Chapter Twelve

Lori didn’t have to open her eyes to know who was speaking. His voice was as familiar as her own heartbeat. And as essential. No matter what happened with the rest of her life, that would never change. She longed to lean against Shade, absorb his strength and make it hers. God, did she need that!

But his words from last night still echoed inside her throbbing, frightened body. They had no commitment to each other.

Denying her heart, she fought against the tears that were still seeking release and faced her boss. It was impossible to raise her voice above a strangled whisper. “The doctor said I’m going to have to have surgery on my knee.”

“Is that all?” Shade was breathing deeply, heavily. That should have been some kind of a clue to his emotions, but Lori was too wrapped up in her own to try to fathom them.

“All?” Lori managed. “Maybe the idea of going under a knife doesn’t bother you, but it’s the last thing in the world I want.”

“Why?”

Why? That was an insane question. “Because I’ll be stuck in this damn hospital! I can’t leave. Can’t go outside. I’ll have to sit in bed waiting for people to bring everything to me. I won’t even be able to go to the bathroom without help.”

Lori flushed at what she was revealing, but the fear she was battling was too strong. There were things she had to get out of her system or risk losing her mind. Shade already knew more about what went on inside her than anyone else. “I’ve always been able to do what I want, go where I want. I’ve never felt helpless before. I hate being like this!” She waved her hand over her knee, careful not to jostle it.

Shade gripped her shoulders and forced her to look at him. His eyes held her with more strength than his arms ever could. “Where was it you wanted to go?”

Lori moaned as her knee resisted the pull on her body. She lifted her arms, trying to shake off Shade’s grip. Since he couldn’t be tender with her, she didn’t want to be touched by him at all. The power in his eyes was more than she was capable of dealing with. “Into the mountains with Black Bob!” she said, grasping at the first thing that entered her mind, wondering if she could use words that would hurt him. “Dad’s out there skidding logs, and I’m stuck here while some doctors get rich.”

“So that’s what has you so upset. I was a fool to think it might be anything else.” Shade released her, his eyes saying nothing about being sorry that he’d hurt her. “You and I had a disagreement, and now you want to run off where you don’t have to face me. I guess I should have expected it. I’m sorry this—” He jabbed a finger in the direction of her knee. “I’m sorry this has spoiled your plans.”

As Shade continued to stare daggers at her, Lori became aware that from the waist down she wore nothing but underpants. Shade had seen her in less, but she didn’t need to feel exposed on top of everything else. Maybe she should ask him to leave. She, had to get a hold of herself. “My knee, the surgery, it’s going to spoil a lot of things,” Lori pointed out between clenched teeth, denying everything her heart wanted to say. “I’m not going to be able to do much work around the farm for a while. I think you better look for a replacement.”

“I’ll make that decision, thank you. Let’s wait until we know what the doctor thinks.”

Of course, Lori thought. The historical society wouldn’t want to have to pay an employee who was a liability. “What did you come here for, anyway?” she asked. One word, one gesture from him and she’d be burying her head in his chest. She had to guard against exposing herself that way. After all, he was the one who had said that not all people were cut out for commitment. Obviously that was what he now believed about her. If that was the way he felt about her, she wasn’t going to cling to him.

Shade didn’t answer right away. “I’m here because Vicky told me to come.” He laughed briefly. “That’s the first time Vicky has ever given me an order. She’s changing.”

“What else did Vicky say?”

“She said that you were at the hospital and you needed me.” Shade’s clipped tones softened. For an insane second Lori believed he wanted to touch her cheek. “I told her you didn’t need anyone, especially not me. But she told me to come anyway.”

Oh, Shade, I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone in my life. I’m scared and helpless, and it isn’t my father I need after all. But she couldn’t tell him that. She would have exposed her heart to a man who didn’t want that heart.

“I hope I didn’t upset her or Ruth too much,” Lori managed around her thoughts.

Shade laughed that deep rich rumble that could warm her soul. “Those two warhorses are doing just fine. You know, I’ve always admired Ruth’s independence, her self-confidence. I think it’s starting to rub off on Vicky. I have you to thank for that.”

