Play your part by meeting the Big Five Needs.
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who are alive.
—HOWARD THURMAN
Using our strengths and skills in a way that aligns with our values is how we do life. The fifth and final principle of purpose is what we do with life. Specifically, what will be our contribution? What positive impact will we make? What will we leave behind? What will be our legacy? In psychology, this intention goes by many names. It’s an other-oriented, prosocial, or noble purpose. We refer to it as being of service. It’s about honoring your interests, strengths, and skills by applying them toward a need in the world. It’s what sets the purpose mindset apart from “just me” performance and passion mindsets. “Make yourself successful” (performance mindset). “Make yourself happy” (passion mindset). Exhausting and insatiable self-occupations.
The purpose mindset frees us from that rat race. The voice of purpose says, “No more scampering up the ladder toward these imaginary targets. No more feeding a bottomless pit.”
You might be wondering whether “purposeful service” is just another burden to shoulder. Off comes the weight of making yourself successful and happy, and on comes the weight of serving others. How is that freedom?
We were made for this—that’s how. When we’re working toward goals that meet real needs in the world, our lives make sense. We have reasons to get up in the morning. The tools we’ve been given (i.e., strengths, skill sets, motivations/values) feel useful. When our work matters, we feel we matter. Whether we’re contributing to a social cause, helping our families and communities to thrive, or making the world more livable and beautiful by protecting the environment or cultivating the arts.
Students in Belle’s research studies have described this intention to make a personally meaningful contribution in a variety of ways. Tania described inspiring youths in her marginalized community as the reason behind her business aspirations: “I want children who come after me, from the youngest one, not to just look at me but to look at others as well so that we can be real models for them to press on.” Antoine described his desire to leave a legacy as an engineer: “to build something that the world will remember. Something that will stick for a long time. Years. Decades, even … Because for a product to stick around that long, you have to have changed a lot in how we live our lives … which is, in the end, one of the main goals for almost any engineer.”
A question that’s often raised is whether purposeful service is a luxury for privileged people whose own needs have already been met. Are less-privileged people, with their limited opportunities and practical concerns like day-to-day survival, less purposeful? Are they less generous because they have less to give? No. Studies show that a commitment to contribute is highly prevalent among marginalized young people.1 This may be because marginalized youth have done the work of self-reflection to make meaning of their marginalization or adversity. With reflection comes insights into the connections between themselves and other people and systems. And these insights lead to an awareness of their purpose. For example, students often take on civic purposes that redress the very social ills they’ve experienced.2
Young people are stereotyped as “vulnerable and flawed”—as problems to be fixed. But it’s time to see them more accurately. Even the most disadvantaged young people can be supported to help themselves and others. They have the “capacity to change their own behavior, develop new cognitive and behavioral skills, cultivate different interests, and establish new social relationships.” They have the power to “shape policies, cultural practices, and social norms” that affect them.3
Throughout the generations, purposeful students have driven major social transformations. Four college freshmen in the 1960s led the first civil rights sit-ins. Child coal miners in 1903 marched from Philadelphia to New York to protest child labor. Students in Tiananmen Square in 1989 fought for greater freedoms and democratic reforms. High schoolers in 2018 helped to reform gun laws. In the most critical crises of the day—including equity, democracy, diversity, and violence—youths are the sparks that keep society moving forward.
Living out purpose doesn’t require doing great or extraordinary things in the eyes of others. Purpose comes alive in the small moments of everyday life. It’s giving a heartfelt compliment, sending a thoughtful text to a childhood friend, or offering a well-timed hug in a moment of distress.
The secret of giving is that it’s often the best way to help ourselves. Compared with their peers, students who are driven by the intention to contribute beyond themselves have a greater sense of self-efficacy and perform better.4 Among urban, low-income youth, commitment to serve others is correlated with increased academic motivation and engagement in school. When adolescents and young adults have “self-transcending” purposes for learning in the classroom, they have higher levels of self-regulation and persistence, and get better grades. More self-oriented motives for learning, like wanting an enjoyable or interesting career, did not produce the same benefits.5
These benefits extend to the workplace as well. People who focus on helping other people in their jobs, like a mortgage broker who helps a family buy their first home, or a preschool teacher who helps kids learn to read, are happier, healthier, more likely to be employed with higher salaries, and more productive.6 In one study, salespeople who were asked to reflect on how their job helped other people generated 50 percent more annual revenue than those who were not asked.7 Similarly, people who volunteer are less depressed, more satisfied with their lives, and happier on a day-to-day basis. Research shows that volunteering is correlated with a 44 percent lower mortality rate.8
Organizations driven by such purpose also excel. Over a ten-year period, businesses whose primary motives were to make a social impact outperformed those on the S&P 500 by 400 percent.9 In short, doing good for others improves your mental and physical health, your performance, and your relationships, as well.
Biology explains why giving is so beneficial. The ventral striatum (VS), reward center of the brain, gets increasingly engaged when people contribute to others. Activating the VS also reduces stress and ultimately improves psychological and physical health. Compared to a control group, adolescents randomly assigned to provide companionship and support to the elderly had lower circulating levels of inflammation, a marker of various chronic health problems.10 Contributing to others on a daily basis also improves adolescents’ moods, especially among those struggling with depression.11
Being of service impacts not just our bodies, but our brains as well. Striving to meet others’ needs fulfills our own psychological needs for relatedness, competence, and autonomy. When we intentionally contribute to the lives of others, we’re connecting with them. We’re gaining a sense of efficacy that fuels competence. And we’re acting out of agency and autonomy. We’re also feeding our need to belong by playing our parts.
