up hundreds of posters: “THANK YOU, SENATOR LEHMAN.”
Hal March joins the applause.
But the show has to be finished.
Half of America is tuned in.
The atmosphere is electric:
his brilliantine has even lost its shine.
“MR. YONAH LEHMAN, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING
THE FINAL AWAITS YOU.
EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR HANDS:
ANSWER CORRECTLY
AND YOU WILL SAVE AMERICA.
AS ALWAYS, THE LAST QUESTION
IS THE MOST DIFFICULT ONE.
LEHMAN BROTHERS HAS EXISTED FOR OVER 100 YEARS,
AND IS DESCRIBED AS IMMORTAL,
BUT MY QUESTION IS:
A CENTURY FROM NOW, WILL IT STILL EXIST
OR WILL IT HAVE GONE BANKRUPT LIKE SO MANY OTHERS?
START THE CLOCK: YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS TO ANSWER.”
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 |
This is the ultimate test. There again, as we know, a hero doesn’t go into history for nothing. Yonah examines the question coolly or at least tries to: if he replies that the family bank will reach its second century alive and well it will certainly be said “he’s someone who believes it.” On the other hand if he says “No, I wouldn’t bet on it.” how could he show his face in the bank tomorrow? A fine predicament, damn it, a fine predicament. And so? His tongue has stuck to the roof of his mouth, as if glued. Drops of sweat line his forehead like chisel marks. There’s always the option of giving up and going: if the others have done so why can’t I? For the simple reason that we aren’t all the same, in the world: there are those who slam the door and everyone says “A great gesture!,” there are those who even get applause when they go out and leave people in tears. You, Bobbie, no you’re one of those who when they give up people suddenly start laughing and after the laughter, like at school, they put a sign around your neck with the word COWARD on it. And so? Do I say that Lehman Brothers will be immortal? It’s easily done, after all: I open my mouth and say it. The real point is another: do I really believe it? A century from now. Halfway into the next millennium . . . Sure, if I had asked my father or maybe my granddad Emanuel: they’d have had no doubts. So why am I taking all this time? A yes or a no is enough, I can even take a chance . . . And if I then get it wrong? Who will then open the fish’s jaws? I as Yonah have to get out so it is written I am but an instrument of divine will. And as such, what am I waiting for? Go on, then, answer: “IN A CENTURY THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT.” |
Gong.
The studio audience protests.
The two assistants return only to spit at the cabin.
Hal March has volcano lava instead of brilliantine:
“THE ANSWER APPEARS TO BE WRONG,
AS WELL AS OFFENSIVE, DEAR CONTESTANT.
YOU SHAME YOURSELF IN FRONT OF ALL AMERICA!”
And here.
It was at this moment
that suddenly
through a real sense of disgust
even the great white fish turned its stomach:
it moved inside as if to regurgitate,
and spat out
both Yonah
and the whole United States
several miles away.
And then we reemerged to see the stars.
And thus HaShem spoke to the fish
and the fish spat Yonah onto dry land.
Jonah 2:11