Chapter Four

 

Houston

 

Who would have thought that I, Houston Wainwright, would be nervous? I’m not used to feeling this way. I’m used to winning in pretty much everything. But then I used to have everything. I had Culhwch, I had his love, his support… he was everything I ever wanted and more.

I had a future. A future with a man I never expected to fall in love with. Before Culhwch, I’d never really been in love. Sure, I’d had relationships. I even thought I’d found love. But if what I felt—or should I say, feel—for him was love, then I know that nothing I’d ever felt before him was true love. It can’t have been, because what I felt for him obliterated anything I’d ever felt before.

Now I’m driving towards his new house, nerves palpable in the air surrounding me. My palms are clammy and stick to the steering wheel.

My heart is racing. My mind is too. There’s so much to tell him. So much I should have said sooner. I’ve left it too long, even I know that.

He’s giving me a chance to explain, a chance I don’t deserve. It might just be the last time I ever see or speak to him, and I need to make it count. I need to tell him every last detail, only then will he have complete closure.

I’m not being completely altruistic here, I admit that. I need to get this off my chest. It’s an invisible elephant—maybe even rhinoceros—sitting on my chest, trapping me under its weight. I guess I am hoping to get some kind of closure from this too.

I know what I wish deep in my heart. I wish this was the beginning of a fresh start for us. That he would hear everything I have to say, and then he’d tell me he never stopped loving me. We’d kiss, strip each other naked, and when it’s all over, he’d tell me he forgives me and wants us to start again. I’d lie in his arms, sated from making love to him, and I’d finally feel at peace.

But that’s nothing more than a mere daydream. Dreams are for fools. I know that now. Once upon a time, I dreamed that we’d grow old and grey together, watch our grandkids play in the garden with matching smiles on our faces. Then that dream was shattered. And I only have myself to blame.

It would be all too easy to blame it all on Ana, to blame her for coming waltzing into my life and announcing I have a son. I could pass the buck. But that’s not who I am. I own my mistakes. Not that Denny is a mistake, but the night I slept with her… that was a huge mistake. The biggest regret of my life.

I am the father to a child I do not know. I am the father to a child who needed a kidney, and that’s the only reason I even know I am a father. I know she never would have told me otherwise. She’s happy to take the thousands I pay her in child support, but not to allow me to see Denny. In some ways, I don’t blame her, because he sees Greg as his dad, and finding out about me would probably really confuse him. In some ways, I don’t feel like she should have told him Greg is his dad all along. Then again, who am I to judge? As she told me, Denny’s her child, so she can do what she wants.

I’m left questioning whether I want to know him. And I know that makes me sound like a bad person, but I can’t help the spiral it sends me into when I think about how it all could have played out.

I pull up in his driveway and turn off the engine. The silence surrounding me is deafening. The only thing that pierces the air is the sound of my rapid heartbeat in my ears.

Wiping clammy palms down my jeans, I take a deep breath and let it out, then another. I concentrate on the air expanding my lungs before expelling it slowly.

Getting out of my car, I walk up the drive like a man walking along death row. I know that if my heart hadn’t already died the moment that I left my life with Culhwch, then it would definitely die when I have to leave this place in my rear-view mirror.

My mind goes back to the night we spent together recently, and to how much it hurt to see that damn car disappearing down my driveway, leaving me standing there, dejected, broken all over again.

I don’t know why Culhwch actually spent that night with me. All I know is that my foolish heart had delusions about us being together again, starting afresh. Then when he left without a word, my heart caught up to what was going on. Momentarily anyway.

He must feel something, even if it’s just a little something. But I don’t want to push him, especially when I’m about to drop a bombshell and possibly make him hate me forever.

I raise my hand and knock hesitantly, then stand and wait, while moving from one foot to the other.

“Come in,” he says as he opens the door.

His once shit-eating grin is no longer in residence, and it pains me to know that I am the cause.

Following him into the kitchen, I stand by the island as he pours two cups of coffee.

“Here you go,” he says as he passes me a mug. As he does so, his fingers graze mine and it feels like a bolt of electricity as all the hairs on my arm stand on end.

He must realise what he’s done, because he pulls away the second I have a good grip on the cup.

