The village of Yankton had the feel of a boomtown. Steamships traveling along the Missouri had swelled the population of the town. There were numerous thriving business, and Nolan even spotted a photography studio along one of the bustling streets.
The cavalry had taken up residence in the stockade built in the Dakota War of 1862. The enormous stockade had been built to house the settlers from surrounding areas. Since the attacks had never manifested, the stockade remained in good repair. Captain Ronald pointed out the territorial capitol building on their trip to the fort. The building was an uninspiring white two-story structure located at Fourth and Capitol Streets.
The evening after Nolan and the rest of the group arrived in Yankton, the fort hosted an impromptu celebration. He was reluctant to attend, but the captain was insistent. Nolan withdrew some money from the bank, surprised at how much the balance had grown. That afternoon he went into town and purchased a new suit. The kindly proprietor rushed the alterations.
By now, most of the town had heard about the outlaws, and they were eager to hear Nolan’s story. The townspeople treated him as though he was a hero, and he quickly ducked away from their regard. He hadn’t done anything that anyone else wouldn’t have done.
That evening he took extra care with his appearance. He planned on leaving for the Wyoming Territory the following day. He’d already wired his superiors at Pioneer Stagecoach and let them know about the town. He’d miss Bill and English Bob and the others, but the time had come for him to move on.
The mess hall teemed with the people, and he paused on the threshold. The Dakota Territory was growing with the steamship business, bringing scores of settlers. Since here were few enough reasons to celebrate most days, it appeared as though everyone within miles had turned out for the party.
Wearing his full dress uniform and holding a glass of punch, the captain approached him. “I brought your money.”
Nolan plucked a thread from his lapel. “What money?”
“For the capture of the outlaws.”
Captain Ronald named a sum that had Nolan frowning.
“I think you’ve made a mistake.”
“That’s the sum. A fellow could make a good living in the city on that amount of money.”
“I’ve never been one for the city,” Nolan said. “A man like me needs open spaces.”
“Suit yourself.”
“What about Snyder?” Nolan asked. “Has he been caught?”
“He’s been captured. He barely it made it across the river. The flooding on that side was worse. It was either drown or be caught. He decided to finish out his jail term.”
“I hope the judge goes easy on him. He was the only one who showed us any mercy.”
“I’ll make certain the judge is aware of your feelings. You’re quite a hero around these parts. Your word means a lot.”
Nolan’s face heated. “You would have done the same for Eleanor.”
“Without pause.”
The captain spotted Eleanor and his face softened. “If you ever pass through Wichita, stop by for a visit. We’re friends now, I think.”
“We are.”
“Then wish me well.” The captain raised his glass. “I have a very important announcement to make.”
Tilly’s sister was glowing. The girls had been scrubbed clean and wore matching pink dresses with white sashes. Elizabeth had a smudge on her hem already. They crowded around him and he dutifully exclaimed over the ribbons in their braided hair and their satin bows.
Their mother soon gathered them near.
He caught sight of Tilly before she spotted him, and he took the chance to admire her. She’d swept her head into a crisscross of braids atop her head that revealed the enticing curve of the nape of her neck. She wore a dress in a vivid shade of blue that brought out the lustre in her eyes. His heart swelled. She caught his gaze as the captain raised his glass.
“If I could have your attention, please,” the captain called, one arm wrapped around Eleanor’s waist. “I’d like to make an announcement. This beautiful lady has agreed to be my wife.”
The room erupted into whoops and hollers. Eleanor blushed and kissed his cheek. The girls crowded around them. He felt an odd pang in his chest. The girls had already transferred their attention to the captain. He caught himself. They hadn’t transferred their attention, they’d shared their affection.
Nolan wove through the crowd until he found Tilly. “Isn’t that rather sudden?”
“Yes.” She reached for a glass of lemonade. “The captain was smitten.”
“What about Eleanor?”
Despite his words, he was more interested in hearing how Tilly felt about the marriage.
“I think she likes him. I believe she’ll even grow to love him. Living with Walter’s parents was never an ideal solution, but she didn’t have another choice. Now she does.”