“Don’t start on that, Shade,” Lori warned, fearful of the direction this conversation might be taking them. “I’m in no mood for an argument.”

“What argument?” Shade shrugged. His stance might be casual, but his green eyes were edging into black. “Listen to me. I’m going to make a confession. One that’s overdue.” He jammed his hands in his pockets and took a step backward. For a long minute he said nothing, and Lori, who didn’t breathe during that time, concentrated on the slow way his features were drawing together. “I was wrong. Things are working out between those two after all. It might not be a marriage made in heaven, but I can see that it’s going to benefit both of them. Vicky doesn’t bear much resemblance to the woman-child I married. You were right. Do you hear what I’m saying? You’re right, and I’m wrong.”

That’s the only thing I’m right about, Lori admitted to herself. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I fell in love with you. “You don’t have to stay here any longer.” Lori had to take a deep breath, because the words she had to say didn’t want to come out. “You’ve done what Vicky told you to.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“You have better things to do than sit here and watch my knee turn black.”

“You’re wrong. This is the only thing I have to do today. It is going to crimp your style for a while, isn’t it?” Shade observed, bending over for a closer look. “You’re going to have to put your mountain-climbing plans on hold.”

Lori didn’t want to climb a mountain. She wanted to reach out for the man she loved, have him tell her he was staying here for as long as she needed him and there was nothing for her to be scared of. But that was the ultimate surrender.

There wasn’t time for Lori to wonder why Shade couldn’t see in her eyes what her heart was saying. There wasn’t time for learning the reason behind his own darkened eyes. The swinging doors leading to the examining room opened, and a nurse, followed by a brawny young man in rumpled whites pushing a stretcher, entered the room. Shade stepped back to let the two near her.

Lori tried to concentrate as the nurse explained how she and the orderly were going to lift her onto the stretcher without disturbing her knee any more than necessary, but the thought of becoming a helpless exhibit being wheeled down a sterile white corridor to prepare for a surgeon’s knife was almost more than she could handle. Her emotions were too close to that of a wild bird with a broken wing. If she had thought her knee was capable of it, she would have jumped from the table and fled the hospital wearing nothing except a blouse and underpants.

But her knee was holding her prisoner within these white walls. There was no way she could stop the orderly from placing his arms under her armpits or kick away the nurse who was controlling the movement of her lower body.

Lori felt her mobile bed turning around, being backed out of the examining room. As the swinging doors opened to accommodate them, Lori surrendered. The look she gave Shade was one of total helplessness—fear that existed despite all reason. It didn’t matter that he could read her naked emotions. Nothing mattered except not giving way to panic.

“Lori?” she heard him whisper, but it was too late. She was being swallowed up by the institution.

A while later she was settled in a small room, an elderly, snoring woman in the other bed. She nodded, only half concentrating, as the doctor explained that her surgery had been scheduled for the first thing in the morning. In the meantime, the hospital staff was going to do everything it could to hold down the swelling. “I’ll have a physical therapist talk to you, and I’ll make sure you get a sleeping pill tonight,” he said impersonally. Then he patted her shoulder and left.

Lori glanced over at her snoring roommate. How could anyone sleep here? She took several deep breaths, accepting the fact that additional oxygen wasn’t going to be enough to calm her. Somehow she was going to have to find a way to control her fear, or it would overwhelm her.

“Lori?”

This time Lori didn’t try to stifle the sound that ripped its way up her throat. She saw Shade coming toward her, his eyes the rich jade shade she loved, his outstretched arms a lifesaving haven. Desperately, she reached out for the security he was offering her. Her animal-like moan had told him everything she didn’t have the words for. His arms were her one defense against fear.

His chest was the heaven-sent refuge Lori prayed it would be and more. She buried her hot face against his rib cage and moaned like a frightened animal as he started stroking her hair. Was the man really that strong, or did he feel that way only because she felt so helpless?

It didn’t matter. What registered was that he was here, holding her firmly and yet gently. He wasn’t asking her why she was crying or telling her she was shaking like a child. He wasn’t saying accusing things about her not knowing how to take care of her injury or deserving what had happened. Instead, he was whispering things like “It’s all right. I’m here.”