“Come on through,” he says, his voice almost breaking as he walks ahead of me into the lounge.

I take a moment to stand and look around. Photos line his walls, and it isn’t lost on me that I’m not featured in a single one.

“Take a seat,” he says as he gestures towards the couch.

Perching on the seat closest to the chair where he’s sitting with his feet tucked under him, I take a sip of my coffee and scald my tongue.

If I thought the silence in the car was deafening, it was nothing compared to now. The walls seem to close in around me and I feel like I’m suffocating.

Pulling at the neck of my T-shirt gives me no relief, so I concentrate on my breathing. In for the count of three, out for the count of three. Then again.

“So?” Cul asks.

“Where to start?” I choke out around the lump in my throat.

“The beginning might be a good place,” he replies curtly, making me wince.

I catch his cerulean blue gaze briefly before he looks away, toying with the hem of his T-shirt.

“Do you remember the day I caused a big row and you ended things? What am I saying, of course you do,” I say as I scrub a hand over my face nervously. “I got a phone call that day. It was someone I didn’t want to speak to, but someone persistent enough to keep calling if I didn’t answer first time. So, I answered, and her words sent my life into a dizzying spiral.”

I clear my throat before being able to continue.

“It was Ana.”

There’s an audible gasp from Culhwch. She’s obviously the last person he expected me to mention. And for good reason too.

“Ana?” he asks softly, “What on earth did she want?”

“Well, that’s a long story.”

“We have time,” he replies when I become quiet.

“She was calling to ask me for a kidney.”

The look of confusion on his face mars his handsome features.

“To cut a long story short, she has a son. He had some trouble with his kidneys, they were failing him, and he needed a transplant. She wasn’t a match, and neither was her partner.”

I take a sip of my coffee just for something to do. I feel sick. My heart is beating so hard against my ribcage.

“Not to be harsh, but how was that your problem?” Cul asks quietly.

“They say the best match is a familial one…” I trail off.

Realisation dawns in his eyes as they go wide. His mouth drops open and he sits there silently.

“They were in the hospital; he was on dialysis. The doctors told them that the dialysis wouldn’t help him for much longer and a kidney transplant was his best option. The trouble was, he wasn’t top of the list, so Ana and her partner got tested to be a living donor. She wasn’t a match, and it was wishful thinking on their part to think that he might be—considering he clearly isn’t his father,” I stumble over the last word.

“Take your time, Houston. I’m not going anywhere.”

A reassuring hand rests on my thigh, and I take a moment to just relish in his touch. It feels like an anchor in a storm. He’s grounding me.

“I was a last resort, as she never wanted me to know about Denny’s existence. It was incredibly fucked up timing for her to call just as I was about to go off on tour. It meant postponing the tour by a few weeks too—but I digress. I didn’t want to hear her out, but I did anyway. Sorry, I’m not exactly telling this story in a linear way, am I? Yeah, umm… so I went to the hospital and got tested. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but whether I knew of his existence before or not, I couldn’t hear that my… son—” I choke the word out and feel a strong hand squeeze my thigh. “That my son was desperately ill and I was their only hope.”

I take a sip of my coffee and take a moment to assess Culhwch. He looks… sad. I’m sure there’s a better word for it than that, but my brain isn’t really firing on all synapses.

“Would you like something stronger to drink?” Cul asks with a weak attempt at a smile.

“You know what? I really would.”

He disappears for a few moments and then reappears with a whiskey tumbler in each hand. Handing one to me, he sits next to me on the couch and sips from the other.

“You don’t have to say more, Houston. I get it. You found out in one fell swoop that you had a son and that he was gravely ill. That’s enough to make anyone feel lost and helpless, even the strongest of men like you.”

His hand slips to my thigh once more and I cling to the warm feeling it stirs in my heart.

“There’s not really much more to say. I donated a kidney, then just like that, I went back to my life. Or what was left of it. I joined the boys on tour, I played gigs with them and then went back to the tour bus and shut myself away in my room… well, you know what I mean, my bed and curtain. The boys had no clue what was wrong with me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth, so I said I’d ended up in hospital having my appendix out because it was on the verge of bursting—yet another lie to add to the tally.” I take a deep breath and another sip of whiskey before continuing. “They accepted what I said at face value, so I was thankful for that. Although Lawrence was really mad that I’d disappeared and turned my phone off, but that’s my manager for you. Nobody but you knows about Denny to this day. Ana doesn’t allow me in his life, just takes the money I give her each month and that’s it.