“What will you do?”
“I’m going with her to Wichita. Just until the girls are settled.”
His eyebrows shot up. “But what about New York? What will happen to all the widows and orphans?”
“They’ll find assistance without me, I’m sure. Having spent time with my nieces these past few weeks, I don’t want to be away from them. I’m tired of making decisions based on what I don’t want. I want to make decisions based on what I do want.”
“I’m happy for you, Tilly.”
“What will you do?”
“I’ll move farther west. It’s what I always planned.”
“You said your father lives in Cimarron Springs.”
“Yes.”
“If you ever pass through Wichita on your way to Cimarron Springs, I’d enjoy seeing you.”
“And I you.” He paused. “They’ve given me the reward for the outlaws. I’d like you to have it.”
Her eyes grew red. “You don’t have to pay me off. I won’t ask anything of you.”
“No.” Regret immediately engulfed him. “That’s not what I meant at all.”
“I’m fine, Nolan. You don’t have to worry about me or take care of me. I don’t know what my future holds. Not exactly. And you know what? I don’t care. I’m going to spend the rest of my life starting things that I never finish and I’m not going to care what people think.”
Someone bumped against him and murmured an apology. The skin beneath his collar itched and his palms grew damp. There were too many people in too small of a space. He needed some fresh air, but he didn’t want to leave Tilly just yet. Not when their time together was growing to a close.
He wouldn’t live out his life with her. He’d probably never see her after today, but he’d been fortunate to call her a friend for this span of time. He’d been fortunate to love her.
He tugged on his collar. “I can’t change, Tilly. You know that.”
“I never asked you to change.” A sad smile lifted the corners of her mouth. “My sister can be an unmitigated pain, and the captain adores her. The problem isn’t counting plates or arranging your tools. The problem is that you can’t accept who you are.”
“Tilly...” The word hovered on the tip of his tongue. “It’s not that easy.”
“You’ll be all right, Nolan West. As long as you’re kind to yourself, you’ll be just fine.”
His throat closed, preventing from saying anything more than a gruff, “Goodbye.”
She pressed a kiss against his cheek. “Goodbye.”
He watched her walk away, and the crowd swallowed her.
His chest seized.
He’d done the right thing.
Then why did everything feel so wrong?
* * *
Tilly rested her hand on her chin and stared out the window. She didn’t regret moving to Cimarron Springs, even though she sometimes felt foolish living in the same town as Nolan’s father without ever introducing herself. She didn’t know what she’d say, or how she’d explain herself.
After Eleanor and the girls had settled in Wichita, she’d been a third wheel. Captain Ronald’s family was more than comfortable, they were wealthy. The captain hadn’t shared that particular tidbit of information with Eleanor, and she’d been furious at first, but her temper had quickly faded.
While Captain Ronald clearly adored Eleanor, Tilly had noticed that her sister more than returned the affection. She’d caught Eleanor staring at the captain when he wasn’t looking. She’d seen the blush of color dusting her sister’s cheeks when the captain looked in her direction.
Eleanor had made her own choice, and it was clear she didn’t regret her actions. Their father had taken their move with his usual aplomb. He’d always preferred his solitude, and he didn’t seem to mind the absence of his two daughters.
When she’d grown restless in Wichita, she’d asked the captain to help her find work. A friend of a friend had gotten her work at the post office in Cimarron Springs and a room in the boardinghouse.
All in all she was content. Lonely. But content.
A knock sounded and the boardinghouse proprietress peered into the room. “You have a visitor.”
Tilly heart jolted. She stood and smoothed her dress. “Who?”
“An older gentleman.”
Her brief spark of hope faded. “I’ll be right down.”
She checked her appearance in the looking glass and descended the stairs.
Tilly met the bearded gentleman in the parlor. She couldn’t recall ever meeting him before, and her confusion increased. He stood and doffed his hat.
“My name is Jericho West. I believe you know my son.”
Tilly’s step faltered before she took the gentleman’s proffered hand. “I met your son, yes. How is he?”
