Your Ideal Match
The most exciting aspect about your breakup is that it’s a chance for a fresh start. You no longer need to settle. No more abusers, cheaters, someone unsupportive, someone who makes you feel small, someone who devalues you, someone who doesn’t prioritize your needs, or someone who doesn’t bother to acknowledge your unhappiness. Instead, you get to dream up your ideal match, and then go meet them in real life. When you believe you’re worthy and operate from a mind-set of abundance, such as “I know I’m a catch and I can’t wait to meet the many men who value the same things I do, and will treat me with kindness and respect,” then the world is your dating playground. You deserve someone who makes you feel like the most attractive, enchanting, and valuable woman on the planet. My husband told me on our third date that when he’s with me he sees stars (he even had a star named after me for a Valentine’s Day gift). Romance does exist, and so does a profound, reciprocal love after a breakup. Your unicorn is out there too!
But before we go any further in discussing your ideal match, we need to address the elephant in the room—no, you’re not shallow for caring about looks! You just need to make sure there’s something underneath them to back up the attraction. Certain evolutionary factors drive us toward picking an attractive partner. For instance, we prefer tall people with symmetrical faces because it signals they’re healthy, and since our innate drive is to pick a mating partner, it makes sense we’d want someone with good genes. It takes less than one second to determine if we’re attracted to someone. This is probably why hot-or-not-style dating apps became so wildly popular—not because they’re promoting quality matches based on mutual interests and shared values, but because it only takes one second to make a judgment, swipe right or left and receive instant gratification.
While physical attraction alone is a bad metric for a relationship, it does need to be in the mix. Sometimes we can find someone great on paper, but the attraction falls flat in person. They’re too short, you hate the dark black pores on their nose, or they smell funny. As much as I want you to keep an open mind, you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone. Ask yourself, “Can I see past what’s turning me off?” Beards can be trimmed, cologne can be purchased, and bald guys can be phenomenal kissers. Ultimately though, no matter how many dates you give them, if you can’t develop that spark and sexual attraction the relationship is a no-go. When I was actively online dating there was a man whose profile looked like my perfect match, but I wasn’t attracted to his photos. He continued to send me hilarious messages, and eventually I caved and messaged back because he was so funny. Despite the fact that he was an athletic, intelligent, successful doctor holding a giant bouquet and tickets to the Red Sox game for our first date, the second I saw him in person I knew in my gut that I wasn’t attracted to him. I tried to keep an open mind, and even gave him three dates since we had great convos, a lot of shared values, and he made me laugh; but every time I’d open my door to greet him I could feel my heart sink. When he went in for the first kiss, I cringed and crossed my fingers for fireworks, but all I could think about was how much I hated the feeling of his thin lips pressed against mine. I ended it then.
IDEAL MATCH THEORY
I’m going to let you in on my personal theory, but don’t worry, I won’t go all Einstein on you! You don’t need a degree in science or psychology to understand it and apply it to your life. This is my theory about love. It’s called the Ideal Match Theory. I believe that every partner falls on a scale from 1 to 100, with 100 being your most well-suited, complementary match. If you’re with your ideal match, your personalities are complementary; your core values are aligned; you have a secure functioning relationship full of safety, trust, intimacy, and effective communication; you know how to soothe each other and repair conflict; you tackle problems and approach life as a unified team; you speak each other’s love languages and prioritize each other consistently; and of course there is physical attraction and sexual compatibility. You don’t have to enjoy all of the same activities together, but you do have to agree on how much time you like to spend together versus your need for independence. Your ideal match isn’t a clone; you value and respect each other’s differences. It’s kind of like in Sex and the City when Samantha asked Charlotte how often she’s happy in her relationship, and Charlotte replied that with Harry she’s happy every day. Not all day every day, but at least daily.
Even after you’ve been with your ideal match for years, you still feel enamored, continue to grow a deeper sense of connection, and cultivate a truly meaningful partnership. This wild love is not one of myth; it exists in real life. Dr. Helen Fisher studied couples who reported being madly in love after on average twenty-one years of marriage. She and a team of researchers wanted to know what made these couples different and how they could sustain feelings of deep love for each other over such a long period of time. She put these couples into a brain scanner, and found three distinct regions of brain activity.