“I know paying her child support doesn’t equal the rights to visitation, and I’m not sure I’d want it if she offered. Which sounds terrible, I know, but I’ve never had to stop and consider it really. I’m afraid of what would happen if I did.”

“Oh Houston,” he replies. His tone is soft, understanding. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through. To have a child out there that doesn’t even know who you are… man, that has to be hard.”

“You told me it was shitty of me to sleep with groupies, and I agree, it was. But with Ana, there’s something else nobody knows. I have to tell you because I promised you total honesty.”

“Go on,” he urges with a squeeze to my thigh.

“She umm… s–she… wow, this is hard to say. Let’s try again… okay…The night we slept together, I took her back to the tour bus, so I was pretty sure that was a sign of what we were about to do. But it turns out that when I grabbed us both a bottle of water, she slipped something into mine.”

“She did what?” he asks, looking completely aghast. “She roofied you?”

“Yeah,” I admit quietly.

“Wow, that’s some fucked up shit.”

“Yup,” I say, popping the P. “And I’m not sure there was a condom used. I thought there was but… well, I mean she ended up pregnant, so probably not.”

“This sounds awful, but I have to ask…”

“You can ask me anything.”

“Do you think she did it to get pregnant by a rockstar?”

“Well, she never went to the tabloids, but yeah, if I’m honest, I think she did. Maybe for the child support… I don’t really know. I didn’t see her much in the hospital, just went in, had my operation and spent some time in recovery before going home and back on tour.”

“Did you see… sorry, what’s his name?”

“Dennis. Well, he goes by Denny. And no, I didn’t. Well, no, I should say I didn’t get to meet him. I wasn’t introduced to him. But I saw him through the window of his room. So technically, I saw him.”

“How old is he?”

“He’s seven now. Or nearly seven. I’m not sure when his birthday is.”

I drink the rest of my whiskey back in one gulp and relish the warm burn that travels down my throat.

“Do Eddie and Vi know about him?” he asks softly.

“No. You know my mum. If I told her, she’d want to be involved in his life, and I know that’s the last thing Ana wants. And I could never tell them the truth about how he was conceived. It’s not exactly the kind of story you want your parents to hear. What am I meant to say? ‘Oh yeah, she roofied me and I barely knew what was going on.’ Yeah, no. That’s not something I felt comfortable telling them.”

Culhwch places his drink down and urges me to pass him my glass. I do, and he puts it on the coffee table. Then he does the unthinkable… he wraps his arms around me and pulls me to him.

I inhale his strong, masculine scent as I feel his heart beating against his ribcage. Closing my eyes, I don’t even realise the first tear falls until I feel the soft pad of a thumb wipe it away.

His hand cradles my face as I rest my head against his shoulder. The invisible elephant on my chest seems to have disappeared.

I feel a sob wrack my chest before I crumble in his strong arms. Cul strokes my hair and whispers soothing words that I don’t really hear. All I can think of is being in his embrace.

***

I wake with a blanket over me, and as my eyes adjust to my surroundings, I realise I must have cried myself to sleep.

Looking up, I see Culhwch. He offers me a small smile as he strokes a hand through my hair. My head is in his lap, and part of me wants to remain still, revelling in his touch, while the other part of me wants to be strong and move away from him, to protect my heart as well as his.

There’s only one way this can end—badly. There’s no coming back from breaking his heart and eviscerating my own in the process. I damaged us too badly to ever believe we could have a fairy-tale happily ever after. I’ve realised the hard way that they don’t exist outside of romance novels and films.

“Sorry,” I say as I begin to sit up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

“I didn’t mind. I could have moved, and you wouldn’t have felt it with how heavily you slept, but I didn’t. I wanted to stay here with you.”

I sit up, but Cul doesn’t let me move far away from him. He keeps an arm around me, and I can’t help but want to snuggle up and take advantage of the warmth he offers, the solace. But I know I can’t do that. It will inevitably end badly, and I don’t want to hurt him again.

“I should go,” I blurt out.

