Chapter 6
Be Present
Being present is the starting point of being a mindful leader. Essentially, this means being in the present moment regardless of circumstances. Most people are locked in their minds and unable to give full attention to what's happening right now. They are either reliving the past, wishing it had been different, or experiencing anxiety about the future, worrying about what might be. But both of these waste time and energy.
The reality is, the past is gone, never to be recaptured or corrected, and the future has not yet happened. The past is merely a memory and, in all likelihood, not a very accurate one at that. And you may have noticed that most of the things you have worried about in your life have never happened. But, typically, you don't notice they haven't happened because as soon as that worry is gone, you're on to the next one. Worry is a habit of the mind. The more you worry, the deeper the habit. In some people, worry can also be a form of superstition—that is, if you worry, you are somehow warding off the possibility of something going wrong. But we know that logically this is faulty thinking.
Have you ever noticed that if five people experience a situation, there will be five versions of what took place? How could that be? They were all there. But were they really? If those present have not trained their minds to be in the present moment, they are unlikely to be, and certainly won't be for any significant period. Instead, they are reliving or recreating the past or fantasizing about the future.
Combine this lack of focus with the fact that we experience reality based on our biases, judgments, patterns, and hindrances, and it is no surprise that we have misunderstandings in so many interactions in our professional and personal lives. Every situation can be improved if the participants are fully present. In fact, being present is the greatest gift you can give another person. When you are right here right now, you see things for what they really are. Often the reason we leave the present moment is because we have a disagreement with it, we are not okay with what is. We would prefer that it be another way. This resistance, or lack of equanimity with the present moment, leads to problems for us and others.
But the reality is that life happens right now only. If you are not present, you have missed life and will never recapture that loss. Inattention can mean you miss hearing what was said at a meeting or seeing the expression on the face of someone you love. And like every skill, the less we practice it, the less we are able to do it—to the point where there comes a time when we cannot have presence of mind despite our efforts.
When you are present, you are able to have mindful interactions throughout your day, and these are critical to your success as a leader. People look to see if their leaders are truly there or just faking it. When you are “not there,” people will interpret according to their own biases. They may think you don't agree with them, or that what they are saying is not important, or, worse, that they are not important. Picture this: You are in a business planning meeting, and rather than listening to someone's presentation with undivided attention, you are looking at your BlackBerry or excusing yourself to take calls. What does that signal to the presenter and others in the meeting? In its extreme, the interpretation could be “My division is in trouble” or “I am no longer a valued member of the team.” This sentiment is not likely to generate the best performance from your team.
Now picture listening intently. Listening intently actually prompts the person who is speaking to be on his or her toes. It puts you in a position to ask pertinent questions. And the more skilled you become at being present, the more you hone your intuition and know what to ask and when to ask it. You can tell if someone is withholding information or just not adequately prepared. And it does not come from your biases but from seeing things as they really are.
Being a mindful listener simply means that when you are in a position to listen, you are completely listening to and observing the speaker and the reaction of others to the speaker and to what is being said. Truly being present like this makes you more effective and efficient. One thing that mindful people often report is that meetings take significantly less time than they once did. For example, as a mindful listener you are less likely to require others to repeat themselves. And because you've been listening, you know the facts and you can make appropriate decisions in a timely manner.
Being a mindful speaker means that you stick to the point and stay on message, while observing how others are taking in what you are communicating. By observing as you speak, you are able to clarify on the spot if required. You are able to see if you have buy-in and where and who your greatest challenges are likely to be. When you are in a position to speak, speaking mindfully means you say only what is necessary—no more, no less. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. You will notice that when people do not speak mindfully, they ramble, they repeat themselves, and they go off on tangents. Sometimes they might even say, “Where was I going with that?”
Mindful listening and mindful speech are among the most valuable skills to develop and cultivate as a leader. Let's return to the example of participating in a meeting. (The same would, of course, apply if you were having a conversation with your partner or a friend, say, or a child.) If you are in a position to listen, use both sound and sight. Listen to the words, tone, inflection, and conviction. Watch the body language of the speaker and the audience. By combining both sound and sight, you will not only pick up the content of what is being communicated but will also develop your intuition, which will enable you to pick up what is not said too. This in turn enables you to ask questions and probe at the right moment, so that you have the clearest and most accurate understanding of what the communicator really means. This is very helpful, because many people do not communicate clearly.
If you catch your thoughts wandering off as you try to listen mindfully, very gently bring yourself back. This is about training your mind to be in the present moment. You may need to do this dozens or even hundreds of times. “Wandering off” can refer to being distracted and thinking about your next meeting or your tee-off time, or it can refer to getting caught up in your judgments, thinking of what you will say next, or dismissing what is said because you don't agree. In all cases, just come right back. Be patient with yourself and be persistent. One thing my clients consistently report is that when they and their teams work in this way, there are fewer interruptions and team members don't cut one another off or finish others' sentences.
