Monday evening, Joni dropped her purse on the sofa and then took a shower and changed out of her shorts and into a sundress. She wanted to make dinner for herself to prove that she could do it, but she’d overdone it at work. After pulling out the makings for a salad she ran out of energy and needed a break. She’d just sat at the breakfast bar when there was a knock on her door.
Heaving to her feet, she crossed the room and opened the door. Lex was standing there. “Why didn’t you just come in? You have a key.”
“It’s one thing to just walk in to make breakfast for you when you’re supposed to be in bed. It’s another to let myself in when I know you’re able to come to the door. I’m trying to respect your boundaries.”
Obviously he didn’t know how exhausted she was at the end of the day. “Thanks, but feel free to come on in.”
Although Joni had every intention of telling Lex she no longer needed him to make dinner, that wasn’t the case tonight, so she sat at the counter and watched while he cooked. Besides, he’d come all this way to help her. No matter how badly she wanted to deny it, she was glad he was here. She was beginning to enjoy being with him again. And that was a problem. The more time they spent together, the greater the danger of her falling for him again.
After sitting for a few minutes, Joni decided she had enough energy to make the salad, so she went back into the kitchen to help. Perhaps keeping busy would work as a distraction. After a minute she knew she’d made a tactical error. The room was small, and they had to work around each other. Each time she bumped into Lex, the contact sent shivers skipping down her spine. Once, he put his hand on her waist, and her skin burned from the contact. This was ridiculous. Over the years, they’d touched each other many times without her feeling this kind of awareness. It didn’t make sense that one night together had changed the way her body reacted to his.
She needed to get a grip and fast. They were going to be around each other for the rest of their lives. There would be birthday parties and school programs. Swim meets and graduations. Not to mention the day-to-day activities where they’d be in close proximity. She couldn’t get all hot and bothered every time they touched, so she needed to put an end to it now—before she went out of her mind.
When he was done cooking dinner, they filled their plates and sat at the counter to eat. They didn’t talk about anything personal, which helped Joni immensely. Actually, Lex seemed distracted, and she wondered if it was work. No. He would have mentioned that. Maybe it was personal. Maybe that Alana Kane had managed to get her claws into him, and he was trying to figure out a way to let Joni know. Her heart plunged to her feet, and she tried to brush the idea aside. Alana wasn’t Lex’s type. He didn’t even seem to like her. Still, something was bothering him.
The thoughts roiled Joni’s stomach, and she couldn’t eat another bite. Lex didn’t have much of an appetite either, so he wrapped up Joni’s leftovers, tossed his remains in the trash and loaded the dishwasher. She thought he might leave, but he sat on the sofa and patted the seat beside him.
“Let’s talk,” Lex said when they were seated.
Joni dropped the remote she had just picked up without turning on the television. She twisted around so she could look him in the eye. From the expression on his face, whatever he wanted to talk about was serious. Her heart thudded in her chest, but she tried to remain outwardly calm. “Sure. About what?”
“I’ve been thinking about us.”
His voice didn’t give anything away, so she gave a noncommittal reply. “Okay.”
He didn’t say anything else but rather drummed his fingers against his thighs, a clear sign that he was nervous. Joni could count on one hand the times she’d seen Lex this uncomfortable in all the years she’d known him. Finally, stomach churning and nerves stretched to the breaking point, she snapped, “Just spit it out already.”
Lex gave her an odd look, letting her know that she’d been abrupt. Then he cleared his throat. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately,” he finally said. “And we’ve been getting along well. You need help in the mornings, and I’m more than able to provide it. We’re going to be parents soon. I think we should get married.”
“What?”
“I think we should get married.”
Joni pressed her hands against her temples and then shook her head. She wasn’t sure whether she was trying to clear Lex’s words from her mind or whether she was telling him no. Of all the things she’d expected Lex to say, this half-hearted marriage proposal wasn’t it.
He was so dispassionate, he might as well be asking her what color he should paint his powder room. No, they’d had that conversation when he’d finally begun to decorate his house last year. They’d had a spirited discussion over whether it should be her choice of dark brown or his choice of boring beige. She’d won. And why was she even thinking about that now? While momentarily distracting, the memory couldn’t take away the sting of his loveless, emotionless joke of a proposal.