“Please don’t,” Cul says, a hint of desperation in his voice as he takes my hand in his.

“I’ve done what I came to do, Cul.”

“And what was that?” he asks softly.

“To give you the closure you so rightly deserved. I’m grateful you heard me out without slamming the door in my face and I’m forever grateful to you for keeping my secret and not telling anyone, even after I broke us. Now I should go and let you get on with your life.”

“What if I don’t want you to?”

He confounds my confusion by slanting his lips over mine, his tongue darting out to lick at the seam of my lips. My body responds automatically, my mouth opening to him, allowing his tongue to taste me.

He tastes like whiskey and coffee. He tastes like home. He feels like home.

My body responds differently than my brain. My brain screams not to do anything because it’s heading for more pain. But my cock twitches in response to his kiss. I’m almost painfully hard as he kisses me so passionately it makes me dizzy.

It’s breath-taking, it’s soul-stealing, it’s beautifully broken. Cul’s hands come up into my hair and he cups the back of my head, drawing me closer.

“Cul,” I whisper as I break the kiss.

“No.”

“No what?”

“No, I don’t want to stop. No, I don’t want this to end. No, I will not let you get up and leave me. I need you Houston. I always have.”

I feel a crack in my heart. I don’t want it to end either, but it has to. I can’t cause him more pain.

“I can’t hurt you again, Cul.”

“Shh,” he replies as he puts a finger over my lips.

He reaches down and palms my cock. I swear to god, I could almost come in my boxers here and now. One touch from him is better than a thousand from my own hand—my only sexual partner since we split.

“Don’t leave, Houston. Stay here with me, even just for a short time. I’ve missed you.” He whispers the last three words as he peppers my jawline with feather-light kisses.

As he kisses down to my Adam’s apple, my resolve begins to crumble.

Hands slip under the hem of my T-shirt and I find myself raising my arms for him to remove and discard it.

Heat sears across my skin as his eyes drink in the sight of me. I reach out to remove his T-shirt, throwing it on the floor somewhere with mine.

My god, gone is the man I knew every inch of. He’s bulked up since. He wasn’t exactly scrawny before, but now he’s much more defined. He’s familiar, yet new, all at once.

I didn’t pay much attention last time, I was too eager to make love to him, to sink inside of him, to pay any mind to what he looked like. He was Culhwch, that was all that mattered.

Now though, I pay attention as his hands dip to undo my belt, then one hand slides my zip down and traces the waistband of my boxer shorts.

His lips crash down over mine in a burning, urgent, white-hot kiss. I rest one palm against his rock-hard chest as the other reaches around to cup the back of his head.

Culhwch slides his hand underneath the material of my boxers and strokes my cock, making a small gasp choke me.

Gripping the base of my shaft, he strokes me up and down painfully slowly. Our tongues clash as we duel for dominance over the kiss.

This right here, it’s everything. It’s happiness, it’s sexual attraction, it’s lust, it’s love… I still love him so much it breaks my heart every day I’m not with him.

“Not like this,” he whispers, breaking the kiss, “Come upstairs with me.”

I instantly feel the loss of his hand on my cock. But when he looks at me with that familiar twinkle in his eye, I watch as he walks out of the room before hurrying to follow him.

“Be naked before you get to my room,” he instructs as he looks back over his shoulder at me.

I do as I’m told, and undress in record time. He doesn’t need to tell me twice.

As I reach the landing, I see the open door. I follow a trail of discarded clothing and stop dead in my tracks as I get to his bedroom door.

He’s lying on his back, his legs spread and his cock in his hand. He’s pumping it up and down, my eyes transfixed on every movement.

Fuck me if that isn’t the most erotic thing I’ve seen in a very long time. Porn really has nothing on a sinfully sexy man who owns my heart. For him, I could reach my climax in two seconds flat. But that would be a schoolboy error.

“Don’t just stand there, come join the fun,” he says, seduction lacing his tone.

I walk across the room to the end of his bed. My heart feels like it’s in freefall. My brain is only registering one thing—this naked beautiful man before me. And my body reacts to him jerking himself off.

Before I realise it, I’m climbing onto his bed, between his parted legs. I reach out to grip his cock in my hand, and as he moves to let go, he must see it in my eyes that that’s not what I want, because he quickly wraps his hand around mine.