The first brain region is associated with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their own emotional experiences. It’s saying, “When you’re distraught, the world stops and I will listen and feel with you.” It’s being on the same team instead of against each other. These long-term lovers can relieve each other’s pain. A relationship cannot survive without empathy. One of the most helpful skill sets in any relationship is effective communication, which is directly correlated with having empathetic regard for your partner.
I teach my clients my L.U.V.E. acronym, which stands for listen, understand, validate, and empathize. To listen, you must give your partner your full attention, and show this by putting your phone down, making eye contact, and nodding along. To understand, you should repeat back or paraphrase to your partner what you just heard them say, which gives your partner a chance to clarify anything and feel that you really get the core of the issue. You can combine validate and empathize into the final step, which is to make a validating and empathetic response, such as, “I can see why that would be frustrating or why you would be hurt,” which shows your partner that you can relate to their emotional experience. Note that I didn’t say you have to agree with your partner or that it’s about right and wrong, rather it’s about stepping into your partner’s emotional reality.
The second brain region pinpointed by the research is associated with controlling your own emotions. To stay in love for so long, you must be responsible for your own emotional reactions and take responsibility for your behaviors, no matter how angry or annoyed you are. Even couples therapists, like me, make mistakes. There have been times I’ve caught myself yelling at my husband, saying, “Why did you make me yell?” as if he could reach into my throat and control my own vocal cords! I will never be perfect, but I can recognize these unfair accusations and apologize for them. Owning your emotional reactions rather than blaming them on your partner is key to creating a relationship in which there is trust, respect, and accountability.
The skill here is about being able to self-regulate. When you’re angry or upset, the fight-or-flight region of your brain is activated, and this can prevent you from accessing the more rational, decision-making part of your brain. When you feel yourself escalating, a good technique is to take your internal temperature. Ask yourself where you fall on a 1 to 10 scale. If it’s above a 5, it means you’re probably not thinking logically, and you may say or do something that will hurt your partner. Of course, if you’re already above a 5, it may be too late to do this rationale exercise, so it takes practice to check in with yourself as you feel yourself starting to heat up. This is the best time to take three long, deep breaths, and tell your partner that you need to take a short time-out to cool off so that you can have a more productive conversation. Make sure to tell your partner that you know this is important to them, and you intend to finish the discussion. Otherwise, they’ll think you’re blowing them off.
The third brain region that lit up in the brain scanner is an area associated with what Dr. Fisher calls positive illusions, which is the ability to overlook what you don’t like about your partner and hyper-focus on what you do like. This may seem like a super-power, but with a daily practice of gratitude (there’s that word again!), you can have this skill too. Gratitude can help you focus on what you love and cherish, and when we bring this to the forefront of our mind, all the other annoyances won’t seem as significant. Every night, I want you and your partner to create a gratitude tradition where you appreciate one thoughtful thing that your partner did that day. It should be small and specific, such as loading the dishes in the dishwasher, or the “I miss you” text they sent while at work. Not only does it feel really wonderful to be genuinely appreciated by your partner, but you’ll notice it quickly begins to change your own behavior, since you’re going out of your way to do something nice for your partner. This gratitude practice can change the entire dynamic in your relationship as you begin to be more mindful of your own actions and the ways in which your partner shows you love. Building on the gratitude practice, there’s actually a magic ratio of 5:1 that Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned couples researcher, identified in which there must be five positive interactions for every negative one. Saying five nice things to your partner daily reduces their cortisol and cholesterol levels and boosts their immune system. So, in deciding whether or not to comment on what’s bugging you, make sure you’ve given your partner plenty of compliments and affection first to balance out the criticism. The couples in this study are a prime example of #relationshipgoals and have abilities we should all strive toward.
Couples who don’t align on everything can absolutely make their relationship work, but they must accept that they can’t change the things they don’t like about their partners. There must be a shift away from defining the relationship by what’s lacking. An ideal match is the perfect partner for you, but is not a perfect person; those don’t exist. Every potential partner will have quirks and qualities that get under your skin or that you’ll bicker over; that’s called being human, so you need to adjust your expectations. One consistent trait of all humans is that we are imperfect; we make mistakes, we act out, we do and say hurtful things, we put ourselves first, we struggle. A relationship is a team made up of two people, therefore it’s inherently imperfect. When you’re with your ideal match it doesn’t mean that you’ll never have a disagreement or that there will be passionate romance 24–7. Finding your ideal match is all about knowing yourself and picking a teammate who complements you in certain areas and balances you in others. You’re striving for the yin to your yang, which does not require either partner to be perfect.