Contribution and giving have effects on adolescents that go way beyond traditional developmental tasks such as identity and intimacy. They promote a sense of purpose and generosity more than any other activity. “Making an impact in the world” or “leaving a legacy for future generations” are themes that adolescents consistently mention when reflecting on their hopes and aspirations. We often associate these themes with people entering middle age or beyond, but actually they start mattering during adolescence.
Research shows that we are hardwired to do good in the world. The challenge is in discovering the type of service that best suits us. How do we decide what needs we want to commit to addressing in the world? Where does the desire to help others come from?
Two major sources of the drive to do good are adversity and advantages. These two sides of the coin—extreme negative and positive experiences—shape our identities. Both provide deep insight needed to serve others in a way that reflects our own lived experiences. The first has to do with personal hardships—our troubles, mistakes, wrong turns.
Why in the world would we want to spend even a second longer than we have to thinking about adversities? Because hidden in them are clues to our purpose—the change we want to effect in the world.
Every generation has walked through pain and adversity. Every individual, family, culture, and society. We inhabit imperfect, mortal bodies and minds, on a vacillating planet with unchecked injustice. Sometimes we reap what we sow, and sometimes we reap what others sow. There are different reasons each person suffers, but we are united in suffering.
Suffering is not a good thing. As therapists, mentors, and parents, we try to help our students become aware of and avoid the unintentional things they do that add unnecessary suffering to their lives. We are very eager to help with that!
But not even the best therapy, mentoring, and parenting can create a suffering-free, perfected life. Try as we might, there isn’t a way to help our people sidestep the painful stuff that is the price of admission to the human condition. The loss of loved ones. The breakdown of physical bodies. The inevitability of failures and frustrations. The injustices of people and systems that remain broken. The impossibility of constant bliss. We can try to avoid our painful feelings toward these unavoidable experiences, but they happen to us nonetheless.
Before we say another word, we must insert several crucial caveats. First, we strongly caution against minimizing or putting a Pollyanna spin on your (and your students’) pain. Youth who’ve suffered environmental adversity—such as poverty, mistreatment, or a tragic loss—have an increased risk of mental and physical health problems, poor school performance, and relationship difficulties.12 Chronic negative experiences and emotions can spiral into serious psychiatric problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Eight to ten million people in the United States are diagnosed with PTSD, and many more go undiagnosed. So we are definitely not suggesting that adversity is good. Nor are we suggesting that we should be less sensitive to the effects of trauma and adversity on young people, believing that these are “the very experiences embedded in daily life that they need in order to become strong and healthy.”13
Freud explained that the goal of analysis/therapy is to help people overcome “neurotic misery” so that they can face “normal human unhappiness.”14 Since some amount of suffering and adversity is built into life, the goal of therapy isn’t to try to escape it, but to learn how to respond to it. To learn to bear it. Address it. Move through it. And often to even be a part of the solution on a larger scale.
Fortunately, 90 percent of people who experience trauma will not experience PTSD.15 What’s more, many people report experiencing post-traumatic growth (PTG) in the aftermath of adverse life events. PTG is a positive psychological change resulting from adversity that leads to a level of functioning higher than that pre-adversity. Out of stress exposure can emerge resilience,16 and the motivation to make a meaningful contribution in the world. People with the greatest empathy and compassion for others in need are the ones who’ve experienced the most severe stress and adversity.17 And it’s this compassion that leads them to altruistic acts.18 When people have survived acute stress or suffering, they’re a lot more trusting, trustworthy, open to sharing, and altruistic.19 “Survivor mission” is that phenomenon of helping others who’ve experienced something similar to our own adversity.20 Every day, people are converting the pain and suffering they’ve experienced from their own adversity into a will to help others.
People who’ve experienced post-traumatic growth aren’t glad about their losses or crises. But they do recognize that they’ve been changed in meaningful ways. These “changes” occur in five areas:
These personal changes grow into a desire to create change beyond oneself. When people reflect on their experiences of adversity, stressors, or problems, it can clarify how they want to serve.21 This critical reflection is an opportunity to sharpen a sense of the purpose elements. Wanting to commit to a purpose mindset. Wanting to play growth games even when competing in fixed games. Leaning in to mastering skills and roles. Adding their value where it’s needed most. And knowing where they will make their contribution.
That said, the journey from adversity to purposeful service is not a cakewalk. It must be fought for. It involves navigating the brambles of cynicism, fear, anger, and shame in the world. While there is no cookie-cutter road map, we provide a general guide informed by research in resilience and post-traumatic growth.
Recovery and resiliency involve coming to terms with our adversities, including making meaning of our experiences, and bringing all of our personal experiences, including unresolved and challenging ones, to bear in helping and healing others. Cultivating a desire to contribute begins in our minds. Shapes our expectations. Crystalizes through our words. And eventually breaks through to our actions. You can tell when you come across someone who’s gone through this process. You see emotional freedom and generosity. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote: “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”22
All this points to a profound truth: adversities often activate personal growth and purpose. This certainly does not mean that a student who has sailed through life with a supportive home environment and little struggle is doomed to lack purpose. Tedeschi and Calhoun emphasize that personal growth after trauma should be viewed as originating not from the event, but from within individuals themselves through their process of grappling with the event and its meaning.23 Those without trauma can grapple with suffering in the world as well if they have other motivations for doing so, such as an awareness of suffering and healthy empathy.