Our joined hands pump his cock up and down, and fuck me if it doesn’t make butterflies take flight in my abdomen. Or maybe it’s moths, judging by the fluttering going on inside me.

Leaning down, I place a chaste kiss on his lips, then trail kisses down the rock-hard muscles of his chest.

I stop and stare at that delectable V shape that’s now more prominent than I remember. Then without conscious thought, I lean down and dart my tongue out across the tip of his cock. That salty pre-cum tastes every bit as good as I’ve imagined every single night. The gasp that falls from his parted lips is enough to spur me on, so I push his legs further apart, then lean down to suck the tip of him. I swirl my tongue around it, and as his hand comes up to grip my hair, I grip the base of his shaft as I draw him further into my mouth.

I work my mouth and hand in tandem, building a rhythm that I know will have him bucking his hips sooner rather than later.

“Houston.” He rasps out my name.

My eyes dart up to him as my movements cease.

“I can’t take this much longer. Please, please let me come in that dirty little mouth of yours. And do it fast. I want you buried inside me. I’ve waited too long.”

“You… want… to… come… in… here…?” I ask, punctuating each word with my mouth sliding over his cock.

“Yes,” he cries as he bucks his hips up towards me.

“Mmm…” I hum, knowing what the sensation does to him.

“God… Houston… please…” he begs as he pants faster.

One of his hands stays in my hair and the other reaches out to grip my hand around the base of his shaft.

We both work him up and down as my tongue licks up from the base of his shaft to his tip. Then I part my lips and take him in slowly, inch by inch. I know it’s torture for him, but delicious torture.

As soon as he’s in my mouth as far as he will go, I reach up and massage his balls. He pants and moans above me until I venture towards his puckered flesh with my finger. When I toy with him, he growls almost ferally.

“Lube,” he gasps out.

I shake my head as I remove my mouth from his glorious steel-hard cock. I lean down and pull his legs up over my shoulders so I can get to that peachy ass of his. As I tongue that puckered flesh, he moans out my name.

Sucking my finger so it’s wet, I slide it between the cheeks of his ass. His strong thighs clench as he braces for what’s coming.

God, he’s utter perfection. Never mind the statue of David, someone should sculpt a statue of Culhwch instead.

Gently at first, I toy with him until I can slide my finger in to my first knuckle. He groans loudly at the intrusion, and I give him a moment to adjust to me stretching him before going any further.

This has been a long time coming and I don’t want it to end. Sure, all good things come to an end, but I’d give up my job—my life—and stay in bed with him all day, every day in a heartbeat.

“Houston, please…” He trails off on a groan as I slide my finger further in.

I move back, grip his cock in my free hand and envelop him in my mouth, as I continue to move my finger inside him. I know I’ve hit the right spot when he mutters a string of expletives, so I continue to hit the spot as I suck his cock.

“Oh… holy… fuck… I’m… gonna….”

“Hmm,” is my only reply.

I move my hand up and down him faster, let him hit the back of my throat over and over, and just when I think he can’t take any more, he grips my hair and tugs hard.

That was always his tell that he needed more. Fuck, it brings memories flooding back of sucking him off on the couch, the kitchen island, the rug in front of my open fire… as it washes over me, I give him what he’s silently begging for.

With my finger buried deep inside him and my greedy mouth stretched over his engorged cock, he bucks his hips, making me increase my pace.

In what feels like an eternity—but all too short a space of time, all at once—he comes in hot, salty spurts in my mouth.

Satisfied that I’ve licked him clean of every drop, I sit back and smile down at him.

“Fuck, I’ve missed your pretty, dirty, hot mouth on my throbbing cock. But there’s one thing I’ve missed more.”

“And that would be?”

“You fucking me until I am hoarse from screaming your name and you are sated from coming deeply inside me.”

He throws me a salacious grin and a wink.

“Holy shit, Cul. Ever the eloquent young man, I see.”

“Why pussyfoot around it? I want you to sink so deeply inside me that you’re not sure who begins and ends where. And when you’re sated, I want you to sleep in my arms until we’re ready for round two.”

“And what’s round two?”

I jerk myself up and down a couple of times as his eyes are drawn to my movements.

