––––––––
It wasn't until the next week that Heidi's world fell apart. Each evening was spent in the company of her professor. Or boyfriend. Or lover. Whatever he was, Heidi was overjoyed to have found someone she could be intimate with. He understood her desire for freedom and academic success.
She noticed his apartment slowly grow more lived in as the days went on. Day one was met with a few extra blankets she brought over, his apartment was drafty. Day two was met with a pile of her text books on the coffee table because she had a paper due the next day. Her things accumulated in his apartment and James started to look more frayed around the edges. It started to feel like home.
This is why, when James called Heidi to his office, she was completely blindsided by what he had to say.
"I've received a job offer," James said, his voice tinged with sadness.
Heidi smiled. "That's great! Your term here ends before Christmas. They've asked you on to stay?"
James shifted in his seat. The sun streaming in through the cracks in the window blinds cast a criss-cross pattern on his desk which reminded Heidi of a cage. He had an extra touch of stubble around his chin this morning. His eyes were rimmed with red.
James shook his head.
"I was offered a position to lead a team of researchers in the Pacific Northwest, in Oregon. They have seen irregular Grizzly activity there. They want me to get to the bottom of it."
Heidi nodded, heart heavy.
"You have to take it," she said. "It is a great opportunity for you."
James looked relieved.
"I'm glad you think so," he said.
"Besides," Heidi continued, "I knew you would be leaving at the end of the term. There is no reason we can't enjoy our time together until then. We still have more than a month!"
"Ah," said James, absentmindedly digging through papers on his desk. Heidi watched as letter grades in her handwriting flickered as he flipped through the stack. Many B's with only a few A's, she was a tough grader.
"That's the thing," James said. "The position begins next week. I have to leave tomorrow."
Heidi felt as though all the air was knocked out of her. Her heart stopped. She went cold.
"And you took it?" She hated the way her voice wavered as she asked the question.
"Yes," James said, sighing. "It is a fantastic opportunity, something that I might never have again."
"Of course," said Heidi, numb. "I completely understand. We can do this long distance, it is just going to be a little trickier. I can come visit you during winter break. Then, when I graduate in the spring, I can come out there for a while. Maybe I can even get a position on the team."
James looked at her. The second their eyes met, Heidi knew that what he was about to say would hurt her more than her announcement that James was leaving.
"We can't be together," James said.
"What are you talking about?" Heidi asked. "Of course we can be together. We are together now."
James said, "When I am out on the field I will have limited access to means of communication. I will be in the forest for weeks at a time, often as a bear. I can't be concerned about contacting you when I am out doing a study. You have to understand that you will be far too much of a distraction."
"Am I not a distraction to you now?" Heidi asked, her voice hard, "Or is that why you were with me in the first place? You needed a distraction from your loneliness and you took it out on your poor TA? Do you do this at every school you visit?"
"Please don't be mean," James said, his voice taking on a paternal quality that enraged Heidi.
"Don't tell me how to feel," Heidi said. "You're only my boss here, I can think whatever I want."
"You knew this couldn't possibly last," James said.
"Would I have lost my virginity to someone I knew was going to toss me aside in a week?" Heidi asked, standing up.
"I'm not sure," James began, but Heidi cut him off.
"Oh sure," she said, "you're only sure of things that you can study. You're only sure that we are building a close bond when you want to have sex with me. The second something better comes along you're sure of that and you give up on me."
"I'm not sure of this new position," James said.
"It certainly feels like you are," Heidi said. She pulled her backpack on and turned to leave.
"I was sure that you would respond like this," James said, his voice pitched low as though hoping she wouldn't hear him.
Heidi walked to the door and turned when she reached the doorway.
"You know," she said, focusing on the crack in the front of his desk, "I thought I could fall for you. You were the first person I ever felt this level of attraction too, and I thought you understood me. I was so excited to get to know you."
She paused, taking a deep breath to collect herself. She felt awful, like she would burst into tears at any moment.
"Now it's clear to me that you still act like a child. You don't get to be mature just because you are a professor. You gain maturity by building relationships and working through things when they become difficult. I made a mistake loving you, but you made a mistake letting me go."
Heidi left the room, the door shutting with a crack and muffling James' last attempt to speak to her. Heidi knew she had more important things to do right now. She needed to go ask about her work study and what would happen now that the professor she was assigned to was leaving. She needed to attend class and make sure that she had everything in order for her next assignments. She needed to find someone who would understand the pain she felt and would help her navigate this feeling of loss.
Instead, Heidi walked back to her apartment and locked the door. She could do those things tomorrow. Right now, the most important thing she could do was be with herself. She was the only one who loved her. The print James had given her hung on the wall over her couch, reminding her how alone she was.