Mindful speech refers to being very aware of the way in which you communicate. One of the most effective ways of training yourself to speak mindfully is to listen to the sound of your own voice. At first this can seem odd and a little uncomfortable, almost the way it felt when you heard your voice recorded for the first time. But it is incredibly effective in helping you stay on message. You will find that in time it will help you to speak from a place of wisdom. The voice of wisdom or presence sounds very different from a regular voice that is not speaking mindfully. There is a quality of sincerity and openness to the voice. If you start to ramble or go off message or topic, you will notice right away and you can just come right back to the present moment.
When you first practice mindful speech, it may appear that it's all you can do—it seems to take all your energy and focus. However, it will become easier. In time you will notice that you are very aware of others in the room and how your message is being perceived and interpreted. You will see who is buying-in and who is doubtful or uncommitted. In conversation with someone you will notice how what you are saying and how you are saying it is impacting that person.
Mindful listening and speaking are very powerful ways to communicate and can reduce or eliminate misunderstandings. My experience is that, where mindful listening and speaking are practiced, meetings and the overall work environment are more relaxed, open, and productive, engendering greater trust among employees because they know everyone will be heard. This does not mean that everyone agrees. What it does mean is that everyone's views are respected and heard. When this happens, disagreements are less likely to be taken personally because the focus is on what is said, not on who is saying it. On a personal level, mindful communication enables those you interact with to know that you accept them and love them unconditionally. What they say will be heard with little or no judgment. It creates the opportunity to hear things that may normally be withheld or sugarcoated. Overall it makes for deeper, more authentic relationships.
You can see how being a mindful listener and mindful speaker applies to every aspect of leadership, professionally and personally. Whether you are making a board presentation, meeting with the analyst community, listening to clients, managing conflict, doing a performance review, mentoring a member of your team, or developing strategy, developing your ability to be present is critical.
Mindful Makeover
The Scenario
You are on the phone with your biggest customer, who is unhappy, and you think you may lose this key account.
Before
A common reaction is to become fearful that you will lose your biggest customer. As this thought enters your mind, you stop listening to what he is telling you. Instead, you think about what losing the account will do to your numbers and your reputation, and how it will be impossible to make up the financial loss in the short term, and you worry that you may never be able to make this shortfall up in a competitive market.
No matter how long your customer speaks, you won't hear anything he says. You'll be locked in your mind and not in the moment. The client doesn't feel listened to—because you're not listening.
After
A mindful leader hears exactly what is being said. You are present and stay in the moment. You understand that your biggest customer is extremely dissatisfied and that you are at risk of losing the account. You use mindful listening so that you hear his words and tone. You are so present that you hear what is being said and also, potentially, what is intended but not articulated. You also use mindful speech so that you can clarify what you are hearing. You hear your own voice and know, moment by moment, if it has an edge, if you are staying on message, if you are being defensive.
Rather than getting lost in your worries and missing what your client is saying, you have a mindful conversation. This means you can pick up what is truly bothering the client, and you can identify opportunities for corrective action. The only way you can effectively do this is by being fully present.
You can train yourself in a systematic way to be present. In Chapter 3 I talked about a technique called External Awareness (review that chapter for the specific details of the technique). It involves being aware of three things: your body, the sights you can see, and the sounds you can hear.
The Body
The body exists only in the present. Any concept that you have of how your body once felt is memory; any concept of how it will feel in the future is a projection or fantasy. Right here right now is all there is. That is why the body is so helpful in bringing you back to the present moment. It is a gift as close as your fingertips or your breath. The breath is another way of becoming aware of your body in the present moment. You breathe in and breathe out and you are right here.
Sight
What you can see with your eyes open exists only in the present. If you recall where people were seated at a meeting after the meeting is over, that is no longer sight; that is a memory, an image in your mind's eye. As every artist knows, even if you stay in the same place, moment by moment the light is changing. A canvas painted at 9 a.m. in one location will look quite different from one painted at 3 p.m. in the same location. Sight exists only in the present.
Sound
Sound too exists only in the present. If you are listening to someone speak or listening to a beautiful piece of music, it's happening right here and now. If later you replay the person's words in your mind or are playing the music in your head, that too is a memory and is considered internal talk.
Remember, the objective is not to become skilled at formal meditation for its own sake. The true prize is in being able to be mindful moment by moment as you move through your day, whether you are in a critical meeting, walking down the street, on the golf course, on a treadmill, or playing ball with your child.
Strategies for Mindfulness in Action
In order to be more and more mindful, you need to train yourself throughout the day. I have found that the clients I coach make tremendous progress when they actively work with mindfulness-in-action strategies. I discussed this briefly in Chapter 3 and will go into more detail here using various examples.