“Don’t say no right away. Just listen.”
“Why? I’ll still say no to this crazy idea.”
“It’s not crazy when you think about it. We get along well. I know things have been awkward between us lately, and I take total blame for that. But we’re getting past that. The biggest part of marriage is friendship. And you, Joni, are probably the best friend that I’ve ever had. We have a similar outlook on life. Neither of us takes ourselves too seriously.”
“True. And that’s why we were great friends. But that doesn’t mean we’d be happy married to each other.” The one time they’d tried to be more than friends had ended in a disaster too painful for her to discuss with anyone—especially him. She couldn’t believe he’d forgotten about that already.
“I think we would. And think about our child. He or she would be so much happier living with both parents instead of going back and forth between our homes.”
“That’s not reason enough to get married. As long as we don’t bad-mouth each other, our child will be happy. As you said, we’re friends. That’s all that’s necessary.”
To Lex, it was all so simple. But he was missing the most important thing. Love. Joni couldn’t imagine being in a loveless marriage, even for the sake of her child. She wanted more from a spouse and believed that eventually he would, too. They might start out as friends but end up as enemies. And even if they didn’t, there was no way she wouldn’t end up heartbroken.
“Joni.”
“I can’t, Lex. I don’t think it’ll work. Being friends is great, but it takes more than that to make a marriage work. But we can still raise this baby together.”
“But how will I keep you guys safe?”
“From what?”
“From everything. What if you get sick one night and can’t take care of the baby? Or what if the baby gets sick?” The fear in Lex’s voice struck Joni’s heart. He sounded slightly irrational, something she’d never expected from him. This pregnancy was revealing all kinds of things she’d never known about him.
“I’m fine, Lex. The baby’s fine, too. My pregnancy is progressing normally.”
“That could change any minute.”
“Lex.” Joni reached out to soothe him. She’d never seen him so worried.
He took her hand, a pained look on his face. “I had a child before. A sweet baby girl who died when she was only four weeks old.”
Joni’s heart stopped. Lex had had a child? When? She’d known he was divorced, but he’d never once mentioned losing a child. So many questions swirled through her mind. She thought that they’d shared everything. She’d certainly told Lex every secret of hers, including her most painful ones. She’d cried on his shoulder as she’d told him how hurt she’d been when her former fiancé confessed to being a cheating jerk. That pain was nothing compared to how betrayed she felt realizing that Lex had kept a secret from her.
Apparently they hadn’t been as close as Joni had believed. Perhaps their entire friendship had been a figment of her imagination. She’d thought they were confiding everything in each other, but she’d been the only one. He’d kept secrets.
“When? How did your baby die?”
“I was away on a business trip. My ex-wife called me and told me that Briana had died in her sleep. There was no explanation.”
“Crib death?”
“There was no explanation. All I know is that my baby is gone.” His voice was flat as if the pain was so severe that showing the slightest emotion put him at risk of breaking down.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been devastating.”
“There’s no pain like losing a child. If only I’d been there, I might have been able to prevent it.”
“I don’t know much about sudden infant death syndrome, if that’s what this was, but I don’t think it works that way. You could have been there and sadly your baby still could have died. It’s not your fault, Lex.”
“I was her father. I was supposed to take care of her.”
“And knowing you, I’m sure you did. But there are some things that a parent can’t protect against. This is one of them.”
“If I had been there, I might have gone into her room and noticed that she wasn’t breathing.”
There would be no convincing him otherwise, so she didn’t bother to argue with him. “When did this happen?”
“Seven years ago.”
That was about a year before he’d moved to Sweet Briar. Had he been running away from the pain? Not that she blamed him. She’d moved from Chicago shortly after her engagement imploded. But that hadn’t been a secret. Lex knew it all. He’d seen her agony. Yet he’d kept his pain hidden from her. Even so, she felt bad for him. “I’m sorry.”
“But if we’re married and live together, I’ll always be there.”
“I’m sorry, Lex, but that’s not a good enough reason to get married. I promise you I’ll take care of our baby when you aren’t around. And I know you’ll do the same when I’m not around. That’s the best I can do because I won’t marry you. I’ve heard your arguments, and my answer is no. And it’s going to stay no.”