Students who feel disempowered or come from underprivileged backgrounds have some of the highest levels of empathy and compassionate behavior on a daily basis.24 Marginalization is tied to increased stress and adversity and, in turn, reflection on these experiences. Reflecting on stress and adversity is tied to developing a sense of purpose.25 People from impoverished and war-torn countries, as well as those who have survived traumatic events like natural disasters, are most likely to report a sense of purpose.26 Within the United States, too, those who come from poverty, or have been affected by crimes or homelessness, are more likely to consider their life purpose.27 In sum, experiencing adversity makes us think about life more. The more we think about our lives, the more likely we are to find purpose in them.
As we’ve written, people are not glad for their experiences of marginalization, trauma, or systemic racism. And we must fight for systemic changes, not just help people cope better. Still, we’re left with the findings that adversity informs purpose, and can catalyze a desire to meet needs. Clearly, students are change agents. Not just problems to be fixed.
Our research and work with students documents their journeys as change agents who heal, fix, and crush the very adversities that have hurt them. They become experts in their own adversity. We see their wisdom, insight, and compassion as they tackle personal and systemic adversity. They listen. They express compassion. They advocate. They take action. They point out systemic injustices to be addressed by policy change. They understand they’re not responsible for abolishing the social ills that have harmed them. But they seek to be part of the solution and call others to do the same.
Adversity changes how we view ourselves, other people, and the world we live in. And this changed view has a special impact on our principles of purpose. Adversity can crystalize our authentic core values, uncover our unique strengths and skills, and compel us to go beyond ourselves and help others. Adversity doesn’t just cause a psychological or spiritual response that cultivates purpose. It creates a biological response that readies us for purpose as well.
Our main biological response to adversity is stress. And we tend to view stress as a very “bad” thing. This culturally bound take on stress calls to mind the “fight-or-flight” response. We think of pounding hearts. Rapid breathing. Bodies trembling. Pupils dilating. All the signs that we’re preparing to fight or run for our lives.
But there’s more to “fight or flight.” And it’s important to understand the other parts of the picture.28 Stress in and of itself is not a bad thing. It can help us rise to a challenge by amping up our physical and psychological capacities. It can spur us to strengthen our support networks. It can change the way we see ourselves, or our view of what’s important in life.
In other words, stress can set off psychological and biological responses that mobilize each element of purpose. Here’s how.
It’s human nature to sell ourselves short. We underestimate our ability to endure pain and overestimate the negative impact adversity will have on us.29 As mentioned in chapter 2, we’re often not fully aware of our strengths—we’re strengths-blind.
Adversity tests our strength and can reveal to us what we’re made of. We react to these events in ways that are diagnostic of our strengths, and that provide life insights, including how to overcome challenges.30 A common sentiment among trauma survivors is that they’re much more vulnerable than they thought, but also much stronger than they ever could have imagined.31
Stress energizes the body to mobilize strength—our livers pump fat and sugar into our bloodstreams that our bodies convert to energy. We breathe deeper to provide more oxygen to our hearts. Our heart rates quicken to deliver a burst of energy to our brains and muscles. Adrenaline and cortisol kick in to help us use this energy efficiently. The combination of these biological reactions makes us able to run faster, lift more, and gain overall physical strength.
This “challenge response” also jacks up our intellectual strength and acuity. Pupils dilate to let in more light so that vision improves. Hearing sharpens and the brain processes information more efficiently. A cocktail of endorphins, testosterone, and dopamine rush in to create laser focus and motivation. So, if we feel we’ve discovered new strengths from adversity, it’s true in more ways than we realize. This biological response to stress makes us physically and mentally stronger.
Try this: Ask yourself what personal strengths you discovered or grew as you navigated an individual and specific life challenge.
Traumas are “seismic events” that shape our life narratives. For example, if your student’s self-narrative includes being an excellent student, failing multiple exams during a difficult semester can challenge that narrative. If your narrative includes the belief that you live in a safe and secure neighborhood, getting mugged or having your car broken into might disrupt that story.
Recovery involves grappling with new, sometimes seismic events to make new meaning of your life and the world. This can be a painful process that involves coming to terms with losses, including what you formerly believed and felt capable of. At the same time, your eyes may be opened to new life paths and possibilities.32 As you journey down unexpected paths, opportunities may arise for developing new life skills.
Try this: Consider how a challenge or adversity opened up new doors and opportunities for you. What skills were you motivated to learn as a result?
When bad things happen to us, our knee-jerk response is to think about it over and over. We’re highly motivated to make sense of traumatic events.33 We will repeatedly ask ourselves: Why did this happen? Why did it happen to me? What type of world do I live in, and what is my place in it? What does the future hold for me? Sometimes, thinking over these questions can take the form of unhealthy perseveration, or what researchers call intrusive rumination. Intentional rumination, however, is making sense of the events and often just the thing we need to come to terms with adversity.
Still, grappling with these questions can be as painful as the adverse experience itself. But the silver lining is that the more we contemplate our lives, the more meaningful and purposeful they become. This is why adversity so commonly results in a greater appreciation of life—the mundane moments as well as the bigger picture. Adverse events can remind us that life is precious and that we have limited time to pursue what matters most. In other words, adversity can help us see what we truly value in life.34
There are biological reactions to adversity that actually support these value shifts. One response to stress is for our brains to release the hormone DHEA. Known as the “learn and grow response,” DHEA makes us receptive to new information so that we can make sense of adverse events. And so, as we replay a stressful event in our minds, the “learn and grow response” changes how we view it and what we value in life.
