Raven stared at the envelope on her dresser. Two weeks ago, Elise had handed it to her. The words were on the tip of her tongue to ask the Ice Queen about Liam, but she was too embarrassed to say a single word.
Hesitancy took over, a desperate need to speak with him before opening the envelope. Liam’s voicemail was full from many variations of call me back. Even a trip to his dorm room gave no answers. The rooms were being readied for new students. She’d gone to his home, too. A few nights, she’d climbed his bedroom balcony and peeped inside—nothing. A walk through the meadow they shared, a hike to their special place, nothing. He was nowhere.
Then Raven searched for him at his graduation. He had to go to that, right? The uppity attendants wouldn’t let her into Brinton Stadium without a graduation ticket. With a frown plastered across her face, tapping her foot, she waited in the parking lot. A swarm came out of the front gate. Trying to sift through thousands of celebratory guests had been useless.
Every day it was becoming harder and harder to pass the letter on the dresser. The letter made the hairs on her arms stand to attention as she snatched it up. Working her index finger under the seal, she tore it open. Closing her eyes, Raven said a quick prayer–for Liam and for their child–and pulled out a piece of paper. Unfolding it, a smaller strip floated to the floor, settled next to her toe.
Dear Raven,
I will always love you, but what we were considering doing is wrong.
I have included a check which should be more than enough for you to terminate this sick problem.
With love,
Liam
Crumpling to her knees, she touched the check. Tears blurred her eyes, but she read a check made out for fifty thousand dollars with Jonathan Lemaître Junior’s signature. Lying on the wood floor, knees to her chest, she hugged herself and wept.
Death could take her right now. If only her heart would stop beating. Suicide–unfortunately–was an unforgivable sin. Sleep was her only escape.
Life was perfect. They were at the beach; it would be their last trip of tranquility before seeking out Charlene. The stars twinkled, sending splashes of glitter over the ocean. Tides pulled back and came almost to their feet, but dared not touch.
“Thanks, babe, you can stop singing like a wet cat,” Raven joked as Liam finished the Happy Birthday song.
“That’s how you’re gonna treat me?”
Grinning in answer, she broke a piece off the edge of the cupcake and popped it into her mouth. The spongy vanilla taste was moist, delicious.
“Hey, what’s with the chocolate icing?” Raven’s eyes narrowed in fake anger. If there was one thing she knew he remembered, it was that chocolate was his favorite. Tangy sweets were hers. She giggled, taking a piece off the top and putting it into his mouth. “Underneath all those muscles you’re still a lil’ fat ass.”
“Well, then I guess I’ll just eat it all by myself. We were supposed to share it, but…” Liam took the cupcake, opened his mouth wide, and then he stopped. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was something special on the inside that you’re going to miss…”
“Liam,” she stretched his name with a pout, holding out her hand. He placed the cupcake in the palm of it.
“Thanks, mud pie boy.”
“We’re going there again?” He started tickling her. She placed the cupcake on the quilt and fell back with him on top of her.
“Puh…leeeeez…”
“What’s my name?” He let his hands tickle against her rib cage.
“Mud…pi…puh leeeez stop, okay, okay.” When he let up on the tickles, Raven asked, “So what’s in the middle?”
“It’s a surprise.”
Picking up the cupcake, she turned it over and took a big bite from the bottom. Then her eyebrows raised, her head cocking to the side. Liam stared, waiting for the stamp of approval, but he wasn’t going to get one.
“Was that a gooey gummy bear?”
“Yes.” He frowned slightly.
“I’m sorry, but why did you do that?”
“It was a green gummy just like you always liked ’em.”
Her face cleared with understanding. As a child, she’d always eat the green gummies first. She’d trade the other colors with him for his green ones. Since it wasn’t chocolate, he readily gave in. “Okay, Liam, but that doesn’t make it right,” Raven cackled.
He sighed. “The chef told me it wouldn’t taste right when I told him to add them.”
“Yeah.” She patted him on the shoulder. “You’re not really a baking kind of guy–or cooking, but it was the thought that counted.” She set the cupcake back down and leaned over to kiss him.
They lay back on the blanket. Liam’s large hands kneaded Raven’s back. “Mhmmmm, this is the life, Liam. Let’s do this every day.”
“As you wish,” he said, voice becoming heavy. His hands roamed her waist, scorching every bit of her skin as they stopped at her bikini bottoms. Her body began to ache for him as he pulled at the strings.
Raven’s eyelids fluttered against her cheeks as he began to rub her lower back. Then his large hand and fingers expanded.