For the perfectionists out there, it’s not about saying, “I found a 90 percent match, but I can do better so I need to find my 100 percent match.” Instead, it’s first and foremost about whether you feel happy the majority of the time. Then, if you’ve determined that the non-ideals aren’t deal breakers, reflect on whether you’re dissatisfied because it feels like settling versus just being part of a team of two imperfect humans. If the goal is perfection, date a robot and good luck getting your emotional needs met! The reason you want to join a team is because the whole is greater than the sum of the parts—our old friend Aristotle was onto something. Can you let go of your partner’s “flaws,” which aren’t actually flaws, but rather qualities and traits that aren’t in alignment with yours or different than your definition of ideal or how you choose to do something? When you choose to overlook and accept what you don’t like, and love them as they are, you can be really happy.
Here are some baseline descriptors for the ideal match scale:
IDEAL MATCH SCALE
100: Soul mate status, you’re two peas in a pod.
90–99: Every day you have grateful and blissful moments.
80–89: You feel connected and generally happy, though a couple of your needs may be unmet.
70–79: Satisfied sometimes, but you question if there’s a better fit out there, since not all of your core values align and your personality traits bump heads.
60–69: You argue frequently or wish you could change major things about your partner.
50–59: You often feel disconnected and have seriously contemplated ending the relationship.
40–49: You have hot sex and share a fun hobby, but that’s about it.
30–39: You probably should not have gone past the first date.
0–29: You deserve better and have some serious soul-searching to do around self-worth and self-esteem.
Actual love, as in unconditional love, doesn’t mean you love everything about the person. It means you don’t need them to be different than they are for you to be happy.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
EXERCISE: REFLECTING ON YOUR IDEAL MATCH SCORE
In your Bounce Back Journal write down where you rate your ex on the scale. Reflect on the following questions:
How do you feel about the score? Does it feel acceptable, or as though you settled or compromised too much?
What would’ve you needed to be different in the relationship in order to give your ex a score that’s ten points closer to an ideal match?
What, if any, were the things you tried to accept about your ex that were actually deal breakers?
Why did you compromise on your deal breakers?
What qualities will your future ideal match have (notice I did not ask you to describe their physical appearance)?
Your ex was not your ideal match. You wouldn’t be in this situation if they were. They may have been good enough at the time, but ultimately what was missing or broken led to the end of the relationship. Zoom out from your current pain to focus on the bigger picture of what you want for yourself and your love life, and repeat after me: “I can do better, I will pick smarter.” This heartbreak is leading you in a positive direction, toward the possibility of an ideal match.
There are some things in life worth settling for, like a vanilla cupcake when the chocolate lava fudge is sold out, but we’re talking about your love life here! Sometimes people choose a partner lower on the scale because they’re in love and unwilling to let go even though it’s not the best match, they struggle with low self-esteem and have felt unlovable their entire lives, or settle for a status “quople” relationship because they fear being alone. I get it. It’s hard to feel hopeful about your love life when your future partner looks like a giant question mark and doesn’t exist in your life yet. It’s a leap of faith—faith in yourself that you deserve more and can achieve it.
Just because your ex was a good fish, doesn’t mean they’re your best catch. I know it’s hard to let them swim away, but it’s time to focus on reeling in a better catch for you. Take some time to recuperate on the shore (I mean that figuratively, but doesn’t a postbreakup beach vacay sound great right about now?), and then get back out there in your fishing boat. You may want to cast a wide net and be open to many new dating experiences if you’re still in the process of figuring out the qualities of an ideal catch, or hook a specific type of fish now that you have more clarity about what you want. We’ll talk about the most important things to look for in a partner in chapter 15.
DEAL BREAKERS
A deal breaker is a fundamental belief, personality trait, or core value that you cannot compromise on and that conflicts with the belief or lifestyle of your partner. An easy example is knowing for a fact that you want to have kids and dating someone who does not. This significantly violates the way in which you want to live your life, and is something important that you should not compromise on. Only you can define your deal breakers. For example, after a long-standing unhealthy relationship with herself and, by extension, the men she welcomed into her life, my dear friend Catherine decided to start loving herself, and therefore set higher standards for the love she was willing to accept from others. She knew she could only be with someone who had a strong sense of spirituality, so she’d ask potential partners whether they believed in God on their first date, and cut them loose if they didn’t share this value. She and her now-husband connected on their spiritual beliefs on their first date.