Try this: Reflect on a challenging event. Did it change what you valued or thought was important in life? Did it change what motivates you? If so, how?
Experiencing loss or tragedy can connect us with others. Not only do we draw support from others, but we can relate to fellow travelers who have suffered as well. We’re reminded of the profound importance of meaningful relationships.
Adversity improves our emotional intelligence; it increases our awareness of and compassion toward others’ pain and struggles. We want to lessen the pain and suffering of others.
In response to stress, our bodies release high levels of oxytocin, known as the “snuggle hormone.” This “tend and befriend response” causes us to crave social connection and motivates us to build and strengthen social bonds. Stress makes us want to talk to people, usually about our stressors. And this desire makes us feel more connected to others. Oxytocin also improves intuition, empathy, and willingness to trust others by enabling our brains to tune in to what others are thinking and feeling.
If you ever commiserate with another parent over a conflict with your adolescent, or vent with a colleague after a frustrating meeting with your boss, then you’ve activated the tend and befriend response. Your students, too, bond with peers over all sorts of stress. Heartbreaks. Harsh teachers. Too much work. And yes, even overbearing parents.
We’ve sealed the deal to many of our most significant relationships by bonding over stressful situations. A Harvard University survey found that 70 percent of fathers felt that the global pandemic caused them to spend more time with their kids, and they had stronger, more caring relationships with them as a result.35
Try this: Ask yourself: How has adversity impacted your relationships? Has it influenced how you see yourself contributing to the lives of others?
Not everyone faces the same amount of adversity in their lives. In fact, we often work hard to avoid adversity for ourselves and our people. Does the absence of adversity mean we lack empathy for others? Not at all. The other side of the adversity coin—advantages—can be just as powerful a motivator to do good in the world.
Each of us benefits from different privileges—some earned, some unearned. For example, we’re born into certain identities in terms of race, gender, ability, class, citizenship, to name a few. For each category, society unconsciously arranges the corresponding identities on a continuum, from closest to farthest from the position of power. So, if our identities closely match the identities of decision-makers, we may enjoy unearned benefits. Marginalized identities are those that are farthest from those in power.
When we acknowledge where identities fall on this continuum, we’re not making value judgments. Just acknowledging the objective data about the identities of people in our country who tend to occupy decision-making positions, like governmental policy-makers, CEOs, media moguls, and so on.
Just because we have privilege in areas of our lives doesn’t necessarily mean we have “easy” lives. Privilege isn’t a reason for guilt. It’s an opportunity for meeting needs with the advantages we’ve been given.
The national conversation has put privilege front and center, and yet it can still be hard to grasp the impact of privilege. One way to understand it is to reflect on what an able-bodied student needs to think about to walk in the front door of school. Usually without a thought, they just walk through it. Compare this with a student in a wheelchair about to enter the school. They have a lot more to think about. Location of ramps. Curbs. Stairs. Obstacles. Obviously this doesn’t mean the able-bodied student is a bad person or doesn’t have other struggles and pain. It just means they have one less obstacle to getting to where they’re going than the student in the wheelchair does.
So, too, do white Americans have well-documented unearned advantages compared with minorities. Better access to healthcare. Better-quality education. Greater lifetime earnings. Longer life expectancies. Yet policy-makers frequently debate whether racial privilege exists and whether to address inequities. Everyday citizens resist reflecting on and admitting to their privileges. If we’re honest, this is because we don’t like to admit to privileges we benefit from. Sometimes we feel guilty for having them. We also worry that acknowledging privilege minimizes our own role in success. If we’ve worked hard, we don’t like the thought that our success came through unfair advantages. For example, five of the fastest men’s marathon times in history have been set by runners in Nike Vaporfly shoes. A study showed that these shoes significantly boost running economy—wearers do less work to run at the same speed, thanks to a carbon fiber plate and rapid energy-returning foam core.36 Just like a corked bat or pine tar on a baseball is performance-enhancing, these shoes are performance-enhancing and give runners an edge. Were these record-breaking marathoners really the fastest of all time, or did they overly benefit from the advantages the Vaporfly shoes provided?
We feel better thinking we earned our successes through hard work and talent, not via birthright or a fancy pair of shoes. So denying inherent benefits is a form of self-protection and self-aggrandizement. Privilege is easy for us to deny because it’s often invisible—taking the form of an absence of economic insecurity, racial profiling, or stereotyping by others. Only honest reflection can reveal these often invisible truths.
Try this: Ask yourself and your students: In what ways might one aspect of your social status give you an edge—even if you didn’t ask for or earn this advantage? What about an aspect that puts you at a disadvantage? Are there certain groups who’ve been denied these privileges? What impact do you think the lack of privilege might have had on their lives?
Just as purpose can change our relationship with our adversity, purpose can also change our relationship with our advantages. Acknowledging our advantages means we can leverage them to help others who don’t benefit from them. In turn, opening our eyes to inequalities and injustices can raise our awareness of our own advantages.
Using our social position this way changes our relationship with our privilege. Rather than something to hide, privilege becomes a meaningful resource we can use to give back. We can convert privilege into purpose. This doesn’t mean we swoop in as saviors. Recognizing our privileges isn’t the same as feeling entitled to them. It’s being grateful for our advantages that is the engine for change.
