Now Listen Up!

I d-don’t mean to b-bother you,” Tony stuttered, hesitantly approaching the wooden desk.

“You never bother me,” the vampire replied. “Well, almost never! And not today anyway,” he added patronizingly. “I’ve just found the perfect story for you!”

And when Tony stopped in the middle of the chapel, a little perplexed, the little vampire commanded, “Sit down!”

“Sit down?” said Tony. With the exception of the rickety chair on which Rudolph was perched, there was no place to sit. There was just a pile of rubble and debris on the floor.

“Well, then stand,” replied the vampire, and giggled. “But don’t fall over while I’m reading to you from the family chronicles!”

“I’d rather sit down,” Tony murmured while perching on a stone that was a little less angular and pointed than the others. He waited impatiently for the little vampire to start reading. But Rudolph took his time. Like an actor before a grand entrance, he tugged at his hair, rolled his eyes, puffed out his cheeks, smoothed his cape, and cleared his throat again and again. Finally, taking a very serious tone, he began to read.

“It was a stormy night…”

But then he broke off again and said in his normal voice, “I did a good job, didn’t I?”

“Of what?” asked Tony.

“Getting the family chronicles! My grandmother, Sabine the Terrible, really thinks I want to become ‘mature and wise’ now. And even Anna fell for it!” He rubbed his hands together happily. “It was the only way to get my grandmother to hand over the chronicles.”

“Oh, okay,” Tony mumbled.

“I don’t want to be mature and wise at all. Why would I?” said the vampire, giggling. “So now, listen up!” he added. Then he took a deep breath, bowed his head over the book, and began to read again in a solemn voice.

It was a stormy night in the vampire year five hundred and nine, when we had to leave our family crypt, which had been a good, safe home for us for so many years. Once again it was time to hoist the coffins and head up into the cold, hostile world.

Oh, how to describe the children’s sorrow!

Gregory—sobbing loudly!

Anna—her sick eyes crying!

Rudolph—

Here the little vampire faltered and coughed a few times, croaking. Apparently, he was embarrassed to admit that he, too, had been crying, so he simply skipped the part that detailed his sorrow.

“Oh, how nice it is to have a family that carries heavy burdens together!” he continued in a solemn tone.

It was a night of sorrow and hardship, during which six of us had to move the coffins to the ruins in Misery Valley.

As has been the custom in our family since time immemorial, we were two per coffin. This time the teams were: Yours truly, Sabine, with Wilhelm; Ludwig with Hildegard; Dorothee with Rudolph.

And—alas!—the two cemetery destroyers! My pen is reluctant to write down their names. They did not sleep on this fateful night either! It happened on our third and final Coffin Shift.

Sabine and Wilhelm and Ludwig and Hildegard were already on their way to Misery Valley with their coffins. Dorothee was still struggling desperately to get her coffin out of the old well, where it had gotten jammed.

Suddenly, from the edge of the well, where he was helping Dorothee pull out her coffin, Rudolph spotted the creatures Ravenhood and Snifflerman—my pen still refuses to write down their full names. They had the evilest of intentions, which was easy to recognize as they had their horrible w--- stakes and their disgusting g--- with them. Rudolph managed to shout a warning to Dorothee. Then he came up with a heroic plan!

At this point, the little vampire paused and gave Tony a piercing look. But Tony refrained from commenting—for now.

“Read on!” he said.

“All right,” the vampire growled, and in a pretentious voice, he continued:

While Dorothee was waiting in the well, Rudolph sprang, with a heroic leap, right out in front of these two creatures, who were about to pounce on him—my pen trembles at the thought. Rudolph, however, took to his heels and ran straight to the unspeakable vulture’s house.

“But—” Tony wanted to protest, but the little vampire cut him off.

“No interruptions when I read from the chronicles!” he hissed. Then he continued:

And so, the brave Rudolph ran, closely followed by the two murder-minded men. They were already rejoicing, convinced that they would catch him, when Rudolph rose up into the air, flew up onto the roof, and climbed through an open skylight of their disgusting vulture house.

Oh, how they ran now! Into the house, up the stairs to the bathroom door. But Rudolph had closed it from the inside, because his great hour was approaching! He plugged the two bathtub drains and turned on the faucet. He emptied an almost full bottle of bubble bath into the tub and with a satisfied, happy smile he looked on as the foam grew and the water rose.

Meanwhile, Ravenhood and Snifflerman pounded on the door in impotent rage.

Good, brave Rudolph! Foolhardy and fearless, he waited until the tub overflowed and the creatures’ bathroom was completely flooded.

Only then, after having completed the well-executed and oh-so-blessed task, did Rudolph leave the place through the bathroom window.

Thanks to Rudolph’s deed, our worst enemies were busy with their own problems for the rest of the night.

Dorothee was able to free her coffin undisturbed, and along with Rudolph, the hero of the night, she took it to Misery Valley.

“The hero of the night!” repeated Tony bitingly. “You do like to take credit for other people’s achievements!”

“Other people’s achievements? Who, me?” the vampire replied in feigned surprise, pretending not to understand. “I don’t see me doing that,” he said with a grin.

“You know exactly what I mean!” Tony replied angrily. “I was the one who distracted Ravenhood and Snifflerman during your Coffin Shift! I ran in front of them to their house so Aunt Dorothee could pull her coffin out of the well!”

“I see!” said the vampire, amused. “And now you want your services to be honored in our family chronicles!”

Tony swallowed. “M-me… in your family chronicles?”

“You’ve gone as white as a sheet!” The vampire chuckled.

“I…” Tony’s hands suddenly felt ice-cold. “I… I don’t want to be in your family chronicles!” he said, his voice trembling.

“See, there you go!” The vampire laughed loudly. “And because I knew that, I told the whole story to my grandmother, Sabine the Terrible, as if I had done it. I did it for you, out of true friendship! You understand that, don’t you?”

“Y-yes,” Tony stuttered.

“Well, you see!” said the vampire, grinning. “That’s how I am. Rudolph, your true friend!”