He was here. That was all she had to know. The front of Shade’s shirt was becoming soaked with hot tears. Lori’s nose had started to run, and she was afraid she might awaken her snoring roommate. But it felt so good, so natural, to let him be her strength. Somehow he had the power in his body to hold back fear. It was hard to remember that she’d been terrified by white walls, a man in a white uniform. There were worse things in life than having to spend time in a hospital and submitting to an operation. She could no longer remember why it had been impossible for her to see that a few minutes ago. Finally, when she didn’t have to gulp in order to breathe around her sobs, Shade helped her straighten and handed her a Kleenex. He continued to make contact with a broad hand in the small of her back. “Do you feel better?”

“My head’s splitting,” Lori admitted, suddenly embarrassed because she’d revealed so much of her private self. There was no way he couldn’t know what she’d gone through emotionally. “I—I’ve ruined your shirt. I’m sorry.”

Shade ran his hand through her curls, touching her hot scalp. “You really hate it here, don’t you?”

He wasn’t laughing at her. Lori tried a steadying breath and something that resembled a tentative smile. She still sounded like a scared child. “I’ve never been in a hospital before. I—I feel so helpless, so trapped.”

Shade frowned, his hand still in her hair. “I never thought about a hospital as being a trap. It is rather confining, isn’t it?”

Lori nodded, her pounding head complaining. She didn’t know if he would pull back if she reached for him again. Maybe, in a minute, she’d have the courage to answer his question. “I’ve never been confined like this before,” she explained around the residue of tears. “I didn’t know it was going to get to me like this.”

“Would you rather be in the woods with Black Bob? Or alone?”

“I—I don’t know if I could handle being alone right now,” Lori whispered. She sagged slightly, and he quickly supported her by pulling her against his chest. “Not as long as my knee’s in this shape.” His warmth was giving her the courage to speak from the heart. “Shade? Will you be here when they take me to surgery?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll be there. You know,” he went on after a moment of silence, “I’m seeing a side of you I didn’t know existed. I’ve done you a disservice by labeling you the original independent woman.” He brushed his lips against the top of her head. “I always thought of you as rugged, determined to stand on your own two feet. I didn’t expect what I saw today.”

Lori wanted to pull away, to try to read what Shade’s eyes were saying, but it was much safer staying where she was, with him supporting her. He was going to help her get through the surgery. If she didn’t move, would he hold her through the night? “I—I left you a message, and I wasn’t alone. I was with my father.”

“That wasn’t the only time,” Shade pointed out, his voice sounding strangely wary. “Remember? There was another weekend when you went off exploring the county. You didn’t want anyone with you then.”

“No,” Lori said honestly, “I didn’t. Shade, it was like that a lot of my life. I’m used to doing things on my own. And you didn’t mean to me then what you do now.”

“Because you don’t need anyone else.”

“No. You’re wrong.” Lori said the words so softly that she couldn’t be sure Shade would realize how much she was revealing. But even if she couldn’t speak above a whisper, she had to try to explain. Somehow, she sensed, what she said would shape their future. He had followed her into the room, helped her release her tears. There was at least that much between them. “Maybe I thought that way once. I know I came to cherish my privacy when Brett wanted to spend every waking moment possessing me. But—Shade? It’s different with you.”

“How different?”

This time she pulled back enough to look into his eyes. He wasn’t asking a casual question or expecting a casual answer. Good. She couldn’t be anything but totally honest with him no matter what the outcome. “I feel different around you,” she admitted, aware that she was revealing something about herself she hadn’t known existed before meeting this very special man. “I can’t say there won’t be times when I want to be by myself. Everyone needs their own space sometimes. I’d never ask you to account for all of your time. But—don’t make fun of me—I want to tell you things, share things I’ve never felt a need to share before.”

“Like what?”

“Like not having to pretend that I’m not scared.” Lori wanted to go on, but the sudden constriction in her throat wouldn’t let her.

“I appreciate that,” Shade whispered. He placed his hands on both sides of her neck, a gesture that was both supporting and comforting. And yet words and a touch didn’t tell her what was in his heart. “Lori? I’m sorry I got so angry with you the other day.”