His shoulders fell, but then as he rallied they straightened. Standing, he walked to the door and then looked back at her. “Think about it. Getting married is the perfect answer. The only answer. That’s the only way I’ll be able to take care of both of you.”
“No, it’s not. Your fear is controlling you, and you’re unable to see the truth.”
“You need more time to think about this, so I’ll leave. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Joni nodded, keeping a forced smile on her face until the door closed behind Lex and she heard him descend the stairs. Once she was sure he was gone, Joni burst into tears. She couldn’t believe Lex would actually propose a marriage of convenience. He knew how much having a loving marriage meant to her. She’d told him more than once how she longed to have the kind a marriage her parents had. She’d shared with him how hurt and disappointed she’d been to discover the man she’d planned to marry had been a liar. Yet he’d ignored all that and suggested that she settle for less than she wanted in order to keep himself happy. He’d put his needs ahead of hers. But then, he wasn’t in love with her, so why would he sacrifice for her?
She understood that his pain over losing his child must have been excruciating and that right now he was terrified of losing their baby. Just thinking of it scared her near to death. But she couldn’t let that fear rule her. And she certainly wasn’t going to let it drive her into Lex’s arms when love wasn’t part of the bargain. Oh, how she wished love had been part of the deal!
Leaning on Lex had been a mistake. She’d let down her guard, and he’d slipped back into her heart, leaving her in a place where it would be so easy to fall in love with him. That was a mistake she intended to correct before it was too late. She was going back to her original plan. She was going to stay away from him as much as she could until the baby was born.
* * *
Lex stared into his glass. He’d long since finished drinking the soda, but he didn’t have the strength to put the glass on the table. She’d said no. Just no. Lex had expected Joni to be resistant at first—his proposal had come out of the blue, after all—but he’d thought she’d come around. To him it made perfect sense to get married. Until a couple of months ago, they’d been the perfect couple. Except they hadn’t actually been a couple. Theirs hadn’t been a romance. They’d been friends. They still would be if he’d had the ability to control his desire.
Sighing, he set the glass on the coffee table. There was no going back and no way of changing things. The only way was forward. They’d created a child. A child that he was going to have to protect. But how could he do that if he wasn’t around?
Lex closed his eyes. Even after all this time, he could hear Caroline’s screams. Over and over she’d said that he hadn’t been there when the baby had died. Though the doctor had said his presence wouldn’t have changed anything, Lex didn’t believe it. And the fact remained—he hadn’t been there. Later Caroline had apologized, saying she’d been distraught and didn’t blame him, but he’d known she was only mouthing words. He knew she’d held him accountable in her heart. Whether or not she’d meant what she’d said, the damage had been done. Their marriage had suffered. A year after Briana’s death, Caroline and Lex were divorced. Eventually he’d stopped loving her and let go of the pain he’d felt when his marriage ended.
But he’d never been able to let go of the pain from losing his baby girl. His heart didn’t ache every day like it used to, and his memories of her were filled with fondness, but the sadness was still a part of his soul. He’d thought he’d overcome the fear, but it was attacking him ferociously. Whenever he thought of his and Joni’s baby, his joy was tempered by fear. And the fear was growing and becoming more unmanageable.
Rationally he knew it was wrong to be upset with Joni for rejecting his proposal, but that didn’t change the fact that he was. Not only because he wanted to be with his child; part of him wanted to be with Joni, too. Her absence from his life was painful. Even when they were together, which wasn’t as much as he’d like, he was aware that they weren’t as close as they used to be. Getting married would solve that problem by giving them the chance to grow close again. Now they never would.
One thing was clear. He couldn’t be a good father to his child if he was still afraid. If he didn’t get a handle on his fear, he was going to blow it. He might not mean to, but the thought that he might withhold his love in order to protect his heart sent chills through him. That would be wrong in every imaginable way.
Lex knew what he had to do. He had to go back to New York and face the painful past he’d tried to leave behind. Of course, he couldn’t go now when Joni needed him. He wanted to make sure her days started out well. And that gave him the opportunity to spend time with her. If she got used to having him around, it would be easier to convince her to marry him. And getting married was the right thing to do. With enough time, Joni would come to realize that. He just needed to wait her out.