Practicing Gratitude
What’s something that has made your life better …
Practicing gratitude for our privileges is a strong impetus for giving back. Gratitude transforms the way we see our responsibilities to others in multiple ways.37 It helps us form and maintain strong and healthy relationships. We become motivated to help others, often in creative and thoughtful ways.38 The more grateful we are, the more likely we are to help others.39 Naming our good fortune inspires us to pay it forward. When we understand our advantages and our adversity, we better understand the needs we’re driven to meet in the world.
Critical consciousness (CC) is the process of becoming aware of societal ills connected to our lived experiences and doing something about them. Its benefits for diverse youth and communities are well documented. CC involves perceiving a challenge in the world, understanding it, recognizing the possibility of a response, and then acting. Whether and how we take action depends on whether and how we understand the challenge first.
The three steps to this process are critical reflection, critical motivation, and critical action. Critical reflection is learning about social injustices and how they shape the world. Critical motivation is reflecting on how they shape our advantages and adversity. From this reflection, we gain the critical motivation to do something about these injustices. This motivation moves us from reflection to action. Let’s use critical consciousness to understand how we can act to meet the big five needs in the world.
The big five needs are things every human needs to thrive. Advantages protect and promote these needs. Adversities threaten these needs. Whether our needs are met versus unmet is typically the difference between an advantage and an adversity. Reflecting on how our own needs have been met can help to clarify the needs we are uniquely positioned to help meet in the world.
Consider how the big five have affected you. If a need has not been met, reflect on the adversity it may have caused in your life. If a need has been met, it’s an advantage. Consider how your adversities and advantages might help you to address others’ needs in a way that feels meaningful to you. Note that our descriptions aren’t comprehensive, just starting points for considering how we might meet a need.
At a minimum, everyone needs access to healthy food, clean water, basic healthcare, and safe, affordable housing. If these needs aren’t satisfied, our bodies can’t function.
Critical reflection: Have my physical needs been met?
Critical motivation: What advantages or adversity have these needs created in my life?
Critical action: How could I use my advantages to help others whose basic needs are not met? How can my experiences of adversity be used to help others experiencing something similar?
People need psychological, spiritual, and relational health, including a sense of security and safety, love and belonging, and self-esteem. These needs can be satisfied through resources and opportunities, such as mental health and medical care, schools, places of worship, spiritual and psychological supports, and other caring and contributing communities described in the next section.
Critical reflection: Have my personal needs been met?
Critical motivation: What advantages or adversity have these needs created in my life?
Critical action: How could I use my advantages to help others whose personal needs are not met? How can my experiences of adversity be used to help others experiencing something similar?
People need to belong in supportive communities. Not only do communities, such as schools, faith/affiliation communities, and work places, provide an opportunity to contribute as valued members, people also need access to quality education and dignified work that will provide economic security.
Critical reflection: Have my economic needs been met?
Critical motivation: What advantages or adversity have these needs created in my life?
Critical action: How could I use my advantages to help others whose community needs are not met? How can my experiences of adversity be used to help others experiencing something similar?
Everyone deserves equal opportunities to participate in and benefit from a just, fair, and democratic society.
Critical reflection: Have my societal needs been met?
Critical motivation: What advantages or adversity have these needs created in my life?
Critical action: How could I use my advantages to help others whose just society needs are not met? How can my experiences of adversity be used to help others experiencing something similar?
Everyone has the right to environmental and/or planetary sustainability.
Critical reflection: Have my environmental needs been met?
Critical motivation: What advantages or adversity have these needs created in my life?
Critical action: How could I use my advantages to help others whose environmental needs are not met? How can my experiences of adversity be used to help others experiencing something similar?
These lists demonstrate that there is much need in the world, and much work to be done. And there are infinite ways of being of service. Virtually any job or organization, whether for-profit or nonprofit, can address pressing needs. It can be argued that every effective business meets a need in the world. Jim Stengel, a former Proctor & Gamble executive and thought leader in helping companies find their purpose, has identified five needs that any company may meet:
When your students consider what needs they intend to meet in the world, this doesn’t necessarily mean they must choose to solve a pressing global problem. Meeting a need starts from contributing to the most basic of needs on a daily basis. Sometimes it means offering an encouraging word or holding open a door. Other times, it’s picking up trash along the side of a road. Or it’s voting or taking to the streets to protest racial injustice. Whether the context is personal or professional, meeting a need (big or small) requires our intentionality.
A critical piece of what’s necessary to meet needs in the world is caring for our own essential needs. It’s hard to meet others’ needs when our own needs go unmet. When we’re coping with adversity from an unmet need, we need to put on our own oxygen masks first. Over the long term, the most successful people balance the two: they find a way to meet their own needs by meeting the needs of others.
Next, we explore the science of how people turn their pain and privilege into purpose.
Psychology in the United States has come a long way in destigmatizing mental health issues. It’s more acceptable now than it’s ever been to acknowledge depression, anxiety, and mental health disorders. The rapper Drake’s most popular song, “In My Feelings,” explores difficult emotions he encountered in a significant relationship. His 2020 video for the song “Laugh Now, Cry Later” features a close-up of him with tears streaming down his face, asking a friend, “You got a tissue?” Drake’s vulnerability is symbolic of the emotional rawness of young people today. It seems like they are always “in their feelings.” It’s never been more accepted to own up to the emotional roller coaster that’s part of life. Psychologist Jean Twenge, in her book iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood—and What That Means for the Rest of Us, explains that with the increase in mental health problems among youth has come a shift in norms toward honest self-expression.60 Social media has been their place to share feelings, for better and for worse.