“Well, I suppose. He wrote to me recently. He doesn’t do that very often. He mentioned your name. He asked, well, he asked me to check on you.”
“That’s very kind of you. And kind of your son.” Tilly gestured. “Won’t you have seat?”
The man took an awkward seat on the edge of a chair while she sent for coffee and refreshments.
He cleared his throat. “Imagine my surprise when I traveled to Wichita, only to discover you were living right under my nose.”
“Oh, dear.” Of course Nolan would have assumed she was living in Wichita. That’s where she’d planned to stay the last time they’d spoken. “I hope you weren’t inconvenienced.”
“Not at all, no.” Jericho rested his hat on his knee and fumbled with the brim. “He’s always been whip smart. Neither his mother nor I had much schooling, and we couldn’t give Nolan much schooling, either. There was too much work to be done on the farm. When the war broke out, he warned me. He told me that we were sitting on the wrong side of history. I didn’t understand. No one ever thinks they’re on the losing side of history, do they?”
“I suppose not.” Tilly stared at her clenched hands. Nolan had made his choice. He’d chosen his solitude. “I’m not certain why you’re telling me all of this.”
“He fought because he’s honorable. After the war, I moved to Kansas to be near my sister. Nolan came home to live with me, and I could see that he’d changed. I didn’t understand. I was hard on him. I wanted him to be the same boy he was before the war because I was selfish. I didn’t want to face my own guilt.”
Mr. West’s eyes grew red around the rims.
Tilly blinked rapidly. “You don’t have to say any more.”
“I do. I do have to finish. I didn’t want to see him suffering because I knew I was responsible. He fought because of me—he fought for a cause he didn’t entirely believe in. Seeing him every day was eating me up with guilt. Instead of helping him, I drove him away. I made him think there was something wrong with him, when really there was something wrong with me.” Mr. West retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and swiped at his nose. “When he mentioned you in his letter, I came straight away. It’s the first thing he’s asked of me since he was released from Rock Island. You see?”
“Yes. I think so.”
Mr. West clearly loved and missed his son, and she sympathized with his dilemma.
“Why are you here?” Jericho asked. “Why are you in Cimarron Springs and not Wichita?”
“Because I didn’t have any place else to go, and this is the closest I could be to Nolan while my heart mended.”
Jericho brushed at his eyes. “I hoped so. I hoped you’d say that.”
“It doesn’t do us a lot of good, does it? He’s never coming home.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Jericho reached for his hand. “But if he does come, at least he’ll have someone to welcome him.”
Tilly took the older man’s hand. She’d be fine if Nolan never returned. She’d discovered her own strength, and she didn’t mind the solitude anymore. She’d looked inside herself and seen something worth nurturing. She was no longer afraid of being alone. She was no longer compelled to live up to someone else’s idea of who she should be and what she should do.
Despite her newfound strength, she mourned the loss of her friendship with Nolan. Jericho was offering her a chance to know someone who understood what she was feeling. They were both healing from the loss of someone they loved. At least they could heal together.
“If he ever decides to come home.” She squeezed Jericho’s fingers. “We’ll be here for him.”
* * *
Weary from traveling, Nolan thought his eyes must be deceiving him. He rubbed them with the heels of his hands and looked again.
Tilly glanced over her shoulder and her eyes widened. “You startled me. I wasn’t expecting you.”
His pulse thrummed. He felt as though he’d stumbled into a dream. A dream he’d been having since the day he left Yankton. A dream where Tilly wandered through the spaces of his heart.
Since nothing made sense, he said the first thing that came to mind, “Who were you expecting?”
He glanced around, but he was in the right place. This was his father’s home. The house was exactly the same as he’d left it. The kerosene lamp was the same, the rag rug was the same, even the crooked framed sampler his mother had stitched was the same.
Yet Tilly stood before him, her bluebell eyes twinkling. “Your father, of course.”
“Tilly, what are you doing here?”
The change of events was too abrupt. His mind couldn’t keep up with the frantic beating of his heart.
“It’s a long story,” she said. “Perhaps your father should tell you.”