“Why did you?”

“What is this?” Shade asked, and Lori felt the hesitancy behind his words. “Confession time? All right. I’ll tell you what I was thinking. It scared me when I realized you’d been in an accident. It scared me because I don’t want anything bad ever happening to you. I wanted to bundle you up in bed and bring you chicken soup and have you ask me to take care of whatever your car needed. But you didn’t need me for that. I believed that.” Shade ran a hand quickly through his hair and then pressed it against her neck again. “You didn’t need me for a damn thing.”

“Shade. That isn’t true!” Lori gasped, but he wouldn’t let her continue.

“That’s what stuck in my mind,” he pressed. “That’s what I convinced myself I had to admit. Look at the evidence. Your father is a loner. You admitted you were like him. Do you remember what I said when we were in the greenhouse? I said Black Bob was always on the move and you were like him. I didn’t want to say that. God, that was the last thing I wanted to think! But can you blame me? I had all the evidence I needed.”

“What evidence?” Lori interrupted. “You didn’t give me much chance to talk.”

“You did enough talking when you had me up to the house a few days later. You told me you didn’t want to live here anymore.”

Lori gasped. It was incredible that they could have interpreted the same conversation so differently. “I said I didn’t feel right about living there. There’s a difference.”

“That’s not the impression I got from talking to you.” Shade knotted his brow as if wrestling with thoughts he didn’t quite understand. “You reminded me that your living there wasn’t supposed to be a permanent arrangement. You weren’t interested in tying yourself down.”

Had she said that? Lori was sure she hadn’t. Shade had heard certain things, but they weren’t necessarily what she had been trying to tell him. “I—you were angry at me. I thought you didn’t want me there. I was trying to tell you that I understood.”

Shade’s body tensed. “I didn’t want you there? Where did you get that idea?”

“You—you told me to leave whenever I wanted to. You—you said I shouldn’t feel saddled with the house.”

To her surprise, Shade increased his grip on her instead of letting go. “I said that because I wasn’t going to try to force you into something you didn’t want. I promised myself I’d never tie you down. Do you think I wanted you to move out? That’s the last thing I’d ever want.” Shade’s eyes darkened as they had in the examining room. “I couldn’t stand living there after Vicky and I split up. But after you moved in, I wanted to come back. You made the difference. You turned a house into a home for me. But—I believed you didn’t feel the same way I did. Lori? The last thing I’d ever do is try to force you to do something. That’s one lesson I learned from my marriage. I tried to mold Vicky.” He shook his head as if trying to clear his thoughts. “It wasn’t right for her. Brett tried to make you into what he wanted. You bolted.” Shade’s right hand moved from her neck to her chin, forcing her head back so she had nowhere to look except into his probing eyes.

“It tore me apart not to hold on to you, but I knew I’d only make things worse by trying.”

“Shade?” It was almost impossible to speak with his lips so close. Her previous fear of her surroundings had turned into a fear of what he would say next. “What if I want you to hold on to me? What if I tell you I’m not like my father?”

Suddenly, she saw it. Something vulnerable was being exposed in Shade’s eyes. That was what had been behind their mysterious darkening. His heart was as vulnerable as hers. “Do you mean that?” she heard him whisper.

“With all my heart. I learned something about Black Bob last weekend that I didn’t know before. I was a part of his life when I depended on him, but now that I’m an adult, he doesn’t feel a need to include me anymore. That’s how he is.” She was silent for a moment and then finished what had to be said. “I’m not like that. I could never be like that with—you. I love you too much.”

“And I love you.” Shade’s breath caught against Lori’s eyelashes and dried the moisture her words had put there.

It cost Lori to lift her torso toward Shade’s mouth, but the reward was worth the effort. In truth, it would have taken far greater pain than she was feeling to stop her. She parted her lips slightly as they met, but the kiss they shared in the hospital room was gentle, not passionate. There had been and would again be times when Lori wanted Shade’s body more than anything else in life. Right now she needed his understanding, his love. Nothing more and nothing less.

Her kiss revealed everything she was ready to have exposed. She wanted to commit herself and have that commitment returned. His lips bore the proof she needed that love was a shared emotion.