Social and emotional learning (SEL) has become a huge area of focus in education. Schools are talking about teaching “the whole child” and changing their school schedules to include advisory periods for the sole purpose of helping teachers build meaningful relationships with students to help them navigate the vicissitudes of life. Now more than ever, young people are encouraged to “open up” about their feelings.
What’s less understood is why talking through emotions is a key to thriving and how we can help our students do so. Opening up has real, tangible benefits that go well beyond “feeling better.” It improves mental and physical health, and the ability to succeed in life. Opening up enables us to let go, think it through, and connect the dots.
Research has revealed that we shouldn’t be so quick to assume that “talking about a problem won’t make it go away.”61 Opening up actually has a palpable effect on our brains and bodies.
Thought exercise: Imagine holding your breath while reading right now. In the first few moments, it may be light work. You can probably focus on reading these words with little effort. But as time goes on, your body will begin to crave oxygen, distracting you from the task at hand. You’ll start to feel the physical strain of holding your breath in. Your stomach and chest will tighten; your lungs will feel pressed in on themselves. This physical exertion will coincide with a mental strain. The longer you go without breath, the harder it is to think about what you’re reading. Go long enough and you won’t be able to think about anything but oxygen. Your focus will move entirely inward.
Now, imagine taking a lovely deep breath after holding it all in. How does it feel to let go and let your breath return to you? What word would you use to describe it? For us, it’s relief.
Holding in your emotions has the same impact. Both are physical acts of repression that take up energy. When you hold in your emotions, your heart races, you sweat, and you strain your cardiovascular system. You may not notice this exertion in the short term, but holding in your emotions long enough will lead to big problems, including physical and mental health ailments. Our bodies exert precious energy to hold in thoughts and emotions. It drains us over time.
The antidote to “holding in” is “letting go.” Imagine again how it feels to take those first few breaths after holding your breath for too long. Huge relief. Your body and mind relax. The same is true when you release emotions you’ve been working hard to repress. Compared to their peers, college students who expressed painful experiences and feelings in writing were much less likely to visit the health center six months later.62 Even taking a few minutes to write about deeply felt personal experiences or adversity can heal emotional wounds, decrease stress, increase your sense of well-being, and improve your relationships. It even boosts your immune system.63 Similar results have been found in hospital patients: opening up has been shown to improve lung functions and joint health.64
There’s great mental benefit to opening up as well. When students opened up about their worries before big tests, their scores improved dramatically.65 When workers who were laid off or fired let go of feelings of guilt and shame, they were more likely to get hired in subsequent job interviews.66
Supporting your students to let go, and process their emotions in a healthy way, is the best way to overcome the negative effects of holding things in.
The next step to processing negative experiences is to think them through. When we experience a traumatic or stressful event, the typical response is to think about it over and over. This repeated thinking, called “rumination,” includes reminiscing, problem-solving, and trying to make sense of what happened.67 We replay upsetting key moments—a first heartbreak, a particularly cringey moment, various regrets. We obsess over where we went wrong and how we could’ve done things differently. Rumination is a natural coping mechanism. We ruminate to learn from difficult times.
But rumination can be a terribly painful process. We might realize that we’ll never see a loved one again, or that after heart failure we’ll never be as active as we once were. Rumination can plunge us to the depths of despair. We can be going about our day when out of the blue—bam!—a negative memory from our past takes over. This is the intrusive rumination we mentioned above. It affects waking thoughts, dreams, and every aspect of our internal worlds. These random thoughts trigger intense negative feelings, often at the worst times. No one wants to burst into tears during a job interview or in the checkout line at CVS. So, we try to beat back these intrusive thoughts. Force them out of our minds. Focus on the brighter side. Keep ourselves busy, surround ourselves with others, turn on the TV even when we aren’t watching it, doom scroll through our digital feeds. Anything to not be left alone with our own thoughts.
But working hard to block intrusive thoughts is like holding our breaths; the longer we do it, the more it consumes us. Try as we might, adversity is not easily forgotten. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe we shouldn’t be so hasty in deleting adverse events from our memories. Fortunately, automatic rumination isn’t the only way to review our adverse experiences. Deliberate rumination is intentional and reflective thought. People who deliberately ruminate seek out space and support for reflection. These are common practices in AA, counseling, or other support groups. Automatic rumination makes us want to run from painful memories and emotions. Deliberate rumination involves putting your arms around them. It’s meeting them head-on through active contemplation. It’s a tool for repairing, restructuring, or rebuilding our understanding of how the world works.68 The difference between continuing to suffer from adversity and growing from it is thinking through adversity very intentionally. We make sense of our lives. Strategize ways to manage adversity. Accept things outside our control.
Deliberate rumination takes a lot of different forms. Talking. Writing. Other forms of self-expression. Thinking through pain, problems in the world, and unearned privileges can come with negative emotions. Facing them, rather than fearing them, can help us to accept, move forward, and make meaning from them.
Three stages of deliberate rumination lead to post-traumatic growth.
Adversity forces us to change the stories we tell about ourselves and the world. Intentional deliberation is choosing to tell a new story that makes sense to us, that aligns with our purpose, and allows us to move on in our lives. This is how many of the most influential and successful people in the world have turned their pain into their purpose.