She set a package on the counter and turned.
Still mute and stunned by the encounter, he let her slip past him.
She’d nearly reached the door when he discovered his voice.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
He felt as though she’d disappear forever if he let her out of his sight, even for a moment.
“Home.”
“Home?” he asked. “This is your home?”
“Cimarron Springs is my home now. I’ve been working at the post office for the past several weeks. There was a package from Wells Fargo for your father today, and I decided to deliver it myself. I was hoping to speak with him, but as you can see, he isn’t home yet.”
She stepped outside and inhaled deeply. “I love the smell of burning leaves, don’t you?”
“Yes.” Dusk was falling and he searched for a pony cart or some other means of conveyance. “It’s several miles to town. Did you walk?”
“I did. There’s a shortcut over the stream.”
He scrambled to form a lucid thought. “Let me walk with you.”
“I’m fine on my own. I walk the distance almost every day.”
“I insist.”
“All right then, if you insist.”
“I do.”
She slipped her arm through the crook of his elbow, and he felt the shock of her touch all the way to his toes. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized how much he missed her, how much he truly loved her.
She smiled at him as they walked. “Beautiful weather we’re having.”
A thousand questions danced on the tip of his tongue. “How long have you been living in Cimarron Springs?” he asked.
“Three months. I traveled with Captain Ronald and Eleanor to Wichita, but you can imagine the difficulties. They’re newlyweds, after all. I helped them settle in and spent some time with the girls. I’d already moved here when your father came to call.”
Part of the reason for her appearance at his father’s house fell into place. “I asked him to check in on you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all. We struck up a friendship. What about you? How have you been?”
His throat tightened. Why hadn’t his father written him about their growing friendship? Why had they excluded him?
Nolan swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I’m well.”
“Your father says that you’ve been traveling.”
“I have.”
“Anyplace interesting?”
“No place I wanted to stay.” He paused. She was behaving casually, as though they hadn’t been through torment together. Not knowing what else to do, he mimicked her casual talk. “Then Eleanor and Captain Ronald have found happiness?”
“Yes. It’s work, mind you. They’re both used to getting their way.” She held her bonnet with her free hand and tipped her head to the sky. “I’m coming by your father’s tomorrow to help with his garden. I hope I’ll see you.”
“Tilly. What’s happening here?”
This wasn’t right. None of this was right. She wasn’t supposed to be here. He’d planned on living with his father for a while. He’d planned on trying to explain why he’d left before, and why he’d come back. He hadn’t planned on meeting Tilly in his father’s kitchen, and all his carefully erected plans crumbled.
Her smile was serene. “Nothing is happening here. Absolutely nothing.”
His stomach twisted. Certainly her presence meant something. Certainly there was hope for them if she’d moved to the one place he might someday return to.
“Why were you at my father’s house?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “Why are you in Cimarron Springs?”
“I told you. I was at your father’s house delivering a package. Your father and I are friends.”
Had her feelings for him been deeper than he thought? Or was he reading the situation all wrong.
“Unusual friends,” he prodded.
“Not so unusual if you really think about it. We both love the same person. Having something in common is often how friendships begin.”
His footsteps halted. She’d spoken the most precious words he’d ever heard. But he couldn’t let her stay here. He couldn’t let her waste her life on something that was never to be. More than once he’d thought of making the trip to Wichita, and more than once he’d stopped himself. He’d finally returned home to seek his father’s advice.
“You can’t love me, Tilly,” he said. “I’m not right, and I don’t think I ever will be. I’ve tried everything. This is who I am.”
Her gaze was peaceful and unmoved. “I know.”
“And that doesn’t bother you?”
“Yes. Of course it bothers me. It bothers me because it bothers you.”
“I can’t subject you to the sort of life I live. You deserve better. I don’t want you to become like me.”
“I think we could both move closer to the center of things.”
“People will talk,” he said. “They’ll talk about me. Which means, in turn, they’ll talk about you.”
The edges of her mouth drooped. “Do you think so little of me that you don’t suppose I can tolerate a little gossip?”
