ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME

EIGHT STUFFED TURKEYS

Christmas is a time for eating and drinking – even at the North Pole . . .

Father Christmas and the seven gnomes don’t have a turkey for Christmas, they have an octopus . . . it doesn’t taste half as nice, but at least everyone gets a leg!

To tell the truth, turkeys are a bit expensive. Father Christmas went to a butcher’s and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, “Do you raise them yourself?”

“Of course I do,” the butcher replied. “They were only 50p a pound this morning!”

Gnigel’s mother bought a huge turkey. “That must have cost a fortune!” Gnigel cried. “Actually I got it for a poultry amount,” she said.

We’re usually too busy to cook our own Christmas dinner at that time of the year. We always end up eating at the “Greasy Penguin Cafe”. There’s a sign that says: “The Greasy Penguin – Eat Dirt Cheap” . . . but, as Gneil says, “Who wants to eat dirt?”

It’s in The Good Food Guide to Christmas Breakfasts by Egall Runney.

It’s also the only place in the North Pole where the dustbins have indigestion.

We always start with the soup . . .

 

FATHER CHRISTMAS:	Waiter! Waiter! There’s a spider in my soup!
WAITER:	Sorry, sir, it’s the fly’s day off.
GNORMAN:	Waiter! Waiter! There’s a caterpillar on my Christmas dinner.
WAITER:	That’s all right, mate, caterpillars don’t eat much!
GNELLIE:	Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in the butter!
WAITER:	Yes, miss, it’s a butter–fly.
GNORA:	Waiter! Waiter! Why is this biscuit crying?
WAITER:	Ah, miss, that’s ’cos its mum’s been a wafer too long.
GNANCY:	Waiter! Waiter! Can you make a sandwich spread?
WAITER:	Yeah! I’ll just sit on it.
GNEIL:	Waiter! Waiter! This soup’s expensive.
WAITER:	What do you expect? It’s 24 carrot soup!
GNOCKER:	Waiter! Waiter! These chicken legs have no knees!
WAITER:	Yes that’s because it’s a cock chicken. You’d have to go to London for the knees.
GNOCKER:	Why?
WAITER:	Because all the cock-knees are in London.
GNORMAN:	Waiter! Waiter! This turkey tastes like an old settee.
WAITER:	Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
GNORMAN:	But it’s tough!
WAITER:	(Trying a piece) Tastes tender enough to me!
GNORMAN:	It should be! I’ve just chewed that bit for twenty minutes!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:	I wanted a whole turkey. This one only has one leg!
WAITER:	Perhaps it’s been in a fight.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:	Well take it back and bring the winner!

 

GNEIL:	Waiter! Waiter! This turkey’s disgusting!
WAITER:	Well, you asked for a foul roast, didn’t you?
GNANCY:	Waiter! Waiter! I’ll bet even a turkey wouldn’t drink the coffee here!
WAITER:	Of course not . . . it would go to a Nest-cafe.
GNORMAN:	This turkey’s fit for nothing.
WAITER:	A tur-key’s always good for something.
GNORMAN:	What?
WAITER:	Opening Turkish doors.
GNORA:	Waiter! Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!

WAITER:	And would you like some fast vegetables with it?
GNORA:	What are your fastest vegetables?
WAITER:	Runner beans, of course.

GNOCKER:	Waiter! Waiter! Bring me an omelette.
WAITER:	Would you like a French or a Spanish omelette?
GNOCKER:	I don’t mind . . . I want to eat it not talk to it!
GNEIL:	Waiter! Waiter! This lemon is damaged.
WAITER:	Don’t worry, it just needs some lemon-aid.
GNELLIE:	Waiter! Waiter! Is that policeman over there eating turkey?
WAITER:	No, madam . . . he’s eating truncheon meat.
GNORMAN:	Waiter! Waiter! Is that Eskimo over there eating turkey?
WAITER:	No, sir. Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber.
GNORMAN:	Well if I ate whale meat I’d blubber.
GNORA:	But where do they get whale meat from?
WAITER:	The fish-mongers, madam. They buy it by the ton.
GNORA:	But how do they weigh a whale?
WAITER:	I expect they take it to the whale-weigh station.
GNORMAN:	Waiter! Waiter! This stuffing is odd. It’s sausage meat at one end – but the other end is bread.
WAITER:	I know, sir. We’re short of money at the moment. The manager’s having trouble making both ends meat.
GNANCY:	Waiter! Waiter! I’d like Father Christmas stew.
WAITER:	Er . . . how do you make Father Christmas stew?
GNANCY:	You keep him waiting half an hour!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:	Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
WAITER:	That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!

GNOCKER:	But, waiter, what’s the best way to keep a pudding?
WAITER:	Don’t eat it.
GNELLIE:	Waiter! Waiter! Could you bring me some double cream for my pudding?
WAITER:	No double cream, sorry. Will two singles do?
GNORMAN:	Who made this Christmas pudding?
WAITER:	Our chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
GNORMAN:	What did he use to make it?
WAITER:	Elf-raising flour, of course.
GNIGEL:	Waiter! Waiter! Have you ever tasted turkey soup?

WAITER:	Turkey’s soup? I’ve never met a turkey who could cook! The only turkeys we had here had terrible manners.
GNIGEL:	They did?
WAITER:	Yes, sir. They used to gobble at the table.

If you want to see someone with real problems at Christmas, then look at a turkey . . .

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?

It was looking forward to Christmas!

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove it wasn’t chicken.

 

And why did the one-eyed turkey cross the road?

To get to the Bird’s Eye shop.

 

What’s a turkey’s favourite television programme?

A duckumentary!

And three for afters . . .

How can you tell an owl’s wiser than a chicken? Well, did you ever hear of Kentucky Fried owl?

 

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?

Look at the labels!

 

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies, of course.