All social interaction is based on the assumption that whatever we say or do will be understood more or less as it was intended. It is clear, however, that the course of social interaction is often determined by misspeaks, mishearings, misinterpretations, and other forms of misunderstanding. When we misunderstand each other, we are likely to respond in inappropriate, unproductive, and sometimes destructive ways. Misunderstandings can produce frustration, embarrassment, shame, and misdirected anger, which can disrupt social interaction and sometimes damage interpersonal relationships. Understanding exactly how and why interpersonal misunderstandings come about can help us avoid them and more effectively handle them when they do occur.
Inasmuch as misunderstandings create practical problems, a book about them would seem to benefit from a practical approach. As an academic sociologist I am convinced that there is nothing more potentially practical than a good theory. Unfortunately, the literature of the social and behavioral sciences is replete with good theories and valuable insights that never find their way into public thinking and policy. Because those of us involved in scientific pursuits communicate with each other through the often esoteric languages of science and philosophy, most of what we produce in scholarly journals never finds its way into public discourse. Moreover, because most of us consider it our job to produce and critique knowledge, rather than apply it, we rarely attempt the difficult yet vital task of translating that knowledge into a language that is meaningful to professionals, community leaders, and other educated members of the public. This book is an attempt to do just that. It represents more than a decade of thinking and writing around and about a topic that I consider central to our ability to function effectively as social beings. The ideas presented here are drawn primarily from the disciplines of sociology, psychology, linguistics, and anthropology, and I hope that they adequately reflect my appreciation for the contributions of scholars from each of those disciplines.
In the interest of making the book appealing and informative to students and educated laypeople, I have sacrificed much of the depth and attention to detail characteristic of more scholarly work. Because of its breadth, however, I hope that even those scholars who find my coverage of the insights provided by their own discipline lacking will nevertheless benefit from exposure to the ideas that other disciplines bring to the topic. Inasmuch as I have documented the scholarly sources from which I have drawn, those interested in a more thoroughgoing and systematic study of the various topics on which I touch will have a place to start.
Many people deserve thanks for assistance and inspiration along the way. First and foremost, I thank those students, friends, and acquaintances who shared the personal experiences that constitute many of the examples that appear throughout the book. Their stories provided data for my analysis and gave life to my otherwise inadequate prose. In all cases, their names have been changed to preserve their anonymity. I also thank my department and university for the time and resources required to conduct such a project, as well as my colleagues, who helped direct me to sources of information in areas with which they were more familiar than I. Finally, to adequately thank Carol Thompson would require another book. Having suffered through this one, however, she would probably prefer a simple thanks.