Deal breakers shouldn’t be trivial issues, such as how your partner chews their food or hating the emoji they insert at the end of their texts. In total honesty here, I was really turned off when my husband and I were first getting to know each other and he texted me “Sweet dreamz :-)” Ugh. I stared at that “z” and ugly smiley face and questioned if this was really the guy I was meant to be with. Imagine if I’d ended it right there, what a monumental mistake that would’ve been. This was not a deal breaker. I also used to get really annoyed that he’s messy and doesn’t clean up after himself (I’m also guilty of doing the exact same thing, so perhaps I’m projecting here), but the point is that although this issue isn’t ideal, it doesn’t violate the ways in which I need to live my life. Would I like my house to be a little more organized? Sure, but it’s not one of my core values, so I had to consciously put this issue in the accept bucket when I picked him as my life partner. There are some nights I have to consciously choose to overlook the sink piled up with dishes and focus on what I love and appreciate about him.
It’s up to you to define your deal breakers and decide if you can accept your new partner as is without compromising on your core values. When trying to figure out what differences and grievances you can accept, ask yourself if it conflicts with the vision you have for your life. Can you be flexible on this issue, or is it unwavering? How does it impact you? Does it play into your shame story and validate your old framework of emotional injuries that you’re trying to rewrite? Will you feel like you’re not honoring your own values and needs by compromising and accepting your partner’s way of doing things? As you know, compromise is an important skill required to be in a relationship. At times you’ll need to put your partner’s wants first. Yet, there’s a big difference between compromising on where to eat dinner or what movie to watch than dating someone who loves trophy hunting when you’re an animal rights activist. When we’re talking about core values, “settling” is a breeding ground for resentment. Do some soul-searching and hold steadfast to what’s most important to you.
Just because I use the phrase “ideal match,” doesn’t mean there’s only one possible person out there for you. An ideal match is someone who makes you feel the most like yourself. I believe you can be an ideal match with multiple people, since there are a ton of fabulous options out there in the world. You have to be an expert on yourself to be able to snag that special someone. Your core values may shift over time with life experience, or through your dating experiences something may become more or less important to you. You can’t recognize an ideal match until you know and understand yourself. By dating with intent, you can figure out where each date falls on your own ideal match scale.
I want your experience in picking a partner to be an active, conscious decision, instead of something you fall into. The worst thing you can do is be impulsive about the process. For instance, let’s pretend you’re at the mall and see a pair of stunning stilettos with sky-high heels. You snatch them up immediately; you’ve always wanted a pair like these. You fantasize about all of the times you’ll wear them, how fantastic they’ll look on you and how they’ll make you feel like a rock star. You make a quick impulse purchase. But once you get home and put them on, you realize how inflexible and uncomfortable they are. They don’t provide enough support and keep rubbing you the wrong way. You start to blister, but continue to wear them because you love them and you paid a lot for them. You’re hoping to break them in to fit your foot, but you realize they’ll never fit exactly the way you want them to. This is like impulsively choosing a partner because of intense physical attraction and chemistry, or a fantasy of how you’d be together, even though in reality they’re not as comfortable and seamless a fit as expected. They could be a wonderful shoe, but if you choose wrong, you’ll wind up hurt with emotional blisters.
I don’t want to create a black-and-white rule by giving you a number on the ideal match scale and telling you to never remain in a partnership with someone who falls below a circumscribed number. You need to identify that number for yourself. Where are your standards? Do they reflect the best version of you; the one in which you love yourself and honor your values? Each relationship will have its own unique set of challenges; however, what I’m trying to hit home is that with the right partner you’ll feel like you’re winning at love because of everything that an ideal match represents. Make the most of your fresh start. When you honor the best version of yourself, you won’t put up with anyone low on your scale.