“That would be my turn to suck your cock and then fuck that fine ass. I want to taste your come and then I want to fuck you until I come deep inside of you.”

Fuck. Nothing would make me happier.

“Then what are we waiting for? Pass me a condom.”

“Can’t. Don’t have any. Wasn’t expecting today to turn out this way.”

“Fuck,” I growl. “I guess I can finish myself by hand over your chiselled body.”

“Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen.”

“Then what?” I ask as I jerk myself in frustration.

“Bare.”

“Culhwch.” His name drops from my mouth like a curse.

“I’ve only been with you,” he whispers.

“Same here.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“Get up,” I bark.

He looks a little confused but complies all the same.

I flip him over onto all fours on his bed, happy in the knowledge there’s never been anyone in it but him… and now me.

He looks over his shoulder at me, grinning like the fucking Cheshire Cat. He knows what’s coming. Me.

I slap his ass hard enough to leave a red mark.

“Now, be a good boy and back up onto my cock like the dirty little whore you are.”

His eyes widen in response, but he doesn’t say a word, just does as he’s told.

I part the perfect globes of his ass and watch as my cock pushes inside him. My god, there isn’t a more satisfying feeling in this world.

I reach over and tug his hair, pulling his head back as I sink further in. He moans and curses as he stretches to accommodate me.

“Repeat after me,” I say as I sink as far inside him as I can, “This ass belongs to nobody else.”

“Hell, Houston, you know it,” he says as he bucks against me, trying to gain some friction. But I’m not letting him budge until he says it.

I don’t know when it happened, but my head and heart got on the same page and now I know what I want. Or rather, who.

I want to make things up to Culhwch one day at a time, for as long as he’ll have me. An eternity, if he agrees.

“Say it,” I emphasize with a tug on his hair.

“This ass belongs to nobody else, Houston, only you. It’s always been you. From now until the end of time, I belong to you.”

I see a tear slide down his cheek and reach forward to wipe it away. I know how he feels. My emotions are going haywire too.

Starting slowly, I begin to move inside him.

Pulling almost all the way out, I hear him groan in ecstasy as I slide back home, back where I belong.

Pacing myself so I don’t come too soon, I take my time and revel in the moans and pants that come from him each time I repeat the movement.

Something catches my eye and I look around him to see him palming his own cock.

“No… more… touching… yourself…” I punctuate each word with a buck of my hips, “There’ll be time for that later,” I add as I slide most of the way out of him.

In one swift movement, I slam back into him. Soon, the only noises to be heard are our mingled moans and groans, and the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. It’s the most erotic thing I’ve experienced since last time we were in a relationship.

“Oh fuck, Cul… I can’t… last…”

He bucks his hips back against me and cries out as I fill him again and again.

“Fuck me, Houston, you know what you want… so take it.”

I grasp both of his hips tightly and hold him firmly in place as I watch my engorged cock slide in and out of him.

He feels tight, hot and ready for me to explode. Good job too, because I wasn’t lying. I can’t last any longer.

I buck against him hard and fast as he cries out my name over and over.

“Fuuuuuuuck,” I bellow as I blow inside him.

We’re both still for a few moments, then when I slide out of him, he tackles me to the bed and his mouth comes crashing down over mine in a brutal, punishing kiss.

“Ow,” I moan as he bites my bottom lip.

“Don’t worry, baby, I’ll kiss it better,” he says seductively, before doing exactly what he said.

I can feel his impressive erection growing against me. I don’t want to deny him whatever comes next, so I slide my hand down and stroke his cock.

Moans of delight leave him as he kisses down my jawline to my ear, where his tongue darts out to lick the shell of my ear before he peppers kisses down my neck.

I continue to jerk him off, but my movements falter as he leans down and darts his tongue out across my nipple.

He sucks it gently before biting down. God, I’ve missed his hot mouth, his perfect body, his expert skills in the bedroom.

His hand wraps around mine as he leans back on his haunches, and together we jerk him off until he comes in hot spurts over my abdomen.

“Come shower with me?” he asks when he finally gets his breath back.

“Who am I to say no?”

He grins that signature shit-eating grin and I know I’m done for. If I wasn’t a goner before, I certainly am now. I’ll never be able to look at another man.