This wasn’t going at all as he’d expected. She was countering his words at every turn. “I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“You haven’t insulted me, you’ve hurt my feelings.”
A lump formed in his throat. “I didn’t mean to do that, either.”
She faced him and clasped his hands, her gaze earnest. “I know that you mourn the man you were before the war, but I don’t, because I didn’t know that man. I can’t mourn for someone I never met. I know this man. I fell in love with the man standing before me.”
He didn’t dare breathe. He didn’t dare hope. “Life with me would not be easy.”
“Life is sloppy and messy and nothing ever turns out the way we suppose. I don’t need someone who is perfect. I’m not perfect, either. If I married someone perfect, I’d simply feel as though I was under Eleanor’s rule once more, and I’m through living like that. I don’t know what you were like before the war, but, according to your father, you weren’t without flaws.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t want your love to turn to disgust.”
“Love is not finding the perfect person with the perfect smile and the perfect disposition. Love is finding the beauty in someone’s flaws and imperfections. Love is finding someone who is willing to accept you as you are and grow together with you. I won’t be the same person in a day, or a week, or a month. I’m not done becoming the person I want to be.”
She didn’t understand. “You’d be better off with someone normal,” he said.
“I have spent the better part of my life running away from things. For the first time in my life, I have chosen to run toward something I want. I have chosen to risk my heart and my happiness trying. I came to Cimarron Springs because I refused to give up on you. You may shun me. You may refuse me. You may walk out of my life and never return. I will not, however, allow you to dictate what’s best for me. Not now. Not ever.”
The tone of her voice gave him pause. “Then you’re willing to take a risk on me.”
“Only if you’re willing to take a risk on me.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, his hope rising. “But I would spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you.”
“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you. I’ve given up on a lot of things, but I will never give up on you. I will never give up on our love.” Her teasing smile returned. “Of course, you’ll have to try very hard.”
His heart seemed to lighten. “You’ll have to try a little, as well.”
“I suppose.”
He caught her against him and kissed her long and hard before pulling away. “I love you, Matilda Hargreaves. Will you marry me?”
“Yes. But you have to promise me something.”
His stomach knotted. “I’ll do my best.”
“You are not allowed to say that you don’t deserve me. I’m through with that nonsense. I love the man you are, and I won’t have you questioning my judgment.”
The knots in his stomach unraveled. “You have excellent judgment,” he said. “Because I’m actually quite a catch as a husband.”
A slow grin spread across her face. “Tell me more.”
“My domestic skills are unparalleled.”
“That sounds promising.”
“I come from an excellent family.”
“True,” she said, tapping her lower lip. “I’m quite fond of your father.”
“I once saved a damsel in distress from a band of outlaws.”
“You’re brave, too.” Her eyes twinkled. “I’m marrying a real hero.”
In that instant he let go of the burden he’d been carrying since his imprisonment. He’d survived. He’d changed. He wasn’t completely healed, and he might never be, but he had enough love in his heart to fill the gaps. He no longer had to prove he was deserving of this life, he simply had to live and love and move forward.
Clinging to the past was selfish. People were meant to mourn, but they were also meant to move on.
“You have to promise me something, as well,” he said.
She fiddled with a button on her cuff. “What is that?”
“Stop comparing the worst parts of yourself to the best parts of others.”
Her expression turned somber. “You are the first person who ever looked at me and didn’t compare me to something better.”
“No. I wasn’t.”
“I already love you.” She ducked her head. “You needn’t flatter me.”
He tucked his knuckles beneath her chin and urged her to meet his gaze. “Miss Hargreaves, you could use a little more confidence in yourself.”
“How fortunate that we seem to bring out the best in each other.”
“How fortunate indeed.”
She caught his hand and tugged him in the opposite direction. “We have to tell your father. I think I see a light in the window. He must have returned home.”
Nolan looped his arms around her waist. “He can wait. This cannot.”
He kissed her tenderly and pulled away. She gazed at him with so much love it took his breath away.
She loved the flawed man he was, and that was the most perfect gift he’d ever received.