Opening up allows us to let go of our emotions. Thinking them through helps us make sense of and come to peace with life challenges. Connecting the dots leads to the purpose mindset. There is no easy recipe for arriving at your purpose. But this we know: the more we actively reflect on the connections between who we are, who we want to become, and the impact we want to have, the more purposeful our lives become. This is true for each principle of purpose. The more we think about our strengths, skills, values/motivations, and contributions, the more we can integrate them into daily life. This is why adversity can cultivate purpose—it causes us to question our lives. It’s through this exploration and curiosity that we make meaning in life. When faced with a life-altering event, we tend to ask: “What’s the point of my life? What’s important to me? Who am I, and what am I capable of?”
Asking these questions clarifies the answers. Just asking people to reflect on the elements of purpose we’ve discussed can lead to other realizations. Students of color who journaled about their authentic core values did so much better in school that they closed the achievement gap.69 Reflecting about their strengths made people better at, and more satisfied with their jobs.70 Writing about who they wanted to become in the future, including the skills they wanted to develop, significantly and lastingly improved people’s well-being.71 When students were given an opportunity to write about their prosocial reasons for learning, they became more academically self-disciplined and learned more in school than when they focused only on self-oriented motives such as the desire to have an enjoyable career.72 Reflecting on how their work would make a positive impact in the world made all the difference.
Connecting the dots, through talking or writing, reveals the thread joining the pieces that matter most to us. It’s the process by which we make meaning of our lives, the good, bad, and ugly. It’s how we connect our lived experiences to our sense of purpose. Our lives inform our purpose, and our purpose informs the needs we choose to meet in the world. This bond connects us to something bigger than ourselves. When we ask the questions: “Why me? Why did this happen to me?” this search for answers can reveal the connections between our life experiences and our purpose. Connecting the dots is how we construct a meaningful narrative.
The most decorated Olympian of all time, American swimmer Michael Phelps, competed in four Olympics (2004 to 2016) and earned an astonishing twenty-eight medals, including an Olympic record of twenty-three gold medals. Amid his triumphs, Phelps battled substance abuse, anxiety, and depression. He was arrested twice and served probation for drunk driving. At the top of his (fixed) game, after bringing home four gold medals and two silvers in the 2012 Olympics, he holed up for days in his hotel room not eating or sleeping, contemplating suicide.73 An obsessive performance mindset had brought him to the brink of emotional ruin. Fortunately, he opened up to counselors and family members, and ultimately found healing and purpose. He channeled his energies into philanthropy, partnering with the Boys and Girls Club of America to promote healthy coping for youth—a focus inspired by his own challenges with mental health. During a live interview, he explained how his adversities had inspired him to be a part of saving lives. He claimed that this purpose was “way more powerful” and “light years better” than Olympic gold.
His story is a reminder to care for ourselves, and once our needs are met, adversity can give us insight and expertise to aid fellow travelers.
Phrases like “meeting a need in the world,” “doing good,” and “being of service” can stoke guilt, intimidation, and misinterpretation. Maybe we think it means living 100 percent selflessly, swearing off material possessions, and solving the biggest problems in the world all by ourselves. Refusing to fly on planes due to high carbon emissions, like environmental activist Greta Thunberg. Working to tackle misinformation on COVID-19, like Nelson Kwaje in South Sudan. Creating an anti-violence awareness campaign, like teenage Chicago activist RaSia Khepra. Inventing energy-efficient gadgets using scrap electronics for poor communities, like the teenage engineer Kelvin Doe in Sierra Leone. Using media to stand up for girls’ access to free quality education and winning the Nobel Peace Prize, like Malala Yousafzai. Reciting the words of a poem to heal and unify a divided country at the 2021 presidential inauguration, like Amanda Gorman.
Without question, these are wonderful role models and exemplars of purpose. What a beautiful world it would be if there were more like them. But they also represent an image of purpose that is not for everyone. One that causes some people to question whether they should even bother to make service a part of their life equation. For some students, “meeting a need” sounds like too great an ask. They wonder, “How does my interest in making money or in full-time Netflix watching have anything to do with meeting needs in the world? What would I have to sacrifice to do good?”
For others, “meeting a need” sounds too tiny an ask. Overwhelmed by the thought of all the needs in the world, they wonder, “Where do I even start? What do I have to offer that would even scratch the surface of the vast needs in the world? How can befriending one lonely classmate, shoveling snow off my elderly neighbor’s driveway, tutoring a second-grader, or donating my time and money to one charity, for example, make the slightest dent in meeting massive global needs?” For that one lonely classmate, elderly neighbor, or child, it’s everything. And for your student, every act of empathy and generosity in daily life is a building block in the practice of purpose that meets needs in the world.
Psychologist Scott Kaufman explains how generous purpose has been misunderstood. In what Kaufman refers to as the Surrender Yourself model, Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” has been misinterpreted to suggest that meeting your own basic needs is a necessary evil and not as noble as sacrificing your needs to make the world better. 74
The Fully Human model, in contrast, honors everyone’s individual journey to purpose. Personal needs aren’t less noble than the world’s needs. We have to meet our needs for safety, love, esteem, and mastery in order to do anything else well. In other words, put your own oxygen mask on first, so that you can bring your full self (personal needs, interests, and all) to your purpose.