 

 

Shade walked back into the hospital room the next morning as Lori was being prepped for surgery. She clutched his hand tightly, her wide, staring eyes telling him that she still hadn’t mastered her fear of being confined. Shade stepped back to allow a nurse to take Lori’s pulse and temperature; then he took her hand again.

“You look like a sheep being led to the slaughter,” he said as he smiled and bent to kiss her lightly on the forehead. He could sense that she needed to hear him speak. “Vicky and Ruth send you their best. They’re going to be here right after the surgery. Vicky wanted you to know that if you needed a nurse, she was volunteering. I told her that was my department.”

“I’m going to be a cripple for a couple of weeks,” Lori whispered, her eyes on the hovering nurse.

Briefly, Shade explained that he’d spent last night juggling his schedule so he could have the next two weeks off. Soon they’d work out a relationship that gave each of them an equal partnership. Right now, however, he sensed that she needed him to take charge. “I’ll let you have your precious independence back when you’re walking on your own two legs again,” he promised. “Until then, I’m the boss.”

He waited for the reaction of the woman he loved. At length, a slight smile touched her tight lips. “Yes, boss,” she whispered.

Shade helped Lori tuck her hair into the floppy white cap the nurse handed him and supported her shoulders as she was moved from her bed to the stretcher that would take her into the operating room. At that moment Lori reminded him of a baby wrapped in blankets in a hospital nursery, but he also knew that the child would soon become a woman again. A woman he wanted to share the rest of his life with.

“I’m going to be moving back into the house after we get this old war injury operated on,” he promised her. “The doctor said you could probably come home the day after tomorrow.”

“Home? Your house?”

Shade leaned forward, pushing the nurse aside with his bulk. The operating staff could wait a minute. There was something he had to say first. “Our house, Lori Black. Vicky wants me, us, to have it. By the way, when do you think you’d like to change that to Ryan?”

“Lori Ryan?” the woman Shade loved said. “Do you mean it?”

“Of course I mean it. Do I have to spell out everything for you?” Shade took a deep breath and decided to let everything out. “I’m willing to give you free rein in a lot of things, but I expect you to make an honest man out of me.”

This time Lori’s smile lasted longer, went deeper. “How about as soon as I can walk down an aisle?”

“That can be arranged. I’ll talk to your boss, see if he’ll let you have the time off.”

The last of the tension in Lori’s face evaporated. “That shouldn’t be a problem. He’s a good boss.”

“He’ll make an even better husband.” As the nurse prepared to move Lori out of the room, Shade stepped aside. “Sorry, it’s time for you to go. Behave yourself. I’ll be waiting here when you get back.”

Shade continued to stare at the door long after Lori had left, wondering if, even with the drugs, she knew how much of him she was taking along with her. Mentally, he was going with her, loaning her his strength, knowing he’d never get back all of his heart. That was all right—very much all right. Hearts were for sharing.

He could feel part of her heart lingering in the room with him.

That was the way Shade wanted it to be between them. They would always remain separate individuals. A healthy, loving marriage had to be that way. But although their interests might take them down different paths, there could always be that sharing of hearts. He would have a part of her with him while he was at the museum and she was out at the Kadin farm. She would keep a portion of his heart tucked in her pocket while she peered into a darkened barn, looking for nesting owls.

At night their hearts would be joined back together, refashioned into a whole. In bed, with the window open to let in the pine-scented air they both loved, there would be a single beat.

Shade sighed, flexed his muscles and went out into the hallway to wait for Lori to be returned to him. Even as he was settling his body into an uncomfortable chair, his mind was going back—back to the early days when he was only half aware of the hold the woman was gaining on his heart. How close they’d come to not knowing the strength of that hold! If it hadn’t been for Vicky’s insisting that he come to see her yesterday—

No! Vicky didn’t deserve credit for that. Even before his ex-wife had said anything, Shade had known that nothing could keep him from coming to see Lori.

Thank God for that. Soon, very soon, he’d be able to tell her that not once had he thought of giving her up.

Shade sent out his silent message. I’m waiting, my love. Can you hear my heart talking to you? I’m waiting for you.