“This ass is forever tempting me,” Liam said, voice lazy, cupping one of her buttocks.
“Oh, I’m to blame?” Raven glanced back at him, firelight twinkling in her turquoise gaze. Liam pressed a thumb into her slit as he continued to rub her ass. The small of her back arched to allow him to deepen his penetration into a stream of wetness. And then her mind washed away the woes of their pending trip. A trip to speak with her mother, and forever change their lives…
Raven awoke from an unfamiliar noise. Coming to a sitting position on the floor, she looked around. The light in her bedroom had faded to a soft orange, and the sun began to go down. Her mind cleared as irritation grew. The noise, the bumping noise, was coming from the attic. The place she hadn’t been in years. Breathing out pent-up air, she got up from the floor.
Raven’s hands trailed the walls as she roamed into the hallway and pulled down the trapdoor. She scrambled up the narrow staircase and into the attic. It was just as she had left it. Boxes were neatly piled. Charlene’s were still in the same spot along with the lacquered cedar keepsake with a mermaid on the top. She’d forgotten to come back and open it. After Liam disappeared before high school, she hadn’t thought about the cedar box, not once. She’d only wanted her best friend back.
She grabbed it and descended the stairs, heading for her grandfather’s toolbox in the garage. Didn’t have to cherish this box like a silly little fourteen-year-old who imagined her mother would one day come and save her. Now she knew her mother.
Grabbing a flathead screwdriver, she hurried back up to her room, unsure if Annette would be coming home from the hospital soon. Plopping on her bed, she wedged it slowly, working the tool in between the brass clasp until it popped open.
With itchy palms, Raven opened it. Inside was a diary. The diary was stuffed with pictures of Charlene kissing Jonathan. Her nostrils flared. Guess I should’ve opened it years ago… With the tips of her thumbs, she outlined the pictures of them at fairs, at the park, at the meadow where her half-brother Liam had neglected to meet her. They were smiling and posing, in love. She read through the diary of the last days of Charlene’s life in Bellwood.
Dear Diary,
Today I found out Jonathan has been cheating on me with that girl! Elise came by to show me a huge engagement ring! I hope I’m not pregnant! I don’t want Jonathan, and I do NOT want his child!
I told Alvin I’m leaving. He thinks I should stay to confront Jonathan. He thinks that if I am pregnant, I should keep it. But I told him if I were pregnant, someone in Los Angeles will help me get rid of it.
Raven’s heart sank. That damn Damien Wright was wrong! Charlene didn’t want her. Flipping back a few pages to a letter dating a week before, Charlene talked about possibly being pregnant, hoping it was a girl. Had her life planned out, would move with Jonathan. She’d be an actress. He’d play football at USC. They’d take care of their baby!
Tormenting herself, she returned to the end of the diary and reread how her mother had changed. The “hopefully it’s a girl” turned into an it she wanted to kill.
Charlene no longer wanted a child… Raven thought about thanking Roy Timmons. If Charlene hadn’t been in a coma for the better part of her pregnancy, Raven wouldn’t exist. And she wished she hadn’t survived.
From all of her flipping back and forth, Raven noticed red streaks on the diary pages. Looking down at her palms, she found they were cut, raw. She had held her fist closed so tightly, her long nails had dug into flesh. As she glared at shreds of skin, she still didn’t feel pain. A fresh sense of hatred washed over her. Her mom never loved her, not even from the start.
She was nobody, had nobody. No Liam. Raven pulled, tugged, and ripped the pages into pieces. Tearing every last piece until it was an empty vessel.
God help me, please! Chest heaving, she hurled the empty diary across the room. It hit the bedroom door with a clunk. All around her were torn paper and photos. Jonathan’s love letters were bits and pieces. The letters of love had transformed into a distorted, ugly, dirty, black bird: Raven.
Storming to the dresser, Raven used her forearms to swipe across the wood top until everything came crashing down; perfume, hair products, mail, and the mermaid trinket that Damien Wright had given her.
“Liam!” Raven sunk to the floor. In the past, if she closed her eyes, she saw hazel eyes, but today they were gone. She tried again. Nothing, only darkness.
Cradling her flat stomach, Raven felt like ripping out the seed that was growing, an innocent baby.
She stopped trying to claw at her stomach.
It was not the baby’s fault, and it was not Raven’s fault.
No, it wasn’t Charlene’s fault or Jonathan’s fault or Liam’s. Everything was Elise’s fault.