The Misery Inquirer

When they got back to the cave, Tony’s father treated his fingers with iodine from the first aid kit. He grimaced as if he were biting into a lemon.

“But it’s helping!” he said in a raspy voice.

Then he lay down on his sleeping bag and asked Tony to read to him from the Misery Inquirer, which he had bought in Long Suffering that morning.

Not exactly thrilled, knowing that there would be nothing interesting in such a rag, Tony opened the paper and started reading a random article by flashlight: “ ‘Registry office news: During the period from March 26 to April 12, the Misery Valley registry office notarized the following civil registration events—’ ”

Tony broke off and read the phrase again: “Civil events… hmm, death isn’t always civil!” he said with a grin.

Then he went on in a monotonous, whining voice: “ ‘Births: Peter Plunder, Long Suffering; Eva Cowskin, Short Suffering. Marriages: Johann Wolfgang Schiller to Hermine Hackabell, both of Long Suffering High Road 11. Deaths: Seven.’ ”

Seven deaths? Tony felt a chill run down his spine. He glanced quickly over at his father and was relieved to find that he had fallen asleep.

Tony quickly went outside. Once out of the cave, he leafed through the newspaper for more information about the multiple deaths. Finally, on the second-to-last page, between an article about the Young Mail Carriers’ Club and a story about a black-headed sheep that had given birth to quadruplets, he found a revealing column:

Fresh Vegetables and Liver

The editors have recently become aware of the death of the unemployed ladies’ wear tailor Friedhelm W. He died of spring fatigue, which he had been suffering from for several weeks. More and more people are complaining of spring fatigue, whose symptoms include fatigue, headaches, pallor, and anemia. The Misery Health Insurance Company suggests that all those affected by it eat fresh fruit and vegetables, take walks in the fresh air, and sleep with their windows open. They should also eat plenty of liver.

Fresh fruit and vegetables and liver? Tony couldn’t help but smile. It was unfortunate that the health insurance company didn’t mention garlic, as that would probably be the only remedy against this “spring fatigue.” That and closing the windows at night, of course!

He wondered if he should hide the newspaper. But it was pretty unlikely that his father would read it. With his crushed fingers, he could hardly hold it. But even if he did, Tony decided, he certainly wouldn’t take notice of a headline like FRESH VEGETABLES AND LIVER!