As if you don’t have enough to consider, I’m going to throw one more large, mind-blowing concept at you. When I talk about core values, a good portion of that is nurture, not nature. Your background—how you were raised, your culture and ethnicity, socioeconomic status, interpersonal relationships—has a big impact on your values and lifestyle. But even when you’re handed a partner who checks off all of these boxes, sometimes you’re still not attracted to them. So what’s missing? It’s important that we don’t ignore nature, our biological underpinnings. Our traits of temperament are linked to certain genes, hormones, and neurotransmitter systems, and thanks to science and technology we now know that they play a big role in our love lives. Dr. Helen Fisher’s extensive research has led her to identify four personality types that correlate with attraction and who we choose to love. Basically, nature plays a significant role too.
According to Fisher, we each have a primary and secondary type of thinking and behaving that guides us in choosing a romantic partner. Roughly 50 percent of the variations in our personality are due to biology, which are heritable and stable throughout our life. Fisher developed the Fisher Temperament Inventory, and assessed responses from over one hundred thousand singles, as well as conducted brain scan studies to determine that the four brain systems (based on the hormones dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen) are associated with different personality types. Let’s look briefly at the four different types, but I highly recommend you read Fisher’s book Why Him? Why Her? and take the test yourself so that you can more thoroughly learn about your type and who you might be attracted to. It’s simply fascinating. For instance, have you ever heard the saying “opposites attract”? Fisher found this to be true, but just for two of the four types, which I’ve noted below:
Explorers (dopamine): curious, energetic, spontaneous, impulsive, novelty-seeking, creative, self-reliant, and sexual. Explorers tend to be drawn to other Explorers, who are animated and energetic and likely have an expressive face. They seek an entertaining playmate, and can find self-disclosure difficult, so they deflect with humor.
Builders (serotonin): traditional, calm, cautious, persistent, literal, loyal, social, managerial, cooperative, respectful, and modest. Builders tend to be drawn to other Builders, and are attracted to someone who looks more conservative, with less makeup and a traditional haircut. They have clear values, are dependable, have good manners, and like to keep a schedule. Builders seek a helpmate, someone stable, predictable, and a team player. They like to be social and are community-oriented.
Directors (testosterone): competitive, direct, tough-minded, bold, focused, inventive, decisive, analytical, and strategic. Directors are more frequently men (but Hillary Clinton is a good example of a female Director), with a take-charge attitude. They tend to have angular faces, chiseled jaws, wide shoulders, and a deep voice.
Directors do best with Negotiators. They’re attracted to a mind mate, someone with a similar intellect and shared goals, who is more social and emotionally expressive.
Negotiators (estrogen): empathetic, imaginative, trusting, emotionally expressive, affectionate, agreeable, introspective, loquacious, and intuitive. They tend to have big eyes, a round face, and full lips. Negotiators do best with Directors, and they crave a deep personal connection. They seek the intimacy of a soul mate and work hard to promote harmony in a relationship. Negotiators may be the most deeply hurt by rejection.
The way you find love after a breakup may even be unique to your personality type—something to consider as you bounce back. Fisher posits that Explorers thrive on change and novel situations in which they’re optimistic and flexible, leading them to notice new people. Builders like stability, so they may seek out a new partner during this stressful time. Directors like to feel useful and needed, so they help others around them and may stumble upon new love. Negotiators become anxious, so they reach out to others to build deep connections.
As you begin to date again, it’s important to recognize that although you may share many core values with a new suitor, you could have conflicting personality traits that may impair your connection and ultimately lead to the downfall of your relationship. We’ll share core values with many people, but they can’t all be an ideal match for us even so. Use this information to create the best partnership possible for you.
You deserve more than to settle when you’re unhappy or when there are significant value or personality differences that cause chronic problems. Major signs you’re not dating your ideal match are if you don’t like yourself in the relationship, or if you’re constantly criticizing your partner and hoping they will change. My mother, the wisest woman I know, once told me that you should be with the person that you want to change the least. I’ll say that again, since I just dropped a serious wisdom bomb: Be with the person that you want to change the least. It takes life experience to realize the value in this statement. That’s because when you’ve only dated one or two people, you have nothing to compare it to, and you may try to force a relationship to work that would be best to leave. It’s difficult to figure out if you’re being too demanding, what your values are, and whether you’re compromising too much, especially if you allow your old destructive assumptions and negative internalized beliefs to rule your dating choices. The good thing is you’re no longer going to sell yourself short. With the increased self-awareness and insight you’ve gained and your new adult narrative that you’re worthy and deserving of love, you’re going to firmly label your deal breakers so that you don’t minimize your wants, needs, goals, and values. Your more ideal match is out there.