There is the opportunity for mindful listening and mindful speaking for a large part of your waking hours. That is why I consider mindful listening and mindful speaking to be the cornerstone of developing the skill of being present. In addition to interacting with people, opportunities for being present include walking down the street, driving a car, working out, listening to music, playing a game of bridge, tennis, or a round of golf.
For example, as you walk down the street, become aware of your body. Notice how your feet touch the ground, how your arms swing at your sides, how the air feels on your face. Now become aware of what you see. (After doing this, many people report noticing buildings and details they completely missed for years.) Finally, tune in to what you hear. It may be the sounds of birds as you walk through a park or the sounds of the city, including the honking of cars. There is a sense of aliveness when you are present as you walk.
Driving is also an excellent way to practice being present. Become aware of the contour of your body in the seat, your hands on the steering wheel—this is your body in that present moment. Now become aware of what you see in front of you, in your periphery, in the rearview mirror. Listen to the sounds of the traffic, music, or voices on the radio. Working with the three areas of focus—your body, sights, and sounds—is the safest way to drive because you are completely aware of what is arising in the moment. It enables you to more effectively anticipate some of the mindless driving we are all subjected to. And it may help prevent an accident. What you will find when you are driving mindfully is that you are more likely to arrive at your destination relaxed rather than tense. And if you spend a great deal of your time on the road, it is a wonderful opportunity to practice mindfulness in action and hone your skill by training your mind.
The same applies when you are working out. Become completely aware of how your muscles feel as you lift the weights or as you run. The body is a real miracle, and to be conscious of how you are working with it and developing it can be truly satisfying. By being present when you lift a weight, for instance, you are more able to judge if the weight is too light, too heavy, or just right for that particular workout. You no longer exercise by rote, but rather by being in constant dialogue with your body and its needs—not what your mind or ego want. And if you think you need a break from that much focus on your body as you work out, be aware of the body sufficiently so that you do not cause any harm. If you are running outside, be aware of the sights and the sounds around you. If indoors, perhaps you can enjoy some music you really love.
Mindfulness is critical in playing golf, tennis, soccer, running a marathon, or participating in any other sport, and is a broad subject encompassing various techniques. But suffice to say here that you are likely to consistently perform better when you are present. You'll derive the greatest pleasure because you'll be able to enjoy your good shots or passes and not let your bad shots or misses dictate the rest of the round or game. You'll learn that once a shot or kick is over, it's over, and you'll be able to move on to your next shot or the next pass. This way you start fresh each moment, and your body is more likely to be relaxed.
Often when people first start to work with me, they ask why being present matters. They ask because they do some of their best thinking when they walk or when they drive, and they don't think they can afford to give up this time to be present. They are also concerned that if they focus only on the present, they will be unable to plan for the future. These are valid and legitimate concerns and come from a place of incomplete understanding about what it means to be mindful or present. Mindfulness is about being conscious, awake in the moment, no matter what you are doing. So when you are planning, you plan for the future—in the present without distractions. It makes you better able to plan. If you are walking and wish to think, that is a conscious act. You have made a decision to think. That is fine. I'm not trying to eliminate thinking per se; I merely want you to be conscious about what you're doing. So when you wish to think, think; when you wish to walk, walk; and when you decide to plan, plan. You will find that by being conscious you are much more effective and efficient. Eventually, with practice, you will find that you don't do anything twice. This will give you extra time, to do with as you choose.
Thinking itself is not the enemy as long as it is a conscious decision. It only becomes a problem when it happens all day—when you find that an hour has gone by and you have been lost in thought, either gripped by the past or worrying about the future, and you have not heard what others have said to you or noticed that your child has just scored a goal. Unless you train yourself to be in the present moment, you will find it harder and harder to be present. Without training your mind, you have less and less choice to be present. Again, this is about training your mind so that it does not control you.
Another thing that you will notice as you become more present is that you will think less, but the right answers and opportunities will come to you more readily. Eventually, you'll live from a place of intuition, a place of wisdom. Now, if this statement strikes you as going too far, think about the last time you had a truly brilliant thought or resolved a really tough issue. Did you actually think your way through it or did it arise spontaneously, almost out of nowhere? Most people will report that they were in the shower or walking down the street when the answer just came to them. That is what I am referring to. With training you will be more and more able to do this at will. What needs to be said comes out at the right time because you are so present that “you” are actually absent. In fact, that is how I wrote this book. It is about eventually living in a state of grace. We all have vast reservoirs—in fact, infinite reservoirs—of wisdom, and the more present you are, the more you are able to tap into this wisdom. But doing so requires training. Everyone is capable of this; it just takes motivation and good techniques—and the mindfulness-in-action strategies are very effective and quick ways to train.