We have to truly respect our students’ “inner core.” We’re like horticulturists who learn our students’ tropisms—their leanings and preferences. We are about helping them grow in their own styles toward fulfilling their purposes. After all, the definition of purpose is an intention to do something meaningful for the self and of consequence in the world. It’s not abandoning everything you care about to give to others. There is a balance between self-care and care of others. A balance between self-interest and interest in others. And nowhere in this definition is a measuring stick for determining how big or small your impact should be.
We’re not competing in the Good Works Olympics. “Doing good” is subjective. We choose a way of contributing that is personally meaningful to us. It’s not about satisfying other people’s definitions of contribution. We are not subject to earthly judgments about the worthiness of our work or cause. Purposeful people realize that “meeting a need” is less about the tangibles of what they do and more about why they do it. This triggers a virtuous cycle; doing good makes us feel good. Feeling good compels us to do good.
“Job crafting” is the process of designing your job to make it meaningful and engaging.75 Twenty years of research on hospital cleaners, employees in a manufacturing firm, a women’s advocacy nonprofit, and tech workers undertaken by Jane E. Dutton and Amy Wrzesniewski converge on three strategies:
Candice Walker, a hospital housekeeper, cares deeply for patients and their families. She sees her work as much more than her cleaning responsibilities; she sees them as a form of healing and playing a key role “in the house of hope.” Defining her role as a healer has meant that she pays special attention to the tasks that help patients to recover quickly, and deliberately forms relationships with them.
Rachel Heydlauff, a consultant for a firm specializing in organizational change, cares about sharing her expertise on positive organizational scholarship, a role that was not originally explicit in her job description. She increased this part of her role and pursued opportunities to deepen her expertise, to the point of developing a reputation for it. She intentionally builds deep, personal connections with her clients and colleagues to have influence on team morale and organizational climate.76
“Meeting a need” is subjective. People determine what is purposeful to them:
Virtually any job and every task can be carried out in a way that contributes to a need. We hold power to find the impact and purpose animating our daily and long-term efforts. And we can empower our students to do the same.
Being of service is the lynchpin of the purpose mindset. It can stem from our adversities and advantages. Carving out space for intentional reflection on these experiences is the key to finding meaning in them. Before inviting students into a compassionate and imaginative space for processing their elements of purpose, please keep in mind these caveats:
Below, we make lessons from this chapter actionable for you and your students.
Self-Care
Here’s the good news: you are reading this book because you want to be of service, to your students and beyond. Articulating the needs you want to meet in the world, and why they are important to you, is the best way to role-model being of service to young people. Reflect on the prompts below, and consider sharing them with your students.
Reflecting on Advantages
REFLECTION
a. What does being of service mean to you? Complete this sentence: My aim is to be of service by ____________________________.
b. What does it mean to be of service as a parent, educator, or mentor?
c. What does it mean to be of service in your professional life?
d. Are the answers to a and b the same or different? Why?
MOTIVATION
a. What needs are you addressing when you are being of service? (Note—it can be more than one.)
b. Why is meeting this need important to you?
c. Does it stem from advantages or adversity you’ve experienced? If so, how did your adversity or advantages inform your motivation?
ACTION
a. How could you be more intentional about serving:
Your students?
Your community?
Your workplace?
b. What’s an act of service you could take in the next:
Month:
Week:
Day:
Hour:
Case Example:
During his college advising session with Marcus, Tim asked his standard initial question: “If you could do anything after high school knowing that you would be successful, financially secure, and your friends and family would support you, what would you do?” Marcus replied, “Become a YouTube gamer.”
Tim asked his standard second question: “Why?” Marcus shared that he’d been viciously bullied during elementary and middle school. He fell into deep depression, with no one to turn to. To cope with his pain, he would lose himself in the world of online gaming on YouTube. There he discovered a popular YouTuber, with millions of followers and immense financial success. Marcus was drawn to him for one particular reason. He sprinkled throughout his videos personal stories about being bullied as a kid. Hearing his hero share experiences similar to his own had a profound effect on Marcus. He felt less alone and became hopeful that these challenges would not keep him from a brighter future. Marcus began posting his own videos to encourage his followers.
Through online gaming, Marcus was pursuing his purpose. Tim and Marcus researched colleges and universities with video production and editing majors and explored how Marcus might have a similar impact in other professions (e.g., as a psychologist, social worker, and middle school teacher). Marcus went from disengaged in school to seeing it as an opportunity to achieve his personal goals and meet needs in the world.
What You Can Do for Your Student
Role-modeling service behaviors—helping others, contributing to your community, acting with integrity—is the best thing you can do to support your student to do the same. Once you’ve practiced self-care in the above section, reflect on the times you’ve seen your students exhibit these behaviors.
REFLECTION
a. When have you seen your student be of service? (Service can range from sharing a sandwich, a hug, or homework help with a peer.) Who have they helped, and how do they like to help?
MOTIVATION
a. Why do you think your student likes to be of service in this way? What needs do they enjoy meeting for others? Is this related to any advantages or adversity they’ve experienced?
ACTION
a. Talk with your student about their advantages or privileges, as well as an adversity they’re ready to talk about. Students often struggle to articulate why their advantages have benefited them or how their adversity has impacted them.
b. Ask about this adversity: Explore with them how it impacted them. How did it make their lives harder? What did they realize about themselves and the world in facing this challenge?
c. Ask for their expertise: Give them this scenario: “If someone was going through something similar to your experience, how would you try to help them? What would you say to them? What actions would you take?” You may get very telling answers from these questions if your student has been well primed to open up. Ask them how they arrived at their responses.